Chapter Thirty-Two
With dawning horror, the realization at what he had done struck Severus like a blow to the stomach, and he felt sick. Knowing he had precious few minutes before someone came if Sirius's screams had been overheard, Severus knelt at the other boy's side and began the healing spell. His concentration was fully on the spell, lest he slip and killed the sorry bastard.
The lacerations healed, but Severus knew Black would still need to go to the infirmary. Reminded of walking in on a very similar scene when Harry Potter had stupidly used Sectumsempra on Draco Malfoy, Severus was disgusted with himself... and very afraid in that moment. How had he let his emotions take such hold on him that he had lost control of his magic and done this much damage?
Sure, Severus hated Black, but he didn't wish him dead. He had only been so keen to see Black receive the Dementor's Kiss because he had once thought, like everybody else, that Black had been responsible for betraying the secret location of the Potters, and that had meant Lily's death.
Horrified at what he had done, Severus wanted to run, leave the school, and never return, but like he imagined, within a couple of minutes, students who had overheard Black's piercing screams arrived on the scene. Gasps and looks of shock and fear met Severus. He gazed at the floor, unable to look into their judging faces, and surely not wishing to gaze upon the victim of his brutal, unbound magic.
Then, a Scottish voice demanded, "What is the meaning of this? Mr. Snape, what in the name of Merlin have you done to Mr. Black?"
This is it, Severus thought miserably. I'm going to be expelled at the very least.
Drawing his courage, Severus forced himself to meet the eyes of the speaker. McGonagall was as white as a sheet, and her face was filled with a mixture of dread and anger. What could he possibly say? No words came when he feebly opened his mouth. Instead, his shoulders dropped in defeat, and he resumed to staring at the stone floor.
"Mr. Baker and Mr. Reyes, please take Mr. Black to the infirmary," McGonagall instructed two Hufflepuffs standing nearby. "Mr. Snape, come with me."
She stepped around the blood, which Severus hadn't had time to clean up before the students began pouring in. Resigned to his fate, Severus didn't bother to protest or defend himself. He followed McGonagall to the headmaster's office.
"You will tell Professor Dumbledore what you did," she admonished, "and he will decide what to do with you."
As they stepped onto the revolving staircase, Severus felt like everything he had worked for the past year had been for nothing. He had been reborn the same man he had died. Nothing had changed. He couldn't help but be reminded of the hatred in McGonagall's voice and the loathing on her face as she led the other teachers in driving him out of Hogwarts mere hours before his demise. He had died a traitor in their eyes, and with a heavy heart, Severus knew they would always see him as nothing worthy in this life.
They arrived at the door to Dumbledore's office, and McGonagall knocked. Within seconds, the door was opened, and Dumbledore stood there, a perplexed expression on his aged face. The old wizard looked from McGonagall to Severus and frowned.
"Minerva, I trust something has happened?" he inquired.
"Yes, Headmaster," she stated crisply. "Several students and I just overheard terrible screaming coming from the guest wing, and so, I went to see what the cause was. I found Sirius Black lying in a pool of blood, unconscious, and Mr. Snape was standing over him with his wand out."
"Very well, Minerva," Dumbledore replied evenly. "I trust Mr. Black is being tended to now?"
"Yes," McGonagall said.
"Thank you, Minerva," the headmaster said in way of dismissing her. "I shall take it from here."
McGonagall left with a brisk nod and was gone. Severus felt his insides go as cold as ice as he stepped into Dumbledore's office. Dumbledore didn't say anything for a long time, and Severus wondered if this was part of his punishment: to be subjected to minutes that seemed like hours of Dumbledore's scrutiny.
"Mr. Snape," Dumbledore finally addressed him, "do you wish to tell me why you used a such Dark Magic on Mr. Black? What curse did you employ, anyway? I have never seen something like it."
Severus muttered, "Sectumsempra."
"I'm sorry?" Dumbledore asked.
"The curse," Severus said pathetically, "was called Sectumsempra. You know the Latin, I trust, Headmaster? 'Always cutting.' I... I invented it, sir."
Dumbledore's white eyebrows raised to his hairline. "You invented it?" he inquired sharply. Severus could hear the trepidation in the headmaster's voice. "You are all of seventeen years old, and you invented a spell which can do that?"
Severus knew what Dumbledore was thinking. He was both awed and fearful of the young man in front of him.
"So young to have mingled with such Dark Magic, Severus," Dumbledore said sorrowfully. "My concerns for you have been confirmed, then."
"No," Severus protested without thinking.
"No?" Dumbledore asked closely. "Do explain yourself, Severus. Why did you curse Mr. Black?"
"He was... he was going on about my mum, all right?" Severus snarled. "I didn't- I didn't mean for it to happen, sir; I swear! You won't believe me, of course, but that's the truth. Professor McGonagall failed to mention that I promptly healed Black after I attacked him. He would have been dead by the time she arrived if I hadn't, but that doesn't matter, does it? I attacked another student, and you're going to expel me at the very least, so why don't you do us all a favor and get on with it? Expel me and leave me free to my fate, which I'm sure you know without a doubt is joining the Death Eaters!"
"Severus, I never-" Dumbledore tried to say.
"Don't deny it!" Severus bellowed, his own body shaking with fury. "You and everyone else know it!"
"Calm down," Dumbledore interjected firmly. "If what you say is true, that you didn't intend to attack Mr. Black, then show me."
Severus glared at him. "You're not poking around in my mind."
"I didn't intend to. Use the Pensieve. Do you know how it works?"
Severus nodded mutely. He brought his wand to his temple and retrieved the memory. Dumbledore placed the Pensieve on the desk in front of them, and Severus added the silvery thread to it. Dumbledore's expression was blank as he dove into the memory. A few moments later, he returned, a look of pity on his face.
"You did tell the truth, then," he said. "What Mr. Black said to you was awful, and while that didn't give you the excuse to attack, you didn't do it knowingly. You have been under extreme distress this entire year, my boy, and the loss of your mother has only made it worse, I am sure. And yes, you did heal him. While I am still concerned that you know such Dark Magic and are inventing your own spells, while impressive, it is also dangerous and gives me plenty of reason to worry about you, Severus. You are a powerful, intelligent wizard, but your history and your actions make your position precarious. I don't know what to make of you."
Utterly shocked, Severus sputtered, "Then- then just do it."
"Do what?" Dumbledore questioned.
"Expel me. That's what you're going to do, isn't it? You expelled Mulciber when he attacked me. I just attacked another student. If I'm so questionable as you seem to think, then assume the worse. I'm just like Mulciber. I deserve nothing less."
Shaking his head sadly, Dumbledore said gently, "That is where you are wrong, Severus. For all your faults and shortcomings, you are not like your old friend Mulciber. He took pleasure in attacking you, and he attacked you in the first place because of what he felt to be a betrayal of friendship. You disassociated yourself from those who were bad influences on you, and I have seen tremendous growth in you this year. Your relationship with Miss Evans is only one of the good things I see in you. A wizard with your skill and power can do much good for the world, but with much power comes much responsibility. You are young yet, but you know the ways of the world. As we speak, there is a war going on out there, and I, for one, would like to see you choose to fight for what's right, Severus. The world could use a wizard like you for the greater good."
"And why does the greater good concern me?" Severus muttered bitterly, thinking of his past life's sacrifices. His life had never been his own to live, whether fighting for the Dark or the Light. "I just want to live my life and be left alone. Is that too much to ask?"
"There will come a time when you will have to choose, Severus, but today is not that day. Anyway, you are not expelled, but I cannot allow what you have done to go unpunished. I'm taking a hundred points from Slytherin and you will be serving detention every Saturday afternoon for the rest of the school year."
Feeling he had been given a reprieve, Severus accepted his punishment. He was floored by Dumbledore's words. Could he truly believe the headmaster, or was this part of Dumbledore's plan to put Severus into the right position and play him when the moment came? Still too wary to trust Dumbledore completely, Severus eyed the door, wishing to escape to his room.
"Before you go, you may take your memory back," Dumbledore said. "It is yours, after all."
"Thank you," Severus replied stiffly, forcing his unbound emotions back inside. He didn't particularly want that memory, but neither did he feel it wise to leave it for the headmaster's use. After retrieving it, Severus exited the headmaster's office.
The whole walk back to his bedroom was met with glares and stares of fear from the students. They muttered amongst themselves as he passed, and all Severus could think was: What was Lily thinking about him now? The whole school knew what had happened.
When he entered his room, he flopped onto the bed, burying his face ashamedly into the pillow, wondering if he would have been better off expelled. Surely Lily would have no reason to love him now.
I'm sorry, Lily.
