Offensive
"Alright, so I will trade you three weeks of doing the dishes for one month of cleaning out the rain gutters," Freddie said as him and Sam sat in their living room together.
"No deal," Sam said, resting her head on her shoulder. "Now if you also take driving the kids to school and vacuuming, you've got a deal."
"But that's three chores for one!" Freddie frowned.
"Well why do you suddenly have such a huge problem cleaning the rain gutters anyway?" Sam asked. "You've doing them for years with no problem."
"I-I saw a giant spider up there last time," Freddie mumbled.
"Oh my God…" Sam said, rolling her eyes. "You're almost forty years old! It's time to man up!"
"You didn't see the size of the spider, Sam!" Freddie defended. "It was the size of my head!"
"Wow," Sam chuckled. "You do have an abnormally large head. But seriously…are you really going to make a whole thing out of this just because you're a whimp around bugs? I hate cleaning the gutters; that's why I made you do it in the first place!"
"I am not a whimp around bugs!" Freddie said. "I always kill cockroaches when they come around because you chicken out with them."
"I don't chicken out with them," Sam said.
"Last week you saw one when we were in the garage and you literally jumped into my arms," Freddie said.
"Well they're gross, okay?" Sam snapped.
"Oh, and spiders are right up there with puppies, aren't they?" Freddie retorted.
"Well they-"
"Mom," the couple's eleven-year old twins suddenly cut in, walking into the room. "We need to talk to you."
"You do?" Sam said.
"Uh-huh," Emma nodded. "It's important."
"Well what's up?" Sam asked.
"We-We sort of…Emma and I-we-we were talking," Ashton said. "And-And we decided that since we're maturing into young women now-"
"Oh no," Freddie moaned. "No…this can't be good."
"Shhh!" Sam hissed, swatting his shoulder. She turned back to the twins. "Okay, yeah…so you're becoming women-"
"Must you keep saying it?" Freddie exclaimed.
"We want bras," Emma finally said bluntly.
"B-Bras?" Freddie sputtered.
"Aw!" Sam smiled.
"Aw?" Freddie repeated. "Sam! They-They don't need bras!"
"Yes we do!" Ashton said. "We're eleven! And every other girl in school has one."
"Well we don't care what every other girl has," Freddie said firmly. "Right, Sam?"
"Well…Freddie, they-they are getting older," Sam said. "I mean they're hitting puberty and-"
"Ah!" Freddie yelled. "Stop!"
"Oh grow up," Sam said, rolling her eyes. "Are you really going to act like an idiot just because your daughters are growing into-"
"Can we stop saying it?" Freddie begged.
"Look," Sam said. "I think they're right. They should start wearing bras."
"Really?" Emma grinned.
"You mean it, mom?" Ashton said.
"Sure," Sam nodded. "I was around your age when I got my first bra."
"Alright, I don't want to hear that word anymore!" Freddie said, covering his ears and getting to his feet. "Sam…this is all your territory. But just-just keep me out of it!"
"No problem there," Sam mumbled.
"So we can really buy bras now?" Emma asked as Freddie hurried out of the room.
"Sure," Sam said. "In fact…I'm not doing anything right now. Let's go to the mall now! Oh…this is so exciting! You know, I didn't think I'd freak out like this when it came time to buy them for you guys, I figured that would be more of a Carly thing, but…oh, I just can't help it! You guys are getting so big and-"
"Mom…" Ashton mumbled, embarrassed.
"Right, right, I'm sorry," Sam said quickly. "But let's go! Wow…this is the most pumped up I've ever been about shopping."
….
"Alright," Sam said as she walked through the mall with the twins. "I know the perfect store for us to start at; they have a ton of choices. And after that I'll take you guys to Build-a-Bra! Aunt Carly and I used to go there all the time when we were younger; they have glow-in-the-dark straps and titanium hooks…it's great."
"Ash," Emma whispered as the girls followed their mother. "When are we going to tell her that we're too old to be shopping with out mom? I thought that was the whole plan!"
"It was," Ashton whispered back. "And-And we will…"
"So then tell mom we want to do this by ourselves," Emma told her.
"Why me?"
"Because you're the oldest!"
"Fine!" Ashton hissed. "But you owe me!" She cleared her throat. "Hey…mom?"
"Yeah?" Sam said brightly.
"Er, um…listen," Ashton said. "You know how you were talking earlier about how we're growing up and getting older and all that?"
"Uh-huh," Sam nodded.
"Well…that-that's all very true," Ashton said. "I mean we're eleven."
"Yes, practically adults," Sam smiled.
"Exactly!" Ashton nodded. "So-So that's why Emma and I…we-we were thinking that we-we'd sort of do this whole bra shopping thing on our own."
Sam's face fell. "On your own?"
"Um, yeah," Emma said. "See, it's just…well, kids our age really don't shop with their parents anymore."
"Right," Ashton agreed. "It-It kind of cramps the whole 'almost and adult' vibe."
"Oh…" Sam said. "Well, um-"
"No offense," Emma added quickly. "It's nothing personal"
"Yeah, it's not like we don't like hanging out with you," Ashton said. "We do! Just-Just not at the mall."
"Yeah, um, okay," Sam said. "Right, um…that-that's fine. I guess you two aren't little kids anymore. As-As long as the two of you stay together um, I guess you can pick out a few bras on your own."
She reached into her purse and pulled out a few bills. "Here, this should be enough. So, um, I-I'll just wait in the food court and you and you just find me when you're all done."
"Okay," Ashton said. "Thanks mom."
"Yeah, thanks," Emma said. "You're the best."
"Yeah, well," Sam said, giving them a small smile. "Just have fun. I'll see you in a little while."
"Aw…she looked sort of sad," Ashton sighed as Sam turned and walked off.
"I know," Emma mumbled guiltily. "But-But we couldn't be seen shopping with our mom. What if we ran into people from school? We'd be known as-as the kids who shop with their mom!"
"I know," Ashton said. "Well…at least she seemed to understand…kind of."
"Yeah," Emma said softly. "But…come one! We've got money to buy bras; how exciting is that! We-We'll make it up to mom later, but let's not mope around for this!"
"You're right," Ashton nodded. "This is super exciting. So where should we start? Which stores sell bras?"
"Um…maybe that department store there?" Emma shrugged, nodding at the large store a few yards away.
"Oh yeah! I've seen a whole section for bras in there!" Ashton said. "Let's go!"
The girls hurried into the store and quickly found the bra department towards the back.
"Whoa, this is bigger then I thought," Emma said, looking around at all the hangers. "Who knew stores stocked so many bras."
"This one looks okay," Ashton said, holding up a plain white bra. "Doesn't it?"
"I guess…" Emma frowned. "Do we have to try them on though?"
"I don't think I even know how to try it on," Ashton commented, examining the hooks and straps. "Are all bras this complicated looking?"
"Well…okay, this one has the little hook thingys in the back," Emma said, going through the racks. "But this one has it in the front. Is that better?"
"How should I know?" Ashton said. "Wait…how come this one three hooks but this one has four?"
"And this one doesn't even have any straps!"
"Well this one's straps are all crisscrossed!"
"Okay, maybe-maybe we should each just get a variety," Emma suggested. "That way we're bound to get one that works. Mom did give us enough money to buy a few each."
"That sounds good," Ashton said. "But…wait…which-which size do we get?"
"Size?" Emma frowned. "What do you mean; just get size we get for shirts and stuff."
"But look, these all have weird sizes," Ashton said. "See, this one says 34B, but this one says 32A."
"What does that even mean?" Emma said.
"I don't know!" Ashton said. "Maybe-Maybe it's like grades? A's the best and D's the worst?"
"But then what's the number part for?"
Ashton sighed. "Em…we don't know what we're doing, do we?"
"Not really," Emma replied heavily.
"Maybe-Maybe we can't do this on our own," Ashton mumbled. "Maybe we're not as adult about this as we thought."
Just then a young girl around their age stepped over to the bra section, accompanied by her own mother.
Emma and Ashton each gave each other a knowing look.
"We need mom," Emma said.
"Oh yeah," Ashton nodded.
…
Sam sat alone in the middle of the food court, ripping her churro into small pieces absentmindedly.
Well it's official…I'm apparently just as humiliating of a parent to be seen with as Frednub, she thought sadly to herself. And here I was all these years thinking I was the 'cool parent'.
She let out a sad sigh. Whatever…it's no big deal. So my daughters kicked me out of one of the biggest moments of their lives...so what? It's fine. It's just bras after all. Totally not a huge a thing…I'm not missing anything.
Still, though, she couldn't help but think back to a few months ago, when Carly had told her about how she had just gone shopping with Clarissa to pick out her first bras, and how fun and memorable the whole experience had been.
Maybe I should stop picking on Freddie every time he freaks out about the kids growing up, Sam thought. Because it does kind of suck.
"Mom?"
Sam looked up and saw Emma and Ashton approaching.
"Hey," Sam said, sitting up. "You're back already? I thought you'd be at least another hour. Did you find everything okay? Wait…where are your bags?"
"We-We sort of-We had no clue what were doing," Emma admitted.
"Yeah," Ashton nodded. "I mean bra shopping is kind of confusing. There's letters and numbers and weird strap things going on…it's crazy!"
"So, um, we-we were wondering if-if maybe you'd-you'd want to go back to the store with us and help us?" Emma said.
"You want me to shop with you?" Sam said. "And, you know, be seen with you? I-I wouldn't embarrass you?"
"No," Ashton smiled. "You wouldn't."
"We really need you, mom," Emma added. "Besides…you never embarrass us. Well, okay, I guess maybe occasionally, but-but it's not like we don't want to be seen with you. You're our mom!"
"Yeah, we love you," Ashton said.
"Aw, girls, that's so sweet," Sam said, getting to her feet. She held out her arms and hugged them both. "I love you too. Okay, well, let's go get you those bras!"
…
"We're back!" Sam announced several hours later as her and the twins entered the Benson house, the girls each carrying a large bag.
"We're gonna go put these on now!" Emma said excitedly.
"Yeah, I can't wait to see what they look like with all my clothes!" Ashton grinned as her and Emma ran past Freddie up to their rooms.
"Well," Freddie said. "Did you have a good time ruining my little girls?"
"Freddie, they had to get bras eventually," Sam said, rolling her eyes. "It's just a normal thing. It doesn't change anything really."
"But-ugh, they're-they just growing up!" Freddie moaned.
"Yeah, it's tough," Sam said, giving him a small kiss. "But really, baby, don't worry about the bras, okay? They just got a few little training ones. Neither of them would even fill out an A cup yet. And I kept them out of Schneider's Secret."
"Good," Freddie said. "They aren't allowed to step foot in that store until after my funeral!"
"Deal," Sam chuckled.
