Disclaimer: I do not own MGLN but my girlfriend reckons she should!
Author's Notes: I will finish it this story. Thank you to those who have stayed with it.
Bubble duckie: an update for you :)
2nd ARC
Chapter 32
Response
Fate's POV.
Our limbs are intertwined. You wouldn't be able to tell where the one begins and the other ends. Breathy moans fill the otherwise silence of the room. Her bedroom is steeped in darkness. No light is necessary though as I explore the softness of her skin. I have never felt such beautiful skin not marred with scars and injuries. Her body is radiating such warmth.
How did I get here when what feels like mere moments ago I was in the opposite situation?
I have never felt like this before.
My mind is struggling to process it all.
She grounds me yet at the same time sets my heart free. My lips find her delicate throat. Part of me wants to sink my teeth and mark her as mine. Whereas the other part of me would never dream of inflicting any sort of pain on her and simply wants to worship every inch of her. I settle with nipping her skin lightly with my teeth and immediately sooth the area with my tongue, keeping both sides content. This makes Nanoha sigh. She shifts, exposing more of her neck for me.
My hands find their way under her shirt and roam her back, outlining the dip of her waist, all the way to the dimples on her lower back. There is no denying how beautiful this woman before me is.
Nanoha shifts from her side to straddle me. Her knees are on either side of me, her hair falls to form a halo around our faces as if shielding us from the outside world. My hands find purchase on her hips and hold her closer. My lips find hers again and Nanoha deepens it, caressing my tongue with hers. Needing her to be closer still I sit up and wrap my arms around her, pressing her to me, never breaking our kiss.
I feel her hands slip under the shirt I am wearing, her fingertips tracing the lines of scars littering my back. Her touch erasing every bad memory, replacing it with love.
I have never felt so alive, so present, so bound in the moment. My senses are attuned to Nanoha. I feel her so gently grind her centre into mine. I shudder.
I deepen our kiss eliciting a moan from her. My hands travel lower to the tops of her tights and I try to bring her even closer to me. My body is vibrating with energy. I have never felt closer to another person. I want more. I want everything Nanoha is willing to give me.
I kiss her. She is my everything. But what about Mother? I feel a shiver run down my spine. I had completely forgotten about Mother. I rest my forehead on Nanoha's. I open my eyes to see her watching me. Her eyes do not hold any judgement. I look into the depths of her eyes. Nanoha smiles at me. Her smile expresses everything I need in this moment.
Thoughts I put aside come rushing in.
I want to give Nanoha everything in return, to worship her as she deserves. But… I have nothing to give her, no hope, no future, nothing. That thought breaks me. I want so much but I can't. Mother would not allow it. I won't allow Nanoha to be a part of this mess. I can't let this go any further without her knowing what I truly am. It wouldn't be fair to her otherwise. She needs to know. Am I brave enough to tell her though? Am I brave enough to risk losing her? When has she taken precedence in my mind and heart? Taken precedence over Mother?
As I look into her eyes I feel like I am betraying her as I am now. I am a monster. But I want so very much. I want to be with her. I want to be selfish.
My heart aches with one simple truth.
But I can't. I can't do this to her.
I wrap my arms around her and hold her. I bury my head in the crook of her neck. I want to hold her forever. However, I don't have forever. I don't know how long I have. I want to escape who I am and just be with her. Nanoha's arms wrap around me as if sensing my internal struggle. She kisses the top of my head and rests her cheek on my head.
I need to tell her.
"Nanoha." I whisper. I hold on to her tighter. She is real and so very beautiful in my arms. In a different time, maybe we could have been together, maybe I could have given her the world, maybe I would not have been destined to disappoint her, to break her.
I feel a treacherous tear escape, burning my skin as it runs its course. I do not want to hurt her but that is all I am good for.
I feel her breaths, strong, sure and patient. Can I be selfish for a little bit longer, before I destroy everything with the truth? My heart hurts. She said she could never hate me. Can I trust that? Part of me feels like it can, the rest of me is scared, a coward. What would I be without Nanoha? I would be what I was before, a puppet, a puppet belonging to others. I am not sure I want that anymore. What would Mother think if she could hear my thoughts. But don't I have a duty to Mother? Yes, I do. What am I doing?
I screw my eyes tightly shut. Stop thinking like this Fate. Thoughts like this will get you in trouble. You are the Golden Butterfly and you obey your Mother and not your heart.
No… I want to protect Nanoha. I don't want to hurt her. I want her to know me. But who am I? Beside a puppet? I am nothing.
All I know is this will all come crashing down, it will all fall apart. My toxic world will poison hers if I am not careful. I have to protect Nanoha from it.
My heart aches with one simple truth.
I will keep her away from Mother.
I feel Nanoha's breathing deepen. She must have fallen asleep. I gently lower her onto the bed. Her arms are still wrapped around me and don't let go. I reach for the blanket with one hand and cover both of us. I can't help but look at her. She looks so peaceful.
I will protect her.
I gently run my fingers along her cheek and down to her jaw. She is beautiful. I never would have thought I could meet someone as wonderful as her. A smile tugs at the sides of my lips.
"Thank you Nanoha for showing me a different kind of world." I whisper to her.
I hold onto this moment for a little bit longer before the harsh realities are once again exposed in the light of day. I will hold onto these memories with her. I will carry them with me until my last breath.
"Thank you Nanoha." I whisper again as I gently place a kiss to her cheek.
I take a deep breath and hold it.
Thoughts of where I was earlier come flooding in. Regius with his hands holding my wrists as I struggled to get him off. Regius ripping my shirt trying to… trying to… I can't think of this. I release the breath I have been holding. How does everything get so messed up?
I close my eyes and turn my head to the side trying to shake the memories.
No, I cannot let Nanoha in this world. She means too much to me. I will shield her from this.
I look at her again. In these few months I have experienced so many new things, so many new feelings. All thanks to Nanoha. I am in awe of this woman.
My heart aches. I want so many things, things I wouldn't have known I wanted before Nanoha.
I place a soft kiss on her lips.
"I will keep you away from this mess." I whisper to her sleeping form.
I gently release her hold on me. I cover her more fully with the blanket. I will protect Nanoha from my world. Mother demands my obedience, but I give my heart willingly, to Nanoha.
I slowly get off the bed. Nanoha stirs but doesn't wake.
I spot a notepad and pen on her bedside table. I quietly pick them up and jot something down. I place the notepad and pen back onto the bedside table. It is time for the truth.
I smile as I look at Nanoha. She has given me so much, more than she will ever know. I will cherish every moment I have had with her. I will keep the memories safe with me.
I quietly leave her room and make my way to the couch where some of my clothes Nanoha had salvaged now washed and dry, lay. I change into different clothes and make my way out the door. I need some fresh air to sort out my thoughts. I need to think of what I need to do.
I close the door to Nanoha's apartment when I hear a noise to my left. I am about to turn around when I feel a sharp blow to the back of my head. Everything feels light, I can hear ringing in my ears. I can feel that I must be falling but I have no control over it. I don't even feel myself hitting the floor as my vision goes dark…
…I open my eyes, everything is blurry. I blink and try to lift my head. I am instantly aware of a sharp pain to the pack of my head. I flinch and groan. What the hell… Someone hit me. How long have I been out for?
Nanoha! I need to know if anything happened to her, if she is alright. My eyes finally adjust. I look around the room I am in. I am laying on the cold concrete floor. I recognise it almost immediately. It makes my stomach churn. In the short time away from here I had completely forgotten of its existence. I am back at the Fortress. How did I get here?
The back of my head hurts. I bring my hand to rub at it. I feel the remnants of dry blood meaning I must have been out for a little while.
I hear a door being unlocked and finally opening. In saunters Quattro with a wicket grin plastered on her lips. That explain how I got here. Quattro walks over to my left making her way to the window. Her back towards me.
"What a shame you are awake. I was going to take great pleasure in doing it myself." Her voice makes the pounding of my head worse.
"That pretty little thing you have been hanging around with looks quite delicious." She says which makes my blood boil. Using my anger as fuel, I get up and rush towards her. I see Quattro turn but it is too late. I use my shoulder to barrel into her and straight towards the nearest wall.
Not letting Quattro recover, I knee her in the gut, taking the wind out of her. I quickly place my hand to her throat and straighten her by pushing her towards the wall. I use my entire body to trap her against the wall. If she has touched a single hair on Nanoha I will kill her.
Quattro tries to push me off with little effect. I can see that she is seething from being caught by surprise.
"What have you done to her?" I spit in her face. She smirks but doesn't answer. I squeeze the hand around her neck, increasing the pressure. She tries to answer but can't due to my action. I apply even more pressure. I am done with playing her games. I see her eyes go wide as she struggles to take in any oxygen. She tries to move her other hand but I have it pinned between our bodies. The smirk on her face long since gone replaced with a sort of grimace.
"I could end you right now. How easy it would be, and the best thing is that you didn't even see it coming. It seems you have become sloppy as your arrogance grows making it all the easier for me." I can hear her gurgling for air. "What have you done to her?" Again, Quattro tries to speak without much success as I don't let up on her. She goes for a different approach realising I won't release my hold. She shakes her head from side to side. I take that response to mean she didn't do anything.
"Good, if you so much as look at her. We will revisit this position and I will kill you slowly and painfully." I do not know where this aggression and violence has come from. I feel the adrenaline coursing through my body. I apply even more pressure to prove my point. Quattro looks panicked, she now can't get any oxygen into her lungs. The feeling of power is intoxicating. I feel like I have so much control yet none at all. "Do I make myself clear?" With her last remaining strength she shakes her head up and down. I can see her lips going blue. I am enjoying watching the fear and panic in her eyes. I control her fate now. A switch has been flicked on in my mind, a switch I didn't know was there, a switch I am not sure I know how to switch off.
"Fate." I hear from behind me. I look back to see Mother smiling at me. She looks proud.
Nanoha would be horrified…
With that last thought I release Quattro who falls on the floor gasping for air. I take a step away from her. What the hell was I about to do? What did I just do? This isn't me!
"I am very impressed by this side of you. Embrace it. It is who you are." Mother says as she steps closer coming to a stop right in front of me. She owns my personal space.
"I was losing all hope in you, but it does seem you may just be redeemable after what I have just witnessed."
I look at my hands. What is happening to me? I feel like I don't recognise myself anymore. Am I losing my mind?
"Do not fear the change." Mother says as she places her cold hand on my face. She lifts my face, so I am now looking at her. "This is what you were born to do. Make me proud and earn your true name back." Mother looks at me with affection or is she looking at Alicia?
This is the affection I have been craving for since I can remember. I tentatively place my hand on hers that is on my cheek. Mother nods and lets me. I can feel my hands shaking. I bring my other hand up as well. I close my eyes and relish the touch. Mother has never let me do this. I feel like something big has just occurred, something monumental that I am struggling to understand. Nothing much exists in this moment. Time has stopped.
"Embrace your true self." Mother softly whispers to me.
My heart feels so conflicted. It hurts yet its rejoicing.
I open my eyes and look directly at Mother. She smiles at me. I can't help but return it. She caresses my cheek with her hand then grasps my hand giving it a squeeze. She releases my hand. I watch as she hardens her feature and looks at Quattro.
"You, pick yourself up from the ground and go see your Master. He has instructions for you. The next time you won't be so lucky." My mind cannot process very much else. It does not even pick up on what Mother has told Quattro. I feel numb.
I hear shuffling behind me and a door opening. Quattro has left. Mother turns back to me.
"What are you?" She asks. I answer the way I have for years. The way I have been taught.
"Your loyal servant."
"And what is your purpose?"
"To obey."
"Very good. You are getting closer and closer. Come, we have much to do." I follow after her as she heads out the door. It doesn't matter where we are going. In fact, nothing much seems to matter.
She takes me to another room. One I have been to countless times. This is a scene that has played out many times in the past. There is a wall with several items adorning it. Items I am intimately familiar with. I walk up to them and automatically pick the one that I feel suits this situation. I feel the leather in my hand. For a long time, this has been the gentlest touch I knew. I feel like I have come full circle. I turn back to Mother. She nods at me with a smile. I give her the item and move towards the back wall. I turn my back to her and move my hair out of the way. I take my shirt off and unclasp my bra. My back and tattoo are on full display. I bow my head signalling my readiness.
I hear the snake like object coil and uncoil on the ground between us. Its touch a burning reminder of who I am. The truth is I crave this kind of attention. The anticipation of the first touch is always the hardest.
I hear a crack in the air and feel the instant the leather connects with my skin. The first whip always takes my breath away. I exhale sharply.
"What are you?" She asks again.
"Your loyal servant." The leather rips my skin open.
"And what is your purpose?"
"To obey." The sting of the whip is telling me that it's the right answer. A conversation we have rehearsed countless times.
"Do I stop here?" Mother asks.
I know the answer to this and without hesitation say. "No, I need more."
"You are so close to becoming your true self. You are making your Mother so proud. No one else understands you like I do. No one will embrace you like I will. You are mine! You will always be mine." I feel the leather again and again and again sealing her words on my skin.
"I want you to remember this moment." Mother says.
The pain is flaring across my back and tops of my shoulders. I don't know how many it has been.
"If only I could whip Fate out of you." The next three are the hardest and I can't help but cry out in pain. Tears are running down my face.
I am panting heavily. I am not sure how much more I can take.
"I believe we have immortalised this moment clearly. You may dress again."
I obey. I forgo the bra as it would hurt too much. My back feels so tight. I can feel wetness on the back of my jeans. My back must be a mess. I place my shirt back on. My back burns at the contact with the fabric. I feel it stick to my skin.
I take a moment to compose myself. I dry my tears and walk back to Mother. I take the whip from her hands and place it back in its rightful place on the wall. I return to stand before Mother.
"I have two tasks left for you today." I see Mother smirk. "Come, we are going for a drive." I do not know how to feel. My mind has gone blank. I blindly follow like a good puppet being pulled along by its strings.
We head out of the Fortress and into a van. Mother drives. It has never been just Mother and I on a mission. The thought of what she wants to do should scare me, but it doesn't. I am going numb.
We drive for a while and come to a stop on a quiet street. I should probably recognise it, but I don't. Mother doesn't turn off the engine. She turns to retrieve something from the back of my seat. I observe her take a backpack and place it on my lap. I open it and retrieve a bottle and cloth. I know what to do. I prepare the Molotov cocktail. I grab a lighter from the bag.
I am ready. I look at Mother. She nods at me and point to a building. It's a building with a sign that reads Harlaown dojo. Ah yes, now I remember. I get out of the van and walk towards the building. I feel like I am walking to a point of no return. I face the building. I light the lighter and watch the flame. Time stands still.
I light the cloth and throw the cocktail over the fence towards the old wooden building. I watch as it flies through the air and hits the building, exploding into a ball of fire on the roof. I do not watch any more as I am sure the flames have taken hold and are going to burn the structure to the ground. I walk away back to the van where Mother is waiting for me. The sun is setting.
Mother pulls away from the kerb and drives away past the building which is now well and truly alight. I do not feel anything not even the pain on my back.
Nothing is said. Mother drives me to destination number two.
Mother stops the van outside an apartment unit. I turn to her for instructions.
"No one will understand you like I do. No one will accept you like I do. This is your final task for today. I will prove to you that what I am saying is the truth. Your two worlds will finally collide and only one will survive. The Chrysalis Phase will finally be complete. Everyone has had their part to play and they all played them beautiful, unknowingly to the ultimate end of Fate's demise. I know you have tried to keep this little part secret, but you forget I have ears and eyes everywhere my darling. You cannot fool me. You know what to do. Do not disappoint me. I do not have to tell you what will happen if you do."
"Yes Mother." I robotically answer. I open the car door and step outside. I feel like I am having an out of body experience.
Everything I have wanted to protect is going to be destroyed because of me, because of Fate. Twelve hours ago, my life felt drastically different. Twelve hours ago, I experienced such joy, such love. Twelve hours later I will destroy it all. The promises I have made will all be broken. This is ultimately for the best. She will know the real me, the monster behind the facade.
I make my way to the apartment I have come to know so well, towards its owner I have come to care so much for. I have come to rip her heart out and expose the painful truths.
How much do I tell Nanoha? To keep her safe it is probably best she not know too much.
I knock on the door. I hear shuffling on the other end. I could turn around and flee. Run before I make the biggest mistake of my life, but I can't. Mother will surely do worse, if I don't do this and not just to me. It is for the best. I will ultimately keep her away from my world. Keep her safe.
I don't deserve her anyway.
The door opens, the hallway behind her is dark. I savour this last moment. She is perfect. Nanoha smiles at me as if I mean the world to her. How mistaken she is. The light behind her creates a halo around her, making her seem angelic. Compared to me she is.
"Fate." She says my name, or is it my name any longer?
"I have missed you." Nanoha hugs me. The contact is painful, not only because if my back but because this is the last time it will ever happen. I take a small moment of selfishness and hug her tightly back.
"Come in. You know you don't need to knock. You live here now too." She moves from the door. I take a step inside and shut the door behind me, remaining in the dark.
"Linith left a couple of hours ago with a rather strange person. I thought maybe she was with you."
I feel the climax fast approaching. Like a freight train, I am powerless to stop it. Where has Linith gone and with whom? How did I get to this point?
"Nanoha." I savour her name on my tongue for the last time. "I have to tell you something."
I will leave the last part of Fate's heart here with her.
Nanoha turns to look at me. Concern in her features. I remain where I am. She takes a step closer to me, closer to the dark.
"What is it?"
I don't really let her see me. I feel safer in the dark corner of the corridor. "I have to tell you something. I am not who you think I am."
"What do you mean?" I can hear the concern in her voice.
"I have deceived you from the start." The truth never tasted so bitter. "You have been nothing more than a great pastime. But now it has to end." The lies that spill from my mouth feels like acid.
I watch as Nanoha takes a small step back as if shielding herself from what is to come. She remains silent, willing me to continue.
Like a band-aid it is better to rip it off quickly than to prolong the suffering.
I see the disbelief in her eyes. My heart is pounding in my chest begging me to stop.
The final battle is fought and I have already lost. The pieces have all slotted into place to form a tragic masterpiece of deception, hurt and lies.
"Is someone making you do this?" She hits the nail on the head but I cannot tell her that.
"I have lied to you from the start, about everything." I steel my voice. I need to make this quick or she will soften my resolve.
"About everything?" I know what she is asking.
"Yes." I simply say. My heart is screaming to say no. "I have deceived you all along."
I see the tears well up in her eyes. "Why?"
"I needed a distraction and you were it. I have responsibilities to my Mother that are more important than you are. I have to get back to those responsibilities." My voice is cold and uncaring. I see the tears in her eyes. I watch as they spill and roll down her beautiful cheeks. I refuse to look away. This is what I have done. The pain I have created. I will remember it for the rest of my life. I will carve it in my mind.
"You don't mean that." Her voice quivers with emotion. I don't mean it in the slightest.
My heart aches with one simple truth.
Instead I say, "I am tired of stringing you along. You have been fun for a while but now it ends." I lean against the wall and cross my legs. I relish the pain in my back, I need it almost as a sort of penance for my sins.
I can see the look in her eyes are changing. There isn't affection and concern anymore. It has changed to confusion and pain.
"I don't believe you. This is not you. You are not like this." Nanoha says as her voice breaks. She is so strong.
"This is the truth. I can't keep lying to you. You mean nothing to me." This is all my fault. She wouldn't be suffering now if it wasn't for me. Part of me curses the day she ever met me but… the other side will never regret it. This side will die tonight. I will embrace who I am meant to be. I will stop fighting my destiny.
The damn breaks and Nanoha cries openly. I feel myself turn to stone at the sight.
I don't deserve her. I have done enough damage tonight.
"Bin the rest of my belongings." Are the last words I say before I get up from the wall and open the door. I step outside and close it, close the door to my heart, the door to my salvation.
The first step is the hardest, but I keep walking, walking towards Mother. I feel myself grow cold.
My heart aches with one simple truth. The truth that I, Fate, am in love with Nanoha, however, I am losing myself to Alicia.
To be continued…
