Chapter Eighty-One
The moment Lily stepped out of Severus's house, she paused and turned, facing the door. The curtains were drawn closed, as usual, so she couldn't see him standing, desolate and alone, in the sitting room, but she knew he was just on the other side of that wall. She placed a hand on the surface of the door and closed her eyes, sighing and feeling fresh tears forcing their way out from under her eyelids.
One knock. One turn of the handle. It was so simple, and yet so difficult. She could return to him in an instant. Instead, Lily withdrew from the house. She didn't want to return home, so she headed for the park where she had played numerous times as a child.
She kept walking, oblivious to everything else, and entered the glade where she and Severus had first gotten to know each other. The tall grass tickled her bare knees she was walked through it, and she reached down, letting her fingers grace the tips of the blades softly. Finding her favorite spot under a large maple, she sat and stared ahead.
She imagined the eccentric little boy in the patched, too-short trousers and overlarge coat sitting across from her. His eyes were excited and lit up as he made big, sweeping gestures with his small hands, explaining in great detail the wizarding world, answering every question of hers with fervor. His face was animated and so alive, and every time she spoke his name, the worry on his young visage would immediately fade, and he would give her one of his glorious smiles. He was an impressive boy, despite his appearance, and she was captured. How could he not be anything but endearing?
But just as soon as Lily remembered the boy Severus had once been, she saw him age drastically, and the pain and anguish on his face bespoke more than she could begin to comprehend. He had told her that he had died in 1998, so he had been thirty-eight in that last memory. She shivered, even though it was a hot summer day. He had looked older, but she supposed if his life had even been half as awful as those memories had depicted, he would look ragged and worn. It was weird to know that she had been in the company of someone much mentally older than her, but he was still Severus. The age difference didn't matter.
Sitting here now, slightly removed from the situation, Lily tried to wrap her mind around the possibility. Sure, she lived in a magical world, but that didn't mean she thought anything was possible. What she experienced in the Pensieve defied rational explanation. How could Severus be reliving his life? She didn't understand, but she believed, and for now, that would have to suffice.
Everything she had witnessed had been emotional and informational overload. Now, Lily was left trying to process it all. Some of the facts seemed ridiculous, and because her emotions were so raw, she almost laughed out loud at the thought of marrying James. All she could think of regarding him was how he had fancied her for years and how she had never returned the sentiment, even if he had been charming in his own way. As for the son, Harry, what could she say? Or feel? The natural maternal instinct in her felt warmed at the thought of a son, and she had wanted to protect the boy in the memories. Knowing she had died protecting him, Lily knew she would do the same in this existence if her son, whoever the father might be, were placed in danger.
But why had Severus hated the boy? She didn't know details, but he had told her it was because this Harry was James's son. What and who had Severus become? Lily knew that answer. She saw the man he was today, and she knew that everything from before had to have had a profound effect on him. How could it not?
He died, for heaven's sake! If dying alone wouldn't impact someone, what would? But for Severus... he said he never stopped loving me, in spite of everything he did wrong. He died protecting this unknown son... and he's been trying so very hard to be honorable and true ever since... ever since the end of fifth year.
Hindsight was a brilliant thing. Thinking back, Lily realized the dramatic change in Severus after that incident with the Marauders out by the lake. She had thought he had simply turned over a new leaf, but what had been the impetus? Now she knew.
A part of her was angered at him for keeping the truth from her for so long. Especially lately, she had asked him if anything was wrong, but he had denied it again and again. Now she knew what had been on his mind, probably constantly. He had lied to her for two whole years, and that hurt. Then again, this bombshell wasn't something Severus could have simply revealed over a cup of tea on a nice day. Had he told her too soon, she knew she would have been scared more than she was currently, but would she have run?
Lily hoped not.
She had left him only to have some space and time to think. In that moment, Lily prayed Severus wasn't beating himself up, believing she had left him forever. She knew he was strong, but how much could one man take?
Tired of thinking, Lily let herself cry until she found herself drained to the point of emptiness.
Finally standing, Lily breathed in deeply and exhaled, willing herself to return home. She needed some time away from Severus. She had only just begun to process this new information, and right now, all she wanted to do was sleep. She could no longer think.
Upon entering her house, though, Petunia noticed her. Lily gave her sister a half-hearted wave and headed up the stairs, hoping Petunia wouldn't follow, but Petunia was naturally curious.
"What's the matter?" Petunia asked once they were upstairs in Lily's room.
"Nothing," Lily replied, but her voice was ragged, and her eyes were still red.
"You've been crying," Petunia stated, crossing the room to examine her sister. "You went to Severus's house. What happened? Did he hurt you?"
Lily could hear the distrust and accusatory tone of her sister's voice growing. She sighed. "N-no, it's fine, Petunia. You know Severus wouldn't hurt me."
"Then why are you upset?"
"Can we please not talk about this?" Lily asked warily.
"You're supposed to be marrying him in two weeks, Lily, and if he's being a prat, I think I have a right to know. Are you sure marrying him is the right thing to do if he's capable of hurting you like this?"
"Stop being nosy, Petunia!" Lily snapped, now annoyed.
"Fine," Petunia said in clipped tones. She went to the door, but stopped and turned. "You know, Lily. I wasn't trying to 'be nosy,' as you put it. Maybe if you weren't so caught up with Severus all the time, you'd realize that other people do care. If he has done something to hurt you, I swear-"
"I'm sorry," Lily whispered. "It's just been a really bad morning. I don't think I'll ever be able to really talk about it."
Petunia eyed her sister, concerned. "Just... don't do anything stupid, Lily."
Petunia then did turn the knob and exit. Lily dropped onto the bed, removed her shoes, and crawled under the covers, pulling them snugly around her body.
Lying on her side, her eyes rested on the picture perched on the nightstand next to the bed. She was with Severus, but they weren't moving, as it was a Muggle photograph. The picture had been taken during their first summer. They had become instant friends, and each child eyed the other with wonder. They were by a small lake, and Severus was dressed as he had been in her vision of him earlier.
Just when she thought she had no more tears to shed, the hot saltiness coursed quickly down her cheek. Lily reached for the picture and gazed upon it, wishing she could return to those times, before everything had become so complicated.
She cried for the boy in that picture and for the man he had become, but they were the same person.
"I love you, Sev," Lily whispered. "That has to be enough."
Determined she would talk with him tomorrow, Lily held the picture to her heart and closed her eyes.
x x x x xAfter Lily left, Severus stood in the same spot for a long time. He wished time would stop, but time was cruel and kept ticking away. Her last gentle touch could have been a death kiss, and the sound of the door closing could have been a resounding bang, shattering the already broken pieces of his heart.
But Severus could no longer cry.
Tears were worthless. He had already paid a high enough price for them, but they gave nothing of value. Despite his efforts, when the moment of truth came, Severus knew everything he felt worth something in his life was because of Lily. If she never returned, he doubted he would have the resolve to continue on.
He felt very much like his old, embittered self, but seeing his wand, he did something he oftentimes did when he was feeling particularly alone and sorry for himself. Going to one of the armchairs, he sat and forced himself to think of something happy: their first day together as friends.
"Expecto Patronum," he uttered, and a wispy silvery thread erupted from the tip of his wand, taking form.
Standing in front of him was a beautiful doe. When Lily had been long dead and he was at his lowest, he could always muster a small spark of joy to produce the symbol of his love for her. He had felt Lily's calming presence in the silver doe, and as the doe's eyes gazed back at him, they were nonjudgmental and soft.
Severus reached out a hand. The doe briefly nuzzled his palm, and he ran his hand over the animal's semi-solid head.
"You'll never leave me, will you?" he asked the doe. "But what about Lily? She told me she never would leave my side, but that was before she knew the truth about me..."
The doe began to fade and then disappeared completely. Severus could have summoned another, but decided against it. Instead, he leaned back in the chair and stared at the cracks in the ceiling. The plaster was breaking off in some areas, and a stain from when the toilet had overflowed years ago still marked the ceiling. It was ugly and falling apart and blocking his view of the clear sky outside.
He felt like that ceiling.
"Do you hate me so much?" Severus asked no one in particular. "Why the hell did you give me another chance to live? So you could laugh at me? See what a failure I'd be all over again? Well, I hope you're satisfied! If you do hate me, why not just end it already and damn me to hell!"
A curious thing happened then, just as Severus was expecting silence to be the response to his desperate plea. The window suddenly flew upon, and a burst of wind entered, wrapped its way around him. Severus could have sworn he smelled Lily's vanilla fragrance in it. The breeze was gentle, hardly a whisper on his flesh, but it brushed past the same spot on his cheek where Lily had kissed him.
Then the wind was gone.
Severus stood and gazed out the open window. No one was near. Closing the window, he secured it and jerked the curtains shut, convincing himself that what had just happened had merely been a freak occurrence.
If only Severus realized that because he had enough joy to summon his Patronus, he could also believe Lily would return.
The next day, she did.
Severus had succumbed to taking a whole bottle of Dreamless Sleep Potion to knock him out for several hours, not wishing to turn to alcohol like his father to drown himself in his troubles. When Lily knocked at the door, Severus wasn't awake to hear it, so she Apparated into the house, the wards set to permit only Severus or her.
Fearing for the worst, Lily called, his voice cracking, "Severus!"
When no reply came, she made her way up the stairs. The door to his room was shut, but when she jiggled the knob, she found it unlocked. Upon entering the room, relief flooded through her at seeing his sleeping form.
"Severus, wake up," Lily said, gently shaking him.
When he continued to slumber, Lily grew worried. Her eyes fell on the empty vial next to the bed, and she mentally cursed. She hoped he had the antidote in the bathroom, as it would take many more hours for the potion's effects to wear off.
Lily quickly returned to the short hallway and went into the bathroom. She opened the cabinet and sorted through numerous vials, a mixture of Muggle medicine and potions. She smiled when she found what she was seeking. Knowing Severus like she did, a brilliant potions brewer would always have his shelves stocked.
"Thank you, Severus," she murmured, holding the vial carefully between both hands.
Kneeling at the side of the bed, Lily took one hand and placed it behind his head, gingerly lifting it off the pillow. She tipped the contents of the vial down his mouth and massaged his throat. Severus swallowed by reflex. A few seconds later, Severus's eyes opened, blinking several times as he focused on Lily.
"Lily?" he rasped.
Lily conjured a glass and some water and handed it to him. "Perhaps you had better drink something, Severus."
Severus gratefully took the offering and drank down the entire glass. Lily was smoothing the hair on his forehead away from his face, her motions tender and slow.
"Your hair is getting long again, Sev," she said with a smile.
"Not that long yet," Severus murmured.
"Soon it will be long and beautiful again, not that it isn't lovely now. I will be here to see it grow, to run my hands through your long locks again."
"You- you will?" Severus asked, feeling his eyes sting. "Lily, I... I thought I had lost you... again."
"Never, Sev." Lily leaned in and kissed him sweetly on the lips. She joined him on the bed and wrapped her arms around him. Severus, thinking this had to be a dream, slowly embraced her, wishing to hold on to her, lest he awaken and find himself alone again.
"I must admit... I have a million questions, and I'm confused as hell," Lily continued, "but you are Severus; whether you are the boy I first met or the man who died in that memory, you are all of those to me. After what I saw yesterday, I was hurt you had kept a secret so big from me, but I understand why you did. Your other life was... Sev, it was horrible."
"But it's my fault, Lily," Severus weakly protested. "Didn't you see? I betrayed you in so many ways. It doesn't matter that I died protecting your son-"
"It matters to me, Severus," Lily stated firmly. "I can plainly see that you are undeniably sorry for your past actions, and I believe you have more than made up for anything you could have done. Those things you shared with me didn't happen to me in the here and now. Had you not shown me, I would have never known, but what you did took tremendous courage. You risked everything because your love for me is that true, that deep. If anything, Sev, it only made me realize how much more I do love you."
"Lily, you can't possibly-"
"Severus, if you must hear me say in words what I've been trying to convey, then let me set the record straight: I forgive you. All right? You're forgiven for anything you could have done wrong."
"You- you can't forgive me," Severus insisted, now withdrawing from her and sitting up.
"I have, and I would, no matter how many times it takes for you to realize it," Lily stated firmly. "Now you need to learn to forgive yourself."
"That's impossible," Severus spat bitterly.
"Not true," Lily disagreed. "If you haven't at least partially forgiven yourself, then how have you managed to do so much good, in both of your lives?"
Severus was at a loss for words.
"Severus, you must forgive yourself," Lily implored. "You are capable of such profound love, devotion, loyalty, and bravery. You have no idea the depths of your worth."
"I am none of those things," Severus said sullenly. "I am petty and shallow. I hated your son, Lily. I made his life miserable. I held a grudge for years. How is that anything good?"
"You said he looked like James. Is that all there was to it?" Lily questioned.
"That was only on the surface. Because I'd lost you to Potter, I saw your son as a living representation of a unity of someone I loved and someone I hated. He seemed like someone sent into the world just to mock me, to be a constant reminder of where I had failed. I was determined from the beginning to only see his father in him, but the person I really hated was myself. I projected my insecurities onto a boy who had done nothing to deserve such treatment."
"And yet you protected him. Because you loved me?"
"Of course!" Severus exclaimed. "Everything I did was because of you."
"Did you not do good because you felt it was the right thing to do, then?"
"At first, I had only my guilt of betraying you to drive me, but... with time, I-"
"Yes?" Lily prodded, hopeful Severus would come to the conclusion that he had, in fact, done good for the right reasons.
"I did more than just protect Harry Potter. I worked as a spy for Dumbledore and the Order. I wanted to see the Dark Lord taken down. Even though it was my fault for telling him the prophecy, he was the one who ultimately killed you. Dumbledore asked me to protect the children at the school after he was gone, and I did so to the best of my abilities."
"After he was gone? What happened to him?"
Severus swallowed nervously. "He was already dying the year before the final battle. He had foolishly placed a cursed ring on his finger. As for why, I don't know, but I was able to confine the curse to his hand for a time. The Dark Lord had given the task of murdering the headmaster to a student. You know of Lucius Malfoy?"
Lily nodded.
"It was his son. As punishment for Lucius's failures, the Dark Lord gave this task to Draco, his son, never truly thinking he could do it. When I discussed this with Dumbledore, he told me I needed to kill him."
Lily gasped. "Why would he demand such a thing?"
"There were multiple reasons. He didn't want Draco to become a killer. He needed me to show my supposed 'true colors' to the Dark Lord and be taken further into the fold. Dumbledore was already dying, anyway, so he was living on borrowed time. It was a mercy killing, but I hated him for asking it of me. No one else would have been able to do it. I cannot believe I did."
"That's horrible!" Lily exclaimed, outraged and disturbed. "Dumbledore asking you to kill him! It's no wonder you don't trust him. He didn't even seen to show you much compassion when you were grieving over my death."
"Dumbledore had his own agenda in the war. I never felt like he trusted me, even though he claimed he did. He never revealed his plans for how he was bringing down the Dark Lord, only telling me that a part of the Dark Lord's soul resided inside Harry Potter and that I was to be the one to tell him this at a crucial time. I still don't understand what it all meant. I gave your son the information he needed, and although my time in the afterlife was brief, I did learn from Dumbledore that Harry Potter defeated the Dark Lord."
"You mean, You-Know-Who can't just be killed like anyone else? And this unknown son of mine could have been killed? Dumbledore used Harry Potter as a pawn?!" Lily asked, frightened and incredulous.
"Harry Potter had a knack for surviving in extreme circumstances. Dumbledore may have been brutal, but he wasn't heartless. He cared deeply for the boy, and with all Dumbledore's cleverness and cunning, I know his plan would have played out for victory, as he had placed the pieces on the chessboard just right. As for the Dark Lord, no, he cannot die like a normal wizard, and he did tell his followers that he had taken certain precautions to avoid dying. He had done this before your sacrifice. He was resurrected thirteen years later, having never properly died."
Lily sighed. "Well, I'm just glad Harry was finally able to defeat that bastard." She paused, then inquired, "Is it possible to figure out how to defeat You-Know-Who?"
"Perhaps..." Severus trailed off thoughtfully. Somewhere along the way, their conversation had drifted, and realizing this, Severus said, "But getting back to what needs to be discussed now, Lily, are you certain you still want to be with me?"
Lily took his hands in earnest. "Yes."
"But you said yesterday that you didn't know if love was enough."
"It is. It has to be. I saw what your love could do, the man you have become. You have done many great things, Severus, and I hope you can learn to forgive yourself in time."
"I don't-"
"Severus, please," Lily implored.
He sighed. "For you, I will try."
Lily smiled, feeling herself calming. There was a pause, then Lily asked, "Sev, why did you join the Death Eaters?"
"It was... Lily, it wasn't something that just happened overnight. You already know some of the people I was 'friends' with. Lucius Malfoy took an interest in me from the time I was Sorted. I was surrounded by the pressures in Slytherin, and I stupidly let their beliefs influence mine. When I lost your friendship, I think I lost the decent part of myself. Without you, I only had people like Mulciber to turn to, and when you started dating Potter in seventh year, that was pretty much the last straw. I knew you would never look at me the same again. After Hogwarts, I took the Mark, believing I could prove myself to be powerful, influential, gain respect, and finally get my revenge on people like Potter and my father who had put me down for years."
Lily's mouth was gaping at his explanation. "Did you... did you do anything bad? What did you witness?"
"That's not something you really want to know, Lily," Severus stated warily. "Trust me."
"Severus," Lily said sternly, "I think I do have a right to know. You've told me so much already, shown me so much. I do love you, but I deserve to know the man I'm marrying."
"Yes, you do," Severus admitted ashamedly. "That's why I told you the truth. But you... you would still truly have me in marriage after you know all this?"
"Nothing you tell me is going to change how I feel about you, Sev," Lily said gently. "You are not the person you were when you joined the Death Eaters. You have come so far, but please, I need to know."
"Yes, I did horrible things, Lily. I saw many people die, killed mercilessly by the Death Eaters. Some of them enjoyed tormenting their victims first. I was put in charge of brewing poisons, so most of my victims weren't direct. The Dark Lord used me as a spy as well, so when I turned spy for Dumbledore, I already had mastered Occlumency. I simply turned it on my old master."
"Did you ever kill anyone... besides Dumbledore?" Lily whispered.
"Not directly, no, but I just as well might have. I was only a true Death Eater for a little over a year, but then I heard the prophecy, and things changed. Most of my assignments involved spying, as I told you. When I was a double agent, I had to be very careful with the information I gave. The Dark Lord wished for me to procure the Defense Against the Dark Arts position at Hogwarts and spy on Dumbledore, but I went to Dumbledore on my own and begged him to protect you by that point. Dumbledore eventually gave me the position as Potions master, although that was shortly before you and your family were attacked. I don't think he ever fully trusted me with Defense."
"I still am having a hard time with all this," Lily admitted. "It's just beyond my ability to understand. How did you get another chance at life? I mean, do you know how it works, exactly?"
Shaking his head, Severus replied, "All I know is that Dumbledore greeted me in the afterlife. We spoke briefly. He told me I was being given the chance to relive my life and asked me if I would have chosen differently if given the opportunity. I told him that of course I would have! How I longed to have you by my side, and I'd lived the rest of my meagre life without you, bitter and jaded, hating myself and the world. Suddenly, I blinked, and then I was back in my younger body, and Potter was coming at me."
"So... how old are you really, then?" Lily asked curiously.
"I'm not sure how that works," Severus said. "I was thirty-eight when I died, and it's been two more years. Does that make me mentally forty? I don't know. Does... does that bother you? It crossed my mind on more than one occasion. I felt like a dirty, old man, Lily."
Lily laughed softly. "Sev, don't you think on it for a moment. If I can look past your mistakes, do you really think something as trivial as that would matter?"
"I don't know," Severus replied.
"Well, don't dwell on it... any of it if you can help it."
"Easier said than done, Lily," Severus stated sourly.
"I know, Sev, but you have to promise to try... just as you promised to try and forgive yourself. I hate seeing you be so hard on yourself."
"You're too kind to me. You always were."
"I didn't seem very forgiving or kind in that memory by the portrait hole to Gryffindor Tower," Lily uttered sadly. "How could I have turned my back on you when you probably needed me the most, Sev?"
"Don't you dare blame yourself, Lily!" Severus demanded, his eyebrows arched in distress. "By that point, you had every right to refuse my pathetic apologies. I called you a... you-know-what. You know what I was doing for years, who I was friends with. You begged me again and again to stop hanging around with those people, but did I listen? No. That day was my worst memory, and had I known I was going to lose you forever-" Severus choked on a sob.
"But you didn't lose me forever, Severus," Lily said gently, kissing him on the nose. She held his face in her hands, her fingers trailing into his hair at the temples and her thumbs wiping away a couple of errant tears. Gazing deeply into his eyes, she said, "You are a great man, Severus Snape. You must have really impressed God himself if he was willing to give you a second chance. That's exactly what happened. That's a miracle. You're living proof that people can change for the better, and you've already given hope to so many people. Do you remember how the students in the duelling club felt about you leaving? You worked hard to give Slytherin an honorable name again. Before this war is over, I know you'll do so much more."
"You're too-"
"Don't say I'm too kind, Severus," Lily said firmly. "I'm honest. I'm not just telling you these things to make you feel better. I mean them. You know I would not lie to you."
"All right," Severus gave in. "I'm sorry, Lily. I don't doubt your honesty, and from now on, I hope you will be able to trust me, even though I've hidden so much from you for so long."
Lily nodded. "Can you use your knowledge of the future to prevent bad things from happening?"
"I can try... but things have already been altered. There's no guarantee, but I will try."
"We'll face those things together, Sev, as husband and wife."
Severus smiled weakly. "You have no idea how much I love you, Lily."
"I think I do," Lily stated seriously.
Lily cuddled closer to Severus, and he wrapped an arm around her, knowing he would protect her, no matter what the future might bring. Amazed anew at Lily's resilience, Severus silently thanked God for the first time ever for being alive.
Author's Note: There you have it: another nice, long chapter (technically even longer in my own words than the last one) and a quick update, a resolution to the evil cliffie I left you with! These past two chapters have been some of the most fun to write, so they just flowed naturally... hence the quick updates and length.
I just want to take this moment to say how thankful I am for all of you. I am just standing in awe, amazed at how this story has been received. Never in a million years did I expect it to be this popular or liked. You all amaze me. Thank you deeply.
Beautiful new artwork by LilyHBP (from chapter 72) can be found here: http: / lilyhbp . deviantart . com / art / Almost-Twilight-83610642 (remove spaces) Thanks, Lily!!
Check out my profile page to find links to the Russian and French translations of this story (and an Italian one forthcoming). A big thank you to all who have graciously worked hard on translating this fic for others to enjoy!
