Coal
"Jason just got home," Sam yawned, coming into her and Freddie's room, where Freddie was already sitting in bed. "Finally. He was three minutes away from missing curfew. I hate it when he makes me worry."
"Where was he?" Freddie asked.
"Bookstore, studying with some friends," Sam said.
"Wow…he's really living life on the edge," Freddie chuckled.
"Ha, ha," Sam said dryly, climbing into bed and grabbing the remote from her nightstand and turning on the television.
"Hey, I was going to go to bed!" Freddie said.
"So?" Sam shrugged, turning up the volume. "Sleep. I'm not stopping you."
"Well how am I supposed to sleep when you're blasting the T.V.?"
"Hilarious Cheerleading Bloopers starts in two minutes!" Sam said. "You know that's my favorite show."
"I thought that cooking show with the emus was your favorite," Freddie frowned.
"Nah, not since they replaced the emus with chimp," Sam replied. "Now it just reminds me of watching my mom in the kitchen. Come on, watch with me! It's a real funny show."
"I have to be up at seven for work," Freddie said.
"But it has cheerleaders," Sam enticed. "With those short skirts and pom-poms…"
"Not gonna work, baby," Freddie smirked. "I happen to already have a wife who's ten times hotter than any of those cheerleaders. Now, goodnight."
"Ugh! Fine!" Sam conceded. "I-I'll tell you where I hid your Galaxy Wars tie!"
Freddie's eyes widened. "You did hide it!"
"Of course I did! That thing was hideous and you wanted to wear it Spencer's art show! I wasn't going to be seen in public with you while you were wearing that thing."
"That thing has the seal of the Hernation Republic on it!" Freddie snapped.
"Well if you would like the tie back, then let me watch my show," Sam said simply, smiling at her husband.
Freddie sighed. "Alright! I tell you you're hotter than a cheerleader, you hide my tie…that's fair."
"Thank you, baby," Sam said sweetly, giving him a quick kiss. She reached into her nightstand drawer and pulled out a half-eaten bag of potato chips. "Here, I'll even share with you."
"Hey, those are the barbecue kind I like," Freddie said, brightening up. He took a handful and popped a few chips into his mouth. "Mmmmm, muy delicioso!"
Sam gave her husband a strange look.
"What?" Freddie frowned.
"You know," she said thoughtfully. "We've been married sixteen years…we dated for five years before that and we were friends for six years before that. And I never asked…what's with your random Spanish outbursts?"
"My random Spanish outbursts?"
"Yeah," Sam nodded. "You know, how you'll randomly say some phrase in Spanish? Even if it's completely irrelevant to the conversation."
"Ohhhh, that," Freddie said. "Well, see, you know how when I was-"
"Mom? Dad?" Sam and Freddie's seven-year old son, Tyler, said, coming into the room.
"Tyler, what are you doing up?" Sam asked as the child hopped up onto the bed. "It's almost midnight. It's way past your bedtime."
"I can't sleep," Tyler pouted.
"Told you he shouldn't have had that Mountain Fizz right before dinner," Freddie said to Sam. "Ty, you've got to go to sleep or you'll be exhausted tomorrow."
"But I told you, I can't," Tyler said. "Can I stay in here and watch T.V. with you, mommy?"
"No way," Freddie said firmly. "No-"
"Okay," Sam said, patting the space between her and Freddie. "You can watch for a little bit."
"Sam, it's midnight."
"So? Come on, there's no school tomorrow, he'll be fine," Sam said. "If anything he'll actually sleep in past eight, and we won't have to wake up to the sound of him breaking something. Would that be so bad?"
"Eh, good point," Freddie sighed. "Alright, you can watch for twenty minutes, Tyler."
"What are you watching?" Tyler asked.
"Cheerleaders falling," Sam replied.
"How come they're falling?"
"Because that's the point of the show," Sam said.
"Remember when I fell out of the tree?" Tyler asked. "That hurt…hey, can I climb the tree again?"
"What? No!" Sam said. "You just said it hurt when you fell! Why would we let you do that again?"
"What do you think I'm getting for Christmas this year?" Tyler yawned. "I've been good, right? So I won't get coal. You think I'll get a pogo stick? Or skates? Or a giant bag of marshmallows? Or…"
The child slowly began to close his eyes, drifting off into sleep.
"Well, now we know next time he can't sleep to let him tire himself out with a million questions," Freddie whispered. "Want me to carry him back to his room?"
"In a little bit, make sure he's really out first," Sam whispered back. "Anyway, back to what we were talking about."
"What were we talking about?"
"Your Spanish thing!"
"Oh right," Freddie nodded.
"See, I used to have a theory," Sam said. "Way back before we started dating."
"Well tell me your theory and I'll tell you if you're right," Freddie grinned.
"Okay," Sam agreed. "See, I was thinking that because your mom went and put that-"
"Dad? Dad, I need help," fifteen-year old Jason said, bursting into the room.
"Shhh!" Sam hissed. "Tyler's sleeping!"
"Sorry," Jason said quickly.
"What do you need help with at midnight?" Freddie asked. "Can't it wait until tomorrow?"
"No!" Jason said. "This is an emergency! I need help with a text!"
"A text?" Freddie repeated. "That's your emergency?"
"It's not just any text!" Jason said. "When I was out at the bookstore, I-I was with a whole group of friends. Including girls! And-And this one girl was there, and-and she kept talking to just me and she was sitting real close to me, and she told me I looked nice in my new shirt-"
"Aw, Jason," Freddie beamed. "It sounds like this girl has a crush on you! Do you like her back?"
"I-I don't know," Jason moaned. "I-I've known her for a couple years I guess, and she's pretty cool. She's super smart…we always try to outdo each other on tests in school. And I guess she's kind of cute…"
"What's her name?" Sam asked. "Have we met her?"
"It's Eileen Jacobson," Jason replied. "The girl who beat me at the stupid science fair last year."
"Oh yeah, I remember her," Freddie nodded. "She built a real cool robotic arm."
"My robotic soda opener was ten times better than it," Jason mumbled darkly.
"Okay, so where does an emergency text come into this?" Freddie asked.
"Oh, right," Jason said, pulling out his phone. "Listen to this text she just sent me! She says: 'Hey, I had a lot of fun hanging out with you and everybody. Maybe sometime the two of us could get together to work on next year's science fair projects.' What do I do with that? Is she asking me to hang out? Or to hang out?"
"Um…well," Freddie said slowly. "She-She might just want to work on science with you…or-or maybe she does want to go out on like a little date…."
"Wow, dad, thanks for restating my dilemma," Jason said, rolling his eyes.
"Well girls' texts have always confused me!" Freddie defended. "They write in code!"
"What?" Sam scoffed.
"Well what do you think that texts means?" Freddie asked his wife. "See if you can get a clear meaning from it!"
"You're not supposed to know exactly what she means with that text," Sam explained.
"Well then why did she send it?" Jason asked, confused.
"Because this way, she stays in control of everything," Sam told him. "It's a classic first move."
"Oh what do you know about first moves?" Freddie asked. "Your fist move with me involved you kissing me and then locking yourself in an insane asylum!"
Sam glared at him, swatting the back of his head.
"Ow!"
"Anyway," Sam said, turning back to Jason. "The point of her sending you that text is so it gives her a chance to figure out her own feelings for you without making it super obvious. What she wants you to do is text her back saying that yeah, you can hang and do some science. Then when you go over there, that's what you two will do. And then, if everything goes okay, that's when she might suggest going out on a date."
"Huh…" Jason said thoughtfully. "That's actually kind of smart of her."
"Since when have you become such an expert on the way a girl's mind works?" Freddie asked.
"Oh I don't know, maybe ever since I've been a girl."
"So…so you think I should just text her and then hang out with her like any other time?" Jason asked.
"Yup," Sam nodded. "That's exactly what she wants you to do."
"Wow, thanks mom!" Jason said.
"I-I was getting to that, you know," Freddie said lamely.
"Course you were," Sam smirked. "Wait, Jason, before you go, carry Tyler back into his bedroom."
"Alright," Jason nodded, lifting up his younger brother. "Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go text Eileen back."
"Weird," Freddie said as Jason and Tyler left. "I always would've thought you'd be crazy overprotective about Jason's first date. You handled that pretty well."
"Eh, it's just one kind-of date," Sam shrugged. "It's not like he's going to marry this chick."
"True," Freddie agreed. "So, what were you saying then? About your theory of why I speak Spanish sometimes?"
"Oh, right," Sam said. "So I got the idea all the way back when we were fourteen, and we were in-"
"Mom!" eleven-year old Emma exclaimed as she stormed into the room, Ashton at her heels. "Mom! Guess what Ashton did? You need to ground her until she's thirty!"
"I didn't do anything!" Ashton yelled.
"Girls! What are you fighting about?" Sam asked loudly, causing the twins to fall silent.
"And why are you up?" Freddie asked. "Does nobody in this house understand that it's past midnight?"
"Who goes to sleep before midnight?" Emma frowned.
"Just tell us what's going on," Sam sighed.
"Emma thinks that I deflated her soccer ball!" Ashton said.
"Because you did!" Emma yelled. "You hate that thing!"
"That doesn't mean I destroyed it!"
"That's exactly what it-"
"Girls, calm down," Freddie said. "Look, Emma, can't-can't you just put more air into your ball?"
"No!" Emma said. "Because there's a hole in it! A hole that Ashton put there because she's the worst sister ever and-"
"Why would I want to destroy your stupid soccer ball?"
"So you admit it's stupid?"
"Emma, why do you think it was Ashton?" Sam asked.
"Because she was mad at me for kicking the ball in our room when she was 'trying to study'!" Emma replied.
"Which is why I poured glue on your hairbrush!" Ashton said. "I didn't murder your soccer ball!"
"You what?"
"Come on, girls, your pranking habits have gotten way out of hand!" Freddie said firmly. "Look at yourselves! This is not how sisters are supposed to behave. You're supposed to love each other! Now Ashton, do you give Emma your word that you didn't bust her soccer ball?"
"Yes!" Ashton nodded, looking at her sister. "Emma, I-I know we do stupid things to get back at each other all the time, but I know how much you love that soccer ball. I wouldn't go that far."
Emma sighed. "I guess…I guess you wouldn't. Besides, you do suck at lying. Alright, I-I'm sorry I accused you."
"And I'm sorry I put glue in your hairbrush," Ashton mumbled. "And in your shoes…"
"But-But if Ashton didn't ruin my soccer ball, then who did?" Emma asked. "It was down in the living room all day and when I went to get it just now it was a pancake!"
"Wait…" Sam said slowly. "Um, you-you're not talking about your red soccer ball, are you?"
"Yeah, that's the one," Emma nodded. "Why?"
"Oh…" Sam said. "Okay, now-now before you overreact, just-just know it was a total accident and-"
"Mom!" Emma cried. "You killed my ball? I don't believe it! My own mother!"
"I'm sorry!" Sam said quickly. "I was going to go out tomorrow and buy you a new one before you noticed!"
"How did you break her ball?" Freddie chuckled.
"Well Spencer was over earlier and the two of us got into this game of darts," Sam explained. "And just as I was about to win, my phone went off right when I was throwing my last dart and it messed up my aim and, well, the dart went right into the ball."
"That was my favorite soccer ball!" Emma exclaimed.
"I'm going to buy you a new one!" Sam reminded her. "And-And I'll even throw in a new pair of shin guards!"
"Really?" Emma said excitedly, her frown evaporating right off her face. "Cool, thanks mom!"
"Alright, everybody's happy, it's a miracle," Freddie said. "Now get some sleep you two. And no more putting glue in each other's stuff!"
"Aw, man," Sam said as the girls left the room. "I don't believe it! I missed the entire show! It's all over!"
"There's not another episode?" Freddie asked, looking at the screen.
"Nope," Sam sighed, turning off the television. "Hilarious Cheerleading Bloopers does not get the air time it deserves, that's for sure. Oh well, I guess it's fine. Those four tired me out anyway."
"Me too," Freddie yawned. "Leave it to them to bring us all their problems at the latest possible hour. Hey…weren't-weren't we talking about something earlier? You know, before all the interruptions?"
"Oh yeah," Sam nodded. "But you know what? I don't even remember what it was. That's how exhausted I am."
"Me neither. Oh well," Freddie shrugged, falling back against the pillows. "Can't have been that important then. Maybe we'll remember in the morning."
"Maybe," Sam yawned, reaching over to the lamp and turning the light off and curling up underneath the covers. "Night, baby."
"Bueno noche," Freddie said as he wrapped his arms around her waist, closing his eyes.
