Chapter Twenty-One

Lily sat with Severus for the remainder of the afternoon. Sometime later, Severus woke, and when his vision cleared enough to see Lily sitting there, he smiled weakly.

"Hello," he said thickly, the heaviness of the sleep and the potions affecting him.

"Hey, Sev," Lily replied gently, leaning over and taking his hand. "How are you feeling?"

"All right, I guess," Severus said, groaning some as he shifted his weight to sit up more.

"That's good," Lily murmured. "My goodness, Sev... I was really worried about you. What did they do to you exactly?"

"Mostly kicked me several times. Mulciber used the Cruciatus on me... twice."

Gasping, Lily exclaimed, "That's awful! Oh, Sev, I'm so sorry... Surely Dumbledore expelled Mulciber for that?"

Severus nodded weakly. "Yes, he's gone, and the others will be severely punished, whatever that might mean."

"Serves them right, those bloody bastards," Lily ground out savagely.

Not accustomed to hearing such harsh words come from Lily's mouth, Severus smirked. He chuckled softly. "Listen to you, Lily," he remarked.

"What?" she asked, still upset at Severus's tormentors. "I don't find anything funny about this, Sev."

"I'm sorry," he said, trying to stop himself from laughing further at Lily's indignant expression. "It's just not like you to speak so meanly."

Lily, seeing his point, relaxed. "I suppose you're right," she agreed, smiling a little. "Well, I'm glad to see you awake and okay."

Severus murmured his thanks, and then a silence fell between them. So many thoughts went unsaid among them. If Severus had heard Lily's quiet declaration about never leaving his side, what would he have said? Now that he was awake, Lily kept those words to herself. Somehow, it meant more that way. Too many times people exchanged meaningless platitudes, and when the true moment of testing loyalty, trustworthiness, and love came, so many fell in defeat. Lily didn't want to be one of those people. She was a Gryffindor after all, wasn't she? Hadn't she broken down the age-old barrier between houses and proven that a Gryffindor could indeed love a Slytherin?

The same was true for Severus. He had lived years without Lily in his old life. He knew what it was to love, and for the first time, he felt that love returned. The old Lily had been his best friend, but this time, he knew they were closer than ever before. He wasn't the type of person to express what he was feeling very often, and if Lily was to keep her thoughts inside, so would he, for now. A part of him was almost afraid he might lose her again if he simply said the wrong thing. Hadn't his words done irreversible damage before?

While calling Lily a Mudblood had been a terrible thing to do, Severus knew it was so much more than that which had caused Lily to finally separate herself from him in his other life. Years of Lily making excuses for his poor behavior and choice of friends had finally come to an end. Severus was far from laughing now. Her kind words, "I'm glad to see you awake and okay," were too kind.

"It wasn't long ago that I was one of them, you know," Severus remarked with self-loathing.

"But you're not anymore, Sev; you're not," Lily protested. "You talked with Dumbledore. What did he think?"

Frowning, Severus spat, "He seemed to think I'm still suspicious enough to warrant invading my mind."

"What do you mean?" asked Lily, shocked and curious.

"Dumbledore is a very good Legilimens, Lily," Severus explained with a sigh. "He can read people's minds and find what he's looking for. He questioned my motives - seemed to think I was probably only acting differently for your sake."

"But that's ridiculous!" Lily demurred. "I know you're not doing it for me. You helped your mother, for example. You were doing that out of the kindness of your own heart, not for me."

Severus considered what she said. While it was true that his helping Eileen had been for Eileen's benefit (and his own), Severus couldn't help but wonder if most of his actions would have still been negative had it not been for Lily. He had claimed to have protected Harry and worked for Dumbledore all those years in his past life simply for Lily... or in her memory, anyway. Did he truly have no motivation of his own to do what was good and right?

Severus had spent many nights awake as a professor wondering that very thing. What was his nature? Lily would tell him he was a good person, and Dumbledore in his old life would have told him the same, at least a few years after Severus had been working for the Order of the Phoenix. If he was good, then why had he been drawn to that which is dark and evil? A chance to prove himself, to be powerful in his own right... but he knew now how foolish he had been in his youth before.

As much as he had tried to hate Harry Potter, through resentment of losing Lily and the boy being the son of James Potter, time was a strange thing. The passage of time had changed him, and perhaps Dumbledore had been right about one thing. A man couldn't simply change sides because of his feelings for one person and then not go through further evolution in all the years that would follow. Especially now, being forced to literally relive his life, Severus saw the pattern. The mistakes he had made before were so glaringly evident now, instead of mere blurred memories that he could glance back upon through a telescopic lens.

Now, at least, Severus could believe with some conviction that he was consciously choosing to act for the right reason: because of the intrinsic goodness of those actions. Finally, he surrendered to the truth of his present existence and nodded. "I suppose you're right," he agreed, although it wasn't easy for him to accept.

Lily had watched him as he mentally deliberated, knowing it was difficult for him to admit that fact - that he really was a good person.

"You are, Sev," she stressed. "If you need to be reminded, I'll gladly do it for you. Besides, I'm not the only person who cares about your welfare."

At this, Severus raised an eyebrow. "Oh, really? he inquired.

"Yes," Lily said, pausing. "After I told Madam Pomfrey about you being attacked and injuried, I went to the Gryffindor common room. I really just wanted to be alone, but of course, knowing my luck, Potter and Black had to come in minutes later. Potter acted all concerned about me, and I told him it was you who was hurt, not me. The idiot shut up shortly after that, and I left-"

Severus snorted. "I hardly see how this means anyone else was concerned about my wellbeing, Lily. It's not surprising that they would react that way."

"Impatient boy, let me finish," Lily said, half-joking, half-irritated. "Anyway, once I was in the corridor, Remus approached me. He said he was sorry for what happened to us, both of us, Sev."

Severus scowled. It was typical of Lupin to be the peacemaker. Knowing the man in his other life as a fellow professor and member of the Order, Severus had eventually come to tolerate the man, even though he didn't much care for him. It was true enough that Lupin had been cordial toward him as an adult and hadn't engaged in the activities of harming him like Potter and Black had in their youth, but neither had he done anything to stop them.

"How thoughtful of him," Severus sneered.

"Sev," Lily insisted, "you know he meant well."

"Oh, he always means well enough, Lily, but if he really cared, he would stand up to his supposed friends."

"True enough," Lily conceded, "but I think he's just afraid of losing their friendship. He's got a problem... that illness that affects him so much... He knows what it feels like to be different, Sev. Maybe you two could relate."

"I don't think so," Severus disagreed, turning stubborn on purpose. "You mean to tell me that you still think he just has a 'problem,' an 'illness,' Lily? He's a bloody werewolf. A dangerous, vicious monster once a month. That's the truth, and before you try to defend him, I know it's not his fault, but being friends with reckless people like Potter and Black almost led to my death last year. Black, in fact, thought it would be funny. We've had this discussion, I know, but I still have no desire to spend too much time around him."

Bad vibes. Bad repercussions. Severus visibly shuddered thinking about every incident he'd had in the Shrieking Shack. Lily had no idea the fear that place gave him, first because of the werewolf Lupin, but later because of much more serious things. How could he tell her the extent of the damage? Not trusting Lupin when they had taught together, thinking Lupin had been in on the betrayal with Black for telling the location of the Potters to the Dark Lord... Being brutally knocked unconscious by the three students he had been trying to protect, including Lily's own son, as he was trying to save them from the two men who he thought responsible, in part, for Lily's death... and finally, his own fate met in that shack... Lily's green eyes staring down upon him as he drew in one last rattling breath. His mind was whirling, one true nightmare leading to another.

Witnessing Severus's fast and shallow breathing, the cold sweat dripping down his paler than usual face, the scared look in his frenzied eyes, Lily reached for his hand, utterly worried for him, but hoping to stabilize him. She had no idea why the mention of Lupin should have this terrible effect on him.

"Sev," Lily pleaded, "what's wrong?"

Severus flinched at her touch, closing his eyes, all those horrific visions pooling relentlessly in front of him. He opened his eyes and locked with Lily's green orbs, begging, "I'm so sorry, Lily; I'm so sorry. Please forgive me..." Unable to stop himself, Severus recoiled and squeezed his eyes shut, forcing the stubborn tears from falling, writing humiliation all over his face. On top of everything else, he didn't need that, too.

"Severus," Lily breathed, now very concerned. "What's the matter?" Had those boys' torture done this to him? All she could figure was that he was somehow suffering from the lasting effects of the Cruciatus. In that moment, Lily thought he was bordering on insanity. She was speechless.

Severus forced himself to calm down. Years of hiding his true feelings made it easy enough to erect the necessary barriers quickly and effectively. When he returned more to a normal state, Severus opened his eyes again and said stiffly, "My apologies, Lily. That was... unintended and inappropriate. Perhaps..." he swallowed, "perhaps you ought to go now. I'm sorry."

Hurt by his formal tone, Lily stood and nodded, trying to keep the tears from falling. "I hope you're all right, Sev. If you really want me to leave, I will. Have I done something wrong?" she asked.

"No... not your fault," he ground out. He softened, saying, "I'm just worn out. Thank you for coming. I'll- I'll see you later, okay?"

Lily nodded again, forcing back the tears. "All right," she replied shakily. "Good night, Sev."

Feeling both afraid and wanting nothing more than to reach out to him, Lily embraced her Gryffindor courage and leaned over, kissing him on the lips. Severus weakly returned the affectionate gesture and watched as she left in silence.

Not too much later, Madam Pomfrey returned. "Good, I'm glad to see you're still where I left you," she remarked. "How are you feeling?"

"Physically, better," Severus said, not meeting her eyes.

Madam Pomfrey sat in the same seat Lily had occupied earlier. "Is something wrong, dear?"

Sighing, Severus said, "It's... really complicated."

"Do you want to talk about it?"

"I don't know how much I really can talk about it," he admitted, for that much was true. Severus's haunting thoughts about his old life weren't something he could openly reveal to anyone. If Lily had thought him crazy moments ago, telling Madam Pomfrey about his former life would really make him look crazy.

"I gave the headmaster a good talking to," Madam Pomfrey remarked, smiling. "I still cannot believe he didn't bring you here immediately. I'm glad those boys are getting their just rewards, especially Mr. Mulciber. Really, the very idea of using an Unforgivable on another student, or anyone for that matter, is just sickening." Madam Pomfrey sounded downright insulted.

"And you- you don't think I'm like those boys?" Severus asked in a quiet voice. He wasn't sure why he was opening up like this to the matron, but her demeanor was inviting and understanding. Severus had spoken with her many times as an adult. She didn't judge like so many others.

"What?" Madam Pomfrey gasped. "Dear heavens, no, child! The amount of times I've seen you in here, I knew you were never like those awful boys."

"But you know my interest in the Dark Arts... why Potter and Black feel it all right to victimize me."

"That's not reason enough, Severus, to harm another person. I know you're an intelligent, well-read, powerful wizard, and frankly, I think your interests in the Dark Arts are more out of curiosity to learn more and to also protect yourself."

That was spot on. It almost scared Severus how right she was. "How- how did you know?" he questioned, thinking of the times when he had only been a child and reading old books from the Prince family that lined the shelves in his house. He had wanted only to protect his mother and himself from his drunken father. Then, at Hogwarts, Severus finally thought he would be accepted, for he would be around others like himself. The need to prove himself from a young age had been vital to him.

"It's not so much a matter of knowing as just feeling," Madam Pomfrey explained. "You're an introspective boy, usually alone, and you might try to fool everybody into thinking you really don't care, but no one has that many walls around him, Severus, unless he's scared and hiding. You have never once fooled me with all your tough words and biting mannerisms. You're so young yet. No one your age should have to endure that kind of life, child."

Blinking at the frankness and sincerity of her words, Severus was rendered speechless for a while. If only she knew that he wasn't quite as young as she thought... what would she think if he were an adult? He already knew the answer to that question. Regardless of his age before, Madam Pomfrey had not only tended to his physical wounds, but she had always been a calming presence in his unsettled life. She seemed to know exactly what to say, and what made it all the better was that she meant every word.

Severus couldn't disagree with her, but neither did he want to admit how right she was. Instead, he simply nodded. "Thank you, Madam Pomfrey."