On Hair Color
It was a perfect day for a hike. Which was good because hiking was the only thing to do.
Legolas was chatting with Eragon about elvish. Alyss was having an in depth discussion with Draco about death and Death Eaters and how they'd choose to die. All in all it was a good great gargantuan day. The Meaning of Life had never seemed closer to being attained and understood.
Legolas never knew what hit him.
"Ooomph." He stumbled into Eragon who had just opened his mouth to speak and walked into a spider-web. Alyss and Draco looked suspiciously about as if Death was making itself known prematurely.
A long screech erupted from the projectile which turned out to be a small dragon.
"Drogon!" A woman with purple eyes and silver hair emerged onto trail they had trampled into being. She turned and swiftly joined them. The dragon screeched again and clambered onto her shoulder.
The dragon glared at Legolas resentfully as though it were his fault for its crash.
"My apologies." The woman's businesslike tone left little room for any real warmth. "I am Daenerys Targaryen, the Unburnt, Khaleesi of the Great Grass Sea…"
The Authoress yawned and carefully edited out the rest.
After all the introductions were dispensed with along with several minutes of generic asking for directions…
"You are saying that a girl in a dark cloak with mystical powers, and a complete lack of dignity, has sent you on a mission to discover the Meaning of Life?" Daenerys sidestepped a spider-web to Eragon's disappointment. His attempts at communication with Drogon had failed miserably and his pride was sorely wounded.
"Exactly so." Alyss shrugged. "But we've more or less given up on accomplishing anything remotely useful. Eragon is the only one who wants to go back. I'm content for now, my husband will understand. Draco is happier, and Legolas is avoiding his life. What brings you here?"
"I'm actually looking for Drogon's siblings, Viserion and Rhaegal."
"There are more?" Draco burst out. He looked rather ill.
Alyss was the only one close enough to carry on a conversation with Daenerys. Drogon spat little globs of flame every time Legolas came near and Draco had pleaded exhaustion and fallen to the back of their little parade. Eragon kept trying to telepathically communicate.
The next few hours were spent quizzing Daenerys on her life and the land she came from while they looked for the other dragons.
"I don't suppose you've ever considered retiring to a small island and relaxing and enjoying life? Alyss asked drily after hearing about what felt like the thousandth recounting of Daenerys claiming some long lost right or burning something to a crisp a la Drogon.
Daenerys looked affronted. "The Seven Kingdoms are mine. Stolen from me by the Usurper. I will not be able to rest until I have taken back what is MINE." Her voice grew louder as she went on.
"What will you do when you've reclaimed the Seven Kingdoms?" Eragon asked. "What will your dragons do? None of the people from your lands seem like you'd be content to actually stop murdering each other and enjoy peace."
"I will rule."
Awkward silence followed this declaration.
"What are you planning to do to cultivate a prosperous trade within your Seven Kingdoms that you will have alienated and forcibly subdued?" Alyss asked. "What about taxes? Or are you hoping to storm this… Kings Landing without destroying it? You're going to need allies and funds for the mess you're going to create."
"I am the Blood of the Dragon. There are countless allies who whisper my name in secret and await my return." Daenerys pointed towards a scorched tree and they all changed direction.
"What is your understanding of the all the families? Understanding what each family wants and what they'll do to accomplish it will tell you a lot." Everyone turned to stare at Draco. He shrugged. "You're all from poor villages and such. I was born into wealthy society where your name and status mattered."
Legolas hummed.
Draco scowled. "You lived in a bunch of trees. You chose to go gallivanting off with smelly men and dwarves and rough it out in the wild. The greatest dispute you've faced was against a Dark Lord. We've all done that."
Eragon and Legolas looked uncomfortable.
Alyss said "But I told you he wasn't really a lord or dark at all! He was a nice man who liked the outdoors and magic tricks!" She turned to Daenerys, "Anyways Daenerys, it sounds like you don't have anything but your sparkling personality to carry you through."
"But I am of the House Targaryen. A great and noble house! My ancestors held the greatest power and brought about a golden age of peace!" The smell of burning was growing stronger.
"But if I'm being honest… It sounds like you aren't really wanted, great Targy House or not. I was in a great House at Hogwarts, but because of the perception every other House had of mine it was ten times harder to succeed." Draco started nervously as Drogon took off and wheeled away.
Legolas took on a kinder approach. "Daenerys, I have a friend who needed to reclaim his throne. He was unwilling and would have been content to live his days in the wild or with my people in a place of quiet and learning. But it was his responsibility and duty and he understood that. What responsibility or duty are you answering to other than pride?
"Eragon here has known kings and queens, great warriors and races hundreds of years old. He has been a teacher and leader in war and peace.
"Alyss is a courier in a realm where diplomacy is key to success. Her duty takes her all over the world where she must respect other nation's laws and cultures while protecting her own nation.
"Draco was born into a family of great standing and lived through a land under the rule of a tyrant."
Legolas raised a hand against Daenerys's protests. "They have all lived through war. I have seen many wars. I have seen hundreds of would be rulers and heroes strive for power. Strangely no one ever writes of their triumphs in peace time except in dusty ledgers in government books."
Eragon was kneeling by the roots of a tree, running a hand over them searchingly. "Perhaps you need to understand who you are now. Not as what you'd like to be. Where I come from we have something called 'True Names.' It is not a summary of who you are, it IS you. It contains your faults, your glories, anything from embarrassing moments to your greatest struggle. Only when you know your True Name do you know yourself."
"But I have told you all of my names." Daenerys looked puzzled. "They are me. They are my accomplishments and my deeds laid out clear and true."
Eragon shook his head. "You still do not understand."
"Perhaps you're destined to join us?" Alyss asked. "You could learn much and we would greatly enjoy a new perspective."
This would not do. The Authoress popped out from a tree. "Your dragons are that way Dany." She pointed in a direction that was the opposite of where she wanted the rest of the group to go.
"But that's the opposite of where we're headed!" Alyss sat down to work some grit out of her shoes. "I suppose we could keep going and you catch up. Or we could all double back…"
"No No NO she's not joining you. I just brought her here so I could give her a lecture through all of you. AND her hair is the wrong color. So there." The Authoress crossed her arms.
Eragon's moment of gravity became zero and floated away. "She gets to keep her real hair color but I don't?" THIS seemed an even greater injustice than being unable to communicate with Drogon who apparently wasn't even bonded to Daenerys. He kicked a rock. The rock was unimpressed.
"It's my insurance against you all adopting her. She's not blonde. So she has to go."
Three small shapes started spewing fire off in the distance. "THAT'S YOUR CUE."
And so it was that Daenerys Targaryen set off into the sunset with three dragons reclaimed and a lot to think about.
When they had made camp that night, the Blondes all conversed quietly on affairs of ruling and nobility.
The Authoress even came and taught them scrabble and had them pick letters out a bag to try and make sentences by chance. The closest she got to a proper sentence was "Wht S six tms seven" which pleased her a great deal and confused the rest of them.
The sun went down.
Author's Note:
FUN FACT: "Blond" usually describes fair haired men and "Blonde" describes fair haired women. Don't go back and reread this whole story and see if I checked each time I used the word.
Somehow this story has accumulated 28 reviews. This chapter is dedicated to all who have reviewed over the years. For the large portion of which who complained about Eragon being blond despite my explanations that this was part of the joke; for XxlighterrxX who mentioned Daenerys not being in the story (I really don't like Dany but the idea wouldn't go away); and for those reviewers who actually laughed and said they liked this story and made me get all mushy inside.
Every time I revisit this story a part of me dies inside at how bad it is. Every single time I remind myself this is my therapy dump bin. A three year gap between updates should be proof enough that this story has no purpose if I haven't already said it before.
I just read "The Restaurant at the End of the Universe" which is the sequel to "The Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy." The scrabble and the message are homage to that. If anyone is hoping for them to find the answer to the Meaning of Life, this brief scrabble session is probably the closest they'll ever get.
