Mick paled as the thing that haunted her the most left the lips of the man she loved.
"What happened during the time you were captured?"
The words, while spoken in a gentle tone, were probing and desperate. She couldn't help the whirlwind of memories that flashed through her brain. The evidence of it must have shone in her eyes because strong warm arms reached for her soundlessly in that dark room. She hesitated, looking to his face, what she saw was something she had tried so hard to ignore. Pain. This man was in pain, not physical pain, the emotional pain that makes your mind fog up and your body tense. The kind that puts you on edge and makes the world seem dark and melonchaly.
Mick couldnt find the words to turn down his question. Though she knew that if she did the pain he was enduring would only grow stronger. But if she did tell him what happened in that horrible room she knew it would break him. Because it had broken her.
It was a loose-loose situtaion, the kind that would end horribly either way. This man before her was cracked at the seems, whether he tried to hide it or not, that nightmare had proven it to her.
Kash was just as broken as she was.
Swallowing the lump that wedged in her throat she spoke, trying hard to keep her voice even and indifferent but it came out torn and soft.
"There are somethings better left in darkness."
"Let me be the light in that darkness, Mick."
A soft grin crossed her features at the cheesey comment. Mick couldnt help a laugh from bubbling softly to her lips. It sounded detached, even to her ears, causing him to lean forward to grasp her hands. Moonlight filtered through the window behind her to light his face. Her eyebrows furrowed.
Kash looked tired, not exhausted but mental tired, the sight of him like that was enough to make her eyes burn with the beginning of tears. He had dark bags under his eyes, his face now uncovered by the mask was pale and looked thin. Mick felt sick, she had known he was falling apart, but selfishly she had ignored it to wallow in her own grief.
Mick had to look away. Kash wasnt a selfish man, possesive and down right snarky, but bever selfish. He put others before himself, tried to fix people that were broken, and would down right kill for those he loved. He put everything on the line for those precious to him, even his life. But here she was being selfish with the man who would gladly take all the pain she endured if it would make her happy.
Why had she allowed him to put all the weight of the world on his shoulders?
"I love you Mick"
His voice ringing in her head as she stared at her fingers refusing to look at him.
"I love you Mick"
Why love her!? She was a coward and hid behind her shell. Allowed him to take on the responsibility of what happened to her.
"I love you Mick"
Stop! Dont love me, damnit! Why?! You cant!
"I love you Mick"
Dont! Dont put some much faith in me! I dont deserve your love. I let you take the blame for me getting kidnapped!
"I love you Mick"
I- I let you believe it was all on you. I let you think that it was your fault. Because it was easier to allow you to take that blame. Easier for you to take the burden.
"I love you Mick"
I...I wanted you to feel that pain...To experience what it felt like. To let you carry my sins and pain...Dont love me...
"I love y-"
"Dont love me damnit!"
Mick snarled as she slammed her balled up fists on the bed by her sides, tears pouring down her face. Kash flinched back, eyes wide in shock. Her eyes were slammed shut and her teeth bared as sobs cut from her throat.
"I hate myself."
He wanted to reach for her, hold her and tell it was going to be ok. But he refrained, now wasnt the time for sweet words, she needed to get this out.
"I was fucking useless! They ripped me away from you and i was powerless to help as they beat you!"
She gripped the comforter tightly as tears dropped into her lap.
"They broke me, damnit! They turned me inside out only to stitch me up again!"
Kash felt his heart break as a sob shuddered through her body, visibly shaking in his bed while trying hard not to let out the sorrow in her chest.
"They beat me and drugged me and beat me until i couldnt process that they fixed me up again! Just to beat me and break me more!"
"He was always there! That fucking ginger bastard! Watching me! Waiting for me to wither away!"
The purple eyes flashed hasily in her mind causing her eyes to snap open and grip at her chest as a scream cut through the silence of the night. A cold feeling for self disgust and self hatred ripped through her body as she continued to scream with all she had left in her lungs.
Kash pulled her into his lap and hugged her to his chest. Her muffled scream cracking from the force of shoving it from her throat.
It wasnt a horror film scream, not the blood-cruddling kind that made the hair on the nape of your neck stand up. It was a frustrated anguished scream. The kind that comes from the soul. A broken heavy hearted scream from your gut that was a last result, the kind that happens when there's no words to describe or say to make you feel better.
A scream that lets someone know youre tired and broken.
Mick sucked in a ragged breath, hiccuping from the lack of oxygen that she dispelled. Panting and crying into his chest to muffle her sobs and hide her tears.
Kash simply rubbed her back with his hand, the other smoothing her ruffled hair. He murmured soft cooes for her to breath and that he was here for her. He had to be that decon of strength for her, like he always had been, she needed him to be strong for her.
But in all actuality he was crying silently with her, his hands shaking and his soft whispered voice wavering. She knew he was bluffing, pretending to be strong for her, but right now she needed him to let loose too. For him to finally let go of the pain from his past.
"What happened with Sukumo?"
Kash tensed immediately, his hands frozen in place, it was a low blow for her to say him by name. But it was the only way to get through to him.
Raising her head to look him in the eye with blurry tear stained face. He met her gaze with harden eyes but also a sliver of fear.
"What?"
He asked stupidly, acting as if he hadnt heard her correctly. Mick sat up, still sitting in his lap clutching his shirt. Afriad if she let go hed bolt.
"Tell me about Sukumo, Kash."
His eyes pinmed her down, blazing at the way she demanded the one thing he refused to share with anyone.
"Dont."
His warning was clear, 'Leave it alone', but she refused to heed his warning. If she was honest with herself she would see it was for Kash's sake that she was doing this, she wanted him to get mad, wanted him to lash out.
"What happened to him? Whyd he do it?"
Kash grabbed her wrists, prying to pry off her hands still grabbing his shirt, she was relentless.
"What made him do it? Why Kash?"
He squeezed her wrists with enough force to make her wince, he didnt want to hurt her, but damnit she wouldnt stop!
"Shut up!"
Mick yanked him closer as she stood to her knees, he pulled his face away with a dark scowl, she yanked him again.
"What made him give up? Whyd he leave you all alone?"
Kash felt himself snap, he whipped his head dowm to stared at her with shocked and angry eyes, she had hit the nail on the head.
"Shut the fuck up, Mick!"
He slammed her to the matress by her shoulders, fingers digging into her skin roughly, his face inches from hers as he spat down at her.
"He left me all alone to face the shame he created! Your father demoted him when he chose to save them rather than go on with the mission! He was shunned and looked down upon and lost his ranking as an officer! Even the men he saved turned on him like a pack of rabid animals! Your father allowed everyone to treat mine like dog shit! My father saw no way out so he cowardly took his own life and left his 10 year old to pick up the pieces!"
Kash slammed her down again when she tried to sit up, her teeth clacked and eyes widened, the venom in his voice was enough to make her skin crawl.
"He shot himself in the head in the living room before i got home from Kendo practice! I found my father in a pool of blood! Hell he didnt even leave a suicide note! So i dont know why he thought that was the only way out! I dont know why he left me all alone!"
He was panting over her, eyes dark and grip still tight on her shoulders. Heat from his grip let her know shed have some bruises.
"Oh Kash.."
Thats all she wanted, for him to finally let it out, she could see the weight lifted off his shoulders. His eyes didnt seem as burdened anymore.
She slipped her hands to cup his face, his tears dripping off his nose onto her lips. Eyebrows furrowed and eyes lidded, he looked like a scared and confused little boy again. Mick pulled herself up slightly to kiss his forehead then his eyes, causing them to shut as silent tears flitted down his face, she kissed softly the corners of his mouth. Pulling back she whispered softly while wiping the tears from under his eyes with her thumbs.
"I love you, Kash."
His eyes opened, blue meeting charcoal, she swept away a stray tear with a thumb while smiling softly up at him.
Their eyes slowly went to the others lips. An unspoken agreement passed between. Kash leaned down, his lips barely brushing hers, his eyes seeming to ask,
'Can i?'
Her heart skipped a beat as she closed the distance, her soft lips touching his. Kash realsed her shoulders to cup her face, the blood pounded back into her vains from being held so long made a tingling sensation rush through her body. A gasp filling his ear as he trailed light kisses across her jaw bone. Small hands slid from his face to his hair, tangling lithe fingers in the wirey but soft locks.
Mick kissed the side of head as he nuzzled into where her neck met her shoulders. Ragged breathing filled the room from where both lay holding eachother on the bed.
The peace they felt was light-headed bliss. Kash had finally allowed her in, and she had finally let go of her pain to have him be in her heart again. Neither one had fully let go before, deciding it would be too much for the other to handle. The guilt, pain and heart ache was still there but now they had eachother to lean on.
Kash had opened up, talking about his father and the pain of it all, hed allowed himself to give Mick part of his struggle. Something he wasnt sure he couldve done until now. He always held others at an arms reach. Always close enough to love them but far enough away that he could turn away if he needed to.
Mick had put up a wall around her, refusing anyone who tried to get in, sealed up the door so even she couldn't get out. But Kash had made his own door, carefully pulling brick by brick until he could get in. He let in the light with him, that arm he always held out was now reaching out for her to take his hand. And she did.
There would still be troubles and struggles to come, they both knew it, but now theyd face it together. Hand in hand. The dark wasnt so dark anymore. The pain was as crippling as before.
They were partners. Battle buddies that would watch the others back. And now they were united in a common goal.
Mend whats broken, Break those chains and love through all the Hell that was headed thier way.
