Plague

"I'm telling you Sam, we need to get to the sale early," Carly said as the girls sat at a small table at Tub of Chicken. "Glitter Gloss has never done an eighty percent off deal before. It's going to be packed tomorrow. I'm thinking we get there around six in the morning to get in line."

"Carly…" Sam said heavily. "Carly, Carly, Carly…I am your best friend. You know I'd do anything for you. I've spent three hours with you helping you clean Spencer's toenails out of your speakers. I've watched countless pointless chick flicks with you. I've even given up a good amount of my street cred because of you. But there is no way I'm waiting outside of a clothing store at six in the morning to fight through a sea of crazy girls trying to buy super cheap dresses and skirts! No! Not happening!"
"Well what time do you want to go to the sale then?" Carly huffed. '
"I suppose I can force myself to be up and ready to go by…eleven," Sam said.

"Eleven?" Carly sputtered.

"Take it or leave it," Sam shrugged.

"I-Fine," Carly conceded. "Even though all that's gonna be left is overly-tacky earrings and mismatched socks."
"Hey, you're lucky," Sam said. "Last week Freddie wanted me to camp out in front of the movie theatre at five in the morning to get tickets for some new sci-fi flick and I made him wait until noon to go."
"Aw," Carly smiled. "You'd really get up earlier for me than for your own boyfriend? You are my best friend."
"Duh," Sam smirked. "Speaking of the nub, though, where is he with our food? It's been twenty minutes! I'm starving!"
"Oh, here he comes now," Carly said as Freddie approached the table carrying a tray of food.

"Alright," Freddie said. "A grilled chicken sandwich and diet coke for Carly, a wrap with onion rings for me, and a Jumbo Deluxe bucket and chocolate milkshake for Sam."

"Finally," Sam said as Freddie set the food down.

"It was ten bucks, right?" Carly asked, pulling a bill out of her purse and handing it to him.

"Yup, thank you," Freddie said, accepting the money.

"And I'm gonna pull the girlfriend card and say I'll pay you back later," Sam grinned, leaning over to kiss him. "If you catch my drift..."

"Really?" Freddie chuckled, kissing her back.

"Hey, could we not make me puke up the meal I had to pay for since I don't have a boyfriend to buy me food?" Carly said, rolling her eyes.

"Sorry," Sam said, returning to her bucket. She took a bite of a wing. "Oh…that's the stuff. It's been way too long since I've had any fried chicken. What took you forever though, baby?"

"Oh, funny story," Freddie chuckled. "See, the cashier up at the counter said she thought I was cute. So she was telling me that the two of us should go get frozen yogurt sometime. That's what took so long."
"Um…excuse me?" Sam frowned, putting down her chicken.

"Oh, obviously I told her right away that I had a girlfriend," Freddie said quickly. "But it was still kind of cool that I got called 'cute' by a chicken salesgirl, isn't it?"
"Yes," Sam snapped, her voice dripping in sarcasm. "So cool. What girl doesn't dream about having her boyfriend run off with some chick from their favorite chicken joint?"

"Wait, Sam, come on, I-I'm not going to run off with this girl," Freddie said. "I told you, I shut it down right away. It just felt kind of nice to-"

"What do you mean it made you feel nice?" Sam spat. "Oh, so I'm not nice enough now?"

"No!" Freddie said. "I-I just-Look, can we please just forget about this? I'm sorry I brought it up."

"You know," Sam said, picking up her bucket and getting to her feet. "I think I'm going to take this meal to go."

"Aw, baby," Freddie moaned. "Don't do this. I'm sorry. Please don't go."

"Well what do you care? You have the chicken chick to keep you company," Sam said, rolling her eyes. "Later!"

"Wow," Carly said as Sam stormed out. "Someone's in the dog house."

"Great," Freddie sighed. "How bad do you think this is?"

"She looked pretty wazzed off," Carly said. "On the Sam's Anger Scale, I'd put her at a six right now."

"Guess I should buy her flowers or something then," Freddie said. "I don't want her to stay mad. Especially since we're living together now. Aw jeez…she's probably at home right now putting itching powder in my boxers!"

"Well maybe you should think next time before you flirt with other girls," Carly told him.

"I wasn't the one doing the flirting!" Freddie exclaimed. "I was the one being flirted with. I can't help that!"

"I know, but did you have to make such a big deal of it?" Carly asked. "You made it seem like it was the greatest thing to happen to you all day. I mean Sam doesn't go and brag to you when she gets hit on by other guys."

"Well I was-wait, what? Sam gets hit on by other guys?" Freddie frowned.

"Um…no," Carly said slowly.

"Yes, that's what you just said!" Freddie cried. "Hold on here, who hits on Sam?"
"It's really not a big deal," Carly sighed. "It's just sometimes when we go out guys will…approach her. But she never acts on it! If anything, she uses it to her advantage."
"What?"

"Yeah, like one time we were at the chocolate store in the mall and the owner thought that Sam was cute, so she wound up getting a huge discount," Carly said. "And the other day when we were at the comic shop trying to find a birthday present for Spencer, the sales guy kept flirting with Sam and gave her some Galaxy Wars comic for free."
"Excuse me?" Freddie said, jumping to his feet. "You mean the first edition of The Galactic Rebellion? With the first appearance of NugNug and the real explanation of the source of the Norweshian Plague that took down the entire planet of Hatoine? The comic book that she gave to me as a sweet little surprise?"

"Um…maybe?" Carly said lamely.

"I can't believe this!" Freddie said. "How-How could she do this?"

"But Freddie, I told you, it was harmless!" Carly said. "She always shut everything down right away and told the guys she had a boyfriend."

"Yeah, after she flirted her way to free stuff!"

"Technically, the chocolate wasn't free, it was just super cheap and-"

"And I can't believe she'd be mad at me for telling her I got hit on by a cashier. I didn't even get any free chicken out of it!" Freddie fumed. "Forget the flowers! I'm going home and giving her a piece of my mind!"

"Come on, you-you guys don't need to start a whole thing out of this," Carly said.

"We most certainly do!" Freddie huffed, turning to head out of the restaurant.

"You guys are grown adults!" Carly called after him. "Do you really have to behave like children over-and he's gone."

A short while later, Freddie stormed into his and Sam's shared apartment to find his girlfriend sitting on the couch, halfway through her bucket of chicken.

"Oh…hello," Sam snipped.

"Oh no, you don't get to try and guilt me over this Puckett!" Freddie said firmly. "Because you are just a-a-hypocrite!"

"Excuse me? Sam snapped, getting up and putting her hands on her hips. "What did you say to me?"

"You-You heard me," Freddie said, determined not to back down. "You got mad at me for having some girl hit on me, but you have guys hitting on you all the time apparently. But you actually get stuff out of it!"

"What are you talking about?" Sam snapped. "I do not-"

"Remember that Galaxy Wars comic you bought me last week?" Freddie asked, crossing his arms. "How much did that cost Sam?"

"I-What does that even matter?" Sam sputtered.

"Well on my way here, I looked up the price online," Freddie said. "There's only six copies left in the world and they each sell for about five thousand dollars a piece. Now, are you telling me that you actually spent five thousand dollars on me for a comic book, or did you, oh, I don't know, flirt your way to a free copy?"

"I-I-No, I-ugh! Dang it, Carly!" Sam groaned. "Fine! I-I might've used the comic book guy's flirting to my advantage. But-But that was for you, baby. I-I wanted to get you something you'd like because I love you so much and-"

"Oh drop the act!" Freddie said, rolling his eyes. "I just can't believe you would make such a big deal about me when you're out there flirting your way to all these deals and stuff. You know I have to burn that comic book now?"

"You're being dramatic," Sam said, rolling her eyes. "And I told every one of those guys that I had a boyfriend. It's not like I gave any of them my number!"

"Well I told the girl at the chicken place that I had a girlfriend too!" Freddie pointed out. "But you still flipped out on me!"

"That-That's different," Sam mumbled.

"How?"

"Well it's not like I get flirted with every time I go out!" Sam snapped. "It's happened maybe a dozen times in all the years we've been dating."

"Well this is the first time I've ever been flirted with by someone else," Freddie said. "It's not like it's happening to me on a daily basis!"

"Oh come on!" Sam scoffed. "Are you kidding me? Or are you really just that oblivious? You have girls flirting with you all the time! Just yesterday when you picked me up from the car place, that chick at the check-in desk was totally checking you out! You're telling me you didn't see the way she kept touching your shoulder while she was helping you make an appointment to bring your car in for an oil change?

"Well…I-I-"

"And when we went to that Mexican place the other day, our waitress couldn't stop giving you that flirty little smile!" Sam continued. "She didn't keep bringing you refills on your salsa for nothing you know."
"Well-Well…you have definitely had more guys than you realize hit on you!" Freddie countered.

"What?"

"Yeah," Freddie nodded triumphantly. "Maybe I don't see all these girls apparently flirting with me because I'm too busy noticing all the guys hitting on you! That stock boy at Hey Foods literally sprints across the store to help you carry your bags to your car."

"That's his job," Sam spat.

"He pushed an old man out of his way once," Freddie said. "And the movie usher at the concession stand the other day…yeah, he took forever to get you your popcorn because he was a little busy checking you out!"

"You're insane!" Sam said, shaking her head. "You know you have more girls flirting with you than I have guys flirting with me!"

"I know no such thing!" Freddie said indignantly. "What I do know is you practically have guys lining up to drool over you whenever you go out."

"No!" Sam said. "And I can prove it! Come on!"
"Wait, where are we going?" Freddie frowned as Sam grabbed his hand and began dragging him out of the apartment.

"To get Carly!" Sam said. "She's going to referee a little experiment for us."

…..

"You want me to what?" Carly exclaimed as the three stood outside of the grocery store. "This has got to be your craziest stunt yet!"

"Look, all we need you to do is be on the look out and see who gets flirted with first," Sam said. "Me or Freddie. The two of us will just circle around the produce section and wait to see what happens."

"Yeah, that way you can prove to Sam that she gets more attention that me," Freddie nodded. "I know which of us is higher on the hotness scale!"

"Well for some reason, girls seem to be into the geeky thing nowadays, so Carly will be able to show you the line of desperate chicks lusting after you!"

"She will-"

"Okay, can we just get this over with?" Carly sighed. "Believe it or not, I do have things to do."

"Fine," Sam said. She turned to Freddie. "You remember the rules, right? Neither of us can initiate the flirting ourselves, and we need to shut down any advances right away."

"Got it," Freddie nodded, leaning down to give her a quick kiss. "Good luck…not that you'll need it."
"Oh I'm going to lose this game, Frebutt," Sam smirked. "Wait and see!"

"I need to start finding some normal friends," Carly said, rolling her eyes as they entered the store and headed over to the crowded produce department.

"Alright, remember, Carls, be on the look out," Sam said.

"Yeah, yeah," Carly said. "Just go!"

Sam and Freddie spread out. Sam headed over to the orange display while Freddie started towards the carrot section. Both tried to pretend not to know the other, but were having trouble keeping from glancing over at the other.

About ten minutes in, though, a tall man with a dimples and a neatly-trimmed beard approached Sam.

"Excuse me, ma'am?" he said, tapping Sam's shoulder. "I was-"

"Ah-ha!" Freddie cried from across the section, hurrying over to his girlfriend. "See? You're already getting flirted with! I told you!"

"No I wasn't!" Sam snapped. "And you're supposed to wait until Carly confirms the flirting! You're totally cheating right now!"

"You were flirting with her weren't you?" Freddie asked, turning to the very confused man.

"Um…n-no," the man said. "I was just going to ask if she dropped these keys here."
He held up Sam's keys. "They were right by here so…"

"Oh," Freddie mumbled as Sam quickly took the keys back. "Well…carry on then."

The man gave the couple one last strange look before hurrying off.

"See?" Sam smirked. "Nothing. I told you that I-"

"Hi, sir?" a young, dark-haired woman said, approaching Freddie. "I was just wondering if you could-"

"Bam!" Sam exclaimed, throwing a victorious fist into the air. "I win! You got flirted with first!"

"What?" Freddie sputtered. "No flirting has happened yet! What happened to waiting for Carly?"

"I don't need to wait," Sam said. "This chick is all over you. Right?"

"Um…actually, I-I was just going to ask if he minded getting me that package of asparagus on that top shelf," the girl said slowly. "I-I couldn't reach it."

"Oh…" Sam said lamely as Freddie reached up and handed her the asparagus. "My-My bad."

"See?" Freddie grinned as the girl hurried away. "I got nothing either."

"Well…maybe-maybe we should try another section of the store," Sam said.

"Yeah," Freddie nodded. "Or…hang on…Sam, doesn't-doesn't this seem maybe a bit ridiculous?"
Sam sighed. "Yeah…yeah, I-maybe."

"Look," Freddie said heavily. "I guess I did overreact a little earlier."

"And-And I guess I did too," Sam admitted. "I'm sorry."

"Me too," Freddie said, giving her a small smile. "Look…I-I think we just have to realize that-that well, you are a very attractive woman and, well, I'm not completely hideous, right?"
"Not completely," Sam said chuckled.

"Well…then-then it's normal that-that people might, you know, flirt with us or hit on us a little," Freddie shrugged. "I mean if either of us were single and saw someone we liked, wouldn't we do the same? And yeah, it might make us feel a little, well, flattered, to get some attention, but-but as long as we both shut it down right away and don't act on it, is-is there really much harm? I mean what are we supposed to do? Go out wearing burlap sacks or something?"

Sam nodded. "Yeah…yeah I guess it it's okay as long as neither of us does anything about it and we tell the people right away that we're taken. You can't stop them from noticing, right?"

"Right," Freddie agreed. "And trust me, it's not like I'd want to do anything with any of those girls either. You're the only one for me. Always."

"You're the only one for me too," Sam grinned, craning her neck to give him a long kiss. "Hey…let's get out of here. I still have a bucket of chicken at home."

"Right behind you," Freddie laughed. "Oh, wait! Carly!"

"Oh, right," Sam nodded. "She'd kill us if we left her in a grocery store…again."