Hello! Thank you so much for your patience with me as I get back into the groove of things. Thanks also to all of those who have reached out to me so kindly with words of support- I'm still working on replying to everyone but it really means so much to me.
This is a shorter chapter but I hope to see ya'll again soon for the next one!
… …
The ride home was quiet. We picked Mila up from Peter and Charlotte's on the way home, and when we got there, the house was quiet, too.
I didn't want to crowd Edward, or abandon him, so I felt like I was walking the finest of lines. But he still smiled at me, albeit a little sadly, and kissed my cheek when he got up from the sofa. "I think I'm going to take Mila for a walk."
"Do you want me to come with you?"
"Thank you, but I don't think so. But we won't be too long. Just need a little fresh air."
I nodded. "Okay."
He stooped down in front of me suddenly, taking my face in his hands. "Hey. Thank you." He kissed me quickly and was then gone with Mila before I could say anything, and I could hear him getting her into her stroller and then heading out the door.
I didn't mind- I knew they would be back soon, and fresh air and time to clear your head never hurt anybody. So I tried to get some schoolwork done and enjoy my brief time alone, and before I knew it, almost an hour had passed. I hesitated before calling Edward, but if it had just been him, I would have left it alone. But Mila was still so little, and he had said they wouldn't be long. I knew she was perfectly safe with her daddy…however, the nervous new mom part of me won out.
He answered right away. "Hey, sorry. I ended up taking a longer route."
"Oh…that's okay. I was just wondering. I'll let you-"
"We're about to come up to the house; why don't you come out and we can all walk just a little more. It's so nice outside."
"Okay," I agreed. "Let me just grab my shoes."
"We'll wait at the end of the driveway."
Sure enough, by the time I had pulled my shoes on and grabbed a couple of water bottles, Edward and Mila were there waiting for me.
"Thanks." Edward accepted the water bottle I offered him, guzzling down half of it right away.
"No problem," I said, accepting his one-armed hug readily. "How has she been?" I reached over to touch Mila's cheek, unable to resist not touching her. It was almost magnetic, and I knew Edward felt the same way. It might have been just because we were first time parents, but really, I think she was just irresistible.
"Great," Edward replied, smiling proudly. "She napped most of the way."
"You're okay with going longer?"
He took my hand as we started walking, the other remaining on the handle of the stroller. "Of course."
"Thanks for inviting me to come along," I added after a moment. "I don't…I don't want to crowd you, you know? But I want to be here with you."
"I know." His voice was soft, but he squeezed my hand. "Thank you."
We spent the rest of our walk in near silence, but he never dropped my hand.
… …
I startled awake in the darkness, disoriented. Wondering what had woken me up, I listened for Mila over the baby monitor, but heard nothing. I reached for my phone and saw that it was already one o'clock in the morning- I had fallen asleep while reading in bed…waiting up for Edward. He had gone to spend time with his brothers, a long overdue guy's night. Now it was later than I had expected for him to be home, but I quickly realized what had woken me up was the sound of him making his way up the stairs- drunk.
He peeked into the room, and looked surprised to see me awake. "Hiiii," he whispered, grinning. "Didn't think you'd be up."
"I heard you come in."
I got out of bed, reaching his side just as he tripped over his own shoes. I caught his arm and he managed to right himself, but he was still wobbly. "Did you have fun tonight?" I tried not to sound too cross, because while I wasn't thrilled that he was coming home drunk, I also couldn't deny that maybe he needed it.
"Sorry." He flopped down on the bed, and I helped him pull off his shoes. He eventually gave up on the shoes, and instead starting pawing at me. "Come here."
"You're drunk," I chided him. "And I have class in the morning."
"I know. I just want you."
I cracked a smile. "You know that I want you, too. Always. Well…except for when I'm sleepy and grumpy."
"Come here," he repeated. "I know how to make you happy…"
Edward planted wet, sloppy kisses on my neck, and I couldn't help but tip my head back and receive them gladly. I didn't stop him when his hands slid under the tee shirt of his that I was wearing as pajamas. And I welcomed his touch gladly as the distance between us shrank.
But I did stop him when he slipped is hand into my underwear. "I'm serious, Edward. I have class in the morning, and you're drunk."
He sighed, flopping back down flat on his back. "Okay. Okay."
I pulled the blankets around us again, and curled up on my side.
"Where did you go tonight?" I asked, hating that my voice sounded so small.
"Emmett wanted to go to PBR, so we went there…then ended up at the Rooftop 360."
I thought back to when, not very long ago at all, I would have been spending my free nights at bars and clubs, too. I didn't begrudge Edward for needing some time out with his brother's, but I couldn't help but feel a little left out. "Oh. That sounds fun."
"It was."
I could tell that he was already starting to drift off, so I nudged him awake again. "Did you miss me?" I was only half teasing.
"Of course I did. You and Mila."
"Good. We missed you."
"I always miss you guys when we're not together."
He was still slurring his words a little, but his smile was genuine.
"She's getting so big. I can't believe how much she's grown."
"We should have another baby," he murmured, and I stared at him, shocked.
Considering that we had never even talked about having a baby before at all, not even about Mila, I was stunned to hear him suggest it now, so cavalierly.
"I think that's a conversation for later," I said carefully. "You're…you're drunk."
"I want babies with you. More babies. And I want you to know that."
"Come on, get up and brush your teeth and get undressed," I urged him. "Then go to bed. There's a glass on water sitting on the counter in the bathroom, and the Advil is in the cabinet."
He didn't move for a moment, and then without another word got up and shut the door to the bathroom behind him.
I closed my eyes for just a moment, and was already asleep before he came back to bed.
… …
"Why do you think that brought up so many feelings?"
My counselor, Jamie, had listened as I'd told her about my late night conversation with Edward, letting me vent and try and put my thoughts in order. Now she looked at me pensively, and I struggled to find the words to answer her question.
"I don't know. I think it was a combination of things. I wasn't thrilled that he had been out all night, getting drunk, but I was also trying to be understanding, and let him blow off steam. I mean, we used to do that stuff together, all the time. But then he brought up more babies…and I just shut down. I had no idea what to say. And now it's been three days and neither of us has brought it up again…and it's just awkward between us."
"Do you want more children? And with Edward?"
"I don't know," I repeated. "I didn't plan Mila- you know that. Neither of us did. I understand that he is amazed something so wonderful wasn't part of the plan, because I feel the same way. But I hadn't been thinking about other children. I have so much I want to do, not just with school and a career but with my mental health, too, before…well, before continuing a family."
She nodded. "And what about with Edward? Continuing a family with Edward?"
"I want to be with him. I just…"
"You're still struggling with the idea of being able to have a happy, health family."
"I wish I weren't. I know it would be so much easier if I just-"
"You can't do that, Bella. You can't magically replace your preconceived notions with healthy, positive talk. I wish it were that easy, but unfortunately it takes a lot of work. You shouldn't give yourself a hard time for needing to work to get into a better place, mentally."
"I know. I know that, but it's so hard to remind myself of that. And now…I think I've taken a wrong step with Edward, and made him doubt all of the progress we've made."
"The easiest way to find out what Edward thinks of all of this is to ask," Jamie reminded me gently. "Communication is one of the most important things, maybe the most important."
Our session was over all too, but instead of going home to study right away, I sat in my car for a while and thought about what I really, truly felt that I wanted.
Mila was the most amazing thing that had ever happened to me. My love for her felt like it was growing stronger ever moment, and it was so powerful I didn't know if I'd ever be able to wrap my head around it. I loved being her mother, and I loved that I had given her Edward as a father.
So what was holding me back?"
… …
Some filler but there are also some underlying issues here that both Edward and Bella need to address and iron out before they become giant wrinkles. What do you think?
Thanks for reading!
