Disclaimer: I do not own MGLN but my girlfriend reckons she should!
Author's Notes: nanofatehere; Will Lockhart; Hyilian-Knight; megamar; kaillou; Redmoon021; Guest 1; nanofatelicious; faystay; Lance58 and everyone who favourited and is reading Papillon – Thank you guys. Your reviews make me so so happy and continued support encourages me to keep writing. I promise you guys that I will see this story to the end :-)
And now without further ado here is the next chapter with a light shed on Fate's feelings.
Enjoy!
Chapter 25
Slap
Fate's POV.
We make our way to the thermal spring after stopping by our room for Nanoha to get changed.
I am so grateful for Nanoha. We have only known each other for a couple of weeks but I am not sure what life was like before her. She is so… I do not think I have a word in my vocabulary that would accurately do her justice.
She is a wonderful person, a wonderful person who deserves so much better, who deserves more than the world can offer. I can't deny the fact that she means so much to me. Yet I am… me, property of the Project, a puppet, a monster. One that will surely hurt her in the long run yet… I can't help these feelings for her.
The conversation I had with Linith prior to coming here replays in my head. She had pulled me aside once Mother had left and before we had started packing for the hot springs.
(Flashback)
"Fate, I realise that you are in a really difficult position with your Mother but…I need you do to something for me this week-end. Do you think you can?" Linith is really close to me as she says this. I have a bad feeling about her request. Linith has always had the habit of contradicting the Project in little ways. She has always supported me and dare I say looked out for my best interest as best and limited as she can. She can only do so much. We both belong to the Project.
"Please Fate." Linith urges. I nod ever so slightly which brings a small smile to Linith's lips.
"I know that your loyalty lies with your Mother and I wouldn't question that but for this week-end I want you to be selfish." I look at her confused. Linith elaborates, "Be selfish, I want you to pretend that you do not belong to the Project or that you have anything to do with them. I want you to pretend that you are a normal young adult enjoying a week-end away with friends and loved ones. I want you to let go as much as possible and just be Fate. I know it's difficult but I also know chances like these don't come very often and I want you to take it. I want you to follow your heart. We don't know what next week will bring and we both know that the proverbial shit will most likely hit the fan one day. In the sea of chaos, that will most likely emerge, I would like you to have this week-end as a beautiful memory to hold onto."
Her logic makes perfect sense. We are only deluding ourselves if we think that the Project will continue with what it is doing without getting caught. We are all on borrowed time but … can I do that to Nanoha? I will eventually hurt her. She…
"Be selfish." Linith breaks my train of thought as if sensing my internal struggle. "Just this once, they will forgive you in the long run."
But will I be able to forgive myself…
(End of flashback)
As we get closer to the designated hot spring I hear lots of giggling and chatting, sounds like everyone is there. Upon entering it we are instantly greeted and bombarded by questions.
"Hey guys, what took you so long?"
"Sorry we already opened the sake."
"Fate why aren't you in your swimwear? You are missing out." They look at me with confused stares.
Nanoha answers them all for me.
"Sorry we are late everyone. We lost track of time. Also Fate isn't feeling too well at the moment so she won't be joining us but will relax in one of the chaise longue." She says as she dramatically sweeps her arm in their direction on the other side of the hot spring.
Everyone giggles at Nanoha's theatrical gestures, which quickly puts them at ease.
"Aww shame that sucks, hopefully you will get better soon." Hayate says.
"Thank you, me too." I reply back to her.
I make my way to one of the chairs to the side of the bath in the shadows and sit down. The area is open to the outside. There is a beautiful cherry blossom near the end of its bloom a couple of meters away from the water. It isn't dark yet but I bet once night falls you could see the Milky Way. I glance around at everyone in the bath, Hayate, Linith, Suzuka and Alisa. My gaze comes back around to Nanoha and notice she has taken her towel off… Wow!
She is already a beautiful woman but she becomes even more breath taking each day I get to spend with her. I can't help my mouth from sliding open as my eyes drift over her form. She is wearing a white bikini which accentuated every part of her body in ways that I am sure should be illegal but am not so secretly happy isn't. Nanoha is the epitome of womanhood. There is no doubt in my mind that she will be my willing undoing.
My eyes travel back to her face and I notice she is also staring at me with this look in the depths of her eyes that seem to whisper sweet undeserving promises I long to hear but am also too afraid to acknowledge. I close my mouth and swallow thickly to which she giggles and makes her way into the water. I shake my head and regain my composure. I realise the others have been talking to each other and I decide to tune in to their conversation.
"No way! I can't believe he did that! Someone needs to stop him." Alisa exclaims.
"I know. It won't be long until we get reports that he has murdered someone. That is if the police aren't holding out on us." Hayate eagerly responds to Alisa.
"Or maybe they haven't found the bodies yet. Maybe he chops them up in little bits and scatters them all over Japan and in the ocean." Alisa just as eagerly chips in.
"Eww you have been watching way too many detective shows." Suzuka adds.
"It could be true, how do we know anything?" Alisa defends herself.
"Who are you guys talking about?" Nanoha asks.
"None other than the infamous Golden Butterfly." Hayate dramatically whispers.
At this my face heats up like I have been slapped. Of course that would be what they would choose to talk about. Today is really proving to be a really long day. How can I pretend to be normal when my reputation follows me like a vile stench? I silently sigh and brace myself for the rest.
"Seems like we have really missed out on a lot of the city's action while being out here." Alisa breaks the silence.
"I wouldn't want to be caught up in any of that though." Suzuka adds wisely.
Life is one giant irony. Here I am, the infamous Golden Butterfly, listening to people talk about me without knowing my real identity. In the past this wouldn't have affected me quite as much, yet today… Talk about karma.
"I am sure it is a more complicated situation than what we are aware of." Linith tries to counter.
"What is complicated about the situation? He is a bad guy doing bad things and should be locked up for good." Alisa brutally voices. She is right and for some stupid reason I had momentarily forgotten that.
"I would want to know his reasons though for doing what he has done. The crimes seems so far removed from each other." Hayate almost wistfully says.
Alisa grunts indignantly and huffs out, "You sound like a bleeding heart Hayate. It doesn't matter why he has done it. The point is that he has and should be stopped."
"Sometimes people are dealt bad cards in life, giving them no control over their own lives." Linith tries again. Her effort to try and protect the so called Golden Butterfly, me, is commendable. Yet she will loose this battle. The fate of the Golden Butterfly is already sealed.
"That is no excuse, people have choices in life and he can choose not to commit these crimes. It's as simple as that." Alisa passionately states. Is it that simple? Is it within my capabilities to say no to Mother?
A little giggle escapes the person next to her. "Alisa life is not black and white." At Suzuka's words Alisa is about to comment when Suzuka adds, "I am not defending his actions I am just saying that coming from a privileged background we may not be privy to what makes certain people do the things that they do."
"Well put Suzuka. What do you think Nanoha?" Hayate asks. All eyes turn towards her and I hold my breath in fear of what she might say.
"I don't really follow his exploits on the news so I do not know if I am the best person to ask. I guess his day will come and he will probably be caught." The finality and honesty in her words hits me like a freight train at full speed. Hearing Nanoha speak makes this situation feel all the more frightening. My inevitable eventual demise! Will I have accomplished Mother's wishes and happiness before then? Will people try and understand?
Should I really be indulging myself here at this hot spring with everyone, with Nanoha, when I am really the Golden Butterfly? When Mother still hasn't found peace and happiness? I will end up hurting them, hurting Nanoha and disappointing Mother yet again. Can I live with myself when I do? This makes me an even bigger monster.
Linith's words from earlier come back to me and a small part of me believes them or at least wants to. I want to feel what normal feels like. I want to drown in the soft oceans within Nanoha's eyes. I want to feel something other than guilt and shame. I want to let go and give into desire. I want to tell Nanoha my every secret. I want to be accepted and understood. I want to be me… but a part of me can't. This isn't a fairytale. Even if it was I would still only be the villain who undoubtedly perishes in the end.
Yet once again Linith's words echo louder than before. Maybe it is okay to let go for only this week-end. Can I take a little bit and be selfish? Will I be able to stop once I start? I am so confused.
Why do I think like this? Mother should be my top and only priority. What would Nanoha really think if she were to find out who I really am? I am too afraid to even entertain that idea.
"They never caught Mickey and Mallory." The conversation continues. My confusion and conflicting desires are giving me a headache. I need to slip away.
"Nor the Zodiac killer."
Slowly I stand and make my way out, into the mostly wooden building. My eyes adjust to the darkness within and I make my way down one of the corridors. My throat feels dry. I need a glass of water. I turn and head towards the kitchen.
I belong to the Project; I must serve and obey them.
Yet the thought of belonging to Nanoha… stop right there Fate. I cannot betray Mother yet my broken heart aches for something I have never felt before nor am able to put it into words.
I walk into the kitchen so lost in my own thoughts that I almost knock right into Momoko.
"Oh hello Fate. Didn't see you there. You aren't in the hot spring with the others?"
"Um… no, I am not feeling too well at the moment." I easily say. It isn't quite a lie.
"I did think you looked rather pale earlier. Maybe you should go lie down and I can make you some soup." Momoko takes a step towards me, wiping her hands on her apron and in a surprising move lifts her hand. I can't help my reaction and close my eyes expecting, well I am not too sure what but certainly not the gentle touch that followed. She places the back of her hand on my forehead. Her hand is warm like Nanoha's always are. I open my eyes and look at her confused. Why did she do that?
I notice a pensive look on her face. "You don't seem to have a fever, which is good. Would you like me to make you some tea? I always find that a good cup of tea makes me feel better." She gently says whilst removing her hand from my forehead.
"No thank you, I feel better already." Just like being in the presence of Nanoha, Momoko has a soothing aura. What is this power the Takamachi's have? I look at the kitchen island counter and notice dough surrounded by what appears to be flour. It seems like I have interrupted her making something.
Momoko noticing where my gaze has landed provides me with an answer to my unvoiced question. "I am making pasta. It is a tradition we fell into whilst staying here. I always make it on the first night."
This has me intrigued. "How do you make pasta?"
Momoko laughs warmly and asks me, "Would you like to make it with me and then you will get a first hand experience in the pasta making process?"
The prospect excites me surprisingly and I blurt out, "Can I? I mean I do not want to be a burden nor impose. I may make mistakes." I recoil in embarrassment. Property doesn't ask for things, Property should be thankful for whatever it gets. "I'm sorry that was way out of line. I shouldn't…"
Momoko interrupts me, "I would love the extra help and company. I don't believe you can make mistakes with pasta. Of course the books and professionals will tell you differently, however, I truly believe that if your effort to make it comes from the heart it cannot go wrong, sure it may look a little different but that's not the important part of it. Well that is my basis for the bakery and it seems to be successful enough. Now go wash your hands and roll up your sleeves, this is going to get messy." I smile at her words and proceed to wash my hands, keeping my sleeves down for obvious reasons.
Momoko hands me a pink apron smiling, "This is Nanoha's but I know she won't mind you borrowing it." I take the apron and put it on. The thought that it's Nanoha's comforts me for some reason.
"Right, now put a bit of flour on your hands, you do not want the dough to stick to your fingers." I do as instructed. "The dough is a simple mixture of special pasta flour, eggs, a bit of salt and olive oil. Certain recipes differ slightly in the initial dough making process but it really is just a matter of preference." Momoko splits the dough in front of her in half and gives me a piece. "On the table start kneading the dough like this. You want the dough to be smooth but not sticky. You may have to apply a bit more flour from time to time." Side by side we start kneading our piece of dough. I am a bit hesitant at first but after watching Momoko gain more confidence.
"I am surprised Fate, I would have imagined you having made pasta before." At this I look at her confused. Momoko explains, "Well I assumed with your last name that you are of Italian descent but then as my youngest always tells me I shouldn't assume."
"My Mother is indeed Italian, however, we never made pasta like this."
"That's a shame. Were you born in Italy?" She asks.
I stop kneading for a moment. Where was I born? I don't even know. There is a pang in my heart. I had never thought of this before. Mother's possible words at the idea of asking her echoes in my head "Property isn't born, it is created."
I lie, a simple white lie for the truth would be too pitiful, "Yes, but I do not remember very much, we moved to Japan when I was very little." I resume kneading the dough.
"Ah okay, does your Mother cook much Italian food? I am a bit of a fan of Italian food ever since Shiro and I went there on our honeymoon."
I have no idea if Mother cooks at all. We shared some meals together when I was very young but I don't remember much. Until I was released from the Fortress I ate meals mainly alone or with Linith present. Another half lie will have to suffice, "Not really, she is very busy with work." I need to steer the conversation away from me and my dysfunctional upbringing.
"So I am assuming Nanoha has learnt her wonderful baking skills from you?"
"Flattery Fate will get you everywhere; don't let anyone tell you otherwise. Indeed when she was little she has always had an affinity to baking. My other children not so much but with Nanoha you just couldn't keep her out of the bakery. We baked for hours together. I remember having to pry her away from the kitchen at times."
I can just imagine a little Nanoha wanting to bake multicolour cakes all day long. The thought leaves a smile on my face.
"Right I think our dough looks good, time to use the pasta machine." We move over to the side of the island where I notice what must be the pasta machine. Momoko divides the dough further and dusts them as well as the machine with more flour.
"Now we grab some dough like this and put it through the machine. Fate I will need you to catch it as it gets fed out on the bottom and gently take it as it comes through without pulling." I nod my understanding and follow Momoko's instructions. "Sometimes you have to do this process a few times and fold the dough in half until you have a strong sheet. We also start with the largest setting and gradually narrow it down to the lowest until the dough is about 1mm thick. This process can take a bit of time, patience, bench space and is very messy nyahaha." Instantly it becomes apparent where Nanoha gets her vibrant laugh from.
I watch in amazement as the dough gets transformed into thin sheets out of the machine. Who would have thought that making pasta was so easy? After a little while I swap places with Momoko and she lets me operate the machine all the while explaining how to make the different shapes.
"Since we are almost done I will call my other half in to do the sauce. Darling?" Momoko calls, "Pasta's almost ready you may want to get cracking on your sauce." We here a muffled reply to which I assume is a 'will be right there'.
"Maybe you can surprise your Mother with pasta one dinner. I'm sure she would be impressed by your new found pasta making skills. You can even borrow our machine." Momoko says as I gently push the last piece of dough into the pasta maker.
"Maybe." I answer knowing full well that that wouldn't be taken so well by Mother. My one attempt at making her something as a child, dare I say, ended disastrously. A shiver runs down my spine at the memory and subsequent beating. I briefly close my eyes and shake the thought away. Now isn't the time. I glance back to Momoko who is smiling warmly to me.
Momoko's patience and warmth this entire time takes me by surprise. I hadn't expected this. Is this what a mother is meant to be like? Are mothers and daughters meant to cook together and chat about seemingly nothing in particular? Does she act differently with Nanoha?
"Thank you Momoko for teaching me how to make pasta."
"No need to thank me, it was a great delight showing you. It was nice having company whilst making dinner and having an extra pair of hands is always very welcome." I notice at her last words that she is looking over my shoulder with a barely concealed grin and before I have the chance to turn around two soft hands find themselves over my eyes and a body gently comes to rest against my back.
"Guess who." A voice I would recognise anywhere, softly whispers in my ear sending goosebumps over my arms. A comfortable feeling takes place in my gut and I can't help the smile tugging at my lips. I place my hands on top of the soft ones over my eyes and gently grasp them.
"Nanoha." I say and turn removing her hands whilst still maintaining a hold of them. I come face to face with a glowing Nanoha. Everything about her makes me happy. We are still so close and peering into each others eyes.
"I like that apron on you." She says with a cheeky glint in her eyes. I flush a little and she giggles.
Linith's words start replaying in my mind "Be selfish- follow your heart." I turn back to the kitchen island and with my index finger swipe a particularly floury area. I turn back towards Nanoha who is looking rather confused by my actions and with a cheeky grin which I am sure mirrored her own I gently brush my index finger onto her nose.
Nanoha pulls back with a surprise shriek. She rubs her finger tips on her nose.
"You so didn't." She stares at the remains of flour on her fingers then looks back towards me. I see a smirk make its way on her ever so beautiful lips. "I think I will have to return the favour." I watch as her body leans into mine and I instantly notice her warmth. A shudder makes itself known throughout me. I watch as Nanoha leans further and her hands make their way behind me onto the island counter top. Her eyes have me rooted in place. The vibrancy of them leaves me in utter awe.
Nanoha slowly shifts and brings her hands back and then with lightning fast speed ruffles my hair with all the flour she managed to sneakily collect. In the time it takes me to realise what she has done she is out of the kitchen and running down the hall giggling.
I smile, turn and collect a fist full of flour and can't help my feet from moving and giving chase following the soft laughter. Nanoha had stopped in the hallway but upon seeing me laughs louder and turns into a room. I follow her into the room and notice that it hasn't got any adjoining doors for Nanoha to escape into. Nanoha is currently boxed into a corner with her hands out in front of her trying to suck up enough air as she is laughing.
"I think it is my turn to return the favour." I say and advance towards her.
"Don't you dare." Nanoha returns playfully.
I smile and continue heading towards her. Nanoha sees the flour clutched in my hand and shrieks loudly. "Fate, I'm warning you." She says in between laughs. I ignore her and am nearly upon her.
I am literally inches away from my stunning prey and prepare the flour attack when Nanoha grabs both my wrists and launches herself into me.
"Don't think I will make this easy for you Fate." Nanoha giggles whilst trying to maintain a hold on me.
"I wouldn't expect any less from the infamous White Devil." I say as I half heartedly fight the restraints on my wrists.
We wrestle for a little while, neither of us getting any further. I feel the flour getting sticky in my damp palm. The heat radiating between us is palpable. The sounds of our giggling and panting are over riding the use of words as we continue our battle for dominance.
In a quick movement I decide to twist my wrist and due to Nanoha's also damp palms easily break free with the flour free hand. With that free hand I bring it around her waist and hold her closer. I feel her exhale sharply at the added contact. With her now free hand she latches onto my other hand. I don't think I have ever laughed this much before. I decide to change my strategy a little and use my height advantage.
I lift my hand that Nanoha is clutching with both of hers above her head.
"Hey that's cheating." Nanoha declares without any seriousness in her voice.
"I didn't realise that we were playing fair." I say with a smirk. I notice Nanoha temporarily pause at this and use this to my tactical advantage. I press her body even closer to mine and raise my hand above her head that bit further. I decide to open my palm a little hoping to get a bit of flour onto Nanoha's head. The little bit of dry flour remaining in my hand does indeed sprinkle down onto my desired destination. Nanoha shakes her head but doesn't let go.
I will have to bring out the big guns. With my hand that is wrapped comfortably around her waist I decide to poke my fingers into her skin. This can only work if she is… suddenly Nanoha lets go of my hand above her head and grips my hand around her waist. Yup she is indeed ticklish. Nanoha is laughing so hard that I see tears in her eyes. She is trying to say something to me but cannot get the words out due to her laughing.
She is leaning so far back to get away from my fingers that I fear she may fall in the event that she where to get out of my hold. I abandon the flour and bring my other hand around her waist as well. Nanoha is a gorgeous giggling mess in my arms. At my action at having both my arms encircling her delicate waist she leans forward and brings her hands around to clutch at my back.
"You made me laugh so much that my stomach hurts." She says as she presses her face in the crook of my neck. My arms instinctively tighten even further around her, moulding our bodies together. Nanoha stops moving. I can feel her heart beat wildly and wonder if she can feel mine too. I close my eyes and savour the sweet smell of her hair.
"Mine hurts too." I honestly declare. I feel her hands grip even tighter around the back of my shirt. I am acutely aware of her hot breath on my neck, branding me hers forever more. It sends a welcome quiver down my spine.
We are embracing each other so tightly as if the world will end at any moment's breath.
My skin is tingling everywhere that she is pressed against me. I wonder if she is feeling the same. Every cell in my body feels like it is reacting to Nanoha, trying to reach out to her, yearning for her. There is a quiet desperation surrounding us. I want to see where it takes us. I feel Nanoha's lips on the top of my collar bone which sends my senses into overdrive as my synapses fire into explosive celebrations. Like a tuning key my body is humming and vibrating, hungry for more. All logic and reasoning no longer exist in this new world with a language of the heart. I want to stay here forever.
I feel Nanoha's lips press further into my burning skin and a groan I didn't know I was holding escapes my parched lips.
"Nanoha, Fate, dinners ready!" Momoko calls out from the kitchen. I hear and feel Nanoha sigh. Our spell, our new magical world, isn't broken though. I release my hold on Nanoha. She looks up at me with the most dazzling smile.
"I should probably change. I feel sweaty and for some reason am covered in flour." She adds with a mischievous grin.
"You are still beautiful to me." I declare to which she blushes and reaches for my hand, interlacing our fingers. An action I am fast realising I can't do without.
To be continued…
