"So that was it?!" Alice's words came out more like screeching. "You just left it at that?"
"Well…yeah. I guess. We haven't talked about it since, but it's only been a few days…"
Rosalie rolled her eyes. "Good God. This is obviously eating you up inside, Bella."
It felt like it had been ages since the three of us had been able to spend time together, so when they invited me over after class to catch up, I had jumped at the chance. I had felt better after talking to my counselor about what Edward had said the other night, but it still loomed over me like a dark shadow. However, Jamie, Alice and Rosalie were all offering the same advice- to just talk to Edward about it.
I knew that was the only real solution, and that it needed to happen for multiple different reasons. But I was still struggling- worrying that bringing it up would rock the boat. Because I had been happy with the way things were. School was incredibly tough already, especially with me having to catch up to the rest of my class, but I still loved it. Being a mother got better each and every day, and for the first time since we had known each other, Edward and I had a clearly defined relationship. I worried now about saying something that would upset the balance we had finally reached.
"Hey," Alice said, her voice more gentle. "I know you know that you have to talk to him. I also know that it's more difficult than it sounds. What's the worst that could happen if you bring this up to him?"
"He could not like my answer." My voice sounded small, and I looked down at my hands as I spoke. "And I worry that if he doesn't, I'm jeopardizing everything else."
"Well, I think you have to really reflect on what you want and what is best for both of you. What would your answer be?" Rosalie asked.
They seemed to have noticed my shift in mood- I was anxious, and they adjusted accordingly.
"I do. I think. But not right now. I love Mila so much, and Edward is such a good father. I'm happy with how things are right now."
"So tell him that. He's not just going to not accept that as an answer."
I nodded. "I know. Like you said though, it's more difficult than it seems."
"Do you want us to watch Mila tonight so that you guys can have an evening alone? Maybe that would help."
I hesitated- I appreciated the offer, but we had only left Mila with babysitters a handful of times. But I also knew Edward and I needed this. This wouldn't get any better until we were able to talk about it, and then we could move on and see where life took us.
… …
I held Mila close to me, breathing in her scent baby scent. It was like this every time I saw her after an absence- even if it had only been a short one. But she wouldn't be a baby forever, and I wanted to soak it up while I could.
"How was your day?" Edward came up behind me, resting his hands on my shoulders. I turned to kiss him in greeting, smiling.
"Not bad. It was really nice to catch up with Rosalie and Alice. Yours?"
"Great," he replied, squeezing my shoulders gently. "We missed you, like always."
"And I missed you."
I sank down on the small loveseat we had in Mila's room, and Edward followed my lead.
"I only have a week left of paternity leave," he reminded me. "So Mila and I are trying to soak it all up. Today we sat in the park for a long time, since it's so nice out. I was thinking about taking with me to walk around the botanical gardens tomorrow, just for a change of scenery."
I felt a pang in my chest- I knew Mila would have the perfect babysitters in Esme, Sue, and Charlotte, but it was still hard. I also knew how hard it would be for Edward, and hoped that we would lean on each other and get through it together.
"Aw. Well, I'm so thankful that you had all the time you did- it was more difficult than I ever imagined for me to leave her and go to school, but you made it so much easier on me. Knowing she had you made me feel better, and now we can both be glad everyone else will take such good care of her."
"I'm glad I could make it better for you, and I know you're right, but I'm still kind of dreading it. It's making me think more and more about taking a sabbatical next year. I could still freelance…"
"See how you feel after a couple of weeks," I suggested. "But I'll support your decision no matter what."
We continued to chat for a while and the urge to just blurt out what was on my mind grew stronger. It wasn't even six o'clock yet- we still had plenty of time to take Mila to Rosalie and Alice's place for the night so that we could talk.
"Hey, so Alice and Rosalie offered to watch Mila for a few hours, and I was thinking that we should take them up on it. That way we could take some time to…talk and stuff."
I felt like I was making a bigger deal out of the whole thing than I should have been. It wasn't really that momentous, and even though the conversation was important for us to have, it didn't require a whole entire evening of talking. But I thought we could also just use some time to ourselves. We had only both left Mila once, and had only lasted a couple of hours. As much as I wanted to be with her always, my counselor and I had been talking about the importance of taking time for myself and our relationship, and I should have been trying harder to make that happen.
But Edward shook his head.
"Well normally I'd say that sounds great…but your dad and I are taking Mila to the game tonight, remember? I'm actually picking him up at 6:30, so Mila and I should probably be getting ready."
Of course; I couldn't believe I had forgotten. My dad and Edward had been looking forward to this for weeks now- even before Mila had been born, they had talked about it. Maybe I really did have too much on my mind.
"Oh, right. Well, you guys will have a great night."
There would be plenty of other times for the two of us to have time together, but I felt like this needed to get out in the open first. And I decided that I wouldn't keep it bottled up any longer.
"You know, I've been thinking about when you said that you would want to have more kids, and I just wanted to be honest with you and say that I don't know when I'll be ready for that. It's been bothering me since that night, and I've been putting it off bringing it up. But…yeah. I thought you should know how I feel."
Edward blinked a few times, processing what I had just blurted out. "Oh. Well…okay. That's okay. Thank you for telling me."
"It's something that I think we'd really have to discuss seriously. And we can. When we're ready to."
"Yeah, of course. I'm really sorry, you know, for bringing it up that way. I had been thinking about it…and just…"
"I know. But thank you for apologizing. I know you realize it's serious, too. Drinking really makes you have some word vomit," I said with a laugh.
We smiled at each other, albeit a little awkwardly, but I felt like a huge weight had been lifted off of my shoulders. Now we could move past it, and eventually have that conversation when we were both ready for it.
I watched from my seat as Edward changed Mila into the miniature Cardinals jersey he had bought for her, not able to wrap my mind around the fact that it fit her.
When he had first bought it when she was just a few days old, it had looked huge; like it would never fit my tiny baby. Now it fit her perfectly, reminding me that she was already two months old. Time was continuing to fly, and every milestone seemed monumental. She loved the sound of Edward and I's voices, so we talked to her as much as possible. Edward was doing so now, chattering as he got her changed, and she gurgled back occasionally. We were even beginning to see hints of her first real smile.
"Take pictures for me."
He smiled. "Of course. Tons."
"I'm so happy you and my dad are doing this together. It makes this seem so much more…real, you know?"
"I know. For the first time since…well, since Savannah, honestly, I've actually wanted to do this stuff. Spend time with your dad, have you around my family; actually build a relationship."
"Well, I'm glad to hear it. I feel the same way."
He scooped Mila up, then came over to press a kiss to my forehead. "Have a good night. I'll see you later, okay?"
I nodded, and kissed Mila goodbye as well. "Have fun."
… …
I was already asleep when I felt Edward crawling into bed beside me.
"Did you have a good time?" I asked sleepily, rolling over to face him.
"Sorry, did I wake you up?"
I yawned and reached over to flip my bedside lamp on. "I've just been kind of tossing and turning."
"Ah. Yeah, we had fun. It was a great game."
"And Mila? Was she okay?"
"Perfect. I'll show you all the pictures tomorrow."
I leaned over to kiss him, then fell asleep in his arms.
… …
I sat at the kitchen counter with my cup of coffee, watching as Edward methodically packed his lunch.
Today was his first day back to teaching after his paternity leave, and he would be back to freelancing as well. Mila seemed oblivious, but Edward and I were both on pins and needles and had been all morning. We were supposed to be dropping Mila off at my dad and Sue's house in less than an hour, but we were still dragging our feet. I think it was already just as hard as we had both expected.
"Do I have to go? Can't I call in sick?"
"I wish."
It was October now, and the morning air was brisk. Edward pulled a sweater on over Mila's head as I checked her bag for the tenth time, making sure everything Sue might need for today was there.
"What time are you done today? I can study in the library if you have to be on campus later than I have to." I asked.
"My classes are at nine and eleven today, and I have office hours from two until four. That way, we'll be able to commute together no problem and not have to spend too much time waiting around for each other."
"Oh, right. Perfect."
He came over and cupped my face in his hands, smiling. "I figured maybe you could be my lunch date, too."
"Yeah?"
He kissed me softly. "…yeah, babe."
By the time we brought Mila in to Dad and Sue's, I was a wreck. Edward was too, even though he did it better. Luckily, we had budgeted extra time in our commute to compensate for how long it took us to be able to leave Mila behind and head towards campus. My dad had already left, but Sue gave us hugs and pep talks until we finally headed out the door.
… …
My morning dragged on, and I could hardly pay attention in my classes. I knew that Sue would contact me if something happened, but I couldn't put Mila out of her mind. It felt just like it had when I had first started school. Maybe even worse.
I finally made it out of my morning classes, and crossed campus to meet Edward in his office for lunch. I still had a hard time finding it, and was running a few minutes late before I got there.
The door was open when I approached, but when I poked my head in, it was Chelsea sitting at Edward's desk.
"Bella!"
"Chelsea…hi."
"It's good to see you. You looking for Edward?"
"Uh, yeah. Figured he'd be here…in his office."
She laughed. "He just ran to the bathroom. Said he was expecting you though, so I stuck around."
"Oh. Well, thanks. It's good to see you, too."
"Mm. Edward was just telling me more about the baby."
"Mila."
"Cute name."
My heart panged just from saying it, so I just nodded.
Edward came up behind me suddenly, shooting me a nervous look. "Hey, Bella."
"Hi."
We both looked back at Chelsea, who just smiled.
"If you don't mind, we were going to have lunch together," I said, smiling back tightly.
"Oh! Well let me get out of your hair."
She finally stood up and headed out of the office, but paused as she passed us. She rested her hand on Edward's shoulder, and I narrowed my eyes. "I'm sure we'll be seeing a lot of each other."
She was finally gone, and I practically slammed the door shut behind her.
"What is her problem?"
Edward groaned as he sat back down at his desk. "I don't know, but she's been bugging me every time I've even stepped foot in my office all morning."
"When the last time you hooked up with her?"
"Psht, it's been years. We hooked up two or three times when we were in school…when my girlfriend and I were on and off. She wanted to date after Tanya and I broke up, but it didn't happen. I wasn't about to get into another relationship."
I nodded, picking at my sandwich. "Does she think you're still…an on and off, casual type of guy?"
He frowned. "I hope not- because I'm not."
"I know that. She might need to be told though."
I had never been a jealous person. In the past few years, I had preferred to not be in exclusive or serious relationships. But now everything was different. I wanted everyone to know that Edward was mine, and I was his.
And I realized that for the first time, that didn't scare me at all.
… …
Thank you! Hope you enjoyed the chapter!
