Daryl had already stopped to count the days, since he had kissed or at least touched Beth softly the last time. It had been around sixteen days, when Merle and he were standing in front of the prison and Tyresse come over to them to ask for some help by the fences.
The two Dixon brothers just started to follow Tyresse, when he said over his shoulder "I think two more hands are enough. I bet you have other things to do Daryl." Reluctantly Merle followed the man to the fences, while Daryl stayed still, thinking about if it was possible, that Tyresse knew about Beth's and his secret, because about the way he had said it.
After moments and after desided, that it was impossible for Tyresse to know it, Daryl's brain finally began to work again, when he got it that he had some time right now, some time for Beth. Quickly he looked around himself and it didn't take long, till his searching eyes found her standing with an already bright smile on her lips next to an old tree.
And Daryl just couldn't act any other, than to smile happily back at her, when Beth moved her head almost unnoticeable into the direction of the prison. Slowly she started to walk and minutes later, Daryl followed her unssen into the part of the prison, where their secret meeting place was.
He almost frightened, when he entered the dark corridor and Beth sprang out of nowhere and directls into his arms. Heated their lips crashed together and without even waiting one more second their tongues started to dance together. "I have missed you Mr. Dixon." Beth whispered between hot open mouthed kisses.
"I have also missed you girl." Daryl answered, before Beth got on her feet again and hand in hand they were almost running through the corridors to their destination, stopping every few steps to cover to kiss excited again. One time Daryl even pressed her against the cold wall, making her moan maybe a little too loud, while Beth could already feel his stone hard erection through his pants.
Somehow they finally managed to enter their secret meeting room and within seconds their clothes were gone and Beth's legs were wrapped tight around Daryl's hips. They both didn't last long, but it was okay. They had both just needed it very bad and Merle was probably already waiting for Daryl again.
"So how long do you want to keep on your stupid game?" Merle asked his little brother, while the two of them were sitting on the guard tower for their night shift. "What game?" Daryl asked back, like he didn't know about his brother was talking about. But he exactly knew, he knew it since the second he had seen Merle for the first time again. That he didn't want to stay here and that he will only go with him together.
"C'mon man, I mean the fucking game you play with being a leader." Merle said annoyed, while he lightened up another cigarette. He even sounded a little jealous. "That's not a game Merle. You know that." Daryl answered, trying to bring his brother to understand the situation, but of course he didn't.
"Maybe you can tell this your stupid friend the sheriff or all the other, but I know who you really are little brother." Somehow it made Daryl sad, that his brother still only knew the old, careless, loud Daryl and not the new, better one.
"You don't know shit Merle." Daryl muttered back, being tired about this kind of conversation. "Oh you have no idea how damn good I know you little brother. I bet you haven't told your new best friend Rick or anyone of the other, that we wanted to rob out that camp back in Atlanta."
Daryl's movements frozen then, of course he hadn't told Rick, the other or God forbid Beth about this. He wanted a new start after everything and he was so damn ashamed about what he had done and wanted to do, after he had agreed Merle to help him back then.
After his brother was gone, Daryl was alone and he just couldn't deal with that back when the apocalypse had just started. He couldn't be alone, so he had to keep up with them and followed their instructions as good as possible.
"Don't matter. It didn't happen." Daryl finally said, still imagine Beth's shocked expression, if she would ever get to know it. "Yeah, because I wasn't there to help you little brother. But I get it, you had to survive, because you were on your own, alone, without me. Even when it still makes me disappointed, because I haven't taught you that way. But however, now I'm back and we can end our plan." Merle told Daryl with his usual big smirk on his lips.
"What do you mean with that? What do you want to do? Rob out the whole prison? That's your big plan?" Daryl said scornfully, Merle just couldn't mean that serious. "No, you have already destroyed our chance to get everything they have, but like you have already said, you are the leader and I bet we won't get caught, if you will take away some of their stocks with every day, till we have enough to survive."
Getting already damn angry, Daryl said between clenched teeth "We won't do that man. We sure as hell won't take the stock away from them. Their stocks. I swear I will kill you if you just try it to take away one cane."
"That's exactly what I mean little brother. You are soft, you got so damn soft. Before you would have done it without even thinking about it and now you are weak, like everyone inside here." Merle determined, which made Daryl even more angry.
"They have a baby. Old people, helpless children." Daryl answered with narrowed eyes, not believing that his brother was that heartless. "I didn't know you have a soft spot for kids and old people now little brother."
Annoyed Daryl breathed out loudly, rubbing his tired eyes with his fingers. "What do you want from me Merle?" Placing his elbows on his knees and leaning forward to him, Merle answered with a strong voice "I want you to leave this place with me together. As soon as possible. I can't hear their rules anymore, can't do these works the whole days long and I can't see their stupid faces anymore." While rolling his eyes, Daryl's last hope, that maybe he was just imagine it, that Merle really didn't want to be here, was gone, because now he knew it for sure.
"Why? I mean we have everything we need inside here. Food, water, medicine, showers. And we are safe, can sleep in our own beds with closed eyes, not having the fear that something will spring out from behind the next tree and will attack us, while we are sleeping." Daryl tried to explain his brother, but he just shook incomprehensible his head.
"It's even simple little brother. Because we don't fit inside here. We both don't. You are nothing for them, just some stupid redneck who makes the dirty work they don't want to do. You are nothing than a freak to them, I can see it in their eyes, the way they look at you. I bet if they could choose between a warm meal and your life, they would take the meal without even thinking about it. And you still ask yourself why we don't fit inside her little brother. We are so different, this just can't work. We have to leave this place, together."
With an opened mouth and shocked eyes Daryl's was looking up at his older brother. No, that wasn't true. His friends, his new family, the people he trusted weren't thinking about him that way. But what meant Merle with the way they were looking at him?
And Beth, she definitely wasn't thinking that he was useless or just some stupid redneck, or? She was one of the first ones, who had trusted him completely. She was always kind and respected him, even back at the farm.
Sure, first Daryl had his problems with integrate himself in the group, to find his place, but he had made it. And everything was alright, till Merle had got here and now Daryl should leave this all here he had built up, made for so long again? He never had a home in his life before and Daryl also had never believed, that it needed a apocalypse and a damn prison to feel comfortable enough to call it home.
Even when he tried to not think about Merle's words, they still didn't leave his mind. First he was thinking about it, while he was laying in bed and tried to fall asleep. Then he sometimes dreamed, that they all kicked him out of the prison, because they didn't need Daryl's help any more. He was useless, like Merle had told him. Rick, Glenn, Carol and Carl were calling him redneck trash, but at least Beth was never in his dreams so far.
And finally Merle's words were just always running through his head, didn't matter where he was or what he was doing. At the beginning his thoughts got silent like always, when he was with Beth together. But because they couldn't see each other that often and long any more, Daryl also finally couldn't suppress it when they were intimate any more.
They think you are useless. You are nothing. Stupid, dirty redneck. Nothing than a freak. The way they look at you. I can see it in their eyes, what they are thinking about you. You are worthless for them. You are different. We don't fit inside her. Redneck trash. We have to leave.
Of course Beth got it that something was wrong. Daryl didn't stay concentrate or at least enjoyed their time together. But he always secured her, that everything was alright and there was nothing. That he was just tired and exhausted, which wasn't that false, because he really was. Because his thoughts didn't let him sleep anymore and caused him to get crazy.
It was making him almost insane, because even when Daryl didn't want to believe his brother first, he still slowly began to understand what Merle meant and the worst of all, that it was true. Maybe also because Merle repeated them every night by their shift. Over and over again. It was almost like a brainwashing.
Daryl just couldn't concentrate on his work as a leader so good any more. He was so damn unsure again, didn't know how to handle even the easiest decisions right and he was also afraid about asking Rick, Hershel or Beth for their help. And he always felt so damn tired, exhausting and clueless.
Daryl couldn't look at his friends and family any more, without hearing his brother's words, that he was nothing for them. That they wouldn't even notice it, if he would just leave. Daryl also tried to distance himself as good as possible from them. And even also from Beth.
Not because he didn't want her any more, didn't want to see the beauty or hear her voice any more, no. Because he finally got it, that he really wasn't good for her. Of course, Daryl had already known that before, but he had never wanted to admit it and now he couldn't go back any more.
Everytime she was close to him the thoughts inside his head got louder and louder. Almost screamed at him that he was a pervert, an old redneck, having his dirty hands all over her perfect, innocent body. Daryl always had to leave quickly, after they were finished, because otherwise his head would have explore.
Daryl didn't want to hurt her, nether physically nor psychologically. Sometimes it was like he had forgotten how to talk to Beth, when it was one of the rare times, when she got next to his side and just wanted to talk with him a little. Either Daryl just wasn't talking with her at all or he quickly left the room the second he saw Beth coming into his direction.
They have also completely stopped to meet. First Daryl hadn't the words to tell her so, because he was never able to say no to her, so he just tried to make it as quick as possible, before he left her instantly after.
Beth and Daryl had also stopped kissing, while having sex and he also didn't take off his shirt like he got used to. In the end he didn't even help Beth to get back into her clothes any more, he just left her standing behind. He didn't whisper heated words inside her ear any more, also his hands tried to touch as less skin as possible and he wasn't calling her baby girl or sweetheart any more.
Five days ago, Beth had placed a little sheet inside his hand, while they were standing in the line for getting their dinner. When no one was looking Daryl opened the piece of paper, while he was already sitting alone by the table in the corner, and his belly began to knot, when he read in Beth's beautiful handwriting 'tonight?'.
Beth was already looking at him with a smile in her face, when Daryl lifted his head. Trying to look like this didn't bother him, he shook his head almost unnoticeable, before he crumpled up and started to eat his soup. After minutes Daryl couldn't suppress the need any more, to look at Beth for just one quick second.
Sad, confused, embarrassed and also worried she was watching upsently the spoon in her hand moving through the soup and it broke Daryl's heart. He knew he had hurt her, but he just had to do this to save her. He had finally got it, that Merle was right. That they just didn't fit inside here, and that it was damn wrong, that he had started this all with Beth.
Daryl just wanted her to get used to that he will leave soon or later. He didn't want to make it that bad for her or at least less difficult and easier. Even when it was breaking his heart and hers obviously too. But he had to do this, to safe Beth, for her own good.
Three days later, Daryl was just on the way to his cell, when he could already hear Beth singing on the very beging of the corridor. Without even looking or giving her any attention, he went by her cell to get as quickly as possible to his. Exhausted he let himself fall on top of the mattress of his bed, praying to God or whover was listening to let him sleep well for at least three hours tonight.
While Daryl tried to fall asleep, his eyes already closed, Beth was still singing a good night song for Judith. The three of them were the only ones in the C-block right now. Everyone other was still by dinner.
Daryl tried, he gave his best to fall asleep, but he just couldn't. Before he had always, really always loved it to hear Beth singing, her beautiful angel voice, but tonight he just couldn't stand it.
He already pressed the pillow against his ears since minutes, but it didn't work and her singing made him even more angry, annoyed and edgy than he already was. And then Daryl couldn't remembere any more, what had happened to him, when he suddenly sprang to his feet, rushed outside his room and into the direction of Beth's cell.
She frightened badly, when he suddenly stood in front of her and yelled down at the baby in her arms and her "Can you stop your stupid songs and crying singing voice for just one hour! People, who have worked the whole day long want to sleep, if you still haven't noticed that! Damn it all!"
As quickly as Daryl had got into her cell as quickly he left again. Leaving a shocked, confused and also hurt Beth behind and in her arm a now screaming and crying little Judith. It really wasn't his attention to make Beth feel this way. It really wasn't what she was and meant to him.
He adored her and her beautiful singing voice, the way she was and he had never ever wanted to be this way to her. And also not to little bug. Daryl didn't know what was wrong with him, why he did the things he had done and when he finally entered his destination, the guard tower, he finally got it why he was this way right now.
Because Merle was right. He was only some old, dirty redneck trash. Not being able to control himself, fit inside their all lives here or being just nice. Daryl didn't even want to imagine Beth's face right now. Maybe next to being damn hurt and broken, she will also have tears glistening in her eyes. He was a monster.
That night Daryl had the worst nightmare ever. This time he wasn't dreaming about his friends and family. It was only and just about Beth. She was so damn disappointed about him. Was boxing angrily against his chest, while she screamed and tears were rushing down her cheeks.
She got to know all the things he had done, when he was younger, all the stupid things. That Merle and he wanted to rob out the camp and also the prison. And the worst of all Beth knew it what he had done to her mother and brother.
She was screaming at him, that he had killed half of her family, also almost her father. She had trusted him her life and he just used her. Beth was yelling at him with tears in her eyes, she was so damn disappointed, disguested and even hated him.
In his dream Daryl wanted to explain everything to her, wanted to calm her down, wanted to tell her how damn sorry he was and that he wanted to beg her to forgive him, but his mouth stayed close. Didn't matter how much he tried it, he wouldn't find the right words. Daryl wanted to take Beth in his arms, he wanted to cry by her shoulder, tell her how damn sorry he was and he just wanted to hear her say that everything will be good again.
But she didn't, she just kept on screaming at him about the terrible things he had done to her. Finally Beth looked him dead in the eyes and before she turned around and ran away from his reach, she said that he should leave this place here right now, she didn't want him any more, she didn't even want to see him any more.
His dream suddenly began to get blury and in the very next second he was in the middle of a different fight between Beth and himself. She was screaming at him again, but this time Daryl also yelled back. As loud and strong as he had never heard himself before.
And then he did something he had never ever wanted to do to her, it was the last thing he had ever wanted. It was unforgiveable. He hurt her and not even psychologically. Daryl shook her shoulders, held her arms very tight and finally he slapped her hard in the face.
The second his palm had touched her cheek, Daryl's eyes snapped open from his terrible nightmare. His body was bathed in sweat, trembled everywhere and everything was blurred, because of the tears swimming in his eyes.
He was feeling damn ill, even thinking about if he should best get outside and vomit, but finally he decided against it. And the worst of all, Daryl knew that right now it was just a dream, but one day, maybe even soon, this could become the reality.
With his head in his hands Daryl tried to process the pictures from his nightmare in front of his inner eyes and finally he decided, that Beth would react exactly like that, if she would ever got to know what he had done.
He should have never done this with her, so she wouldn't get hurt that much now. Daryl should have also told her about what he had done already the very first day. Beth had the right to know and he just didn't let her, because he was so damn afraid.
And the expression from Beth, after he had hurt her, in his dreams were already enough for him. He never ever wanted to see or do that in real life. He had to protect her from his own hands. He was dangerous and uncontroled.
He wasn't good for her, not good enough. Not for Beth and not for the people he called his family and friends. They all didn't need him, Beth was strong enough. She could take care of herself, she didn't need his protection any more or with better words she had never needed it. If Daryl would leave, everything would be good for her again.
The whole day long he couldn't think about anything other than this stupid nightmare. Beth's sad, disappointed expression always in front of his inner eye. Her screams and prayers, when he hurt her. He just couldn't look her in the eyes any more. Daryl tried to hide himself the whole day long from her and everyone.
He thought the whole day about it and even when it made him damn sad and best he wanted to start crying, Daryl knew that it was the best decision, the best for her. It was by their night shift, when he said to Merle, before he could even start with his daily lecture.
"Good. Let's go away from here. Let us leave this place." His older brother was just smiling that damn big smile at him and tapped glad against his shoulder, even when Daryl was close to tears.
