8.28.18
A kind person has been donating to my KoFi lately, so I decided to repay their kindness with a little kindness of my own.
Enjoy everyone!
12.
Elsa wakes early to the sensation of soft lips puckering against the nape of her neck, just below her hairline and above the curve of her shoulder. It takes a second, in the dark, to remember where she is. Her eyes blink through the gloom, settling on the shape of the crooked floor lamp by the door. The air is absolutely frigid.
"Elsa." Hot breath whispers across her skin, and she shivers. "Elsa."
"Mmm?" Elsa shifts with a groan.
A soft, pliable body is fitted snugly with hers, chest to back, knees slotted together, arms wrapped tight around her waist and her neck. The cold nips at her cheeks and nose, making the cocoon of warmth under the blankets that much more intoxicating. If she never moves again it'll be too soon.
Lips return to the nape of her neck, meandering down to her shoulder and her spine. Elsa shifts, whimpering softly. Her voice is hoarse and her throat feels like sandpaper. Her body throbs in places that have become all too familiar. A warm finger slides against her sternum.
"We have to get dressed soon."
Elsa's breath hitches as the one finger is joined by a second, third, and fourth, curving languidly around the bottom of her naked breast. They squeeze possessively, gliding up to palm her fully, and her hips jump.
"Mm!"
"Shhh…" Anna's tongue flicks between her shoulder blades. "There's still a little time before everyone wakes up."
Elsa grinds back into Anna's pelvis, undulating slowly, striking up a tantalizing rhythm. "How much?"
Anna exhales roughly. "An hour, maybe."
The blankets shift, heat mounting to become almost unbearable when Anna takes Elsa's prone nipple between her fingers, still sore. A jolt of lightning lances through her, stealing her breath, plunging south into her pelvis. She begins to sweat. Anna's teeth close around the shell of her ear, and Elsa has to roll her head into her pillow to keep from crying out.
"God, I love the sounds you make." Anna words are breathless. Her scorching lips fumble along Elsa's hairline.
Elsa squirms as Anna's hand slides lower, pausing to pinch and pluck and caress. She has barely a second to anticipate Anna's trajectory before a warm hand is lifting and pulling Elsa's thigh back to hook over Anna's knee, prying her open. The pads of Anna's fingers thread into the neat patch of hair between Elsa's legs, swirling, then tugging, aimless and cruel.
"Anna."
"Hm?"
Elsa pumps her hips, gasping as the tips of Anna's fingers slip lower into the slick mess forming around her core. Hot sparks spread from that tiny source of friction, crawling down her thighs, climbing into her chest. Her teeth chatter, struggling to release the energy buzzing beneath the surface. Her mouth opens and closes, soundless.
Anna gnaws gently at her neck. "You were saying?"
"Kiss me," Elsa begs, "please?"
Anna's movements stall. Her heavy breaths are deafening in Elsa's ear, and for several long seconds, she remains frozen. Elsa turns her head to look, finding Anna's expression obscured in the dark.
"We can't go back now, can we?" she murmurs, licking her lips.
Elsa swallows slowly. "It would be hard."
"Mhm." Anna leans in until their lips are brushing, feather light and soft, pulling back after only a short beat.
"Do you wish we hadn't?" Elsa asks.
Anna is still for a moment, then leans in again.
Her silencing kiss is urgent.
/-/-/-/-/
Jenny picks up on the second ring.
"Look who decided to call back."
Elsa tips her head back and peers up into the silver-grey sky. "You were right."
Her voice is flat, nose runny, mascara bleeding around the edges. A flock of red-breasted robins sails past toward the bramble-ridden copse of naked elm trees at the edge of the field. Her eyes water in the biting wind, moisture streaming back across her temples to collect in her hair. The cold cuts through her heavy down coat like a thousand, biting needles, but the resulting discomfort has, at least, made her temporarily lucid.
After a heavy silence, Jenny's sharp exhale carries down the line. "God, I'm afraid to ask what I was right about."
"Pretty much everything."
"Okay, so we're feeling extra dramatic today," Jenny says. "Got it. Could you maybe narrow it down a bit? Just so I know what the hell you're talking about?"
Elsa bends over to dig a bit of melting slush out of the tops of her oiled leather boots. The field in front of her is hidden under a blanket of pure, undisturbed snow. Behind her, a line of deep tracks leads back through the trees toward the park where Anna and her cousins are building a snow fort.
"Elsa."
"Hm?" She straightens up.
"You were saying?"
"Sorry," Elsa says, "I spaced out."
"You called me, made a sweeping declaration about my ability to predict the future, and then spaced out?"
"Yes?" Elsa sighs and touches her hair, fingers bumping clumsily against the front of her old Carhartt hat. She'd forgotten about it. "I had my first kiss yesterday."
"Shit, really?" The sound of something clattering against a hard surface carries down the line. "Wait, but- wait. I thought you were fucking your roommate?"
"Yeah." Elsa lets that sink in. "I am."
"So…" Jenny trails off. "So you're fucking your roommate, but you've never kissed her?"
"Basically."
"What the fuck? That sounds like some serious not-on-the-lips, no-homo bullshit to me."
Elsa winces, because no other statement has ever summed up her backwards relationship with Anna so succinctly. "I guess."
"So you kissed her finally? It was her, wasn't it?"
"She kissed me, technically."
"Technically?"
"Well, like," Elsa fumbles for a moment, "I kissed back."
"Jesus. Of course you did."
"Jen-"
"-Don't even say it."
Elsa swallows thickly. The wind is stinging her eyes again and she turns her back to it. Her chest hurts. She wants to sit down in the snow. She almost does.
"I can't even believe I'm about to fucking ask you this, but like… was it- um. Was it…? You know."
Elsa shivers, and squares her shoulders. "Was it what?"
"The kiss. Was it like, nice?"
"Oh." Elsa blushes, can literally feel her cheeks heating up. "Um. Yeah, sure."
"Yeah, sure?" Jenny scoffs, and Elsa listens to the sound of Jenny's nails clicking against some hard surface, maybe the kitchen table or the birch-top desk in her tiny bedroom. "Well, that's fucking inspiring."
"I mean, I thought it was, but I was also getting floorburn at the time, so…" Elsa shrugs.
"...This new, sexed up version of you is so weird," Jenny says after a beat.
"Is it?"
"Very."
"Hm."
"Seriously, floorburn?"
"Yeah. I'm kinda banged up."
"Gross, Larsen."
Elsa flashes a wry smile at the birds circling the park. "You know, I was thinking earlier in the shower that somehow I've managed to do all of this backwards. I killed someone, had sex with someone, and kissed someone. In that order."
"Well, shit. When you put it like that..."
"I know."
"You're supposed to strangle the hot, crazy chick in an intense lovers quarrel after you've already slept with her. That's the script."
"She's not…" Elsa starts. "She's not crazy. Messy, sure. But not crazy."
"You only think that because you're in love with her."
Elsa's eyes fill with tears so abruptly she's even startled with herself. She tries to speak, but her throat is swelling shut, and all that escapes is a faint rasp. Her hand shakes as she wipes her nose. The snarp sniffle makes Jenny sigh.
"I made you cry."
"It's… I-It's okay."
"No it's not. I'm sorry."
"No, no, no." Elsa tenses against another gust of wind, not sure anymore whether she's shivering from cold or emotion. "It's fine. Really. I cry all the time now anyway."
"Um. Love isn't supposed to make you cry all the time, Elce."
"I don't see why not," Elsa retorts. "Besides, Anna's not the only thing I cry about."
"Are you fucking pouting? Oh my god."
"No," Elsa sniffs again, then rolls her eyes. "Maybe."
"Larsen, if this bitch is-"
"-Anna."
Jenny sucks in a patient breath. " Fine. If this bitch, Anna, is treating you bad, you have the right to dump her ass and go find someone else. Okay? College if full of hot, bisexual girls, and you're gorgeous. Don't fucking settle for the first dumb bitch that makes a pass at you."
Elsa kicks petulantly at the snow. "It's not like I want to be in this mess."
"Don't you?"
"No." Elsa peers back up at the sky. "God, of course not. It's torture. I never have any idea what's going on. I don't even know what she's thinking most of the time."
"But you agreed to go on this trip, didn't you?"
"I couldn't say no." Elsa licks her lips, cold and chapped, rough in the center where she's bitten them. "She's got this...hold on me."
"It's called love, doofus. That's what love does to people."
"It feels more like a spell." Elsa shakes her head, and gazes off toward the misty horizon. "All I know is I can't stop thinking about her. And I can't seem to say no to her either. I know I should, but I don't want to. I just keep hoping…" She trails off, unsure.
"Hoping what?"
"I don't know."
"Hoping she'll love you back?"
Elsa frowns. "I didn't think it was possible. I don't know."
"What do you mean you didn't think it was possible?" Jenny asks. "What does that mean?"
Elsa bites her lip. "…I'm a murderer."
Jenny is silent for a long moment. Only the tapping of her nails can be heard on the other end, clicking just faintly over the wind in Elsa's ears. "...And that means you don't deserve to be loved? Is that what you're saying?"
"I…" Elsa swallows around the painful lump in her throat. "Maybe."
"Oh my god, where do I even start? Jesus fucking christ." Jenny sighs. "Okay, look. First of all, you didn't murder someone, you shot your piece of shit dad."
"But-"
"-No. No buts. He's the one who came over to the house with a gun and started waving it around. Like, you give yourself way too much fucking credit, okay? You're not some cold blooded killer now just because you pulled the trigger in the middle of a fucked up situation."
"Jenny-"
"-No, I'm not done. Second of all, you need to get some actual professional help for this PTSD bullshit, because you're a mess! Calling me in the middle of the night talking about blood and nightmares and- whatever! You need to ask for help. Stop punishing yourself! End the fucking suffering already!"
"But-"
"-Still not done! Third of all? You need to learn to love yourself. Like, if you ever expect to be healthy and whole, you need to figure that out. Love yourself, Elsa. Fucking forgive yourself. Your life isn't over just because you had to deal with some fucked up shit in high school. Love. Your. Self."
Elsa realizes her mouth has fallen open and snaps it shut, hastily wiping away fresh tears on the back of her glove. "But...I feel gross."
"Well, too fucking bad. You're not gross. You're just a useless lesbian with a flair for the dramatic and no common sense."
Elsa sniffs. "Fuck off."
"I love you, Elsa. You're my best friend. Now take care of yourself, okay? Do it for me."
"Okay."
"Okay?"
"Yeah, okay."
Jenny laughs, dry and acerbic, and Elsa can actually hear the tension leaving her body. She wonders who else has ever been this worried about her. She wonders if her mom is worried about her.
"I've gotta go," Elsa says, listening with one ear to the voices carrying over from the park, "but I love you, too. And um...thanks. For everything."
"Of course. Take care okay? Call me if you need anything."
"I will," Elsa promises, and hangs up the phone.
/-/-/-/-/
It's weird being around Anna's family. Elsa feels like she's carrying a heavy weight on her shoulders, like she's literally lugging her secrets around Saratoga Springs as they peruse the line of brick-faced shops lining the old main boulevard.
"Act normal," Anna had whispered, running a finger over Elsa's wrist in Nana's front hall.
The spot still tingles when Elsa's sleeve shifts. She's sore from three rounds of intense sex, and still dizzy with endorphins, but the need in her only seems to grow with each encounter. She imagines bending Anna over the plastic salt water taffy bins in the candy store, hiking up her heavy, wool dress and yanking down her fleece lined tights. A tiny cousin tugs on Elsa's hand, directing her urgently toward a drum of strawberry licorice, and Elsa jumps, startled out of her guilty thoughts by the oblivious intrusion of a child.
"This one, Elsie," the girl, Mariana, says. "This one, this one!"
In the old toy store, Elsa ducks around clusters of Black Friday shoppers, and finds Anna hunched over a table of miniature, electric trains with Ryder, laughing and smiling as he puts two cars on a collision course.
"Anna," she says, breathless, like the opening declaration of a poem, and their eyes meet over Ryder's head for a long, speechless moment.
Anna's gaze flickers as the little trains collide, careening off their tracks and over the side of a wooden bridge. "Is something wrong?" she asks, tentatively.
Elsa watches Anna's throat work, the nervous swallow, the purse of pink lips. "Luciana wants you. She really needs to use to the bathroom."
The spell is broken. Anna rolls her eyes and stands, and Elsa's mouth dries up as she imagines grasping Anna's hand in hers, leading her back into the bathroom alone to kiss her against the side of the stall. Her body thrums in response. A wave of heat rolls up into her head, but her forearms prickle with goosebumps.
"She always needs to pee," Anna grumbles, stomping past, "and she always waits until the last damn minute to tell anyone. Entertain Ryder for me?"
Elsa kneels down on the carpet beside the table of trains. The scent of Anna's perfume lingers here, in the air, and it makes her heart beat a little faster.
"You stare at my cousin a lot," Ryder says, matter of fact. He doesn't even look up from the controller in his hands.
A bead of sweat trickles down Elsa's spine. The store is overheated for their heavy, winter attire. She shifts to find a more comfortable position.
"Because she's pretty," Elsa replies, mildly, although her stomach is twisting. "I wish my hair was as pretty as hers."
Ryder picks up a train and examines its wheels. "She takes forever in the bathroom."
"It takes a long time to make your hair look nice like that. It's a lot of work."
His gaze flicks up from the toy in his hand, green and flecked with gold. "She stares at you a lot, too. Why do grown ups always stare at each other? It's weird."
Elsa feels a little winded by this revelation. "It is weird," she agrees, nodding.
"You can't agree with me. You're a grown up,"
"I can agree with you if I want."
"No, but I'm calling you weird," Ryder insists, shakes his head. "I'm saying you're a weird grown up. You're supposed to disagree with me."
"Why? It's the truth." Ryder wrinkles his nose, and Elsa sighs. "Look, sometimes… Sometimes grown ups do things even though they know it's weird."
He squints at her, studying her like a bug beneath a magnifying glass. "Why?"
Elsa bites her lip. "I don't know. Maybe they can't help it."
Ryder perks up a bit. "Like mind control?"
"Yeah," Elsa reaches for a fallen train and sets it on an empty stretch of track, "it's a lot like that."
Ryder grins, abandoning the controller on the table and scattering several trains in the process. "Come on," he says, jumping up, "I want to go look at the Star Wars stuff. The Jedi can use their mind control powers to trick people, did you know that?"
Elsa responds in the affirmative, staggering up to follow him as he winds off through the hustle and bustle in the store, making his way toward a section of lightsaber-wielding action figures in the back. He's still chattering about the finer nuances of Jedi versus Sith lords when Anna finds them ten minutes later, Luciana and Mariana on either side of her, each clutching a hand.
"It's time to go," Anna says crisply, brows furrowed with displeasure. "Luci had an accident."
The ride back to Nana's is undertaken in relative silence. Luciana pouts in the backseat, wrapped in a towel pilfered from the trunk. Mariana dozes in her carseat with her mouth ajar, drooling slightly onto her plump little chin. Beside, them, absorbed in his video game, Ryder mashes buttons on his smartphone. Lea sits in the way back reading a book.
From the passenger seat, Elsa watches Anna steer her mother's Land Rover through the snowy, city streets. Anna determinedly keeps her eyes on the road. Her hair is straight today, spilling out like red silk from the brim of her mustard yellow beanie. Elsa physically stops herself twice from reaching up to touch it.
"Thanks for taking them out with me," Anna says at a stop light. "Normally Madison helps, but she wouldn't get out of bed this morning."
"Yeah, sure." Elsa shrugs. "I was up anyway." Anna's shoulders tense, her gaze hardens, and Elsa realizes she might've made a mistake. "Sorry," she adds, quickly. "I didn't mean to-"
"-It's fine." The light turns green. Anna eases on the gas. "I'm just trying to stay focused."
Elsa's head tilts as her mind works. "And you're having trouble with that?"
A pink tint appears in Anna's cheeks as she slowly, carefully, takes an icy corner. "I'm a little tired."
"I'm sure."
"Elsa."
Elsa holds up a hand. "Fine. Sorry."
"Later," Anna says, like a promise, then reaches out to turn up the radio.
/-/-/-/-/
It's generally unclear what Anna means, exactly, when she uses words like "later", but Elsa tries not to get her hopes up. A promise from her mercurial roommate is worth very little. It's usually better not to dwell on it.
Fortunately, the house is abuzz with activity when they return. Anna's Aunt Rosa greets them at the door to shepherd her daughters back toward the bedroom, scolding a tearful Luciana along the way.
"Oh, she's in so much trouble," Lea says glibly to Ryder, who snorts.
"Boots off," Anna chides. "Don't track snow in Nana's house."
"I wasn't going to!" Lea whines.
Anna rolls her eyes and Ryder snorts again as he bends down to unlace his shoes. Elsa marvels at Anna as the older sister, a role she hasn't really witnessed until now. It's nice to see these new sides to Anna. It feels like intimacy, like secrets shared. It feels familiar.
"I'm gonna go find Mads," Anna says, eyes furtively darting toward and away from Elsa's lingering blue. "I told her and Shannon I'd give them a ride to the mall. Will you be okay by yourself for a while?"
Elsa blinks, a little surprised at being asked, until she remembers her anger from the night before, the carefully phrased words to Kathy. She gives Anna a reassuring nod, and that's all Anna needs. She slips off toward the stairs. Elsa is once again left to her own devices.
She finds herself in the kitchen, seated at the breakfast nook over a piece of leftover pumpkin pie and a cup of a black coffee. The newspaper, fanned out on the table in front of her, has been picked over several times already, its innards shifted out of order, and Elsa counts the page numbers as she searches for the next section of an expose about local organic farmers. She's so engrossed she barely registers the figure settling in across the booth.
"So, where's that granddaughter of mine run off to, hm?"
Elsa twitches and glances up. Across from her, in a forest green cashmere sweater, black and white checked apron, and pearls, sits Nana MacIntosh. A mug of tea rests between her hands, and from her slight frame wafts the delicate scent of rose water. Her blue eyes fix Elsa with a knowing stare. Any answer Elsa might yield seems insufficient in the face of what is surely prescient knowledge.
"I think she's driving Madison and Shannon to the mall," Elsa replies, weakly.
"Hm." Nana drums her fingers on the table. "Did you not feel up to the mall, then?"
Elsa returns a blank stare. She hadn't actually given it any thought. That option hadn't been on the table at the time.
Nana purses her lips and leans back in the booth. Her gaze is focused, but not mean, only thoughtful. There's a conclusion in the hunch of her shoulders and furrowed set of her brow. She's an shrewd, perceptive woman Elsa realizes, and a familiar lump forms in her throat.
"I don't presume to know the precise nature of your relationship with my granddaughter," Nana says, watching Elsa carefully, "but I think you might find it interesting to know you're not the first confused young woman she's brought around here."
Elsa blinks, gripped suddenly by an overwhelming impulse to blurt out the truth. "You're not…" she pauses, weighing the prudence of her words. "We're… I...I don't know what she thinks of me."
Nana smiles thinly. "How do you think of her?"
Tears fill her eyes in an instant, and Elsa is stunned to find how close they had been to the surface, tucked just a few inches under the ice. She tries to speak, but the lump in her throat has swollen into a boulder. Nothing escapes except a dry rasp. Her hands shake and her blood runs cold.
"You love her."
Elsa's chin drops. Teardrops appear in the denim on her thighs.
"Have you told her?"
Elsa shakes her head like a scolded child. A cool, dry hand touches hers, unfurling the fist she'd made of it on the tabletop. Fingers brush across her palm and lace with hers. The comfort of it is as soothing as it is distressing.
"Nana, Nana!" Luciana runs up to the table with a toy in her hands, faltering when she catches sight of the tears on Elsa's face.
"Go play with your cousins," Nana says firmly. "I'll be over in a minute."
Luci glances between them with bright eyes, then does as she's told, whirling on the spot and sprinting off the way she'd come. It's only then, looking up, that Elsa realizes they're otherwise alone in the kitchen.
"I sent them out," Nana says, following her eyes. "I thought we could use a bit of a privacy."
"T-thank you," Elsa croaks, and tries in vain to clear the lump from her throat.
"I'm concerned about you, dear." Nana leans in and lowers her voice. "Ever since you arrived on my doorstep you've seemed a bit off. You carry a lot of sadness with you."
Elsa's tears fall faster. She clutches harder at Nana's hand as the shaking grows worse, and Nana clutches back.
"You're a lovely, bright young woman, and I know exactly what Anna sees in you because I see it myself, but if my granddaughter isn't treating you well, please know that you don't have to endure it."
Elsa wipes her eyes on her sleeve and spends nearly a minute gathering herself enough to formulate a reply. What comes out isn't eloquent or profound, but it's steady.
"Anna's complicated," she croaks.
"Indeed," Nana replies. "I don't know everything that happened, but I know enough. The girl's got baggage."
Elsa frowns, straightening somewhat in her seat. "Sorry, what baggage?"
Nana's eyes narrow slightly. "Perhaps I've said too much."
"No," Elsa pleads, "please, I don't need the details, just… She's so cryptic sometimes. Anything that will help me understand…"
Nana purses her lips, thinking it over, then at last seems to relent. "...Her parents have been very tight-lipped about it, but I know for a fact she was abused in some fashion, and I suspect it took place while Mark was sick, as we were all very distracted during his treatment."
"When she was 15?"
"Yes. She transferred schools midway through her sophomore year, and one of her previous professors was quietly arrested, though Kathy was careful, even with me, not to reveal too many details." Nana strokes a thumb across the back of Elsa's hand and withdraws her grip. "I'm sure it goes without saying, but you'd best keep this information to yourself, dear."
Elsa nods. "I will. Thank you."
Nana smiles wanly and takes a sip of her tea, leaving each of them to their own thoughts for a few moments. Elsa's head should be whirling with the information revealed, but it's unusually quiet, still as a lake at dawn. Abuse makes too much sense. Elsa should've seen the signs, and never mind that her own symptoms have manifested so differently. The avoidance, the hot and cold swings, the masks, the secrets. It all adds up.
"You don't seem surprised," Nana observes, after some time.
"No," Elsa replies, tracing her finger along the seam of a newspaper page. "It all makes sense."
A collective groan goes up from the other room, where Elsa knows a football game is playing, and she inclines her head instinctively in its direction. The house is still alive with the ambient sounds of its guests, but Elsa, finally wrenched from her thoughts, is more aware of them now than she has been all day.
"Elsa…" Nana begins, gently, then sighs. "I've lived long enough to see the mark of darkness on a person, and I sense you've suffered great hardships in your young life. Whatever you do from here on out, you must take care of yourself. Life is long and full of opportunities for healing, do you understand?"
Tears gather in Elsa's eyes again, but she blinks them away.
"Yeah," she says, and bites her lip. "Thank you."
"It was no trouble, dear." Nana comes around to pat her shoulder as she stands. "You looked like you could use a kind ear. Now come, watch the game with us. I won't have you moping around in this house."
Elsa smiles. "Okay."
/-/-/-/-/
Anna returns at dinner time with Madison and Shannon, all loaded down with shopping bags and slightly out of breath. Elsa sees her over the top of her book, decloaking in the entry, hanging up her scarf and coat, tugging off her boots. She catches Elsa's eye and offers a slight smile, and it's quite a surprise. Elsa can only blink dumbly for several seconds before offering a smile of her own, but Anna's already turned away.
Dinner itself consists of a buffet line of reheated leftovers. Elsa files along the kitchen counter with the rest of them, heaping scoops of mashed potatoes and stuffing and green beans onto her plate. The turkey is added last as a sort of topping, and then, a generous dollop of gravy poured over everything.
"Sorry," Anna breathes, plopping down beside her at the table. "I didn't mean to abandon you for so long, but Mads was grilling me and I figured I should spend some time with her before I go back."
Elsa stares. It's more explanation than she's gotten so far. She's not sure what's precipitated this turn in events, nor is she sure what to do with it.
"Um," she says, gracefully. "I'm...glad you're back."
Anna perks up a bit. "What'd you do this afternoon?"
"Not much. I talked with your grandmother."
"Really? About what?"
"You," Elsa says truthfully, and Anna squints.
"What about me?"
Elsa considers lying, but she's grown very tired of lying. She's grown very tired in general.
"She knows about us," Elsa says.
Anna goes very still. Her eyes dart from side to side, checking to see if anyone's taken an interest in their hushed conversation, but everyone's spread out across the house. Some folks have taken up residence in the living in front of yet another football game. The cousins have clustered around the table, the breakfast nooks, and even the couches. Madison and Shannon are nowhere to be seen.
Anna's teal eyes snap to Elsa's. "What did you tell her?"
"Nothing."
"What did she say to you?"
Elsa purses her lips. She takes a bite of turkey dredged through gravy sodden mashed potatoes and chews slowly. Anna makes an impatient noise under her breath that Elsa pointedly ignores.
"Why are you dating Hans and fucking me?" Elsa asks finally, when the silence has stretched thin.
Anna bristles. "If you want to stop-"
"-I don't want to stop." Elsa takes another bite of her food, chews, swallows. "I don't think you do either."
Anna stares at her plate, expression clouded, brows furrowed.
Elsa nudges her shoulder. "Eat something."
"I'm not hungry."
"People will think something's wrong if you don't eat," Elsa says, and it's the correct button to push.
Anna exhales roughly and grabs her fork. She begins to eat, but it's mechanical. Her mouth remains set in a hard line. She swallows thickly and reaches for her water as Elsa chews silently beside her, positively rigid in the ambient tension.
"I'm tired of sneaking around," Elsa murmurs, when her plate is nearly empty. "I'm sick of lying to everyone."
Anna lays her fork down and stares numbly at her plate. "So let's stop."
"I told you, I don't want to stop."
"Then what do you want?" Anna snaps, glaring at Elsa.
Elsa sucks in a breath and lets it out slowly. She counts the freckles on Anna's nose. She makes a list of all the things she loves, and all the things she hates. It's fairly lopsided.
"I want you," she says, steadily, with a bravery she hasn't felt since that day in the snow, with the gun clutched between her shaking hands.
She has a truth to tell, and she pulls the trigger.
"You have me," Anna tries to protest, eyes pleading.
"I want all of you," Elsa replies. "I don't want to share."
"You don't know what you're asking for," Anna whispers.
Elsa takes Anna's hand under the table and squeezes tight. "I don't care. I want to try."
They meet each other's eyes and something charged passes between them, like electricity crackling along a wire. Anna licks her lips. Her expression yearns, and it's all Elsa can do not to reach out and touch, not to tuck her red hair behind her ear. The room is filled with people, echoing with conversations, but none of it penetrates the bubble they've made for themselves.
"Do you think anyone would notice if we slipped away?" Anna murmurs, mustering a tremulous smile.
"Why?" Elsa asks, although it's teasing.
She'd follow Anna into the river. She'd follow Anna under the ice, into the dark and cold of winter.
Anna's gaze drops to her mouth. "I want to kiss you."
A chill runs up Elsa's spine. "I don't think anyone would care," she says, and that's all it takes to light the fire, to move them from their chairs and send them scurrying down the hall.
"I've been waiting to this all day," Anna sighs, as they clutch each other on the attic stairs.
Elsa's lips find Anna's in the dark and they kiss, slowly, earnestly, with a heat that builds and swirls. She savors the way Anna tastes, and way she shudders. How her chest heaves when Elsa's fingers slip under her dress. How she breathes her pleasure into Elsa's mouth.
They make their way into the room with fumbling hands and feet. Elsa manages, by some great feat of perseverance, to turn the lock and Anna falls back against the door.
"I need you," she whispers, so desperately it draws a moan from Elsa's mouth.
Elsa kisses her, and kisses her, and kisses her. Elsa kisses her for all the times she hasn't, for all the times she's wanted to, for all the time they've lost. Elsa licks her affection into Anna's pliant mouth, and when their bodies begin to shake, when it becomes too much to stand any longer, they fall together into bed, tangled and snared.
It doesn't lead immediately to sex, and maybe that should be a warning, but Elsa hasn't heeded a single sign thus far, and so she doesn't heed this one either. She gives as much as Anna will take, and takes as much as she can in return.
A/N: Don't forget to leave a review and tell me what you liked! Reviews help writers like me maintain a well balanced diet.
For more of my works, visit my main account on Ao3.
You can also find me on tumblr at aeschylusrex
