Chapter Seventy-Nine
In the weeks following the Order meeting, Severus had much on his weary mind. He began his program at St. Mungo's two weeks after the meeting, which was going to prove to be four years of intensive training. Eight hours every weekday, Severus was at the hospital working with various Healers, although he was given a couple of hours every day to devote to an area of research he deemed necessary, due to his interest and extensive knowledge in Potions.
While he could busy himself with work, when he wasn't with Lily, his mind drifted to thoughts about all those he'd seen that day in the meeting. So many had died, and he wracked his brain, trying to remember circumstances. Many of the victims of the Death Eaters had been blank faces, all looking like the other, but as Severus thought of any battle involving Aurors, he realized he remembered Edgar Bones. It hadn't been so much of a battle as it had been a slaughter. He had purposefully put the man's name out of his mind...
Severus was only a Death Eater for six months. The Christmas holiday was nearly upon the world, and despite the threat of Voldemort, people were still celebrating. This would be the first time he would be going on a "mission" with some of the older Death Eaters, and according to Mulciber, there was no greater honor. Of the new recruits that past summer after their final year at Hogwarts, Severus and Mulciber had been picked to embark on what was to be a progressive and bold step for what Voldemort stood for.
The Bones family, although at one time a pureblood family, had gone soft and started intermingling with Muggles and Mudbloods alike. Severus hadn't known the details at the time of what they were being called to do, so like an inexperienced fool, he followed orders and went with the group of five, including himself, to an undisclosed location somewhere in the countryside.
It was the middle of the night, and Travers and Dolohov, both of whom had complained about what a "pain in the arse" Edgar Bones had become, led Lucius Malfoy, Mulciber, and Severus to a small cottage.
They hid behind some bushes, staking out the scene.
"I can just smell the excitement, can't you, my young friend?" Lucius whispered to Severus.
Although inwardly nervous, Severus nodded, keeping his outward composure calm and collected. If he had learned anything from being in Slytherin, it was how to survive. To be a weakling would set him up to be the victim, and now that Severus no longer had to live under the constant torment of the Marauders and his bloody father, he was going to show the world who he truly was, the strong and powerful wizard he was destined to be.
"Shut it back there," Travers hissed. "Let's move."
Not knowing what to expect, Severus felt his feet carrying him across the dormant grass and toward the house. Travers waved his wand, testing the protection on the house, and laughed humorlessly.
"A bit too sure of himself, the fool. He's made this all too easy," Travers whispered.
The two older wizards quickly and effectively removed the magical wards on the house and kicked in the door. The sound reverberated through the house, and Severus thought Travers an idiot to alert their victims, but laughing malevolently, Travers smiled.
"They won't be going anywhere," Dolohov stated. "The Dark Lord instructed us very carefully. They're trapped and at our mercy. Now spread out and don't spare anyone."
Severus took this as their cue. He figured Travers and Dolohov must have not only removed the wards protecting the house, but they must have replaced them with wards preventing the family from leaving. Severus stood there for a moment, confused, but Lucius yanked him by the arm toward a room on the left.
Severus could already hear the shouts and cries from the family members. In the room next to them, a duel was ensuing. He heard a body fall to the floor, most likely in death.
"Come on, Severus!" Lucius commanded.
Severus watched as his friend raised his wand at a ten-year-old boy who had just woken. The boy's cry for help never left him as a green jet of light from Lucius's wand hit him squarely in the chest. Thankfully, no one else was in that room.
Lucius glared at Severus standing there, dumbstruck. The blonde-haired wizard made to run out of the room, but stopped at the door, barking, "Severus!"
Shaken out of his daze, Severus's eyes snapped away from the lifeless form of the child on his bed, imagining he could have simply been sleeping. Severus retreated into the hallway, and they followed the noises coming from farther down the hall.
Travers and Edgar Bones were in a full-on duel in the hall there. Edgar's face was fierce and lined with tears. Severus easily could imagine why.
While the Auror was a skilled wizard in his own right, he was now sorely outnumbered, and the Death Eaters were closing in on him.
"Well, don't just stand there!" Lucius bellowed at Severus, finally having had enough of his friend's lack of motivation. "Hit him!"
Although Severus was sure this meant employing the Killing Curse, he couldn't bring himself to utter the words. He had never actually killed anyone before. It seemed easy in theory, but when the moment demanded the speaking of two words that would end a life, that was a lot scarier. Hesitating, Severus instead yelled, "Sectumsempra!"
Mulciber laughed cruelly. "Good one, Severus!"
As Mulciber's hand roughly clapped him on the back, Severus's curse slashed Edgar across the chest, knocking him to the floor. The blood was liberally pouring out of him. Edgar gazed up, taken off-guard. His accusatory, desperate eyes turned on Severus as Travers finished him off with a well-aimed Avada Kedavra to the chest.
Severus took a step back, alarmed. Lucius was smiling, exclaiming his congratulations toward Severus for his part in bringing down the Auror.
The older Death Eaters weren't so amused, though.
"Idiot!" Dolohov yelled at Severus. "You should've finished him!"
"Enough!" Travers interjected roughly. "We need to go... NOW!"
With that, the five of them Disapparated, leaving blood and death in their wake.
Horrified at his recollection of that event, Severus dropped to the couch in the sitting room of Spinner's End. His fingers clenched at the sides of his skull in anguish as he pulled at his hair. Squeezing his eyes shut, he fought the guilty tears that threatened to spill over.
Who do I think I am? What the bloody hell am I doing? Who am I kidding?!
Crying out, Severus suddenly stood, dropping his wand to the floor. He began to pace. How was he expecting himself to be able to be all good and noble and be a part of the Order? His other life's choices weighed too heavily, and for a moment, he stopped in his pacing and stared at the mantel of the fireplace, where a framed picture of Lily sat. Going to it, he held it deftly in his hands, his fingers gently caressing the decorative pattern of the frame.
"Lily," he whispered, "I swear it... If it weren't for you, would I have any good in me?"
Severus dropped to the couch once again. For the first time in months, he was doubting his true nature. The rational part of him knew he ought to know better by now, but one couldn't simply erase an existence of terror. Dumbledore had been right. Those old memories would haunt him... were haunting him.
You have to get a hold of yourself, Severus forced himself to think. You haven't wasted the two years of this new life you've been given so far. You'll just have to work all the harder to make up for your past.
Setting his jaw in determination, Severus willed himself to calm down and focus. He had had years of experience in doing just that. He couldn't allow his emotions to demand control now. He made a promise to himself that day to try to save as many people as possible, whether in the war effort or in his career.
x x x x x
While Severus busied himself at St. Mungo's, Lily was still deliberating on what career path to take. She knew she could do anything she liked, and while she technically had until the autumn to decide what program to enter, she felt she should be doing something already, like Severus.
They had both been overachievers in school, so for Lily to be at home when she knew Severus was working and learning was frustrating. While she knew nothing of the deep affliction Severus was experiencing in that very moment, she would rather have been with him than standing in front of a mirror in the bridal shop.
Her mind was anywhere expect on trying to decide if this dress was the right one. Never the type of girl to overly concern herself with what she wore, Lily could have cared less about her wedding dress. Sure, she was excited about the wedding and looking forward to starting a life together with Severus, but she couldn't wrap her mind around the formality of the whole mess.
"Tell me again," Lily stated, wincing as the lady working at the shop grabbed hold of the dress and muttered something about "taking it in," "why are we spending an entire day putting me through this agony?"
"Lily," Petunia admonished, "some brides spend several days pouring over which dress they want to wear, but since you have little over a month until your wedding, you need to make a decision. Really, you should've taken care of this months ago."
Lily sighed, wondering if it was real or imagined that Petunia was clicking her tongue in disapproval.
Just then, Violet returned with five more dresses.
"These are just ravishing, Lily, dear," her mum was saying.
"Ugh, Mum!" Lily exclaimed, throwing her hands up. The lady who was taking her measurements stepped away in alarm, clearly knowing when she was not wanted.
"Is something wrong?" Violet asked kindly.
"It's hot and stuffy in here," Lily said, exasperated. Then, against her conscious decision, Lily's eyes dropped onto her reflection. She stared for a minute at herself.
The dress was... not overstated, but not plain. It had thin straps to hold it in place on the shoulders, and pearls lined the straps and the top of the bodice, which was covered with smaller pearly-type floral patterns. The skirt was A-line and trimmed with the same design along the bottom, and the train was only three feet long. Although she wore no veil yet, Lily could imagine the gentle flow of the lacey whiteness trailing down her back like long, beautiful hair. As for her own hair, it had grown out enough to frame her face in soft, short curls.
Closing her eyes, Lily pictured Severus seeing her walk down the aisle in this dress. She stared ahead, seeing him in a tuxedo and looking absolutely dashing, having eyes only for her, the woman he loved the most in the world.
She opened her eyes again and allowed a sweet smile to relax her face.
"This is the one," Lily said.
"Are you sure?" Petunia asked, sounding doubtful. "It's not as detailed as the one you tried on two dresses ago..."
"I think it's elegant," Violet stated boldly. "You look lovely, darling."
"Thank you, Mum." Lily wished, for once, that Petunia would hold her tongue. Half of her was tempted to snap, "This isn't your wedding, Petunia," but she didn't say anything.
"Fine," Petunia said disdainfully. "If you don't want my opinion-"
"Petunia," Lily sighed, "of course I value your opinion. Do you like this dress well enough?"
"It's pretty enough, but not beautiful," Petunia said offhandedly.
"And do you like your dress?" Lily inquired pointedly, remembering how Petunia had insisted on being able to pick the color and style of her bridesmaid's dress.
"Of course I do," Petunia said indignantly.
"It's settled, then," Violet said calmly. "One day soon, Petunia, when you have your wedding, you'll be able to pick your perfect dress."
Petunia didn't say anything, but from the look on her sister's face, Lily wondered if Petunia was doubting her mum's words.
They paid for the dresses, leaving them at the shop to be tailored and picked up a week later. Once they were back home, Lily sought out Petunia in her bedroom.
"Sirius will be there," Lily stated, leaning against the door.
"So?" Petunia scoffed.
"'So?'" Lily echoed. "I seem to remember you being tickled pink by him a couple of weeks ago. In your dress, you'll knock the socks off him, Tuney."
Petunia blushed. "Do you really think so?" she asked softly.
"I do," Lily said truthfully. "Petunia, if you'd only smile more, you'd see that you're a pretty girl."
"I'm not beautiful like you, Lily," Petunia mumbled. "I never will be."
"Beauty is subjective," Lily reasoned. "You don't like my hair when it's short," she tried to joke.
"It's not so bad now," Petunia replied.
Lily laughed.
x x x x x
Later that day, Lily and Severus were taking a walk through the park. Lily had recounted her day in the bridal shop, but Severus, although he smiled occasionally, seemed subdued. They stumbled upon "their spot." Finding comfortable seats in the grass, they surveyed each other.
"This place never changes," Lily remarked.
"Mmm," Severus murmured. "But we certainly have."
"Not so much," Lily gently disagreed. "You have that same little crease that forms between your eyes when you're worrying or upset about something as you did when you were a kid, Sev."
Severus's hand reached for the spot on his face and felt the telltale crease and sighed.
"What's wrong?" Lily asked, coming closer.
"I was just wondering... Would you still love me if I had chosen differently?" Severus whispered.
"Chosen differently? What do you mean, Severus?"
"If I... If I had continued being friends with Mulciber and Avery and allowed myself to keep being into Dark Magic, and if our friendship hadn't survived-"
Lily silenced him with a finger to his lips. "Severus," she said sternly, "don't even think like that. You were so young, and yes, so you made some bad choices. So? I should think you'd realize by now that everything you've chosen to do since a few bad errors in judgment have more than made up for anything you could have done back then."
"But what if my errors in judgment, as you so benignly call them, had led to something worse?"
"But they didn't," Lily pointed out firmly. "Severus, why are you bringing this up?"
"Sometimes, I think I could have wound up on the other side of this war had I not been careful," Severus croaked.
"Hey, hey, Sev..." Lily said gently, taking him in her arms, concerned for him and determined to find out the deeper meaning behind his words eventually.
Although safe for now in her embrace, Severus felt he should have been the one comforting her. How much longer could Lily be so strong? How much longer could he keep the truth from her? If she knew, would she still feel the same about him?
That thought, which could become a reality, scared Severus more than any memory.
