Chapter Twenty-Nine

When Severus returned to Hogwarts, he had no illusions of his life returning to normal, as if things would pick up where they left off. His mother was gone, dead, leaving him crowded with a constant emptiness that not even Lily could fill. He had shrugged away her attempts at comforting him, which although Lily was trying her best to be understanding and give him his space, she couldn't help feeling hurt by his apparent rejection.

His professors were kind enough, of course, not expecting him to be able to concentrate during class, but neither did they take a single moment to ask him how he was faring, even if it was obvious that he wasn't doing well. Instead of going to the library to study with Lily or enjoying the warmer weather outside like other kids, Severus would confine himself to his bedroom, listless and withdrawn as ever.

His fellow students stared at him, some with fear and others with disgust. If any looked upon him with compassion or sorrow, Severus didn't notice.

It wasn't until two weeks after his return that Lily had finally convinced him to take a walk around the lake with her.

"Promise not to talk too much?" Severus asked.

"Anything to be with you, Sev," Lily replied sadly. She longed to say more, to question why he pushed her away when he should have sought her company for comfort, to wonder what was really going through his mind, to tell him what she was feeling, to insist that his life didn't have to end, too.

Severus scowled, knowing all the veiled thoughts behind Lily's few words. He could have retorted with rude comments about not understanding what he was experiencing, about not wanting to be weak anymore, to be so vulnerable as to set himself up to be hurt again. Severus inwardly sighed, knowing in his adult experience that he was not a sulky teenager, but knowing he still needed time to deal with the aftermath as he felt most adequate.

And so, Severus accompanied Lily around the lake that afternoon after classes. The sun fought with the clouds, intermittently shining through and warming their faces. Spring was now in its glory, and Severus realized what he had been missing by staying inside. He allowed Lily to hold his hand, and in companionable silence, he felt a small amount of peace.

Their peace was quickly shattered, however, when Sirius Black made his presence known by stepping out from behind a tree. It couldn't be more obvious that he had been waiting for them.

"Nice afternoon for a stroll with a pretty girl, isn't it, Snivellus?" he mocked, smirking.

"Just ignore him, Sev," Lily whispered to Severus, glaring at Sirius. "Go away, Black."

"What's the problem?" Sirius insisted. "All I did was pose an innocent question."

Severus, too, glared at Black. "You would do well to listen to Lily, Black," he snarled. "I have nothing to say to you."

"You mean, you don't want to talk about losing your mum? Come on, Snivelly, spill the beans. You've been crying in your room the past two weeks, haven't you? That's why I never see you."

Lily was about to hex Sirius, but another voice interrupted. Remus Lupin stepped onto the scene. "Lay off it, Sirius," Lupin said firmly to his friend.

Severus's eyes were large with shock, but then again, Lupin had tried to play peacemaker as an adult. He sneered at Lupin, "I don't need your help, Lupin. In fact, it disgusts me even more than Black's rudeness."

Lupin frowned at Severus. "Whether you want it or not, Snape, that's not the point. I am a prefect, and if another student is out of line, I have a right to intervene."

Severus snorted. "That never crossed your mind before, I suppose? How many times have your mates saw fit to harass me and you never said a word?"

"Fair point," Lupin agreed (too easily, Severus thought). "Come on, Sirius. Let's go."

Sirius frowned at Lupin and muttered something about him being a spoilsport and no fun. Thankfully, the two male Gryffindors left Severus and Lily to themselves.

"Remus finally grew a backbone," Lily mused, truly impressed and trying to make light of the situation.

"Who cares," Severus muttered. "He's just covering for Black, hoping to save his ass as much as Black's."

"Sev," Lily said witheringly, "can't you believe that maybe he meant well on your behalf?"

"No."

"Why is it so hard for you to accept that others besides me might have your best interests in mind?" Lily questioned, unable to help herself. She was growing frustrated with Severus's stubbornness to address his feelings and cope with the loss of his mother.

"You wouldn't understand," Severus said bitterly. "I know Lupin doesn't care a whit about me. Why should he? What reason have I ever given him to? I can plainly understand why so few would give a shit. I haven't given them any reason to, Lily. I drive people away; it's what I do best. Give me long enough, and you'll leave me, too."

Lily felt her heart breaking for him. Seeing Severus undone at the seams like this was the first time she had witnessed any real emotion from him since the day she had first come to him after he lost his mother. They had stopped walking and were near a small copse of trees, giving them enough privacy. Lily reached for his hand and squeezed it.

"No, Sev, that's where you're wrong," she said firmly. "I'm not going anywhere, and I'll keep telling you that until it's pounded into that thick skull of yours, you git. You've got to stop beatng yourself up. It's not your fault, you know. You did what you could for her."

"Which wasn't enough," Severus murmured, looking at the ground.

Bringing her other hand to his face, Lily gently forced him to look at her. "You did your best, Sev. You loved her, and she knew that. Our best is all we can give, and I know you. You would give your best, but you wouldn't want anyone to know. You would do everything in secret, because for some crazy reason, you don't want others to know your true intentions. Sev, why- what happened to make you so closed off from nearly everybody else? The world is full of good people who would accept you, if only you would let them know the real you."

"I thought we weren't going to talk," Severus said pointedly, not wishing to dive into a deep conversation about his supposed true self and his real motivations, whatever those might be.

Knowing she wouldn't get him to open up, Lily sighed dejectedly. "Okay, no more words," she murmured. Instead, she hugged him, and Severus caved to this small security.

From beyond the trees, hidden in the bushes under his Invisibility Cloak was James Potter. James had just seen the whole interaction between Severus and Lily, and he had to hold his jaw closed, lest it drop in shock.

Merlin, she really does love him, and he... he loves her, too, in his own twisted way, he thought.