"This one. You have to get this one Mia." I said tasting my tenth flavor of wedding cake. I shifted in my seat trying to ignore the slight pain in my stomach. The last thing I want is to take away from Mia's day.

"That's what you said about the last four cakes. You are no help." She says to me. She has a tone that says she's frustrated but I can tell that she is more entertained than anything. Today is wedding-planning day. Evan is at Andy's house for the day since she and Mark are expecting and they think that they are out of touch on how to care for a child under the age of two. I wasn't going to complain because I owe it to Mia to spend at least a few hours with her wedding considering that she spent weeks on mine practically by herself. That and I had a fever last night so I didn't need a sick infant.

"Maybe we need to try some more." The girl working at the bakery shop just smiled and brought back even more options. I was in heaven for the moment. At least until we went to the catering company and did the food tasting. The good thing about her parents giving her no budge for the wedding is that she was able to hire just about anyone and we are figuring out the food today. Not really, we are choosing the top three and taking those to Luke so he can decide. After this we are going to look at flowers and meet with the wedding planner about the room set up. Then there is the guest list that has to be complete. There is so much that goes into weddings but Mia loves it.

"How's Luke?" I ask her as we drive somewhere else.

"He's doing well. We got in a fight Thanksgiving Day but we made up at the hospital. It was stupid; I was being insecure and he was not being understanding. I honestly don't even remember what it was about but I'm just glad that it's over you know? So after the wedding we are going to start looking at houses. Well, I think we should just buy a house but he's set on having it built. He's suppose to talk to Elliot about it. Maybe buy one and then continue to build on it. Like Ana and Christian did but I'm not there's the baby issue."

"What issue I thought you wanted kids too." I know it will likely cause a big ordeal with her and luke if she tries to put off having kids for too long. That's what happens when you marry someone who is ten years older than you.

"I do but he wants them tomorrow and I'm not sure I want them so soon. Or maybe just one and then wait for another. But he wants me to be a baby making machine you know?"

"Just tell him that. Take it one at a time but he really does one kid soon." I tell her as we sit down for lunch. "So speaking of baby making machines," I start off smiling I know it's soon to share the new but I can't help my self and I need her to surprise Elliot.

"Hurry and eat we only have like an hour to get to the dress fitting for the bridesmaid." She says eyeing my food.

"Don't say anything to anyone because I haven't told Elliot yet but I'm pregnant." I say casually.

"What?" She drops her fork to look at me. I have a serious face on so she thinks I'm joking but I'm not. "How? When did you find out?" she says loudly. Luckily we are outside and it is deserted since it's a weekday.

"So turns out I'm not the best when it comes to remembering to take my pill. I went in yesterday to get on the pill because I stopped taking it after the hospital stay and they gave me a prescription but then they called back and told me not to take it since I was pregnant. It was a new nurse that messed with my test results. I don't know how that happened but once they called yesterday I went to the drug store and took an at home test. Well I took a few actually but yeah."

"That's great. Are you happy I mean you literally just had a baby like five months ago How far along are you?" she asks still looking shocked.

"Its funny because Yesterday I was arguing with Elliot about how I didn't want another baby for at least another year but that didn't work out. I mean I'm happy how can I not be. It's a lot to take in but I'm happy about it. And I won't even show for your wedding since it's coming up." That's what I was really worried about, how I would look in the bridesmaid dress she picked out for us.

"Why doesn't Elliot know yet?"

"Because I found out this morning. But I don't think he'll be upset you know he wants a lot of kids. Unless he does get upset and then I won't even know what to do with myself. I'm more excited because I know he'll be happy but It hasn't really hit me yet. I mean I'm happy but nervous too. It will be fine." I say to both of us.

"It will, you guys are so crazy to have kids so close together but if someone can do, it it's you two. Because honestly you two are obsessed with the kids more than anyone I have ever seen. But you have to be excited, it's a baby, you two love babies." She is right I do love my kids and as much stress as I had when Evan was born seeing him grow up these last few months has been incredible.

All I kept thinking about the rest of the day was our baby. When we were looking at table arrangements all I could think about was setting up a new nursery for our new baby. With every minute that passed by I became more and more excited about all the possibilities of what it could look like. Maybe this baby will be a girl. I could see me and Isabelle having so much fun going out with her and shopping for things for my girls.

"How are you going to tell him?" Mia asks interrupting my daydream.

"Oh, I'm not sure yet but I want to do it big this time since last time was a surprise. This is a surprise too but last time I was worried because we weren't married but since now we are it doesn't feel like such an ordeal."

"You're what?" she asks looking at me surprised. Shit I didn't mean for that to slip out. I didn't want to tell her until Elliot was with me.

"Pleas don't be angry at me." I say putting my hands up

"You got married?" she shrieks out. Good thing we are still in the car because if we weren't then people would have been staring at her for being so loud.

"Yes."

"When?" She stops to face me as much as she can considering that she is still sitting in the car.

"When he went to visit me in New York. Besides Scott and my sister no one was there and our parents didn't find out until about a month after. I'm sorry Mia."

"Do you know how much that sucks. If there was someone who was more excited to see you two get married than me let me know because I can honestly say that I was so happy to see him get married. How could you not invite me or even tell me about it?" She was genuinely hurt by what I did. A lot of people were upset by it especially my mom but Mia was a close second.

"Mia I'm sorry but I just didn't want to wait. I love your brother and I was scared that something would separate us. And we almost did. He almost died. If he had died then i would have regretted it knowing that we could have been married but we didn't because of what? Because I wanted a cake and all those things? I'm not trying to offend you or anything because I wanted a wedding like you're having but I was scarred of losing him and I almost did Mia!" I look forward not being able to look at her directly. "You don't know what it is like to almost lose him. We have kids and we had plans and in a second all of that could have been wiped away." I take another shaky breath still unable to look at her. "I …You don't know what it is like to have to live with all these what ifs spinning in your head." I close my eyes leaning back on the seat.

"I just wanted to be there. To see you and my brother have your first dance and wear a bridesmaid dress and walk with Evan down the aisle unless that you wanted to have your mom do that. I wanted to be a part of that like you are doing for me." she says simply.

"You still can. I want to do a reception for all the family to be there. Maybe like a vow renewal type of thing. But after this baby because I don't want to be pregnant for the pictures. Last time I wanted it soon because I wanted to be married before the baby but now we are married." I really hope she can understand because I don't need Mia to be mad at me especially since I haven't told Andy or Ana. Ann knows because of my mother so that's no worry.

"Fine but I'm telling you now that I won't have any part in planning that since you didn't include me in this wedding." she warns me. She isn't completely pissed off but Still hurt.

"Will you be my maid of honor?"

"Of course I would be pissed if you asked someone else." She held it against me throughout the rest of the day. I didn't expect her to let it go so easily but I had hope.

"Are you coming?" She asks getting out of the car.

"Give me a minute I have bad cramps right now." I tell her.

"Are you okay?" I didn't want her to worry. I didn't want anyone to have to worry unnecessarily about me.

"Yeah. I thought I wasn't pregnant because I still got my period this month but it was just some bleeding. I already freaked about it to the doctor over the phone and she said it was normal so I don't want to have to worry. Why don't you go ahead. I'll go to the bathroom for a minute and catch up." Before she could say anything i walked off to the bathroom of the venue, which was quite extravagant. No way Luke has seen this or else he wouldn't be so damn calm.

It's just a little bleeding, I though to my self as i walked weakly to the bathroom. The bleeding has been happening the last few days but to this degree. I quickly changed my pad and as I was walking back to where mia was the pain intensified. And i could feel the bleeding increase too. Okay time to panic. Well, no, not panic because I can't have Mia panic but now it's time to visit a doctor.

"Hey Andy says she has to do something so I have to pick up Evan." I lied to her. In reality I texted Andy telling her to take care of my baby a little longer than we had planned not that she minded. I took a taxi that drove me to Northwest Hospital in a record 45 minutes considering traffic and the fact that we were at least an hour away if the driver wasn't driving like an animal. Once I was there I was admitted and wheeled into one of their rooms. I thought about calling Elliot but he has been under so much stress with going back to work that I don't need to add to it unless I know what is going on.

"I see it's Mrs. Grey now." I nod smiling despite the fact that things are far from good.

"Yes we got married a few months ago."

"So I'm assuming this is a honeymoon baby?" she says joking. It probably is considering that I haven't had sex in about two months, but maybe less.

"Yeah I guess so." I say stoically.

"Are we waiting for Mr. Grey?" I thought about it for a second. Although I know that Elliot should be here for any appointment I have concerning our future child, I think that I don't want to wait. If we wait he may take too long then he'll be rushing here and I really don't need him to get in an accident.

"No, I think I would much rather call him later."

"Okay why don't we get this started. It will be just like the first ultrasound you had with your other baby so I'll come back in a few minutes to see if everything is alright." Her lack of urgency is getting to me and is starting to piss me off until I think that well, if she isn't worried neither should I. After all she knows why I came and what my concerns are, right? "this is Doctor Edwards she's going to be doing the ultrasound." I know that hey have to teach their interns and all but it's honestly scaring the crap out of me knowing that someone with so little experience is the one doing this. I have to keep my mouth shut though. I have to be respectful at least.

"Have you had any bleeding?" Doctor Edwards asks me as she inserts the tube into me.

"yes but I was told it was normal. It was light bleeding. I had bleeding in my other pregnancy and i was told it was just stress." I say more for my own peace of mind. I watched the screen waiting for something to happen but the only thing that did happen wa doctor torres taking the place of Edwards.

I can't say that I remember exactly what they said but it was something about how there was a fetus. Was. I had a choice to make. I could either let it pass or get it removed. I didn't really understand what they meant until I had to ask to get things cleared up.

"But you said i was pregnant?" I couldn't really think or move but i needed things to be cleared up.

"Right but we aren't seeing a heart beat. It's very common in the first few weeks of pregnancy. We have to perform a pelvic exam to make sure."

"But you could be wrong. It's possible that I'm not miscarrying and this is all some mistake right?" They exchange a look and i can automatically see the answer.

"Maybe you want to call someone Mrs. Grey?" I can't call Elliot. He would be so disappointed in me for letting this happen. He'll be upset and angry I don't need him to hate me for something I couldn't control. There is also the fact that he doesn't even know about the pregnancy. I should have just told him last night when they called me. I should have known I was pregnant.

The knock on the door surprised me. The two doctors had just left saying they will give me a few minutes alone but within seconds they were knocking again.

"Lina dear?" God why do I have to come to the same hospital that my mother-in-law works at? She looks at my chart before I have a moment to respond and her usual smile fades quickly as she reads. "Oh Lina." That's all she can say. That's all anyone can say. Not that I blame her. How do I explain this to her? "I didn't know you were pregnant."

"I found out last night." I play with my wedding band slowly unable to look her in the eyes.

"What did Elliot say?"

"I haven't told him. I… I don't think… I don't think I should. I don't want to disappoint him Grace. Please don't say anything to anyone." This is a terrible way to start a marriage but I just can't face him right now. I can't do this just yet.

"Dear he deserves to know." always the voice of reason.

"I know that but I want to be the one to tell him and for now I don't know what to say."

"We can do it together Lina."

"Not yet. Please just give me sometime to get used to this myself." I can't even think right now much less talk about it. I can't help but feel responsible for what happened. Maybe If I would have known about it sooner then this wouldn't have happened. Maybe If I actually took my birth control like I was suppose to this whole thing could have been avoided.

"I will tell him Grace Just not now."

"Would you like me to stay dear?" she asks kindly.

"Yes." I'm suppose to wait. I could have a procedure to get the fetus removed but I couldn't do it. All I can do is just wait for it to pass. I was sent home an hour later and I would come back in a few days to make sure that everything was okay. I was set on going home alone to pick up Evan but Grace wouldn't hear of it. I just wanted to lay down and not think. Not move hoping that if I stayed completely still that today wouldn't have happened. I was getting so excited making plans for my three kids and my husband and so suddenly things changed. I was knowingly pregnant for a total of one day. I want to say I am glad that it was only one day because if it had been more I would have been so much more upset. As soon as I got home with Evan and Grace I went straight to my bedroom for a change of clothes. I just wanted to sleep.

"Lina I have to get home is there anything you need?" Grace asked me as she walked into the room where Evan and I were resting. I should have made more of an effort to be grateful but I couldn't. I'll apologize tomorrow. Elliot let me know that he and Isabelle were together and I was grateful for being semi alone. I tried staying up and waiting for them to get home but sleep got the best of me so i slept. It wasn't until later that day when Elliot cam home and put his arms around me that the numbness disappeared. His hand went over my stomach and all I could think about was that there was a dead baby inside me.I usher his hand away but i felt even more cold with out him so instead i moved so that my face was buried in his chest. I tried to contain my tears so he wouldn't know I was upset but it was too much. I felt empty. His grip on me tightened as he tried to make me feel better and he didn't even know what was wrong. How could he when I'm the terrible wife that can't even be honest. I so don't deserve him. If anything I deserve what happened for being such a crappy person.

"Sleep baby, I'm right here." he said to me pressing his lips to my forehead.

Isabelle lost her first tooth yesterday and I was so caught up on something that happened that I didn't even notice until she woke up the next day to her being excited that the tooth fairy did visit her. Daddy promised her the fairy would show up and he didn't forget. She was really upset about it and told me in detail over breakfast what she and her dad did yesterday.

"Daddy said you didn't call on the phone." she says eaten her sandwich.

"Yeah I'm sorry baby I was just a little busy."

"It's okay." She looks so honest just smiling at me.

"why don't we get going I don't want you to be late." As I took her to school all i kept thinking about was how it could "pass" at any minute I was waiting to feel it but I didn't.

It wasn't until late saturday night when Elliot and I were in the middle of watching a movie that I felt it. We were in our bedroom and he was leaning back against the bed frame. I sat between his legs resting my back on his chest. I hoped that it was just bleeding but this felt different. It was thicker in a sense. My back was still aching so Elliot kept having me lean forward just enough so that he could massage my shoulders but he didn't know why. Obviously the pain wasn't in my shoulders but having him touch me was soothing enough.

"Any better?" He asked referring to my back pain. I felt his hands rest lightly over my stomach so that i was completely wrapped in him. My own human blanket.

"Yes. Thank you." i angled my head to look back at him. His hand moved from where it was on my stomach traveling up wards cupping my breast and continuing north until it rested on my jaw. I closed my eyes waiting for him to press his lips against mine, which he did after a second. There was no movement just his lips touching mine. "I love you." I said pulling back just enough so that I could look at him.

Just think about the movie. I said to myself. It was an action movie. I really don't care for them but it's his turn to pick what we watch considering that he puts up with my shows during the week. I know I promised I would stay awake but its boring me so I'm slipping into sleep. Until I wasn't.

"where are you going? It just got good?" He says pausing it to follow me. I was hoping that he would be so distracted by the movie that he wouldn't but I was wrong. I have been acting distant with him physically that he was taking today to use the movie as an excuse to be as close to me as possible. I didn't mind it of course but i felt somewhat dirty. Because I was a liar.

"Give me a minute." I walked to the bathroom and closed the door just before he walked in.

"Lina open the door." I carefully pulled my pants to see that "it" had passed.

"One minute." I shout back with a shaky voice. I hear him curse from the other side of the door then I hear rattling with the door knob. I wash my hands as he opens the door and looks at me through the mirror.

"What the fuck happened? Why did you run out?"

"I'm Pregnant." I tell his slowly turning around.

"Baby that's-"

"It's not great. I'm having a miscarriage." He looks down between my legs unsure of what to say.

"What?" I give him a run through of the past few days and I see his face change with every word I say. I feel guilty for telling him now. I tell him how I am just suppose to wait for it to pass or have a procedure. When he asks why I decided to not have a procedure.

"I don't know I just thought this was better."

"When were you going to tell me?" he asks his forehead creased from both worry. Or maybe he's just hurt.

"I was going to tell you tonight and every other night this week but i was scared that you wouldn't… I don't know why. I just was scared."

"You should have told me."

"I'm sorry." I look down at my hands waiting for his wrath but it doesn't come. "I don't know what to do. You can be mad and hate me because I deserve it. Can you help me though?" He doesn't say much and i can't move. I'm afraid to move or breathe. After a few minutes Grace arrives and she tells us what to do.

I couldn't really focus so I'm not sure on the details of what happened. We must have just thrown it away i guess. That's just what happens. As soon as Grace left and i took a shower I got in bed closing my eyes. I felt the bed dip next to me as Elliot joined me a few minutes later. I should apologize again.

"I was happy for five seconds I was happy." He says once he's laying down.

"I told Mia the other day. I wanted to tell her so that I could do this big surprise for you when I told you." i admitted turning on my side to face him. He made no effort to move or look at me. "I hoped for a girl. I think Isabelle would want a sister." like I had growing up.

"How long did you know?"

"A few hours really. But i got my hopes up so easily."

"You should have told me the minute you weren't feeling well. I don't want a surprise. I want you to be okay Lina. Nothing else matters."

"But you were so disappointed. I want to give you kids many of them and to see your face just now…"

"You already gave me kids."

"What if we… I can't have kids anymore?"

"Then we will only have two. That's all that means." He moves to face me and grabs my hand kissing my ring. "With this ring I promise to love you in good times and in bad, with all I have to give and all that I am, in the only way I know how, completely and forever, as your love and best friend."

"Your love and best friend." I repeat after him.

"Marriage is hard." he says pulling me closer to him.

"Worth it with you though."

"We'll make it baby. We can have another baby. Later we can try."

"I'm so in love with you. After all the shit that I still have you."

"Always baby." Always.