Purge

"You know, I always though second honeymoons were supposed to take place like, twenty years after the first one," Freddie said as he drove him and Sam down an empty state road in the middle of nowhere. "But you were right, baby. Taking one six months after our first one was still super fun."

"Told you," Sam smirked, her feet kicked up on the dashboard. "Hey, we have anymore snacks? Mama's starving."

"I think we're out, actually," Freddie replied. "You ate the last bag of potato chips an hour ago."

"But I'm starving!" Sam moaned.

"Relax, next service plaza we pass, we'll stop and pick up lunch," Freddie told her.

"Dude, look around!" Sam said. "We're in the middle of nothing because you had to take a shortcut! We're not going to find a service plaza for hours, and by them my stomach will have collapsed!"

"Okay, one…dramatic," Freddie said, rolling his eyes. "And two…this is a shortcut! Another ten minutes on this road and we'll at the highway we weren't scheduled to get to until three this afternoon."

"You said that ages ago," Sam said. "Can you just admit we're lost? I didn't care so much when I though there was at least food in the car, but now that we're just going to wither away to nothing, can you pull over and reset the GPS?"

"Sam, I'm telling you, I know where we're going," Freddie said. "Can you have a little faith in your husband?"

"I need a full stomach to have faith in you!" Sam snapped. "Oh! Oh look; there's finally a store! We can go in there to buy food!"

She pointed out the window at an approaching shop that looked worn-down and abandoned. There was a small farm a short distance behind it, and there were several chickens running around the area.

"It's an old-timey convenience store," Sam said. "Go on…stop!"

"Sam, doesn't that place look a little…dingy?" Freddie frowned.

"I don't care how dingy it looks, as long as it sells jerky," Sam said. "Stop being a snob and let's go in!"

"Alright, alright!" Freddie sighed, pulling the car over in front of the store. "But if I get some weird disease from in there, you're explaining it to my mother."

The couple hopped out of the car and stepped into the cluttered store.

The owner, who was dozing off behind the counter, jumped at the sound of customers entering.

"Whoa…people!" he beamed, giving them a toothy grin.

"Er, hello," Freddie said reluctantly. "Um, my wife and I were just wondering if we could pick up some snacks here. We were driving and got hungry."

"Yeah, yeah I got snacks!" the man nodded, clearly excited to finally have a customer. "I gots bubble gum and cracker jacks and-"

"You got any jerky?" Sam asked. "Or maybe some barbecue chips?"

"Oh yes, yes, I've got a ton of jerky!" the man said. "I make it all here myself."

"Um…you-you wouldn't happen to have your FDA approval form for that handy, would you?" Freddie asked.

"Dude, man up," Sam said, rolling her eyes. "We'll take some jerky."

"Great!" the man said. "I've got beef jerky, pork jerky, chicken jerky, turkey jerk, horse jerky-"

"Horse jerky?" Freddie cringed.

"Um, we'll just stick with the beef jerky," Sam said quickly. "Let's see, and I guess I could go for some of that bubble gum too, and do you have-"

Suddenly, there was a loud squeal from the side of the counter.

"Hold on," the man groaned, stepping out from behind the register and stepping over to a small playpen that housed a baby pig. "This dang creature never shuts up. Stupid runt!"

He kicked the side of the playpen. "This is why you got kicked out of your litter!"

The pig squealed louder in fright.

"Hey, what are you doing?" Sam frowned.

"Lousy thing has been bugging me for days," the man mumbled. "He was the runt of his litter so his mama kicked him out which means I got stuck with the worthless thing. All it does is whine and whine and whine. It's sickening."

"Well maybe he's hungry," Sam said. "You don't have any food in there for him!"

"He don't deserve no food until he shuts up!" the man said, giving the pen another kick, causing the poor pig to shake.

"Um, alright," Freddie said quickly. "Can-Can we just get our jerky and go?"

"Yeah, here you go," the man nodded, reaching up on a shelf and pulling down several packs of the jerky. "That will be-"

"So hold on," Sam said. "Are you telling me you're just going to keep kicking and starving and yelling at this pig until he stops crying? That's animal abuse!"

"Sam, um, maybe this isn't the time to get all political," Freddie whispered.

"Look, ma'am, I love animals; that's why I got a farm out back," the man said. "But this thing is nothing but a waste of space. He's ugly, he's small; heck he wouldn't even make a decent ham. That's why tonight I'm gonna bring him out back and take care of him once and for all."

"You mean you're gonna kill him?" Sam exclaimed. "He's just a baby!"

"Better to do it while they're young," the man said. He looked back down at the pig. "Besides," he sneered. "That thing's not bright enough to know what's going on anyway."

"Well…okay then, "Freddie said, clearing his throat as he pulled out his wallet. "We'd really just like to pay for all this and-"

"Hey, um, what-what kind of food do you feed your other pigs?" Sam cut him off.

"What?" the man frowned.

"Yeah, I-I have a cousin who has a farm too," Sam said. "I'm just curious if you use the same brand as him."

"Well I make the food for the good pigs on my own," the man replied, casting another glare over at the whimpering piglet. "It's my grandpa's special recipie. I can show you if you like; let me just go grab a container from the barn."

"Sure," Sam smiled. "Take your time."

Once the man had hurried off, Sam ran over to the pen.

"What are you doing?" Freddie asked. "You don't have a cousin that has a farm."

"I had to get that jerk out of here!" Sam whispered, bending down and scooping the pig up into her arms. "Now let's go!"

"What? Are you-Sam!" Freddie hissed. "You can't steal that pig!"

"Freddie, you heard that guy!" Sam said. "He's going to kill this poor little thing just because he's the runt of the litter! And I bet he's done the same thing to a whole bunch of other animals; you saw the way he kicked him. And he's starving him! Not-Not my definition of starving, but really starving!"

"Okay, Sam, I-I know this guy's being a little…hostile and cruel towards the pig, but-but we still can't just take him!" Freddie said. "That's theft!"

"No, it's a rescue mission," Sam said. "Baby…we can't just leave him!"

Freddie let out a breath as Sam looked up at him with the expression that usually got her whatever she wanted from him.

"Come on," Sam said, hugging the piglet close to her. "Have a heart."

"I-I-Fine!" Freddie finally conceded as Sam continued to pout. "But…hurry up! And you better hold that thing on your lap the rest of the way home!"

"I will!" Sam said, leaning up to give him a quick kiss. "You're the best!"

Freddie tossed some money down on the counter, gathered up the jerky, and the two sprinted out to the car.

"Well, guess you've rubbed off on me," Freddie mumbled as he started the car and quickly pulled away from the shop. "I'm now a felon."

"Freddie, come on, you're a hero!" Sam said. "You saved this sweet piglet! See, look how much happier he looks already."

She happily scratched the piglet behind its ear as she reached into her bag and pulled out a bag of cereal and started to feed it.

"So you had food all along and you still made me stop?" Freddie frowned.

"Well this is my emergency stash," Sam said. "I didn't want to waste it. And Curly really seems to like it."
"Curly?" Freddie repeated. "Aw, don't name it. It's gonna be that much harder when you have to give it up when we get home."
"Give it up?" Sam cried. "Why would I do that?"

"Well…Sam, you-you can't seriously think we'd keep this thing," Freddie said. "You already did a really good deed by rescuing it, I'll give you that, but-but we can't keep it in our home."

"I let your mom stay with us when her carpets were getting steamed."

"Sam!"

"But-But what else would we do with him?" Sam asked.

"Well when we get back, we-we'll call animal services or something," Freddie said. "They'll take him."

"Yeah, to a slaughterhouse!" Sam snapped. "He'd be turned into bacon or ribs or-"

"Okay…are you objecting to there being more pork in the world for you to eat?" Freddie asked, somewhat amused.

"I'd never eat Curly!" Sam gasped. "How dare you!"

"Sam, you literally eat five pounds of bacon a week," Freddie said. "Why the sudden desire to be an animal activist?"

"Well I don't have to see the pigs before they turn into my food," Sam said. "But-But look how innocent Curly is. He can't be eaten. He-He just can't be."

"Look Sam, I-I'm sorry, but we can't keep a pig," Freddie said firmly. "We live in a tiny, one-bedroom apartment. We don't even have a yard!"

"We have that giant field area behind the building!" Sam pointed out. "And-And I'll train him to use a litter box inside; I did it for Frothy."

"Okay, but-but Sam, it's just not a good idea," Freddie said heavily. "I mean yeah, he-he may be manageable now when he's a piglet, but he's going to get bigger! Pigs weren't meant to be kept indoors."

"There's people who have pigs as pets," Sam said.

"Yeah…people who live on farms," Freddie said. "Baby, I really am sorry, but when we get back to Seattle…he's got to go."

"So what? We rescued him from that horrible place just so we can send him some place even worse?" Sam cried.

Freddie glanced over at his wife and saw that her eyes were filled with compassion; a look that few knew she was even capable of possessing.

He sighed. "Okay…we-we still can't keep him. But…maybe he can stay at the apartment for a few days while we try to find him someplace nice for him to go. Not a slaughterhouse; maybe-maybe a petting zoo or something like that. Does that sound reasonable?"

Sam glanced down at the sleeping piglet on her lap. "I-I guess…"

"Good," Freddie said. He glanced down at the pig. "I just hope that guy doesn't come looking for us…we did steal his pig. He could technically call the cops on us."

"Not if I call them on him first," Sam said simply, pulling out her phone.

"What the-Sam! Sam, what are you doing?" Freddie frowned. "Are you trying to get arrested?"

"What that guy was doing back there was animal abuse," Sam said. "And I don't care what kind of fancy food he's feeding the rest of the animals back there; he might be treating them all just as bad as he was treating Curly. So I'm going to tell the cops to go and check the place out."
"Let me get this straight…" Freddie said, shaking his head. "You steal a pig…and then call the cops on the guy who you stole it from?"

"Uh-huh. Is that a problem?"

"No…you're-you're just really something," Freddie said, giving her a small smile. "Seriously though…I never knew you had such a soft spot for animals. You-You're not about to become a vegetarian on me, are you?"

"Never," Sam promised.

Freddie chuckled to himself.

"What?"

"Nothing," Freddie grinned. "Just realizing all the irony floating around this car."

….

"Hey, I'm so glad you guys are finally back!" Carly said happily the next day as she let herself into Sam and Freddie's apartment. "It's boring around here without you guys. The only people left to hang out with were Gibby and Spencer, and that was-"

She was cut off, though, as Curly the pig scurried over to and began sniffing her leather boots with his tiny snout.

"Um….what?" Carly frowned as Sam ran in after the pig.

"Curly! No honey, you have to finish your lunch," Sam said, scooping up the pig. "Then you can sniff Aunt Carly's shoes."

"When did I become an aunt?" Carly asked. "And when did you get a pig?"

"We don't have a pig," Freddie said firmly, coming into the room carrying a pair of his shoes. "We're temporarily housing a pig."

"Again…what?"

"It's a long story," Freddie sighed. He turned to Sam. "And will you look at what that thing left in my shoes?"
"That thing is named Curly," Sam said simply.

"Well look what Curly left in my shoes!" Freddie exclaimed. "I thought you said you'd teach him to use a litter box!"

"Well that takes time, he's only been here one day," Sam said. "Besides, those shoes were kind of ugly."

"You told me they looked nice!"

"I tell you a lot of things," Sam shrugged.

"Okay, I'm more confused about what's going on here than usual," Carly said. "Seriously, what's with the pig?"
"Sam decided to be a hero on our way back from our trip yesterday and rescue him," Freddie said, rolling his eyes.

"Yeah, you should've seen the way this scuzzbag farmer was treating him!" Sam said. "Just because he was the runt of his litter. He was going to murder him. So yeah, I saved him! And then Fredbag over here wanted to just bring him to a slaughterhouse. Do you know what they do to animals there?"

"Um…turn them into your afternoon snack?" Carly said.

"Yes!" Sam nodded. "So now little Curly is staying with us."

"Only until we can find somewhere else for him to go!" Freddie reminded her. "Don't think he's going to be our new little pet, Sam."

"Well how has he been here so far?" Carly asked, setting her purse down.

"Horrible!" Freddie said before Sam could respond. "You know how much work it is to chase after this thing? He's already chewed up two couch cushions, my Hard Drives Weekly, and the electric bill! Plus he was up the whole night squealing! And all he does is make a mess! Look at this place!"

"Baby, he's just getting used to it around here," Sam defended, setting Curly down. "Come on, it's not that bad."

"Did you not see my shoes?"

"Well…okay, what are you going to do when one day our future child is a toddler running around the place messing everything up?" Sam said. "Are you just gonna wanna toss the kid out?"

"I think our child is a little different from a pig!" Freddie retorted.

"Well you-"

"Hey!" Carly cried, grabbing her purse up off the ground where Curly had just been chewing on the corner. "That's my Italian leather handbag!"

"You see!" Freddie said triumphantly. "This pig is a nuisance!"

"Well he doesn't know any better; he's a baby!" Sam said as she picked Curly back up. "You have to be patient!"

"Okay…this is officially too weird," Carly said, shaking her head. "First you, who actually wore a pair of bacon earrings in high school, is suddenly a pig advocate, and now you're telling Freddie to be patient?"

"I'm not a pig advocate," Sam said. "I'm just Curly's advocate."

"Still…kind of weird," Carly smirked. "Maybe it's because you're about to be turning twenty-four. Speaking of which, did you ever figure out what you wanna do for your birthday next week?"

"Eh, I don't care," Sam shrugged. "Twenty-four isn't exactly a huge birthday. I'm fine just staying in and ordering pizza."

"Well good; it's not like we could go anywhere as long as that pig's here," Freddie mumbled. "I'd hate to see what he does to the place when we leave him alone."

"See, this attitude is exactly why I'm his favorite," Sam said.

"Alright, well, I can see I've walked in on a bigger crazy session than usual," Carly said. "So I'm gonna go…Oh! Before I forget…Sam, one of the guys Spencer sold a sculpture to last week sent him this really nice gift basket and it had some packs of the Bolivian bacon in it that you like so he sent some over for you."
She reached into her bag and handed Sam the meat.

"Carly!" Sam gasped, quickly shielding Curly. "Are you insane? You can't just wave that stuff under Curly's nose like that!"

"Whoa," Carly said, turning to Freddie. "This is the first reaction to bacon I've seen from her that doesn't involve salivating. So is she like not gonna eat bacon or ham or anything anymore?"

"No, I'll still eat it," Sam said. "But only in the garage. And after I do, I run upstairs and take a shower before I get near Curly again. It's only right of me. Now, I'm gonna go and finish feeding Curly his lunch. Fredbag…take that bacon out to the fridge in the garage and then shower off the scent."

As Sam disappeared into the kitchen, Carly gave Freddie a strange, confused look.

"I know," Freddie sighed.

"How knew someone who can eat their wait in pork chops could have such a soft spot for a piglet," Carly chuckled. "Good luck with that thing, though."

"Thanks," Freddie mumbled. "I'm gonna need it. Hey…any chance you might want to do a little pig sitting or-"

"Absolutely not."

….

"So," Freddie said as walked into the kitchen several mornings later, where his wife was feeding Curly out of a tiny baby bottle. "What will you be doing today on your last day of being twenty-three?"

"I dunno," Sam shrugged. "I was gonna take Curly for a little walk and then maybe go to the pet store to buy him some toys."
Freddie frowned. "Uh-huh…and how goes the search for finding him a permanent home?"
"Well…"

"You haven't even looked, have you?" Freddie said knowingly.

"Um…"

"Sam!" Freddie moaned. "Come on; he's been here almost a whole week!"

"Well every place I've found so far seems just as bad as the farm!" Sam said. "Petting zoos are filled with screaming kids who will stick their boogers all over him; the animal shelter seems like a nightmare and this couple I found online who posted an add looking for a pig look like a couple of freaks! I just want to make sure he goes to a good home!"

"I know that," Freddie said. "But…Sam, he-he is just a pig. You don't have to find a perfect place."

"He's not just a pig!" Sam snapped angrily. "He's-He's special!"

"Special?" Freddie scoffed.

"Yes!" Sam nodded. "Of course you wouldn't know because you've just been hating on him ever since he got here. But he's really sweet. And-And he likes your toes in the cutest way and he likes to cuddle when you watch T.V. and he totally scared away this giant possum when I took him out to pee last night."

"He also destroyed our apartment!"

"I told you, I'll clean everything up!" Sam said.

"Ha!"

"Okay, so-so he's not perfect yet!" Sam said. "But he's getting there! I'm sorry he's not some super genius pig that just sits in the corner and stares at the wall-"

"I don't think a genius pig would-"

"-But he still matters to me!" Sam continued. "And-And I'm not going to just ship him away someplace that won't take care of him because it's convenient!"
Freddie sighed. "Sam, I know you care about Curly. But-"

"I'm taking him out for that walk," Sam mumbled, getting to her feet. "I'll see you later."

As she left the apartment, Freddie let out a long, frustrated groan as he slid down into his seat. He looked around the room, spotting the small litter box with Curly's name already painted on by Sam, the various squeak toys and baby blankets, and Sam's favorite pair of shoes that she had sacrificed to Curly as a source of entertainment.

"She really loves that pig," Freddie muttered. After all, he had never seen Sam take such responsibility for something in his life.

He continued to sit there for a moment, deep in thought, until he finally banged his fist down on the table. "Dang it, Sam!" he said aloud, pushing his chair back as he got up. He grabbed his keys and his coat and headed out the door, on his way to the nearest pet shop.

….

"Well this is a first," Freddie yawned the next morning as he stepped out into the living room, where Sam was already up, carefully watching as Curly chewed on one of his toys. "You're up before noon on your birthday…thought this was the day you tried to beat your personal sleeping record each year."

"Well Curly was hungry," Sam shrugged as Freddie sat down next to her.

He wrapped his arms around her and kissed her deeply. "Happy birthday, baby."

"Thanks," Sam said, giving him a small smile.

"Um, listen," Freddie said, clearing his throat. "About all that stuff I said about Curly yesterday…I'm sorry. I didn't mean to come off as an insensitive jerk or anything."
"It's alright," Sam sighed. "Um, and-and I did a little more research on-on places where we can take Curly. I found this farm up in Canada that actually looks somewhat decent. Maybe we can check it out this weekend and-and see if…"

Her sentence trailed off as she glanced sadly down at Curly.

Freddie gave her a soft peck on her cheek before reaching behind the couch and picking up a small bag. "Well…here. Maybe this birthday present will cheer you up."

"What is it?" Sam asked.

"Baby, it's a birthday present," Freddie chuckled. "To find out what it is, you'd typically open it."

Sam rolled her eyes as she opened up the bag and pulled out a small collar with the name 'Curly' engraved on it.

"What's this?" Sam frowned.

"A collar," Freddie replied. "For Curly."

"Well…yeah, I-I got that," Sam said. "But why does he need it?"
"Well, the rule in Seattle is that all pets need to have either that little microchip thingy implanted in them or a collar on at all times," Freddie said. "And as someone personally against implanting microchips in living things after my mom did it to me, I figured this was the best option."

"But-But why does it matter what the pet law is?" Sam asked.

"Um…because Curly's our pet," Freddie said as though it was obvious. "Come on, Sam, keep up."

"Wait, are-are you serious?" Sam asked, her face slowly lighting up. "We-You-You're cool with us keeping Curly? Like, for good?"

"Well, what can I say?" Freddie grinned. "The little guy has sort of grown on me this past week. So…yeah, what the heck? We can keep him."
"Oh my God, baby!" Sam exclaimed, jumping up and throwing her arms around her husband. "Thank you! This is the best present ever! I-I can't believe this! Curly, did you hear daddy? You get to stay with us!"

"I'm his daddy?" Freddie said, amused.

"Well duh, if I'm his mom, what's that make you?" Sam said.

"Huh…I guess you're right," Freddie said. "Wow…looks like we've got ourselves our own little bundle of joy."

One year later

"I'm telling you, I'm thinking of entering him in a dog show or something," Freddie said proudly to Carly. "Watch. Curly…sit!"

The pig obediently sat down by Freddie's feet.

"Wow, impressive!" Carly grinned as Freddie gave Curly a small treat. "Sam was really right…once you got him trained he really turned into a great pet."

"Yup," Freddie said, kneeling down to pet the pig. "He's trained real well now. Good thing too…could you imagine having him running around wild now? It'd be chaos in the place!"

"I heard somebody say I was right about something," Sam said as she waddled into the room. "By the way, Benson, this kid has been moving and kicking like crazy since I got up this morning."

"That's just because it's getting close to the due date," Freddie told her, leaning down to give her a quick kiss as he put a hand on his wife's swollen abdomen. "Sit down and relax."

"Hey, I was at the pet store earlier and I picked Curly up the cutest new water dish," Carly said as Sam sat down on the couch and kicked her feet up on the coffee table. "I set it up in the kitchen for him.

"Jeez, Carls, you gonna spoil this kid like you spoil Curly?" Sam smirked as Freddie set the pig up on the couch next to her. "I can't believe for the first six months you hated the little guy."
"Well that's only because he chewed up my leather jacket sleeve," Carly chuckled. "Now he's alright."

"Man," Sam said, fidgeting in her seat. "This kid is really going at it today. It's like there's a soccer match in there! And it's like my bladder's the soccer ball…I've got to pee again!"

"That's like the ninth time today," Freddie said, amused as he helped his wife up. "And it's not even noon."

"Yeah, it's hysterical!" Sam snapped. "You know, I'd like to see you-"

She stopped though, as her eyes suddenly widened.

"Sam?" Freddie frowned.

"Are you okay?' Carly asked, concerned.

"My-My water just broke," Sam said slowly. "The-The baby's coming. Now!"

"Are you sure?" Freddie exclaimed anxiously.

"Yes!" Sam said loudly, gripping the back of the couch as a contraction rippled though her body. "Ow! Holy chiz, that hurts!"
"Freddie, we-we've got to get her to the hospital!" Carly said. "Sam, where's that bag I helped you pack last week?"

"In the bedroom!" Sam gasped as Freddie quickly put his arms around her to help her stand. "Ow!"

"It's okay, it's okay," Freddie said desperately.

Sam felt something brush up against her leg, and she looked down to see Curly rubbing against her calve, almost as if he was trying to comfort her.

"Looks like you're not gonna be the only handful in this house anymore," Sam said, managing a small smile.

"He's so perfect," Carly whispered several days later as she sat with Sam and Freddie on their couch. Sam was holding a small bundle of blankets in her arm and smiling down at it lovingly.

"Yeah," Sam nodded, placing a small kiss on her sleeping son's forehead. "He really is."

"I just can't stop looking at him," Freddie said softly. "I know he's just sleeping right now but…wow. This is our son, Sam."

"I know, I was there for the birth," Sam smirked.

Freddie reached over and gently stroked the child's light, blonde hair. "We should start looking for a bigger place soon. He's going to need a proper nursery eventually. Plus once he gets older he'll want more room to run around. I'm thinking we try to find a nice little house with a yard so we can build a swing set or something for him."
"Hmm, a yard?" Sam said. "He won't be the only one to like that; Curly would love to have a yard to run around in. Hey, speaking of which, where is Curly?"

"Probably sleeping," Freddie said.

"How's Curly getting adjusted to having to share your attention?" Carly asked.

"I think he'll be fine," Freddie said. "Jason's crying might be keeping up at night, though."

"He'll probably like it more once Jason's old enough to play with him," Sam said.

Just then Curly himself hurried into the room, one of the light blue baby blankets that he would cuddle with at night draped over his back. He climbed up on the couch and dumped the blanket into Sam's lap before quickly jumping off again.

"Hey there, Curly," Freddie smiled.

"Aw, Freddie, he gave Jason his favorite blanket!" Sam said. "Isn't that sweet?"

"Yeah," Freddie laughed, picking up Curly and letting him sit on his lap. "I mean obviously we'll have to wash it half-a-dozen times…"
"Obviously," Sam agreed just as Jason blinked open his dark, brown eyes. "Oh…and look who's up. Hey, Jason, wanna say hi to Curly?"

She carefully adjusted the child in her arms so he'd have a better view of the pig in Freddie's arms. "You two will have a lot of fun together, you know."

"You'll both drive us crazy, I bet," Freddie laughed. "But it's definitely going to be something…"