I don't want to get into things too much here, but I did try and give an update via Facebook last week. My profile is Cynosure Fanfic if you'd like to be friends. Long story short, I've been having a hard time with my mental health lately and that has resulted in being unable to put the words down on the page. I'm trying to get back because I truly love it and all of you. Thank you always.
… …
I watched Edward carefully.
We were sitting in the waiting room of his therapist's office, and I noticed a change in his demeanor as soon as we had walked into the office. He looked so nervous. I had expected that, though. Because I was nervous, too. But it wasn't just the nervousness, it was…fear. He seemed terrified, and it made my stomach turn. I didn't want him to feel so scared, but I also feared why he felt that way, and what he had to tell me that had him so on edge.
It also struck me that even though I felt like things had changed and that we had moved so far forward, in terms of this, of what Edward had never wanted to talk about, we had remained locked in the same place for months. It seemed like there had been no progress at all in that area, and now all of a sudden it was all going to be out in the open.
And then I realized I was just as worried as he was- maybe even more so.
But he reached out and squeezed my hand, and I couldn't help but squeeze back.
This was Edward. He was the father of my child, and had become my best friend in the last few months. I wanted him to be open with me, even if maybe I didn't like what he had to say.
… ...
"It's nice to meet you, Bella. I've heard so much about you."
Kieran smiled at me as Edward and I settled into the couch across from where she was seated.
"Thank you, it's nice to meet you, as well."
We exchanged a few more pleasantries before diving right in, but I was thankful for that.
"Edward, you've talked about bringing Bella into one of your sessions for the past few weeks. Do you want to talk about why you decided to bring her in?"
He glanced over at me for a moment. "Well, um, this has been a…problem for us basically since the beginning. But I felt like I never had to talk about it then, because we weren't a, uh, couple. I mean, not really. We were just-"
"You weren't in a serious relationship," Kieran supplied, smiling gently. "But now things have changed?"
I knew that Kieran had to know all of this already, considering that she had been seeing Edward for a few months now. But it honestly felt good to rehash some of this, if only to realize how much had changed.
"Yes. But they didn't just change recently. I fell for her a long time ago, but screwed up. I think we both did."
"We did," I agreed, a little hesitant to interrupt. "I don't want the blame to lie solely on either one of us. And it's important for us to realize that we are no longer in that place."
"That's true. And now, even though things have changed and we've finally realized how we feel for each other and are moving into a relationship, I've found myself still not wanting to talk about it."
"Talk about what, Edward?"
He exhaled shakily, looking down. "About my marriage. And about why it affected me, and my feelings towards committed relationship, so greatly."
Kieran smiled reassuringly. "Go ahead, Edward. You've come very far in being able to tell me about all of this, and I know that you've realized that you're ready to talk about it with Bella, too. That's why you knew it was time to bring her into one of your sessions."
"You can tell me," I added quietly. "I want to be here for you, and my feelings aren't going to change. I'm all in."
"You know about Savannah. About how quickly things got so bad, and how hard it was as she…well, as she continued to get worse. I put everything I had into taking care of her, because I loved her. She was my wife, and nothing could have kept me from her side. Then she died, and even though I had married her and loved her and done everything I could, none of it mattered. She died anyway. And before she did…she became a person I didn't recognize. I know I've told you about this, too, but I just don't think anyone can understand what that's like without seeing it."
"I can't even imagine."
He nodded, and swallowed thickly. "I felt so useless, not being able to help her. And then I just felt incredibly guilty for being…almost relieved when she did pass. I knew she was suffering, but that wasn't it. I had been suffering too. Nothing like her, of course-"
"Edward." Kieran shook her head minutely. "You know that one person's suffering does not cancel out the pain of everyone else's."
I nodded in agreement, but Edward was still staring down at his hands, folded together on his lap. "She hated me at times, and I started to hate her, too. Because even though I loved her so much, she was slipping away and at times, she was already gone. She said awful things sometimes, words I'd never heard come out of her mouth before, about anyone. Especially not towards me. But she changed, and even though I knew it wasn't her fault, it was like being with a completely different person. All I could do was try and help her be comfortable, and try and arrange for her final wishes to be carried out. But she…she didn't even want me to help her. It was like she wanted me to hate her, wanted me to walk away."
Edward was quiet for a moment, but neither Kieran nor I prodded him. We just sat there, and I let his words wash over me.
I had put marriage up on a pedestal when I was younger, and was blindsided by the way my mother changed. When she abandoned my father and me, the ideas I'd had about love and marriage were shattered- and I had thought that damage had been irreparable. And Edward- he had had that seemingly perfect relationship, and then seen it torn away by something that was completely out of their hands. Our separate reasons for wanting to avoid serious relationships at first had been what had brought us together, and then what tore us apart.
Then Mila came into the world, and we were both shown an entirely different kind of love. A kind of love that really was all encompassing, and unconditional.
It showed us how powerful love could be, and was one more thing to bring us together. And now neither of us wanted to throw that away. We would love our daughter no matter what, no matter how things turned out between us. But it was something that opened our eyes to what we had almost thrown away.
"She asked me to go out to dinner one night." I was almost startled when Edward spoke again, but listened carefully. "She had been having a good day- the pain wasn't too bad; no seizures. I remember…she said I needed a break. I needed time away. I had argued, saying all I wanted was to be by her side. That I wasn't going anywhere. Then she started to get angry; upset. She told me that if I didn't leave, she would start screaming. She said she wanted me out, and that I was driving her crazy. That she never got any time alone anymore, and she didn't want to see me."
He pursed his lips. "She told me she had called Emmett and asked him to meet me at, uh…the restaurant that used to be inside the Hilton. Something nice, nowhere I'd expect to go with Emmett. But I went, and when I gave my name to the hostess, she brought me to the table…and it wasn't Emmett. It was a woman I didn't know, but who seemed to know me. I didn't understand what was going on until she laid it all out on the table."
"She was…" I trailed off, horrified.
"She was an escort, paid for by my wife. With explicit instructions from Savannah- how to act, how to dress. What I liked in bed, what color lingerie I had always liked on Savannah. I was mortified…and deeply, deeply hurt. I knew that Savannah was sick. More than one doctor had explained to me that she was enduring incredible amounts of pain and suffering, and that she was experiencing severe mood swings and personality changes. But I couldn't believe what was happening…and yet I still played along."
"You…"
"I had dinner with her. We talked, and I noticed how much she acted like Savannah. How she wore her hair like Savannah had, and dressed like her. I started drinking more and more, and was practically falling down drunk by the end of the meal. I went upstairs with her, to the room Savannah had also paid for. And I almost did it. Part of me even wanted to. I wondered for the briefest of moments if it would make things easier- if just fucking that girl and getting out all of the emotions that had been pent up inside of me would make me feel better somehow. But I couldn't. I left- called a taxi and had them drop me off at Peter and Charlotte's apartment. Savannah died three days later- and I didn't get there until an hour before. She was practically already gone by the time I got there. Our last words had been that horrible night, and they had been words of anger. Her last gesture towards me was….that. Desecrating our relationship and breaking my heart."
Edward looked up at me finally, his eyes full of tears. "And I still loved her, Bella. I still loved her after all of that, and even though part of me hated what she had become and the things she had put me through, even if it was all because she was sick and suffering. But I loved her, and she died without…"
He paused, choking back a sob. "She died thinking that I hated her. She died without me being able to tell her I loved her one last time."
… …
Hoping to be back for another one soon- I really will try to keep you updated. Things have been looking up a little, so I'm finally feeling somewhat hopeful again. Please let me know what you thought, and thank you from the bottom of my heart for all your love and support.
