Chapter Thirty-Nine
While Severus was speaking with Dumbledore, Lily returned to the Gryffindor common room, where she was greeted immediately by James upon stepping into the room.
"Hey, Lily," he said, "what's this I hear about Snape coming into our common room? Everyone's been talking about it for the past hour."
Sighing, Lily sank into one of the cushioned armchairs near the fireplace. "It's just what you said. Severus came into the common room, yes."
Knowing she wouldn't get away without further explanation, Lily wasn't surprised when James queried, "And do you want to tell me why?"
He took a seat across from Lily, and she frowned at him. Glancing around, she didn't see Sirius, Lupin, or Pettigrew around. "Your friends aren't with you?" she asked quietly.
"No," he said.
"Fine," she gave in. "It was..." Lily stopped, wondering how much she should tell him, if anything. It really wasn't her story to tell, but news would get around the school soon enough that Avery, Wilkes, and Rosier had been expelled. "Severus was serving detention with Hagrid in the forest and was abducted by his old friends... You know, Avery and them. They took him to You-Know-Who."
"You're kidding?" James asked incredulously, leaning forward.
Shaking her head seriously, Lily said, "I wish I was, but no, I'm not."
"And Snape escaped, or did he join him?" James questioned, both shock and apprehension in his voice, on the edge of his seat now.
"He didn't join them, James," Lily replied firmly. "He escaped, and now he's talking with Dumbledore."
"Blimey," James breathed, slouching back into the chair. "That's just..." He couldn't finish his sentence. Not long ago, he had agreed to leave Severus alone for Lily's sake, and while there was a time when he would have doubted Severus's ability to turn from the Dark Arts, he had to admit now that he was wrong about the other boy. Oddly, James felt a sense of relief, whether for Lily or for Severus, he couldn't be sure.
"No wonder he's such a rude git," James remarked.
"Ja- Potter!" Lily exclaimed, annoyed. "That's not a kind thing to say!"
"No, no, you don't understand," James argued. "I meant... he's the way he is because his life is so messed up."
Lily couldn't be sure, but she thought she heard guilt creeping into James's voice. "Feeling badly for how you and your friends have mistreated him all these years?" she jibed.
James shifted uncomfortably in the chair and pulled at his collar as if he was hot. "Maybe," he muttered, standing up and leaving.
Lily smirked at his retreating form, a pride in being right glowing inside.
Times have really changed, she reflected. Severus won't have to worry about those horrible Slytherins next year, and Potter and his friends may finally leave him alone.
Deep down, Lily hoped Severus would be more open to making new friends, although she had a difficult time imagining him ever being truly friends with the Marauders. Allies would be a better word, but if she could come to see that both Severus and James had changed, perhaps the two stubborn young men would see that in each other as well.
x x x x x
Severus's sixth year at Hogwarts finally drew to an end. Without Avery and his friends around, Severus felt confident he would be left alone, and even though he wasn't sure what to expect from the Marauders, they continued to not bother him, either. Talk of what had happened to him spread throughout the castle, and many younger students looked up at him with something akin to awe in their eyes. With a new-found confidence, Severus held his head a little higher and didn't lean forward with his shoulders rounded when he walked. He had never known what it felt like to be admired, and while no one actually said anything to him, he was all the happier for it, as he was a man who didn't want to be bothered by the general public, whether for good or ill.
The train ride home was overall pleasant and eventless. Thankful to have a compartment alone with Lily, Severus spent much of the ride with her leaning against him and his arms protectively holding her. Together, they watched as trees and houses went by, and the landscapes would change every so often.
"Just one year left," Lily murmured sleepily.
"Mmm," Severus said, not bothering to move his lips. He was completely relaxed and didn't feel like making the effort to speak properly. All thoughts of the past several weeks had been pushed out of his mind, and he was allowing himself to simply enjoy basking in Lily's company for a while longer.
"I love you, Sev," Lily said softly, then yawned.
Placing a gentle kiss on the top of her head, Severus returned, "Love you, Lily."
He closed his eyes, which had been drooping closer and closer to being shut, and slipped into a peaceful slumber. Lily did likewise, lulled by the rhythmic motion of his chest and by the steady beat of his heat and by the warmth of the sun on her face.
The sounds of excited voices, of people walking down the aisle outside the compartment, of doors opening, and general movement about the train woke both Severus and Lily hours later.
"Well, it looks like we've arrived," Lily remarked, standing up and stretching.
Severus stood and helped her with her bags. He exited the train with Lily at his side, knowing he had no parents there to greet him. Arrangements had already been made to have Lily's parents drive Severus home. He remembered seeing his mother here a year ago, and his earlier contentment dissolved when he realized he would never see her again.
Noticing the slightly sad look on Severus's face, Lily asked, "You okay, Sev?"
Shaking his head out of the daze, Severus forced a smile. "Fine, Lily... just thinking about the past." Seeing Lily's parents, Severus quickly changed the subject, "There they are. Let's go."
Lily wished he would have opened up more, but they were in public, and now was not the right time or place, she realized. With a small sigh, she followed Severus toward her parents, noticing Petunia wasn't with them.
Mrs. Evans hugged her daughter tightly, saying, "Oh, Lily, dear! We've missed you so much! It'll be so nice to have you home for the summer. Petunia's sorry she couldn't be here..."
Yeah, right, Lily thought, regarding what her mother had said about Petunia.
Severus's mouth quirked on one side a little as he watched the over-affectionate mother smothering her beloved daughter. He exchanged an amused glance with Mr. Evans, who greeted Severus and shook his hand.
"I trust the both of you had a safe journey, Severus?" Mr. Evans posed.
"Yes, sir, it was fine," Severus replied, still distracted by the scene going between Mrs. Evans and her daughter.
When Mrs. Evans heard Severus speaking, her tight grip on Lily loosened, and before Lily could take a breath and say anything, she watched in mild horror as her mother proceeded to latch onto Severus and embrace him.
"Oh, Severus," Mrs. Evans tittered. "It's so good to see you. How are you holding up, dear boy?" The woman kept prattling on and on for what felt like far too long, and Severus only awkwardly returned the hug when he realized she wasn't letting go anytime soon.
"I, uh..." Severus said, dazed and embarrassed. Once he was free of Mrs. Evans's vice grip, he quickly scurried to Lily's side and grabbed the bags.
Lily giggled, casting an apologetic look in Severus's direction. They headed for the car and loaded everything in, and the long journey home began. If it wasn't for Lily's parents in the front seat, Severus wouldn't have had any qualms about Lily resting her head on his chest like on the train, but they didn't have the luxury of having that same privacy any longer.
As they neared their neighborhood, Mr. Evans asked, "Severus, do you want us to drop you off at home, or did you want to come over first for dinner? You're welcome either way."
Shrugging, Severus said to Lily, "What do you think?"
"Come to dinner first, Sev," she said, convincing him immediately.
"There's your answer," Severus told Lily's father.
Content with his decision, Severus joined the Evanses for dinner. Just like at Christmas, Petunia talked hardly at all and wouldn't even so much as look at Lily. Lily tried not to let her sister's cold indifference get to her, but that was proving difficult. After the meal was finished, Lily watched as Petunia hurried away from the table and up the stairs.
"Nice seeing you, too, Petunia!" Lily called sarcastically after her.
"Petunia, darling, won't you stay and have dessert?" Mrs. Evans asked loudly.
There was no reply but the sound of footsteps up the stairs. Sighing, Mrs. Evans remarked, "I don't understand why she's been so distant."
"Even when I'm not around?" Lily questioned, her brow creased with concern.
"Don't worry about it, Lily," her mother said kindly, clearing the table. "You two just enjoy yourselves."
Lily, however, wasn't satisfied. Dessert was a subdued affair, and afterward, Lily and Severus were standing on the front porch in their usual spot. It was a beautiful summer evening: a clear sky and a light, mild breeze. Lily reached for Severus's hands, and he held hers deftly, gazing down into her eyes.
"Lily?" he asked softly.
"Maybe I'm just being overly sensitive and stupid," Lily muttered, "but Petunia... Sev, she's my sister, and she won't even talk to me." Her voice wavered a little, and Severus watched as her lip trembled.
He drew her close and wrapped her in his arms. "It's not your fault, Lily," he murmured into her hair. "If she can't accept what and who you are, that's her problem."
"But she makes it my problem," Lily said, unconvinced. "She makes it feel like I have to choose, Sev... you or her. It shouldn't have to be this way."
Severus swallowed down the guiltly feeling in his throat. He clearly recalled how nasty he had been toward Petunia on several occasions when he had been younger, even as a child. Of course, Petunia had been just as mean back, but did that justify anything? The selfish part of him wanted to tell Lily that he was glad she had chosen him... and not just him over Petunia, but him over Potter.
Now that Lily was his, though, he felt it harder and harder to be possessive. Something inside him had shifted, and Severus could only suppose it was the effect of true reciprocated love. He wanted Lily to be happy, and if she was worried about her sister hating her, he found that angered him, too.
"How could she not like you, Lily?" Severus asked gently. "I'm not an experienced person when it comes to normal families, but she is your sister. You could still talk to her... She's not going anywhere."
Lily exhaled deeply. "Maybe, but maybe not. I don't know if I even want to bother, Sev..."
"Think about it, then," he said in what he hoped was a reassuring voice.
"All right," Lily gave in. "Whatever happens with this whole Petunia thing, I know you'll be there for me, Sev. At least I know I have you."
"You have me," Severus murmured, his hands stroking small circles in her back.
When they finally withdrew, Severus kissed her and bade her good night. The sun was just beginning to set, and he was feeling the exhaustion from the day's travels setting in, despite the sleep he'd gotten on the train.
Severus headed in the direction of his home on Spinner's End. When he reached the old playground where he had first met Lily, he stopped and reminisced. He could almost see his younger self hiding behind the bushes, all dirty and sweaty in his awkward clothes, watching with hungry desperation a lovely girl with flaming red hair that glistened in the sunlight. He could almost hear Lily's melodic laughter echoing off the surrounding canopy of trees. So many memories, both fond ones and sad ones.
Severus's eyes drifted from the swingset to the bench where his father would lay, and he remembered the shivering form of a pathetic and lost man last Christmas Eve. Where was his father living now? Severus scowled, wondering why he suddenly cared. Had Lily's loving parents and her sadness over a broken relationship with her sister touched home, made him think about his family?
Severus turned from the playground and began his trek home once again. When he was only a couple of houses away, however, he stopped. It seemed thoughts of his father had brought the man to him.
"Severus," Tobias said, truly surprised to see his son standing there. "I wondered if you might return home soon. You always came back at the end of June each year..."
"Father," Severus stated evenly, not sure what emotion he felt.
"I'm sorry... but I wanted to see you again. I still can't find home, but I know it's somewhere around here." Tobias was speaking without a slur, and he appeared clean.
"I see you're not drinking," Severus observed, impressed despite himself.
"Yes," Tobias replied hastily. "Look, Severus, what I said all those months ago was true. I hope your offer still stands - that you'll talk to me if I'm sober."
The bag Severus was holding was getting heavy, so he set it down. It was nearly dark by now, and he wondered if they would be disturbing the neighbors. Against his better judgment perhaps, Severus said, "Come with me."
Tobias didn't say anything, but only quietly followed his son a couple of houses. Severus paused and brought out his wand, murmuring strange words to Tobias's Muggle ears. In front of the older man's eyes, a house appeared.
"How- ?"
"Never mind that," Severus said shortly. "It's starting to cool down. Come in if you're so intent on talking with me, Father."
Tobias followed Severus up the path to the front door, and they entered. When his father's hand went for the light switch, Severus muttered, "Don't bother. The electricity isn't working anymore."
He kept his wand tip lit and went into the sitting room, where he pointed it at the grate, saying, "Incendio!"
Tobias jumped back in surprise. "Bloody hell!" he exclaimed. "I'd forgotten what you magical folk could do." Eyeing Severus's wand warily, he added, "You're not going to, uh... do anything to me, are you?"
Sighing exasperatedly, Severus sat down in the armchair. "No, Father." He motioned for Tobias to sit on the couch. After the other man did so, Severus questioned, "So, what did you wish to say?"
Tobias nervously fidgeted with his fingers. Finally, he uttered, "That I'm sorry, Severus. I wanted to... I'm sorry about, about-" Tobias's voice trembled, and Severus heard his father choke back a sob.
Clearly uncomfortable, Severus allowed the man time to compose himself. The old Severus would have lost his temper at the first sign of weakness from the other man, but Severus was simply uneasy around his father now. He could place two ruined lifetimes of blame on the man who he called father if he wanted, but the thing was, he didn't want to do that.
Severus stood and left the room and returned with a glass of water, forcing it into Tobias's hands. Toabias took it graciously, his hands nervously fumbling to hold it, but he didn't drop it. He took a gulp of water and placed the glass on the table in front of him.
"I'm sorry," he said pitifully, embarrassed for crying.
"I know you are," Severus said carefully. "I believe your remorse is real, Father, but you have to understand that we're talking about years here. I can't just forget all that."
"I don't expect you to," Tobias replied.
"Then what do you want from me?" Severus asked.
"Your forgiveness."
Those two words were stated so plainly. Tobias's face was streaked with recent tears, and his voice was raw. Severus looked at him for a moment, then looked away. His father's face resembled his. It was too much like gazing in a mirror, his own reflection asking if he could forgive himself.
When Severus didn't say anything, Tobias heaved a great sigh. He made to stand, but Severus was quicker and stopped him.
"You don't have to go," Severus said softly, his eyes fixed on the floor.
"Then what am I to make of your silence, Severus?" Tobias asked despondently.
"It's... complicated, Dad."
Tobias felt his heart stop for a fleeting second. "You just... called me 'Dad.'"
The words had escaped Severus's mouth before he realized what he had said. "So it would seem," he replied. "It's just this, Father..." he said, making sure to use the formal address. "...forgiveness doesn't come easy. It will... take some time."
Tobias moved his lips like he was going to say something, but then he nodded. "I should be going," he stated, heading for the door. "This is your home now, not mine."
Severus just nodded and walked his father to the door. "I'll be seeing you around, then?" Severus asked, giving Tobias reason to hope.
A small smile tugged at Tobias's mouth as he stepped out the door. Just before closing the unwarded door, Severus heard two words stated so plainly:
"Thank you."
