Earning

"Hey, how many tablespoons do you think there are in a cup?" Carly asked Freddie from the kitchen. "I'm making brownies and Spencer lost the measuring cups so I have to use measuring spoons."

"Um…I don't know," Freddie frowned, looking up from the computer at the kitchen counter. "When have I ever baked?"

"Well, Mr. Tech Producer," Carly said, rolling her eyes. "There's this magic machine right in front of you that would allow you to look up the answer in a matter of seconds."

"I can't search anything right now," Freddie told her. "I'm updating the iCarly site."

"Why did it need updating?" Carly frowned. "Was something wrong?"

"No, nothing was wrong," Freddie replied. "But I just figured out a way to create a new search bar on our video page."

"Wow, I'm sure our viewers will all notice that," Carly smirked.

"What's with all the sass?" Freddie said. "I already have an overly sarcastic girlfriend. Can't a guy get a break?"

"Sorry," Carly said. "I'm just trying to finish with these stupid brownies. Spencer needs them for his book club tonight and the fire department made him sign a contract promising he wouldn't use the oven for at least three months so I'm stuck doing. Baking brings out my sass, you know."

"I thought Spencer got kicked out of his book club," Freddie frowned.

"He did," Carly nodded. "But then he went back to them crying and I guess they felt sorry for him, so he's back in. For now."

Just then the front door opened and Sam walked in.

"Well, this day officially sucks," she announced. "Apparently I have twenty-four hours to find myself a date."

"Um…hi?" Freddie frowned, raising his hand. "I can be your date. That's one of the boyfriend duties, remember?"

Sam chuckled. "Duties…"

"Aren't you mature," Carly said, shaking her head. "Why do you need a date?"

"Eh, I have to go to my cousin's wedding tomorrow," Sam replied. "He got engaged last year, but then he was arrested for stealing a cop's taser, so he and his fiancé postponed the wedding. But he wound up making parole yesterday and he wants to have the wedding as soon as possible because apparently he might go down for thing with involving a piranha deal soon.

"How has your family not been offered a reality show deal yet?" Carly asked.

"Wait, so you need a date for the wedding?" Freddie asked.

"Yeah, otherwise I have to sit at the singles table with my gross Aunt Maggie and cousin Natasha," Sam cringed. "They both haven't paid their water bills in years so trust me, they stink."

"Well…I don't understand," Freddie said. "Why wouldn't you just take me as your date?"

"Aw, baby," Sam smiled, patting his shoulder. "That's cute."
"What's cute?" Freddie asked.

"Look…this is kind of going to be a big family gathering," Sam said. "All of my relatives are going to be there. You…you just aren't, um…"

"What, are you ashamed of me or something?" Freddie asked.

"No!" Sam said quickly. "No…it's just…well, you-you couldn't handle yourself around a group of about fifty Pucketts."

"Fifty?" Carly repeated.

"We're Italian, remember," Sam said dismissively. She turned back to Freddie. "Look, it's nothing personal. You're just a little, well…you're too…nice."
"Too nice?" Freddie said, raising an eyebrow. "What? You don't think I can handle being around your family?"
"Come on, they'd eat you alive!" Sam said. "We're talking about people who have been in jail for biting of toes, or for doing extremely illegal things with horseradish! These people's idea of fun is vandalizing cars or-or filling water balloons with ink and throwing them at joggers! I mean I'm one of the good ones in my family!"

"What? Sam, that's ridiculous!" Freddie exclaimed. "I'm not the same geeky little dork that you knew six years ago. I can handle myself with your family."

"Mmmmm, I don't think you can," Sam said, shaking her head.

"Well who are you going to bring as your date if you don't bring Freddie?" Carly asked.

"I dunno, I was thinking Scott from detention," Sam shrugged.
"Scott?" Freddie cried. "You-You're just going to bring some other guy as your date?"

"Calm down, Scott's just a friend," Sam said quickly. "Me going with him doesn't mean anything. It's just, well, Scott would be more likely to leave that wedding not in an ambulance."

"Sam! I-I can't believe this," Freddie said. "So what? Am I just never going to meet your family?"
"You've met my family!" Sam said. "My mom hits on you all the time!"

"Other than your mom," Freddie said, crossing his arms. "You've met almost my whole family now!"

"Yes, and they're all freaks and weirdos," Sam said. "But they're not dangerous."

"Sam-"

"Besides," Sam continued. "You've met other people from my family! You've met Melanie!"
"While thinking it was you the whole time," Freddie pointed out.

"Well…ah-ha!" Sam said. "You met my Uncle Carmine and cousin Chaz, remember? You went with me to visit them at prison and you were a wreck!"

"I had ham in my pants!"

"You were still a mess!" Sam said. "If you can't handle a simple ham exchange, what makes you think you can handle this?"

"I can," Freddie insisted. "Baby, come on. This-This is really important to me. This is your family we're talking about…I-I want to have the chance to make a good impression on them. Because, well, I-I really love you, Sam, and-and I'm serious about our relationship."
Sam looked up at him. "It's really that important to you?" she asked slowly.

"Yes," Freddie said at once. "It really is."
Sam sighed. "Okay," she finally conceded. "If-If you really want, you-you can come with me to the wedding."
"Yeah!" Freddie cheered, triumphantly throwing his fist in the air.

"Oh…please don't ever do that at the wedding," Sam cringed. "Just-Just be at my place by noon tomorrow."

"You're not going to regret this, Sam, thank you!" Freddie said, wrapping his arms around her and giving her a quick kiss. "I've got to go iron my suit! This is going to be so great, you'll see!"

Carly and Sam watched Freddie run out of the apartment.

"Want me to have an ambulance on standby?" Carly asked as the front door closed behind him.

"Oh yeah…" Sam nodded.

….

The next day, right at noon, Freddie knocked at Sam's front door, straightening his suit.

A moment later the door opened, and Pam Puckett appeared.

"Hey!" she said, looking Freddie up and down. "The computer kid is here!"
"Um, hi Mrs. Puckett," Freddie said politely.

"Wow, you clean up real nice, Benson," Pam smirked. "I've taught Sammy well when it comes to picking her guys, haven't I?"

"I…I don't know how to respond to that," Freddie said.

Luckily, Sam came downstairs right at that moment, wearing a simply red dress.

"You want to stop creeping out Freddish, mom?" Sam asked.

"Pfft, I was just noticing," Pam said. "But real nice work, kiddo. Alright, I'm gonna go shave my pits and then we're off! Where's the electric razor?"

"In the kitchen where you left it," Sam said, rolling her eyes.

As Pam left the room, Sam turned to her boyfriend. "You sure you want to go through with this, nub. You're going to be dealing with people at that wedding that make her seem like the queen."

"I'm sure," Freddie nodded, giving her a quick kiss. "Especially if it means getting to be around you for the whole day. You look incredible, baby."
"Aw," Sam smiled. "See? Those are the lines that are going to get you shanked there. Look, just-just try not to act so, um, soft. Don't pull out any tech talk. Don't use that travel sanitizer your mom packs for you. And definitely don't tell any train jokes."

"Oh come on," Freddie said, rolling his eyes. "Those are funny."

"Dude…"
"Alright, alright, no train jokes," Freddie sighed.

"Just…try to stick with me the whole time," Sam said. "Hopefully that will give you some protection."
"Will you relax?" Freddie said. "You make it seem like I'm walking into a war zone."
Sam raised an eyebrow.

"Sam, I'll be fine," he said. "I'm not completely lame, you know."

Sam sighed. "You wearing your Nug Nug socks?"
"Well yeah," Freddie nodded. "They're my special occasion socks."
"Oy," Sam moaned. "This is gonna be a long day."

…..

"Alright, remember what I told you!" Sam hissed as her and Freddie walked into the wedding hall. "Keep you head down and make minimal eye contact! Speak only when spoken to, and if anybody offers you a stuffed pizband, do not take it!"

"But what's a-"

"Don't worry about it!" Sam snapped. She looked around the hall. "Okay…there's two seats next to my cousin Gina and Uncle Moe…they're a good place for you to start. They've each only been arrested twice this year."

She led Freddie to the back where her cousin and Uncle were sitting and talking.

"Sam! Hey, how you doing?" Gina asked when the two approached. "Haven't see you since we glued those pet store doors shut."

"Oh yeah…that was a good day," Sam grinned. "'Sup, Moe?"

"Aw you know, same old," the man replied. "Had to put a baby alligator in my neighbor's pool the other day. Guy called the cops on me for accidently shooting his car mirror with a paintball."
"What a jerk," Sam scoffed.

"Hey…who's the dude?" Gina asked, nodding at Freddie.

"Oh, um, this is my boyfriend I told you about," Sam said. "Freddie."

"Nice to meet you both," Freddie smiled, extending his hand.

Gina and Moe both simply stared at him for a moment before bursting out laughing.

"Listen to that schmuck, talking all proper and formal!" Moe laughed.

"Nice to meet you both," Gina mimicked, double over in laughter. "Where'd you find this kid, Sam? A tea shop?"

"Oh can it!" Sam snapped as her and Freddie took their seats. "At least I'm allowed in a tea shop."
"Eh, we're just joshing with him," Gina said, punching Freddie's arm. "What? Doesn't your boyfriend have a sense of humor, Sam?"

"Of course I have a sense of humor," Freddie said. "In fact, I have this real funny joke about these two train conductors who go into a-"

"Not now!" Sam hissed under her breath.

"Hey," Moe said, pulling a string of fireworks out from his pocket. "You guys see Stella around anywhere? I have to put these under her seat."
"Oh, to get her back for putting a bee hive in your shower?" Sam grinned.

"Uh-huh!" Moe nodded.

"Wait…" Freddie frowned. "You-You're going to set off fireworks in the middle of a wedding hall? Isn't that kind of dangerous?"

"Do you have a problem with dangerous?" Moe asked, narrowing his eyes.

Freddie gulped. "No, no…just-just making sure we're all on the same page."

"Good," Moe said, getting to his feet. "Because if you did have a problem with it, well…let's just say, Stella wouldn't be the only one getting fireworks under her seat."

"Heh, heh…well, good thing I don't have a problem then," Freddie said nervously. "Nope, no problem here! We are problem-free!"

Moe gave him one last strange look before walking away towards the front of the hall. He then turned to Sam. "So how am I doing so far?"

"Just…just great," Sam said through her clenched teeth.

….

"Alright, baby," Sam said an hour later as the wedding party moved into the next door reception hall after the ceremony. "How you holding up?"

"G-Good," Freddie said.

"You sure?" Sam asked. "I mean you did get threatened by my Aunt Fauna to have a salsa dumped down your pants after you accidently bumped into her."

"Yes, but that was only mildly terrifying," Freddie said.

"Look," Sam said. "We can ditch the reception if you want."

"No, you should spend time with your family," Freddie told her.

"Okay," Sam nodded. "Hey! There's Uncle Carmine! You know him!"

Freddie frowned. As intimidated as he actually was by Sam's family, he was even more concerned about approaching a man whose pork rights he had apparently gotten revoked and had already been threatened with a stabbing from. But he was still determined to prove to Sam that he could hold his own around her family, so he put aside the fear that was now bubbling like mad inside of him and followed Sam over to her uncle.

"Uncle Carmine!" Sam exclaimed happily once they reached the man.

"Sammy!" Carmine cried, dropping the piece of shrimp he was just about to put in his mouth as he threw his arms around his niece. "There you are; I was wondering where you got to!"

"I'm glad they finally let you out," Sam grinned. "I can't believe they had you locked up for three years because of some stupid parachute incident. Your lawyer really blew that one. Next time you get into trouble, you should call my mom's lawyer. Last month when she threw a coconut at the owner of that Ukrainian bakery, he got her off on community service!"

"Impressive, I'll have to get his number," Carmine nodded. "Of course, I would've been out six months earlier, but somebody got time added onto my sentence when he was caught trying to smuggle me my hams."
He glared right at Freddie.

"Er, um, you-you remember Freddie then," Sam said.

"How could I forget the boyfriend?" he sneered, not taking his eyes off of Freddie.

"Um, good-good to see you again, sir," Freddie said. "Er, listen, about that whole ham thing…I'm really sorry."

"Well sorry doesn't get me those six months back, now does it?" Carmine snapped. "You know I missed the raisin parade because of you? If you were any other punk, I'd have you flat on the ground right now screaming for you mommy while I used your arm as a jump rope…but, because my little Sammy here seems to like you so much…I'll give you a pass. But just know…I've got my eyes on you. Always."

"N-Noted," Freddie nodded.

"Oh look!" Carmine said brightly, turning away from Freddie. "They have those fancy fruit kabobs here! I love food on a stick!"

"Alright…I guess that went okay," Sam said as Uncle Carmine hurried away towards the food table.

"Yeah…that-that was fun," Freddie nodded, still shaking from the confrontation.

"Alright, well, I've gotta pee, so just wait here," Sam told Freddie, handing him her purse. "Just…try not to look so vulnerable while I'm gone."

"How am I supposed to do that?" Freddie frowned.

"You know, just…just don't look like somebody who's asking to be picked on," Sam said. "So don't act like you, okay?"

"Right…" Freddie nodded as Sam hurried off to the restrooms.

Okay, Freddie told himself. You've made it this far without any bodily harm. You just have to keep it up…You can't have Sam thinking that you can't take being around her family…

"Hey, look over here!" came a loud voice from behind him. Freddie spun around to see two large men and a woman approaching him.

"Who's this chump?" the woman asked.

"I think he came with Sam," one of the men answered.
"Er, that's right," Freddie said, trying not show his fear. "I'm Sam's boyfriend, Freddie."

"That kid looks like he was plucked right out of the preppy barn," the second man scoffed. "What's Sam doing with a guy like him?"

"Hey, leave the kid alone," the woman said, stepping closer to Freddie and putting his arm around him. "So…Freddie is it? How about I get you a stuffed pizband? You know, just to get to know you."
"Er, thanks, but-but I was actually told specifically to avoid stuffed pizbands," Freddie chuckled nervously.

"No, no," the woman said, a sly smile sneaking onto her face. "I insist…"

"I would listen to her, if I were you," the first man said as him and the other cracked their knuckles.

Freddie gulped. Well, it looked like this was going to end painfully one way or another…

"Um, I-Sure, I'll have a stuffed pizband," Freddie said slowly, hoping with all his might that he would receive some sort of fancy appetizer. "How bad could that-ah!"

In one swift motion, the two men had Freddie dangling above the ground by his ankles.

"Ow! Okay, blood rushing to my head!" Freddie cried.

"And now for the stuffed pizband," the woman grinned, reaching into her purse and pulling out a bottle of spicy mustard and a jar containing one of the biggest spiders Freddie had ever seen. His eyes widened.

"No!" he yelled, trying to free himself. "No! Please! I hate spiders! And I don't even like mustard! Come on, please! Let's just talk this over and-"

"Hey!" came Sam's voice all of the sudden, and Freddie was relieved to see his girlfriend running over to him.

"This doof your date, Sam?" the woman asked.

"Yeah, he is!" San snapped. "Now let him go!"

"Fine," the woman shrugged. She turned to the two men. "You heard her. Let him go."

The two men let go of Freddie's ankles, sending him falling to the ground.

"Ow!" Freddie cried indignantly.

"Now get out of here!" Sam said firmly to the three.

"Whatever," the woman shrugged. "Let's go see if those tablecloths over there are flammable."

As the three walked off, Sam kneeled down next to Freddie. "You alright, baby?"

"Just peachy," Freddie winced, sitting up.

"No, you're not," Sam sighed, looking up at his forehead, where he now had a small, bleeding cut. "You're hurt."

"Eh, it's nothing," Freddie assured her. "Just a scratch."
"Dude…come on, let's just go," Sam sighed. "You made your point. You lasted longer than I gave you credit. Now let's get out of here before you really get hurt."

"Sam, I-I don't want to leave," Freddie said. "I mean, I have get used to these people. You know, earn my Puckett seal of approval. I-I want to show them that I can fit in with them."

"What do you mean?" Sam frowned. "Who cares if you fit in with them? They're my family not yours!"

"I know," Freddie sighed. "It's just…I dunno, maybe one day…maybe one day they will be my family too."

Sam blinked. "W-What?"

"I know, I know, way too cheesy and romantic to say around here," Freddie sighed. "Rookie mistake. Sorry."

"No," Sam said softly. "Don't-Don't be sorry. So…so you mean that you-you can see us one day being-being married?"

Freddie gave her a small smile. "I know, it's stupid to be thinking about so soon. I mean we're still in high school. But I really do love you, and-and I can't imagine spending my life with anybody else, so…yeah, I-I picture us getting married one day. Like I said, I-I know it's lame and all, but-"

He was cut off by Sam's lips crashing into his.

"Wow," Freddie chuckled when they pulled apart. "And here I was expecting to be called a nub after that speech."
"Well, that's a given," Sam smiled. "But…baby, I-I-wow. I-That was the sweetest thing anybody has ever said to me. I-I had no idea that's why you were so set on coming here today."

She got to her feet and held out a hand to help Freddie up as well. She craned her neck and gave him one last kiss. "Come on," she said, taking his hand. "Let's go back in."