Next late afternoon by their weekly meeting, Daryl let the other know Merle's and his plan to go on a run together tomorrow. He explained they wanted to look for more weapons and stocks. No one said anything against it. Of course they didn't, because they all didn't know what was the real reason for their run.
Even when they all didn't know it, it was still a damn uncomfortable situation for Daryl. Being so close to the people he had trusted for so long and Beth standing in the corner watching him the whole time close, didn't make it any easier for him. Best he wanted to run away as fast as possible after he had said Merle's and his plans for tomorrow, but he had to stay till the meeting will be over.
But the second everyone started to stand up, Daryl got out of the room with fast steps and a racing heart. He had thought that after saying it out loud, he would feel better. Because there wouldn't be a way back any more then, but he wasn't feeling any better. In contrast, even worse, a little ill and so desperatelly. Daryl also got the feeling that it was because of it being decided. Because there was no way out any more. He will leave the prison, his home, his friends, his family and the worst of all, he will lose Beth.
But blood was thicker, right? Daryl had waited so long for his brother to come back. Finally he had even stopped to believe that he will ever see him again, but here he was now and he just couldn't let him go away all alone. He was the last member of his real family and he sure as hell won't lose him again. How it was going to be was the best for all, especially for Beth. But even when Daryl knew that, it still didn't change his sickness.
Because he needed some minutes on his own and also some fresh air, he got on the rooftop he was with Beth together already so often. He thought it would make him feel better, that the knot in his belly will get loosen and the weight on his shoulders will get lighter, but it made everything just even worse.
Everything on top of the roof remembered Daryl about Beth. The old, fallen branch, where they were sitting on top of at that one night, when she had climbed on his lab and they had kissed slowly and deep under the moon and stars.
The little stones, which were lying around everywhere and they used to throw at anything and nothing, just into the distance. How often they were sitting on top of the soft moss, their backs leaned against the branch, just watching the last sunbeams of the day. Talking about random things the whole time and Daryl had enjoyed every second of it.
Everything, just everything remembered him about Beth. The flowers, the wind, the sun, the leaves, the trees, the smell of the summer, just everything. He stood in the middle of the rooftop, when he let his head sink desperatelly and sad between his shoulders and pressed his eyes close.
He just got it, that he won't ever be able to see Beth's pretty face again, her sincerely smile, her beautiful eyes, her sweet nose. He won't ever be able to hear her soft voice saying his name, to feel her touches on his skin. Daryl won't ever be able to touch her again. To feel her tender skin under his rough fingertips, to kiss her rosy lips, to call her sweetheart, to have her close. He won't ever find someone like her in his life again. Never.
Yeah, he had finally his brother back, but Merle really couldn't replace Beth. No one will ever be able to do that. Daryl had opened up to her in a way he never had in his life before, to no one and he sure as hell won't ever do that again. She knew almost everything about him, had seen and even touched his scars, something Daryl had never thought he was able allow himself and someone one day.
Daryl won't just leave his home, friends and family behind, he will also lose a part of himself, a part he began to get used to, a part he began to like. He will lose Beth. The only person in his whole life that was able to understand him, didn't condemn him and liked him the way he was. And it was Daryl's and only his own fault, the way things had happened the last time and will happen tomorrow. Because he was too weak and scared to tell Beth the whole truth.
Tears were burning in his eyes, while he tried to catch his breath and heartbeat, when he could suddenly hear light foot steps and finally a familiar voice behind him. "Daryl?" It was her, it was Beth. She had asked so carefully and soft. Shocked Daryl turned around to her, just to see her damn worried expression. The blond, beautiful girl in front of him was the first and also the last person he wanted to see right now.
After clearing his throat and starting to look like her presence didn't bother him, Daryl muttered sharp "What do you want?" For the first few seconds Beth was just looking shocked and confused up at him. He had never spoken that harshly and also not with such an annoyed tone to her before. After she had scrutinized him for a few seconds, Beth finally said "You want to leave, right?"
Damn, Daryl had underrated her. She exactly knew what was going on. He should have known it better, Beth was just too clever to not notice their plans. But still Daryl tried to act like he didn't know what she meant. "Yeah, you have heard it. Merle and I will go on a run tomorrow." Tilting her head, Beth kept on watching him that way, which caused him to shiver badly.
"I didn't mean that Daryl. Of course, I have heard you talking about it. But I know you two don't just go on a run. You will leave and won't ever come back again, right?" It got silent then, they just stared overwhelmed at each other, not knowing what to say or what to do next. They were standing like that almost one long minute, till Beth blinked and her eyes filled slowly with tears.
"Am I right?" She asked with a small voice, obviously afraid about being right. But Daryl was still unable to form the right words, so he just stopped the eye connection between the two of them and instead his eyes stared embarrassed at his shoes. "Daryl, please tell me this isn't the truth." Beth was begging him now and it broke his heart into a million little pieces and to hear her voice to sound that sad and vulnerable didn't make it any better.
Finally Daryl couldn't suppress the need any more to lift his head and look directly into her broken eyes, even when he knew it hurt him as much as it did her. Almost unnoticeable he nodded his head, giving her the silent answer to her question. Daryl had to look away then, because he just couldn't take her sadness right now, while he was also at a very dark place.
"Daryl." Beth whimpered, when she came closer and wanted to place her shaking palm on top of his lower arm. That was the moment when Daryl winced together for the first time ever when Beth touched him. It was instinct, which caused him doing so. Also the need to protect himself, when he said with a loud voice, which made Beth flinch together "What do you want from girl, huh?"
Slowly Daryl could watch how Beth's eyes got dry and instead of her tears, her eyes filled with fire, got dark and narrowed him sharp. Her otherwise so tender lips got into a thin line and her eyebrows began to wrinkle, while the anger made its way through her body, till she had enough and said with the same angry voice like him back "I want you to stop like you don't give a grab about anything. Like nothing we have been trough matters, like none of the people here means anything to you. That's bullshit!"
Daryl had never heard her speaking that way, she had never taken such words into her mouth before. That just wasn't Beth's nature, but he had also never seen her that angry before. Like he had done, Beth got one step closer to him, while she was screaming. It was again instinct that caused Daryl to step a few feet away from her, because Beth was suddenly so close to his body.
With widened eyes she was looking disappointed up at him, which made Daryl even more angry, when he said annoyed "It's that what you think?" After straightening herself, Beth answered secure "That's what I know." An unbelievable laugh left Daryl's lips, because he couldn't believe how damn sure was, but she didn't know anything. So he muttered scornfully "You know nothing."
Unbelieveable Beth was looking up at him, being more shocked about the way he talked to her, than his hurtful words. Her eyes also had this aggrieved way, while she nodded disappointed and her lips got into that thin line again. Daryl just began to believe, that she will probably turn around now and leave him standing like that behind, when suddenly her voice filled the air again "I know the way you have looked at the other the last days or with better words how you haven't given them any attention at all. How you have tried to hide yourself, not being able to look them into the eyes for one more time or just speaking with them."
Feeling caught and also embarrassed, Daryl tried to hide his eyes from her, behind his way too long hair, but that didn't bother Beth to get with her eyes under his skin and also with her words, when she went on "And I know the way who have acted around me the last days. I don't know what I have done to you that you don't want to speak or even look at me any more from one day to the other. If you don't want to meet me anymore then hell just tell me so. You don't have to leave the country, because you don't want it any more. It was part of our promise, to stop it whenever someone wants it. So what's your problem right now? Or maybe you just finally got it that we all mean something to you. But you can't tread us, me like grab after everything because you are afraid."
Daryl finally had enough. Beth was like a mirror to him, everything she said was true, but he was never really able to hear the truth or let himself feel it. Annoyed he got closer to her face with his angry and said between clenched teeth "I'm afraid about nothing."
Knowing it better, Beth was looking incredulous up at Daryl, being not one second afraid about his words, voice or angry mood. Her big eyes almost made him weak and he asked himself why he was even still standing here and fighted with her, it was already done, over. He couldn't change it any more. Merle was waiting for him to leave this place together.
He just wanted to break the eye connection between the two of them and to get away from this situation as fast as possible, when Beth began to speak again, almost calm "I remember, when that little girl came out of the barn.. You have started to care about Sophia, you really wanted to find her. That's why you were so sad and upset, after she came out of there. I know you don't want to admit it, but you have also started to care about the people inside here and maybe also about me. And now you are afraid about losing them too, so you just want to leave. But let me tell you something Daryl. It's way too late for that, because you care about us since a very long time and running away won't change that. And during the way God somehow seems to have forbidden you to let anybody get too close."
Beth was right, so damn right. Of course, she was. She knew him even better than Daryl himself. And exactly that made him so scared, which caused him to get offensive. "Too close, huh? You know all about that! You lost two boyfriends and you didn't even spend one tear. Don't tell me anything about letting people get too close girl!"
Daryl didn't want to be that way to her, but he just couldn't act any other, he simply protected himself from her and the truth in the moment. "Screw you, you don't get." Was all Beth response to his nasty statement. They both knew it wasn't true. Daryl had heard her more than once crying over her lost boyfriends, he had just never told her so. He will definitelly regret his hurtful, stupid statements later, he already knew that right now, but still he couldn't stop himself for being this way to her.
And without even thinking about it, he started to yell at Beth again "No you don't get it, you don't get this damn world girl! I won't ever sing in front of a big group like everything is fun! Like everything is a big game! Like everything is alright! Because I'm not that stupid like you! And I sure as hell won't ever cut my wrists looking for attention!"
He went too far, Daryl got that in the second the last word had left his lips. And he was feeling guilty in the moment he saw Beth's broken expression, because he knew it wasn't the truth. She wasn't looking for any attention back then, just for a way out. Daryl was just saying this all to make room for his anger.
But Beth was strong, she always was and especially in this moment, after Daryl had done so wrong to her. After he had yelled, insulted, assumed and even hurt her, Beth just swallowed hard, blinked the tears in her eyes away and with a strong voice, not like Daryl had expected, she screamed "And what about you? You also don't get it! You have everything right now you ever wanted and suddenly you want to leave this place and all of us here back to follow Merle's stupid comments, like before again."
"Watch your mouth! He is my brother, bitch!" Daryl yelled warning, not having the upper hand over his feelings and words any more. With an opened mouth Beth was looking shocked at him. No one had ever called her like that before and also Daryl shouldn't have said this to her. After everything she had done for him, after everything the two of them had been trough, he called her like that. Something Beth never ever deserved. He was damn shocked about his own words and what he had actually thought to say this out loud.
It needed a few more seconds, till she had processed his words, and Daryl was surprised when her voice sounded calm, even soft, when she said "Do you think I don't know that Daryl? I know Merle is your brother and I know you love him with your whole heart. Even because of that you are doing this all, but he is not good for you. You are a decent man, you have changed into someone better, into someone I was proud of. I know he is your brother Daryl, but you don't have to follow his comments any more, you are strong enough to live without him. You have already managed so the last time, do you have already forgotten that? You were so much better off without him. And if Merle doesn't want to change himself, like you have done already so often for him, also right now, he isn't worth it. You don't need him any more Daryl."
His whole chest cramped by her words, because his heart was finally completelly broken. He was enraptured. Daryl didn't want to lose his brother again, but he also didn't want to leave his new family, friends, this palce and he sure as hell didn't want to lose her, the girl who had made him to a better man. Best he wanted to start crying like a baby, hitting himself against the head like he had done so often when he was a kid or yelling so loud that all the walkers near would be able to hear him, all at the same time.
"You don't know him. And you don't know me." Daryl finally answered her broken, feeling the anger inside himself like seething lava. "You are right, I don't know Merle. But I know you Daryl. I know who you are, how you are thinking, what you want to do. But the man in front of me right now, isn't the Daryl I got to know and started to like and care about."
Beth liked him, she had said it out loud and Daryl instantly knew that his whole tries to not make her sad after his leave, were for nothing, because he knew he will break her heart anyway, he even already had. He will cause some tears from her, tears he was never worth for. Beth will be damn sad and probably she will also get into that shock state again, and then he wouldn't be able to calm her down. Maybe she would try to kill herself again and that all because of him, because of the stupid redneck he was.
Daryl knew he shouldn't be angry at Beth, he should be mad at himself or his brother, but still he started to yell again. He just needed her to understand why he couldn't stay, for her own good. "I just can't stay here, don't you get it girl? It's not about Merle, it's about me! I'm not the one you think I am! I have done things you can't even dream about, you would call them nightmares! I don't fit inside here, I'm just not the type of guy who should be in a community like this! I shouldn't sleep next to someone like you, you know what I'm talking about! I'm a pervert, I should have never even touched you! I'm just a stupid, old red neck, who should live alone somewhere outside and even should get bit to make an end to my useless life!"
Daryl saw how Beth wanted to open her mouth to interrupt him, but he didn't even give her the chance to, because he just had to let everything out right now, before he will change his mind again. Beth had the right to know, she always had. "You want to know who I am?" Daryl had to swallow hard, before he finally went on. "Merle and I have wanted to rob out the camp back in Atlanta. If we would have found your farm before, we would have wanted the same with you and your family. And.." Daryl's voice was just a whimper any more, while some tears in his eyes were already burning badly.
He had hesitated for one second too long, he couldn't look into Beth's shocked face anymore and she tried to reach out for his arms, while she was begging him to stop. "No.." Daryl whimpered helpless, before he turned ashamed around, so he didn't have to face her any more, when he finally said the truth with a shaking voice "And your mother and brother.. It's my fault they are dead. I have killed them."
Slowly Daryl could feel how the sadness, the guilt, the sickness made their way through his whole body. Just imagine Beth's expression right now gave his already broken heart one more sting. Suddenly everything began to move, to spin around himself and got contorted. Maybe because of the tears building up in his eyes or because he was feeling that damn ill.
Daryl's body began to move forward on its own, he was feeling so dizzy, he knew he fell forward, but he never remembered himself hitting the ground, because Beth suddenly wrapped her arms tight around his middle, stopped him from falling completely forward, pulled him close to her body and saved him from falling apart.
Her lovingly, well-meant, heart-warming gesture caused Daryl's lungs searching urgently for air, while his look wandered up to the sky. He had never believed in angels watching down at people, save them from bad things, being kind of guardians and right now he got it that he was right the whole time.
In the sky, over the clouds, angels didn't exist, but the beautiful, lovely, wonderful girl, who was holding him tight and sure as hell won't let go again, was a real angel. She was the only angel in the universe and Daryl was so damn lucky, because Beth was his guardian angel.
He could feel her face pressing against his shoulder blade, while her palms were resting on top his belly with a good pleasure, so he could feel her and just couldn't pull away. Daryl still tried to suppress his tears, even when probably after just one more blink would cause them to break free from the corner of his eyes.
He knew, that Beth was looking at him over his shoulder, she was watching the fight he had with himself, he could feel her eyes on him and when she whispered so soft next to his ear it simply broke him, even when it was just one simply word. "Daryl." It was like the permission he had never asked for, because slowly his head fell forward and maybe it was the gravity or because he was pressing his eyes closed so hard, but finally the tears were streaming down his face like little rivers.
After his first heartbreaking whimper, Beth placed her head right back on his shoulder blade and held him even tighter. Like a little, helpless kid he was feeling at the moment, a feeling he had already so often in his life, but right now he had someone, who was there for him, only for him. Someone, who was holding and cared about him.
Beth was the support Daryl was looking for his whole life long, even when he had never dared to ask for someone like her, and it felt so right when he leaned his back against her body, because he knew she will hold and support him, that she will protect him. Daryl's tears did slowly make their ways down his cheeks, till they fell on the skin of Beth's hands and arms, but she didn't care, she just held him protective close and listened to his heartbreaking sobs.
