Limit
"So do you guys have any fun plans for tonight?" Freddie asked loudly as him, Sam and Carly sat up in the iCarly studio. "If you do, I'm gonna have to pass on them, because I am already busy."
"Who says we'd invite you anyway?" Sam said swiftly, not looking up from her Pearpad.
"I can't do anything tonight because I'll be going on a date," Freddie continued, ignoring Sam's comment. "That's right. A date."
"Weird," Sam said, finally looking up. "You've said this about ten thousand times today and I still don't care."
"Are you going on another date with that Kendall girl?" Carly asked before Freddie could respond.
"Yeah, I am!" Freddie grinned. "Aw man, Carly, she's great! We've been out three times already, and I can already tell we have a real connection. She's smart, she's funny, she has no arrest record. I'm telling you, I really know how to pick them."
"You do not!" Sam snapped. "Your mom set you up with that chick! If her dermatologist didn't mention he had a lonely daughter, you wouldn't have even met Kendra."
"Kendall," Freddie corrected. "And-And-Okay, fine. So my mom set me up with her. It doesn't matter. The point is I'm really happy with her and I have so much fun when I'm around her. Fun that doesn't leave me all bruised and bleeding."
"So are you and Kendall like, boyfriend and girlfriend now?" Carly asked.
"Well, like I said, it has only been three dates," Freddie said. "I don't know if I'd start putting labels on stuff. But if things keep going this well, which I know they will, I can definitely see me and Kendall being together for a long time."
"That's one prison sentence not even the worst criminal should have to suffer through," Sam sneered.
"Sam…" Carly sighed.
"Let her make her little comments," Freddie said, rolling his eyes. "I don't care. I don't need her seal of approval on who I date. Anyway, is Spence home? I'm taking Kendall to the Cheesecake Warehouse and I want to borrow a nice jacket or something."
"He should be home soon, he went with T-Bo to the movies," Carly replied. "Hey, speaking of Kendall though…when are you gonna let us meet her?"
"Meet her?" Freddie repeated slowly.
"Yeah, you've been talking about her nonstop since your first date with her," Carly chuckled. "When do we finally get to put a face to the name?"
"Ummm…" Freddie said, glancing over at Sam. "Um, I-I don't-"
"Sam will behave herself," Carly assured him knowingly. "Won't you, Sam?"
"Um, I don't really like committing to things I know I'm-"
"Sam…" Carly said firmly, giving her best friend a look.
Sam groaned. "Alright!
"There you go," Carly smiled at Freddie.
"Um, okay then," Freddie shrugged. "I-I guess I can bring Kendall by after school tomorrow."
"Great," Carly said. "I can't wait."
"Yeah, it's probably good for us to meet her," Sam said. "That way we can alert the mental hospital that she's escaped. I mean who else would be crazy enough to fall for this nub?"
"Uh, you," Freddie said.
"Yes," Sam said simply. "And where did I lock myself up in right after?"
"Er, the-the mental hospital," Freddie frowned.
"See, Sam Puckett's no hypnocrit."
"Hypocrite!"
"Whatever!" Sam snapped. "I might as well warn this chick what she's in for. It can be my good deed for the month."
"Kendall isn't going to care what you say," Freddie retorted. "Because she happens to like me and enjoys my company and doesn't think I'm some nub."
"I give her three more weeks," Sam grinned. "Then she definitely will."
…..
"Does Spencer still buy that spicy mustard?" Sam asked the next day, looking through the Shay's fridge.
"No, not since he decided he was going on a diet," Carly replied. "He split his jeans at the mall yesterday so for the next three days, he's gonna try to be healthy. Last night he threw out all our junk food."
"He just threw it out?" Sam exclaimed.
"Relax, you know he's gonna restock the whole place with candy bars and chips soon," Carly shrugged. She looked at her watch. "I wonder where Freddie is. I didn't think it would take him so long to get Kendall."
"Maybe the chick wised up and left him," Sam smirked.
"You promised you'd be nice," Carly reminded her.
"That was my last one!"
"Well just make sure that you behave yourself," Carly said. "Obviously Kendall is important to Freddie and-"
Just then her phone started to ring.
"It's Spencer," Carly said, looking down at her screen. She picked it up and pressed it to her ear. "Hello? What? You what? Ugh, okay, I'm coming."
She hung up and turned to Sam. "Well, I've got to go get Spencer. He was at the gym and twisted his ankle making a mad dash to the water fountain. I'll be back soon. And remember-"
"I'll be good, I've got it!" Sam said, rolling her eyes.
"Okay…" Carly said, giving her best friend one last skeptical look before heading out the door.
Once Carly left, Sam flopped down on the couch and kicked her feet up on the coffee table, figuring she might as well try starting to prepare herself for Kendall's arrival. She wondered what this girl would be like. Freddie seemed to really be into her, so she would probably be some goody-two shoes, preppy, polite girl…basically the complete opposite of her.
She didn't have long to wait, though, before she heard a quick knock at the door. A second later Freddie opened up and stepped into the apartment, followed by a tall, dark-haired girl.
"Oh, hey," Freddie said, catching sight of Sam.
"Hi," Sam said, though she wasn't looking at him. She was staring over his shoulder at Kendall.
Alright…so she's prettier than I imagined, Sam thought to herself. Big deal. I'm sure she's still a freak…I-I mean she has to be right? There's no way Frednub found a normal girlfriend before I found a new guy! Aw jeez, I'd never be able to live that down!
"So, um, where's Carly?" Freddie asked, clearing his throat.
"She had to run out," Sam answered quickly. "Spencer broke himself at the gym."
"Ah," Freddie nodded. "Well, um, Sam, I-I'd like you to meet-"
"Hi, I'm Kendall," the girl said, cutting Freddie off and extending her hand to Sam. "I'm Freddie's girlfriend."
Sam raised an eyebrow but said nothing. So much for him not labeling things.
"Hey…" Sam said, giving her a short handshake.
"It's so nice to meet friends of my Freddie," Kendall grinned. "As his girlfriend, it's important for me to get familiar with his social circle, right honeybear?"
"Honeybear?" Sam couldn't help but scoff.
"Um, yeah, that-that's right," Freddie said. Sam glanced over at him and was surprised to see that he seemed far less happy and glowing than he did yesterday.
"Wow, this is such a cute little place," Kendall said, looking around the apartment. "Don't you think so, Freddipie?"
"Huh? Oh, um yeah, it's great," Freddie said.
"I could just imagine living here," Kendall said dreamily. "It looks perfect for newlyweds."
"Newlyweds?" Sam repeated.
"Um…yeah, I-I guess," Freddie said slowly. "Um, speaking in a strictly hypothetical manner, of course. It's not like we know any newlyweds, or even anybody who's thinking of becoming a newlywed."
Oh my God! Sam thought happily to herself as she took in Freddie's panicked expression. This girl is crazy! She's one of those obsessive girlfriends who starts planning out the future before even hitting the one month mark! Ha! Oh this is too perfect…
"Oh, you're so silly," Kendall giggled, kissing Freddie's cheek. "Isn't he silly, Sam?"
"Oh he's a hoot," Sam beamed, taking a sip of her Whaoo Punch.
"And this place is just ideal for kids too," Kendall continued, causing Sam to gag on her drink.
"K-Kids?" Freddie stammered. "Er…okay, yeah, sure. But-But again, speaking in a strictly hypothetical manner, right?"
"Oh Freddie, you crack me up!" Kendall laughed. "Like you don't stay up all night thinking of our future together too."
"Oh…um-um-I-I think about the future," Freddie said weakly. "Of course, I-I tend to think of the much more proximal future. You know, like what my plans are for next week, which book I'm going to read next, whether I want a fruit bar before or after my shower or-"
"I think of all that too, don't worry," Kendall smiled. "Next week you and I will go to the community center to take a class on doorknob designs. I picked us up two copies of Oliver Twist to read together at a couple's book club, and me and your mother have already discussed moving your fruit pop consumption to after your shower in order to avoid you cramping up in there."
"I-I-What?" Freddie frowned.
"To avoid cramping," Sam repeated cheerfully.
"Yeah, I got that!" Freddie snapped.
"You okay, sweetums?" Kendall asked. "You seem a little tense."
"I'm fine!" Freddie said at once. "Just-Just fine."
"Oh good," Kendall said, relieved. "I thought you were stressed about something, and I was worried about what that could be doing to your blood pressure. After all, people with high blood pressure sometimes have difficulty having children, and I do want eight."
Freddie's eyes widened as he lost his balance and fell down onto the couch. "Eight?"
"Five girls and three boys," Kendall replied promptly.
"I-I-Eight?" Freddie squeaked again.
"Oh good, you agree," Kendall grinned. She turned to Sam. "Do you happen to know where the bathroom is?"
"Oh yeah, it's right around that corner," Sam said.
"Thanks," Kendall replied. She looked back over at Freddie, who was still looking absolutely stunned over on the couch. "Try not to miss me too much while I'm gone."
Sam waited until Kendall was completely out of earshot before letting out a loud guffaw. "Oh my God!" she exclaimed. "I knew there had to be something wrong with her!"
Freddie shook his head, quickly recovering. "Excuse me? What do you mean there's something wrong with Kendall? She happens to be my girlfriend, you know!"
"I thought you weren't giving labels yet," Sam said smugly, crossing her arms.
"I-I-Well, so what?" Freddie said lamely. "We've been on three dates. That-That's usually the time people become official!"
"I suppose," Sam said. "Course the way that chick is going, you might be labeled as her husband by your tenth date."
"Ha, ha!" Freddie snapped. "So Kendall is-is excited about the future of relationship. That's not the worst thing in the world! I-I happen to appreciate that she seems willing to take it so seriously, unlike some people I could think of."
"Easy there, Benson, don't get your panties in a bunch," Sam said. "That could make that whole eight kid thing a little difficult."
"Shut up!"
"Come on, you know she's crazy," Sam said, rolling her eyes. "She might be right up there on Nora levels."
"That's-That's ridiculous!" Freddie said. "You know what? You're just jealous!"
"Of what? The fact that I don't get to doorknob design class with you?" Sam spat.
"No!" Freddie retorted. "You're jealous that I've found an amazing new girl and have completely moved on from our relationship, while you are still alone."
"Well, you've got me," Sam said, her voice dripping in sarcasm. "You know what, maybe I should go to the loony bin too and pick up a boyfriend. It might be a little weird, but hey, none of my past boyfriends have been real winners, so why not?"
"Just-Just leave me and Kendall alone," Freddie said firmly. "I'm very happy with her, okay?"
"Fine," Sam shrugged. "But when you wake up and smell the crazy, don't come crying to me."
….
The next day at school, Sam stood by her locker, waiting for her soup to finish heating her crockpot. She was just about to spoon the contents out into her bowl when Freddie suddenly stormed around the corner wearing the most ridiculous bright pink dress shirt Sam had even seen.
"Oh my God!" Sam said as he came to a stop in front of him. "I-I don't understand. Is it my birthday? Did I win a contest? Because this is just way too good to be happening to me for no reason. Did your mom buy you that shirt from the clown shop or something?"
"No, no, my mom, didn't buy me this!" Freddie said. "Kendall did! She says she wants to start seeing what colors I look best in so she knows what tablecloths we should have at our wedding."
"Whoa, that's insane!" Sam said.
"I know!"
"I mean why does it matter about the tablecloths? You're not going to be wearing those," Sam said.
"Cute!" Freddie snapped. He took a deep breath. "Alright, Sam. Now what I'm about to say…just-just know that I wouldn't be saying it unless I was completely desperate. So-So I'm asking you not to blow this all out of proportion and make a big deal out of it."
"I'm listening," Sam said, closing her locker and leaning against it.
"That stuff you said yesterday about Kendall, you know, being crazy," Freddie said heavily. "You-You were…you were right."
"What was that?"
"You were right, okay?" Freddie said loudly. "She's a nut job, a basket case, a lunatic! She needs to be locked up with a million keys and not let out ever!"
"Well," Sam said, satisfied. "What made you realize how right I was?"
"Last night, after she gave me this stupid shirt," Freddie explained. "She gave me this!"
He reached into his pocked and pulled out a crumpled sheet of paper. He handed it to her.
"What is this?" Sam frowned, looking down at it. "It's just a bunch of names. Harriet, Gretchen, Rudy-"
"Those are the names of our future children!" Freddie cried.
"All eight of them?"
"Now it's nine!" Freddie yelled. "She decided we needed an extra boy! And that's not all! She wants us to apply to all the same colleges and she wants to get one of those tandem bikes and, get this, she already went and put our name on a waiting list for the honeymoon suite of the Chambrulay hotel in Paris! This girl has no limits, Sam! She thinks we're going to spend the rest of our lives together!"
"Well then break up with her!" Sam said.
"You think I didn't try that after she forced this shirt on me?" Freddie hissed. "I did! But she just brushed it off like some joke! I-I don't know what to do; I'm freaking out! I-I need your help, Sam!"
"How am I gonna help you?" Sam asked.
"Because!" Freddie said desperately. "Kendall may be crazy, but-but you are a whole other level of crazy! The scary kind!"
"Hey!" Sam said indignantly. "That's…okay, yeah. So what am I supposed to do?"
"I dunno," Freddie said. "You're the evil mastermind! Just-Just do whatever you have to do to get her out of my life for good!"
Sam thought for a moment.
"I-I'll buy you smoothies for a month," Freddie offered.
Sam looked up at him. "Three months."
"Two months."
"Five!"
"Alright!" Freddie conceded. "Just-Just do your things, Puckett."
"Okay," Sam nodded. "Bring Kendall by Carly's after school and I'll take care of everything."
…
"So what are we doing over here again?" Kendall asked Freddie after school that day, as the two sat on the Shay's couch.
"Um…well, I-I just…I-"
"Aw, I think it's cute when to stumble over your words like that," Kendall chuckled. "But hopefully you don't do that up at the alter. My grandpa Lou has bad hearing, so you'll really need to enunciate during your vows so he can hear you."
"Um…right," Freddie said, looking at his phone again. Where was Sam?
"You look really handsome in that shirt I bought you," Kendall smiled, putting her hand on his shoulder and moving closer to him.
"Yeah, thanks!" Freddie said quickly, jumping to his feet. "Hey, how-how about I get you a soda? You thirsty? No? Hungry? Wanna some chips? Or-"
"Freddie? Freddie is that you down there?" he heard Sam call from upstairs. "It's about time! I've been waiting for you for an hour!"
A second later Sam descended the stairs wearing a stunning red dress that hugged every curve of her body perfectly. "I've missed you so much, baby. I hate seeing you running around with that Kendall girl."
"What?" Kendall exclaimed, jumping to her feet.
Sam spun around, acting as though she had just noticed her. "Oh! I-Freddie! You weren't supposed to bring her here! What were you thinking? Now she knows about us!"
"I-Uh-I-" Freddie stuttered, his mind currently trying to take all this in whilst at the same time being very distracted by Sam's outfit.
"What exactly do I know?" Kendall demanded, crossing her arms and glaring at Sam. "What's going on here? Are you trying to get my boyfriend to cheat on me with you?"
"Your boyfriend?" Sam laughed. "Oh, that's adorable. Look, Kendall…I might let Fredward go out and have some fun with some meaningless girls…but he belongs to Mama, and he always comes back. Right, Fredward?"
"I-Um-"
"Freddie?" Kendall sniffed. "Is-Is that true?"
"I-Um…yes!" Freddie nodded, quickly recovering. "Yes, um, I'm sorry, Kendall, but-but it is. At the end of everything…my heart's always going to belong to Sam."
"But-But we were so good together!" Kendall said. "I was working on a list of possible songs for our first dance! And we were almost done naming our kids, and-"
"Freddie and I did all of that last year," Sam smirked. "And so much more. We're getting married on June 18th in a boxing ring that we'll rent out for the ceremony. We're gonna have ten kids, all named after either one of the Spice Girls or the Seven Dwarfs. We're gonna move to Georgia to raise them because the schools there are just amazing and we'll be able to take them peach picking on the weekends, and-"
"Okay!" Kendall cried. "I get it, you don't have to rub it in!"
"Great," Sam said, putting her arm around Freddie. "Well, you can leave now. I'm sure there's some other dude for you to stalk out there."
"I bet there is!" Kendall snapped, grabbing her purse. "I can't believe I was going to name one of our boys Freddie Jr.!"
And with that she stormed out, slamming the door behind her.
"I-Oh my God! You-You did it!" Freddie exclaimed, throwing his arms around Sam. "You got rid of her! Thank you, Sam! Thank You! I'm free!"
"Yeah, yeah, you're welcome, nub," Sam said.
"That was brilliant!" Freddie said. "Where'd you come up with that?"
"Eh, it's a stunt my mom uses when she finds out her sister is dating one of her exes," Sam shrugged.
"Well, still, that was amazing," Freddie said. "That was some solid acting; you really made it seem like you were into me! Anyway, I'm gonna go run across the hall and break the news to my mom before she finds out from her dermatologist, but after that, we're going down to he smoothie, and I'll buy you the biggest size they've got. You've earned it."
As he raced across the hall, Sam took a deep breath, looking down at the floor.
"Yeah," she said softly. "Acting."
