Author's Note
So, another chapter. It was really hard to break things up in this area. Last chapter, this chapter, and next chapter were originally one long...thing. Really, really long. So I had to cut it up into pieces, which was seriously difficult. But I think it turned out okay.
Go onward and enjoy!
More Questions Than Answers
"So how did they find us?" Darcy asks, breaking them out of the little bubble Ari and Sideswipe found themselves in. "We couldn't have really been that easy to find, right?"
"I don't know," Ari admits, forcing herself to focus on the problem at hand. "And it was really weird. It kind of felt like that guy was holding back. If they knew who I was, I'd be tempted to say they were trying to take me in alive instead of trying to kill me like Bucky did."
"But they shouldn't have known who you were because of the veil thingy. I mean, seriously. They don't care about me. They shouldn't have known who you were. Why'd they go after us at all?"
"Don't know. That one guy did try to make a grab for you. Maybe they wanted to use us to find the others? They still probably know that you intern for Jane, and Jane they'd care about because of her connection to Thor, I'd imagine. Jane, who is now in the wind along with all the Avengers. It's not a stretch for them to figure out she's with them. They could have maybe wanted to use you to get to her, and Jane would then lead them to the others."
Darcy grimaces, crossing her arms with a huff. "So much for them not caring about me, then. But how'd they even find us all the way out here?"
"I got the impression from the AllSpark that Hydra is kind of all over the place. This could have just been the local chapter."
"Either way, I've let the others know what happened," Sideswipe interrupts, sounding much more like himself. "They're moving out from our current camp and will meet up with us on the road. We'll keep moving until nightfall to make sure we've lost Hydra."
Loud honking makes Ari turn in her seat, curiously looking out the rear window. A car swerves out of the way of a black SUV barreling through traffic. Another car honks its horn as the SUV almost runs it over, speeding right towards them.
"Uh, I don't think we've lost them," Darcy says, voice rising in panic. Another SUV charges around a semi, soon followed by a third.
"How the frag did they find us?" Ari growls in frustration, clenching the seat beneath her as Sideswipe speeds up.
Cars start honking at them now as Sideswipe weaves in and out of traffic like a practiced street racer. "I don't know, but I don't like it. They couldn't have all been at the store. There's too many of them."
They narrowly avoid collisions left and right, Darcy squeaking in fear each time until she closes her eyes. "Maybe they're backup for those other guys and they just found us by coincidence?"
"I don't think so," Ari, mutters, showing none of the fear that's making Darcy cringe. She trusts Sideswipe to get them out of this in one piece. He's the best driver she's ever known, but the SUVs are keeping up just as well. It leaves an uneasy pit in her stomach. "It's too much coincidence. There's got to be something else."
"Like what?"
"Not sure." A tracker is the most likely reason but she can't imagine a time when they could have planted one on any of them. Unless it was while they were fighting. They'll need to stop to do a search. "Get out of the city, Sideswipe. You're faster than them. If we can get out to the open road then we can at least get a bit of distance to figure out how they're following us."
"That's where I'm headed," he confirms, already two steps ahead of her. "We should make it out to the main highway in five minutes."
It's a tense five minutes, swerving back and forth, taking wild turns that shove her against the door, and breaking at the last second to avoid collision. There's police sirens at one point but Sideswipe quickly loses them. Just not Hydra. Even when they lose sight of the SUVs, they reappear in the rearview mirror not long after.
It only heightens Ari's suspicions of a tracker and she starts patting down her clothes, trying to find something. It must be small for her not to have noticed.
"What are you doing?" Darcy asks, her shoulders slowly dropping down from around her ears once they get to the highway and out of town. Traffic is a lot more spread out here, allowing for Sideswipe to zigzag around cars with ease.
"Looking for a tracker of some kind," she answers, finding nothing on her shoulders and arms. "It's the only explanation I can think of. They must have slipped something on us."
Darcy starts patting down herself as well. "What, like sometime in the store, before we realized they were there?"
"Could be. Do you remember anyone getting near us?"
"I don't think so, no. I mean, we were being really careful and it's not like it was that crowded in there."
Ari finishes her search, finding nothing. "We'll have to have Ratchet do a scan of us once we meet back up with everyone else. He'll be able to find any wayward trackers, no matter how small."
"I don't see them behind us anymore," Sideswipe says, though he still doesn't slow down. "Though if there is a tracker, then we'll probably have only a couple minutes once we stop."
"That should be all we'll need. How far away are the others?"
A loud horn is her answer as Optimus comes into view down the road, leading their caravan of fugitives. Once they pass, they fishtail on the road, turning to follow behind Sideswipe.
::Is everyone alright?:: he asks over the comms.
"Yeah, we're fine," Ari reassures, assuming it's a party line with everyone listening. "You guys okay? Have you noticed anyone following you?"
::No, no one. Do you still have a tail?::
"We think so. Can't see them now but they found us way too easily. They must have gotten a tracker on one of us somehow."
::Hold your speed, Sideswipe,:: Ratchet says, pulling up alongside them. A red light shines out from the side of his alt mode, running over Sideswipe to scan all three of them. He hums in confusion. ::I didn't find anything unusual. Just Ari's normal trackers and S.H.I.E.L.D. doesn't have access to our frequencies.::
::Wait, I think I know what it is!:: Will shouts suddenly. ::Pull over!::
When they come up to an empty field on the right Sideswipe skids to a halt in the grass, the others pulling over haphazardly around them. Ari gets out, Will jumping out of Ironhide's alt mode to run right for her.
"What is it?" she asks. "Do you think it's some sort of advanced Hydra tech?"
"No." He kneels down in front of her, pushing up her pant leg and yanking her anklet off her, the one she was given after Anti-Alien took her.
"Hey!" She watches helplessly as he tosses the anklet to the ground, crushing the blue jewel with his boot. "What gives? That's one of the trackers Ratchet made. No way Hydra's tracking that."
He shakes his head. "I think they have been. Ratchet made that anklet so that both us and S.H.I.E.L.D. could track you. Phil wanted the backup of being able to find you himself, just in case. And since S.H.I.E.L.D. is basically Hydra at this point, they'll have access to the tracker, too."
Dread pools in her stomach, bubbling with a mixture of denial. "Do you think Phil did that on purpose? For Hydra?"
"No," Natasha says vehemently, glaring down at the remains of the anklet. "That had been my idea. Phil just agreed. We thought it would be a good idea after what happened with Anti-Alien."
Ari bites her lip with a nod, hoping she's right. Please, Primus, let her be right.
She's not sure she could handle a betrayal like that. Not again.
"Anyway, we should be safe now," Will says softly, wrapping an arm around Ari's shoulders for a comforting hug. "Let's get going. It'll be dark soon and we need to get as much distance as possible between us and Hydra before stopping for the night."
They drive for a long time, well past dark, just to be sure no one is following them. But no matter how many times Ari turns in her seat to look behind them, no more black SUVs pop up.
Will was right. It was her anklet. A tracker that was supposed to help keep her safe. Has Hydra used it before to keep track of her? To spy on her? How often have they been watching her without her knowing it?
Did they find out anything she doesn't want them to? They may know about her being the AllSpark now—and that's definitely bad—but do they know about her marriage to Sideswipe? Do they know that she's his sparkmate?
Will they use that as leverage to get her somehow?
Two hours later and several towns over, they find an abandoned building, crumbling at the edge of a sprawling city. There's no one out here except for the homeless and drug addicts so they stop for the night, feeling as safe as they can be.
It's definitely not the Ritz but at least there aren't many eyes out here.
It looks like it used to be some kind of factory, with heavy machinery rusting in corners and metal catwalks threatening to fall on their heads. It's large enough for the Autobots to all park inside, even for them to transform if they want, but most of them stay in their alt modes to allow everyone else room. Will gets a couple of fires started in some old barrels while Darcy passes out hot dogs and skewers, getting their makeshift dinner started and filling the room with a bit of light.
Ari huddles up to a fire next to Lina, slowly cooking her hot dog and trying to get warm herself. A slight chill sweeps through the room with the deepening night, making her wish for a jacket. Hopefully it doesn't get any worse than this or else it's going to be miserable trying to fall asleep.
"So how are you holding up?" she asks her friend, trying to stave off the cold with distraction and her free hand rubbing against her arm. The friction does little to help but it's better than nothing.
"Oh, you know," Lina shrugs a shoulder, stomping her feet in place a bit as a shiver runs over her. "As good as can be expected. Ratchet says my ankle's all better, at least. Maybe now Sunstreaker will stop treating me like an invalid."
Ari chuckles softly. "Sideswipe can be just as bad when I'm hurt. Even though I heal almost instantly now."
"Yeah, but he's your sparkmate and your husband. Of course he's gonna mother hen you."
Ari tests her hot dog with her fingers, finding it warm enough and taking a bite to hold off answering right away. If she's not careful, this conversation could go a little sideways, but she wants to know what's going on. Trying for casual, she asks, "Friends are allowed to mother hen you, right? You do that to me."
"Yeah, but this is, like, overkill or something. It's like…like…."
"Like what?"
"Like he's my boyfriend or something." Lina's mouth presses into a thin line, eyes trained on the fire like a moth hoping to find the moon. "It's…weird. I know how the whole Cybertronian thing goes, with sparkmates and stuff. He...shouldn't treat me like that, right? So thinking he could be interested…that's...all in my head, right?"
"Do you want it to be in your head?" Ari asks carefully.
"I want to know what's real. What's the truth. My feelings don't matter beyond that."
She places a hand on Lina's shoulder. "Of course your feelings matter."
Lina shrugs roughly out of the touch, snapping, "Look, it doesn't matter, alright? I don't even know."
She bites her lip, looking over at Sunstreaker's alt mode to make sure he didn't hear her outburst. He probably did—superior hearing and all that—but he doesn't move and Ari doesn't mention it, dropping to a whisper, "What do you mean, you don't know?"
Lina sighs, wiping her palms on her borrowed jeans. "I don't really know how I feel. I...try not to think about it."
Her eyes drift off to the side, cheeks flushed for more reasons than just the warm fire. A part of her does know. She's just burying it in denial where she doesn't have to acknowledge it.
Ari knows that feeling.
"But like I said," Lina continues on a sigh, "it doesn't matter. I'm just a human, not a Cybertronian. It's impossible."
"Oh, Lina." Ari leans against her friend's side, wrapping an arm around her shoulders. "Don't you know? That word doesn't mean anything to us. Sideswipe and I make it work, don't we?"
"Yeah, but you two are actually sparkmates and the AllSpark made your lifespans match." She drops her head to Ari's shoulder morosely, eyes gleaming wetly in the light of the fire. "It's impossible for us."
"Even before all the AllSpark stuff, Sideswipe and I were still together," Ari reminds her, rubbing her arm up and down in comfort. "We dated and even got married before we knew what the AllSpark would do."
Lina sniffs, wiping at her face. "I just don't want to get hurt in all of this."
"I know, but that's part of being in love. You're going to get hurt now and then, and you're probably going to hurt him. That's just the way it is, doesn't matter what species you are."
"Well, that's no fun," Lina sulks.
"No, but it's worth it." Ari pulls away, taking Lina by the shoulders to turn her until she can see her face, scrunched up in displeasure. "It is. So don't give up on it just yet. Don't close yourself off from the possibility. Because if he feels the same way for you, then you could make each other so happy."
A small smile tugs at Lina's mouth. "You really think so?"
A door in Ari's mind jiggles, just ever so slightly. It's not ready to be opened. Not yet. It's waiting for something. But it causes a smile to bloom on Ari's face, as big and bright as the hope in her chest.
"Oh, yeah, Lina. I really do."
And she can't wait to see it happen.
Bucky shuffles over to their fire, more uncertain than an ex-Hydra assassin should be. Ari shoots him a smile and steps closer to Lina, encouraging him to stand on her other side so he can roast his hotdog over the fire.
Lina sighs in relief next to her, their conversation shelved for now, but Ari's okay with that. She doesn't want to push. But hopefully with a bit of gentle guiding, her and Sunstreaker will be able to find their way to each other.
Though the two of them are rather stubborn.
"So, Bucky," Ari says, taking a quick bite of her own hotdog. "How are you holding up? Was Loki able to take care of those headaches?"
He turns his hotdog over the flame absently. "Yeah, whatever he did worked. My head's all good now. Just gotta sort through all these memories."
"Seventy years is a lot of time. I'm sure it'll take a while."
"Yeah," he says with a grimace. "And most of them won't be pleasant memories. Still, I want to know everything that happened."
"Kudos to you," Lina snorts, lowering her hotdog closer to the flames. "I don't think I'd want to remember it at all."
Firelight dances in Bucky's blue eyes, casting dark shadows along his face. "The not knowing. It's worse. Because then, anything could have happened."
"And you're mind probably comes up with things that are worse than the truth," Ari says, tossing her used skewer into the fire.
"Exactly. So I'd rather know once and for all. Best way to deal with it."
"And are you dealing with it okay?"
He's quiet for a long time, simply staring at his hotdog dangling in the fire. Just a few inches closer and it'll burn to a crisp. Ari's fingers curl into her palms. It's a stupid question. Of course he isn't okay.
But she wants him to be. However, wanting something to be true does not make it so.
"I wish I could just forget, like Lina said," Bucky murmurs. "Just erase it all and go back to the way things were. Before Hydra, before the war, before any of it. Just go back to it being me and Stevie, getting into trouble on the streets of New York."
He pulls his hotdog back, taking a bite without checking how hot it is, probably burning his tongue but not caring. "Steve wants that, I know. Though he hasn't said as much. Still, I can tell. Just...the way he looks at me sometimes. It's like he's looking at an old photograph. It's me yet...not me."
"He wants you to be the happy-go-lucky Bucky he remembers," Ari says softly. "Before you fell from the train."
"Before the whole war even started, before I got drafted. He'd take us back in time, if he could. But it all happened and we can't undo it all. We can't go back, neither of us, and ignoring it ain't gonna fix it either."
"You've got to learn to live with it," Lina says with a nod. "It's like finding out about aliens. Sure, it was nice when we didn't know. When we thought we were alone in the universe. We all felt safe and in control, but finding out about all these big, powerful aliens changes things. We can't help but wonder when the next invasion is going to be and everyone's afraid. We want the ignorance of before but...we can't just erase what we know now."
"Yeah, kinda." Bucky finishes his hotdog in two big bites. "But aliens might be a bit freakier than anything I could've done."
"How did you take the whole Cybertronian thing?" Ari asks curiously, sensing his need for a subject change. She trusts the others handled the introductions while she and Darcy were away and, by the way his hand clutches his stake a little bit tighter and his eyes rove over all the alt modes surrounding them, she's not disappointed.
"It's...weird," he replies lamely. "I mean, cars? Really?"
"All the weird slag going on lately and you think the fact that they transform into cars is weird?" Lina asks skeptically, blowing on her hotdog where it caught fire a little.
"You screamed the first time you saw us transform," Sunstreaker says, his holoform suddenly blinking on right next to Lina, making her jump. He grins slyly. "Admit it. It still freaks you out."
"Don't do that!" she yells, pointing her hotdog on a stick at him threateningly. "The only thing that freaks me out is the fact that you have to be such an aft all the time. I mean, seriously, is there a nice circuit in your processor anywhere?"
"I don't think I can be nice to anyone who murders food like that." He uses his finger to brush the stake out of his face, looking down at the burnt hotdog on the end in horror. "Did you really have to set it on fire? What did it ever do to you?"
"What? They're good like this!" Lina pinches her hotdog with her fingers, smirking in satisfaction, before taking a big bite out of it.
Sunstreaker gags. "Sorry, but I don't like a mouthful of ash."
Lina swallows, giving him a coy smile. "Well, you don't know what you're missing."
"Yeah," Sunstreaker mutters, an odd seriousness overtaking his voice as his eyes sweep over Lina's face with a softness Ari has never seen on him before. "I think I just might."
Ari holds her breath, wondering if she shouldn't find an excuse to drag Bucky away subtly, when Bucky suddenly blurts out, "I remember you."
Sunstreaker and Lina snap out of the little bubble that was just starting to form around them, each taking a small step away from each other. Ari holds in a sigh. Those two will figure this out eventually.
Hopefully, anyway. The blushing is a good sign, at least.
"Who do you remember?" Lina stammers, focusing all of her attention on Bucky instead of the holoform next to her.
"You," Bucky mumbles, head tilted in curiosity like he's trying to remember where he last placed his pencil. One of his memories must be replaying in his head, but from when? "I think I remember you."
"Uh, of course you do," Ari answers warily, wondering if she should go get Ratchet. "You met her earlier today, remember? When you first woke up in Ratchet's alt mode."
He shakes his head, eyes narrowing in concentration. "No, before that."
Ari's stomach drops. Yeah, he did see them before. And it wasn't a good first meeting.
She holds out her hands placatingly, trying to come up with something soothing to say, but then it's too late. His eyes widen in recognition. Backing away, he drops his stake in the dirt of the concrete floor as his head shakes back and forth.
"Bucky," Ari says, as calmly as she can, while reaching out to Sideswipe over the bond. She tells him to go get Steve, Loki, and Ratchet, not really sure what kind of help he's going to need right now. "Bucky, it's okay."
"No, it's not!" he shouts in horror, backing up three steps for every one she takes, so she just stops.
"Sure it is, Bucky. You didn't do anything wrong."
"I...I tried to kill her." He points his finger at Lina, like a little boy accusing someone of picking on him, but he looks so lost. His eyes widen even further, his finger rounding on Ari. "And you! I tried to kill you both!"
"None of that was your fault, Buck," Steve says, coming up beside Bucky and placing a hand on his friend's shoulder. Bucky quickly shakes it off, continuing to back up.
She can see Loki and Ratchet's holoform a little ways behind him, ready just in case he decides to bolt.
But there's no running from this. Not really. Not from his own memories. He knew he wouldn't like most of what he saw, but knowing that and living with it are two different things.
"I don't blame you for it," Ari reassures him softly, hoping he sees the sincerity in her eyes. "It wasn't your fault. Lina doesn't think so either. Right, Lina?"
Lina opens her mouth and Ari can just tell there's a snarky remark on the tip of her tongue. Ari arches a brow at her, saying without words that snarky is so not what Bucky needs right now. Lina's mouth snaps shut and she rolls her eyes playfully. "Yeah, just chill. No hard feelings and all that jazz."
"How can you just say that?" he demands, angry tears brimming in his eyes as he grips his hair in his fingers, so hard it's like he's trying to tear it out of his scalp. "I tried to kill you! And you wouldn't have been the first. I've killed dozens of people!"
Steve shakes his head, eyes brimming with his own tears. He reaches out for his friend again but, again, Bucky backs away. "It wasn't your fault, Bucky. None of it was your fault. You didn't do those things. Hydra did."
"It was still my hands!" He shoves his hands out in front of him, palms up and fingers curled like claws. Disgust drips from his eyes as he stares at them, especially the metal hand. His voice pitches to a near-whisper, "I...I'm a monster. Their weapon. You should just kill me now. Put me down like a rabid dog."
"No," Steve begs, the word coming out broken. "No, Buck, we're not gonna do that."
They stand in silence, unsure how to battle the utter defeat coming off of Bucky in waves like a thick, cloying smoke. How do they help him when he doesn't want to help himself? When he doesn't think he deserves to be helped?
"Hold up there, mister," Darcy objects, stomping right up into Bucky's face. Even jabbing him in the chest with her finger. "Are you telling me you wanted to kill them?"
"W-Well, no," Bucky stammers, eyes wide and caught off guard, not even bothering to push her hand away.
"Then why did you do it, huh? If you didn't want to, then why?"
"I…." His mechanical arm whirrs as his hands clench and unclench sporadically at his sides. "I wanted to follow orders."
She waves her hand dismissively. "That was because of the brainwashing. Don't trust those memories as an example for what you really feel. Right now, in this moment, without anyone else's input or influence but just you—do you want to kill them?"
He shakes his head immediately. "No. Never."
She gives him a soft smile. "Then everything's good. It wasn't your fault and no one here's gonna blame you for it."
He frowns, eyes sliding over to Natasha, lingering on Tony. "But there are so many other things I've done. It was still these hands that did it all."
"It still was not your fault," Loki tells him. "I know that feels hard to accept now. I…have experienced this level of manipulation myself before. It will be a long time until you feel like yourself again. But we will do all that we can to help you."
"Why? You don't even know me."
"Doesn't matter," Ari says, pouring all of the warmth and kindness she can muster into her smile. "You're friends with Steve and he's like family. And even without that, knowing that we can help, how can we not?"
"We've got you, Buck," Steve says, reaching out once again to touch Bucky's shoulder. Bucky doesn't pull away this time, instead sagging into the touch. A shaky breath of relief whooshes out of Steve. "Everything's gonna be okay."
Bucky's mouth twists into some semblance of a smile, trying so hard to believe his best friend. "Well, if Captain America says it, then it must be true."
Once their stomachs are full and a watch is set up, they settle in for the night. Sideswipe transforms into his bipedal form, allowing Ari to stretch out on his chassis like she's used to doing at home.
Lina sleeps on the ground across the warehouse, lying on a blanket and looking fast asleep already with her hands pillowed under her head. She lays on her side, facing away from Sunstreaker who sits just a few feet from her in his bipedal form, gazing down at the human with a combination of fear and longing.
"What do you think is going on between them?" Ari asks, snuggling deeper into Sideswipe's arms as she watches her friends, Sunstreaker too consumed to notice her staring.
"There are definitely real feelings there," Sideswipe answers, presence pensive in her mind. "He cares about her."
"Like, as just a friend, or something more?"
"Not sure." His thumb rubs up and down her back soothingly. "Would it really be so bad if he did? Care about her as more than a friend, I mean."
"Honestly? I don't know. I know what I told Lina, that the hurt would be worth it, but...she's right, Sides. They're not like you and me. I always had a feeling of…rightness with you. And because of the AllSpark, that feeling led me to believe that things would work out in the end. But Lina isn't the AllSpark. She and Sunstreaker don't have any alien mumbo jumbo to help them out and fix things to make them sparkmates or to extend Lina's lifespan. They'll just…have a couple of decades together—if things even work out between them—and then…that's it. She'll be gone."
Those thoughts bring tears to Ari's eyes, an intense sorrow filling her chest until she can barely breathe. The same goes for her. All of the friends and family she has now or will ever have—beside the Autobots, Loki, and Thor—they'll all be gone in a couple of decades while Ari lives on, unaging. Even Loki and Thor will be gone eventually. She'll outlive them all, even some of the Autobots. She'll live as long as Sideswipe, so long as he lives out the full length of his natural life.
They'll all be gone one day.
Sideswipe's presence wraps around her, an imitation of the arms around her, holding her close. She burrows into his love and comfort, allowing the bond to help her push the tears away.
"Don't go thinking like that, sweetspark," he soothes, pressing a kiss to the top of her head. "Whatever time they have together—and whatever time you have with all of these people—you know it'll be worth it. Living with the sorrow of their passing is better than living with regret."
She turns in his arms, pressing the side of her face into his chassis. Tears dampen his metal but he doesn't say anything. "Would you have regretted it? If the AllSpark couldn't have made our bond and my long life possible, and if we never got together, would you have regretted not taking that chance?"
"Every minute of every day until the day I offlined," he replies vehemently, the seriousness of his words echoing across the bond. It's rare that he is ever so serious. When he is, she knows to listen to his words, to take them to heart as a truth as unbreakable as the bond itself.
"So what do we do?"
"For now, I think it's best to just leave them be. They need to decide for themselves what it is they want, and whether or not it's worth it."
"I just want them happy, Sides."
"I know. And they will be. There's nothing we can do to help that along, and pushing won't solve anything. This is something they need to do on their own."
Author's Note
So many feels.
I'm slowly getting Lina and Sunstreaker together. Don't worry, it's gonna happen because the characters decided it for me a long time ago (it seriously wouldn't leave me alone until I made it official for the story) and they're getting a happy ending. I swear it. It just, you know, might not be smooth. Smooth rides aren't fun. Bumpy ones are. Supposedly.
And then there's Bucky, struggling with everything that's happened. That seriously wouldn't be easy for anyone. I know where he's going to end up at the end of it, though, and he'll make it through okay. It's just, you know, again with the smooth rides. Not very interesting.
Next chapter will be up July 27. We make it to the mysterious destination. Which I'm sure some of you have guessed where they're going.
And one more thing! For my fans of Life Versus Living, my Jurassic World fic. There have been inquiries into whether or not I'm going to write a sequel. I held off on writing more for the series once I found out another movie was coming out for the same reason. Am I going to write a sequel?
Yes. Yes, I am.
I really liked Fallen Kingdom. It had concepts I was already thinking of using in some more one-shots, so it'll be easy to tweak them a bit to make them work.
And I want to save the fragging dinosaurs, fraggit. Stop killing my babies!
*cough* Anyway, that probably won't get written until this fic is done. But it will happen, so keep an eye out.
Hope you enjoyed, PLEASE REVIEW, and see you all next time!
