Booklets
"Hi daddy!" five-year old Tyler greeted his father as him and Sam walked into the house.
"Hey," Freddie smiled at his son. "Did you have fun with mommy at the dentist?"
"No, I hate it there," Tyler replied simply.
"It took him an hour to sit in the chair," Sam sighed, sitting down next to Freddie on the couch and kicking her feet up on the table. "And then he kept trying to bite the dentist and screamed every time they'd try to use that little plaque scraping thing."
"Well gee, I wonder where he got that from," Freddie smirked.
"I don't ever have to go back there though, right?" Tyler asked.
"Um…we'll talk in six months," Sam said. "Go play, honey."
"Alright," Tyler said happily.
"I take it you had a pleasant afternoon then," Freddie said as he looked down at the book in his hands.
"You're taking him next time," Sam said firmly. "I don't get it…the other three are fine with the dentist!
"Fine, I know how to deal with difficult people at the dentist anyway," Freddie said. "I take you after all."
Sam glared at him. "Alright. For that little comment you can take them all to the doctors next month too."
"But you are-"
"Dude…"
"Shutting up," Freddie sighed.
"So what are you reading?" Sam asked.
"Oh, it's this book I picked up the other day," Freddie said, holding it up so he could show Sam the title. "Everything you Need to Know About Talking to Your Child About the Birds and the Bees. Jason's thirteen now, and it is the time when a lot of questions start popping up. I think having The Talk is probably the right move right now."
"Yeah, good thinking," Sam nodded. "Especially since I saw the way he was looking at those stupid models in that fashion show Carly was watching over here. So this book tells you exactly what to say?"
"Yeah, it has diagrams, facts, statistics…I've been reading it all morning and I think I've got it all down pact. Wanna take a look so we'll both be on the same page when we go up there to talk to him?"
"Um…what?" Sam frowned. "We?"
"Well, yeah," Freddie nodded. "He's your son too."
"Yeah, but…I thought we were gonna keep up the same arrangement we did when we were potty training all of them!" Sam said. "I take the girls, you do the boys!"
"Come on Sam, this is important," Freddie said. "We can't cut corners when it comes to this. We both need to be involved."
"Oh, like you're really gonna wanna be there to talk to Emma and Ashton about their changing bodies," Sam said, rolling her eyes.
"Well, um…okay, but-but it's not fair!" Freddie said. "By the time Emma and Ashton get the talk we'll have already gone through it with Jason and you'll know what to do! This is completely new territory for me! Look, just-just help me with Jason and then when it's Tyler's turn I'll handle it myself. Besides, the book says it's important for both parents to be involved in discussion!"
"But I don't even know about that stuff!" Sam moaned.
"Hence, the book!"
"But…come on, how awkward will that be?" Sam said. "You talking to the poor kid about sex will be weird enough for him. He's not gonna want his mom there. It's gonna mess him up!"
"My mom gave me the talk and I turned out fine in that department, didn't I?" Freddie pointed out.
"Eh, debatable," Sam shrugged.
"What?"
"I'm kidding, relax!" Sam said quickly. "I just really don't want to do this. I don't like the idea of my sweet, little son running around with hormones and facial hair and…all that other stuff."
"Sam, I know it's tough seeing him grow up, but it's unavoidable," Freddie reasoned. "Now we can either try to deny that, or we can work together to make sure he grows up into a model adult. And to do that we need to make sure that he's informed. Sam, if we don't have this talk with him properly, he could wind up getting himself into serious trouble! He needs to have the facts."
Sam let out a groan. "Fine! We'll have The Talk with him. But you're doing most of the talking!"
"Alright," Freddie said. "That's fair."
"First I have to deal with a tantrum at the dentist's office, now this," Sam mumbled. "You better not ask me to do anything for the rest of the week."
…..
"Okay," Freddie said to Sam, tucking his book underneath his arm as they stood outside of Jason's door. "Are we ready?"
"I guess," Sam mumbled. "Even though I really don't want to."
"It will be fine," Freddie said, knocking at the door.
"Come in," the thirteen-year old answered.
Freddie pushed open the door and him and Sam stepped inside Jason's bedroom. Jason was sitting at his desk playing a computer game.
"Hey, Jason," Freddie smiled. "What are you up to?"
"Playing this new game Uncle Spencer got me," he replied. "It's called Mummy Invasion."
"Ah, well, that sounds fun," Freddie said. "But listen, you mom and I want to have a little, um, talk with you, so do you think you can pause that?"
"Um yeah, I guess," Jason said slowly, putting down his controller. "But am I in trouble?"
"No!" Sam said quickly. "But, well…see, you're getting older and, um…ugh, I can't do it. Take it, Fredbag."
"Alright, Jason, what your mom was saying," Freddie said, rolling his eyes at his wife. "You're thirteen now. And, well, that's a confusing time for a kid. Your, um, body is changing and your, um, starting to get hair places, and…hold on…"
He quickly opened up the book and flipped through the pages. "Urges!" he said. "Yeah, you're gonna be getting urges."
"Oh my God…" Sam mumbled.
"Is this the sex talk?" Jason asked, giving his father a strange look. "Because they taught us everything at school already."
"Great!" Sam said. "Look at that! That place finally did something useful for me! Alright, Fredbag, let's go and we can all try to forget that-"
"Sam!" Freddie hissed. He turned back to Jason. "I know you've learned this stuff at school, but it's still important for us to have this conversation."
"It is?" Jason moaned.
"I feel you, kid," Sam sighed.
"Guys, come on!" Freddie said. "This doesn't have to be some big awkward thing! Look, Jason, your mom and I just want to make sure you have all the facts. Sex and puberty and all this stuff is a major part of your life! Now then, I have this book that you can have, and I also picked up lots of booklets and pamphlets for you to look through."
"Thanks," Jason muttered, snatching the papers, his face just as red as Sam's.
"So…I think the first thing we should start off with is any questions you may have," Freddie said. "So go ahead; we're open books."
"I-I don't know," Jason said, looking intently down at the floor.
"Come on, we're not going to judge you," Freddie assured him. "You must have some questions. Well…alright, this book lists some of the most common questions kids your age have, so we'll just use it as a guide until you figure out your own."
He opened up the book to the last page. "Alright…here's a good question! 'At what age should you start having sex?'"
"Stop!" Sam begged. She turned to Jason. "Alright here's the deal. You can do that when you're way, way, way older. Like when you're forty."
"Sam," Freddie sighed. He looked at Jason. "Well, you're mom's definitely right; you need to be older. But the most important thing you need to look at when you're in this situation is whether or not you love the person who you would be doing it with."
He smiled up at Sam. "See? Now that's an answer."
"You just read that straight out of the book!" Sam snapped
"Well how am I supposed to know I love someone," Jason asked.
"Hmm? Oh," Freddie said, looking through the book. "Well, um…huh, what do you know. This book doesn't say anything about that. Okay, no problem…well, um, see-see love is a very tricky emotion. You-You can think you love someone…but then it can turn out you don't…but-but sometimes you just love certain things about someone, and well, then there's-"
"Huh?" Jason said, completely lost.
"You're just confusing the kid!" Sam said. "This is why we should've just gone with my answer!"
"Your answer wasn't approved by the book!"
"Well you-"
"Okay, Jason, we-we'll just come back to that one," Freddie said, looking back at the list of questions. "Okay, here's one! 'Where are normal places to suddenly find hair?'"
"Just look at the booklets for that, Jason," Sam said quickly.
"Well no, the book says we need to discuss that too!" Freddie said.
"Forget the book!" Sam said. "It's useless! It couldn't even help you with the one real question he had!"
"I said I would get back to him about-"
"I have another question I guess," Jason said, breaking up his parent's argument. "Um, well, there are some guys at school who are already super tall and their voices are deep and they shave, but I still look like a little kid."
"I know, that's what I love about you," Sam smiled.
"Not really what a thirteen-year old kid wants to hear," Freddie mumbled.
"Fine, I'll handle this one," Sam said. "Okay, Jason. So everybody grows up at their own pace."
"Nice!" Freddie said approvingly. "That's exactly what the book says to say!"
"Some people hit puberty really early," Sam said. "Some people really late. Your dad looked like sixth grader through about tenth grade so unfortunately for you, he probably passed on those slow genes too."
"Well, I-I that's not completely true," Freddie said. "Yeah, I-I may have taken longer than a lot of guys in my class, but-but it wasn't as bad as your mom just made it sound, Jason."
"People used to ask me and Carly if we were your babysitters," Sam smirked.
"They did not!" Freddie defended.
"And your own mom was having a panic attack about you not growing leg hair," Sam continued.
"She had panic attacks about everything!" Freddie exclaimed. "Besides, when we were fourteen even you noticed my voice was getting deeper."
"Yes, it went from squeaky elf to just plain elf. Congratulations," Sam said.
"So I'm just gonna be stuck looking like a geeky kid until I'm sixteen, aren't I?" Jason mumbled.
"No! Sweetie, don't worry," Sam said quickly. "You-You're not a geeky looking kid. You're adorable!"
"Mom!"
"Sorry, sorry," Sam said quickly. "But, um, just-just because your dad was a late bloomer doesn't mean you'll be. You have my genes too! My cousins all had facial hair before their first juvenile offenses, so maybe that will balance it out!"
"It doesn't need to be balanced out!" Freddie said firmly. "I developed at a perfectly normal rate, and Jason will to!"
"Perfectly normal? Ha!"
"Um, can-can we just move on?" Jason asked.
"Yeah, okay," Freddie agreed quickly. "So, um…alright, well…hey, let's discuss those urges!"
"Aw, jeez, will you stop saying urges?" Sam moaned.
"Alright, so, Jason," Freddie said, ignoring his wife's comment. "So, at about this age, like I said earlier, you're going to start noticing things. Um, girls are going to start being quite interesting. And when you hang around a girl that you might be a bit, well, attracted to, you're going to start getting these waves of feelings and, um…um, well-"
"What kind of feeling?" Jason asked.
"Um, a-a feeling," Freddie responded lamely.
"Well dude, how's he supposed to just know from that?" Sam scoffed.
"Well…help me out!" Freddie hissed.
"How?"
"Well the book doesn't tell me how to describe the feeling!" Freddie snapped. "It just says to mention that there's a feeling involved!"
"So…is this done yet?" Jason asked.
"You know what? We-We'll try this again in a little bit…apparently I have to go out and by a better book!" Freddie said, getting to his feet.
"Yeah…just-just try and push this whole thing out of your memory," Sam told her son.
As the two left Jason's room, closing the door behind them, Freddie angrily tossed the book aside.
"Well!" he said. "That was a disaster! We were a mess in there!"
"No, you were a mess," Sam corrected. "See! You were so dependent on that stupid book that you've probably confused Jason even more!"
"Well you were no help!" Freddie retorted. "You made him think he's gonna stay looking like a little kid forever!"
"You know, maybe there's a reason the schools handle this," Sam said, shaking her head. "Because clearly the parents aren't too good at it."
"No, Sam, we've got to do this; it's our job," Freddie said firmly. "We-We'll just regroup! Yeah, let's go the bookstore and buy all the books they have on this so we can cover all the bases! We'll make slide shows and flashcards and-"
"Okay, you've officially lost it," Sam said, rolling her eyes.
"Well this is a lot harder than I thought!" Freddie defended.
"Yup," Sam sighed, putting and arm around him. "I think this whole puberty thing is just as hard on the parents as it is on the kid."
