Fiddle

"You know what game we haven't played in forever? That old rock band thing," Freddie commented as him and Sam sat on the Shay's couch.

"Oh yeah, I used to love that game," Sam nodded. "Carls? Is it down in the storage unit or something?"

"I dunno, I'm not sure," Carly shrugged. "Maybe."

"What are the odds of you going to find out?"

"Come on, can't you two do it?" Carly sighed. "You're the ones who want to play that stupid game."
"That's such a far walk down, though," Sam moaned.

"Well then just sit and watch T.V!"
"There's nothing on," Freddie pointed out.

"Well maybe there is at your own homes," Carly mumbled under her breath.

"What?"

"Nothing," Carly said quickly, getting to her feet. "I just said I'm gonna go grab some grapes."

"Oh, I'll take a root beer," Sam said.

"Make it two?" Freddie asked.

"Fine," Carly groaned.

She headed into the kitchen, where Spencer was cooking chicken stir-fry for dinner.

"This is all your fault!" Carly hissed, swatting her brother's shoulder.

"Um, ow!" Spencer winced. "What's my fault?"

"You just had to make this place so teen friendly, didn't you?" Carly said. "You realize that Sam and Freddie have been here for the past seventy-two hours?"
"So? They're your friends," Spencer shrugged.

"Yes, and I love them and all, but they're driving me crazy!" Carly said. "I mean I need a little break! Man…I remember back when the two of them were dating I used to sit around wishing for them to hang out here instead of ditching me to make out and go on their little dates."

"Well who knows, maybe the two of them will get back together soon and they'll give you some peace and quiet," Spencer said.

"You know, I actually did think they'd be back together by now," Carly commented. "I mean its been six months since they broke up. And they obviously still have feelings for each other. Anybody who hangs around them for ten minutes can tell you something's still there. But of course, they're just too stubborn to do anything about it."

"Well then maybe they'll find some other people to date," Spencer reasoned. "You know, I bet if that happened, the two of them would realize that they were really happy together and would couple up again."
"Yeah…" Carly said slowly. "I bet they would…"
"Too bad neither of them have been out on any dates since the break-up, though," Spencer said, turning back to his wok. "So that idea's a dud."

"Maybe not," Carly said thoughtfully. "Spence, what if we were to kind of make that little scenario happen?"

"What do you mean?" Spencer frowned.

"I mean we set Sam and Freddie up on horrible dates!" Carly explained. "They'll go out, have a miserable time, realize how much they miss each other, and couple up again! They'll be all happy and I'll be able to finally go five minutes without having to listen to some insane argument or have people begging me to scrounge our storage unit for video games."
"I don't know," Spencer said. "Set Sam and Freddie up on dates? I can't even find a date for myself!"

"Come on, it won't be that bad," Carly said. "The date's not supposed to go well, after all. In fact I know the perfect guy for Sam to go out with. I met him at the Groovy Smoothie a few days ago, and Sam would hate him. He's a vegan, he reads old supreme court cases for fun, and he's a pacifist."
"Wow, someone who hates meat, likes to be bored, and is against violence," Spencer commented. "No way that date can go well."

"Don't you know any weird girls that you can set Freddie up with?" Carly begged.

"Well…I guess maybe Socko's niece," Spencer said. "She has a tendency to give all her dates a complete history of all her scabs."

"Nice!" Carly said approvingly. "He'll puke ten minutes in! So it's settled then. We'll set them up for their dates this Saturday night, which will give them all of Sunday to realize that they need to be together, which means Monday after school I can come home, take a bubble bath, and not want to pull my hair out."

"You sure this is a good idea?" Spencer asked. "Isn't it wrong to meddle in other people's love lives?"

"Spencer!"

"Yeah, I'm totally kidding," Spencer smiled. "I'm in!"

"Hey, Carly!" Sam called from the living room. "Are you making the root beer from scratch or something?"

"See what I mean?" Carly sighed. "Saturday can not come soon enough. But now for the hard part…getting them to agree to these dates at all…"

….

"Come on, Sam, it will be good for you!" Carly begged as the two girls sat up in her room late the next evening.

"I don't know, Carly," Sam mumbled. "A blind date? That's not really my thing…"

"But it's not a total blind date," Carly said. "I've met the guy, and I'm telling you, you'll love him. You and Paul would be so good together!"

"What kind of a name is Paul," Sam scoffed.

"He's a sweet guy," Carly said. "Besides, you haven't been out on a date in six months, not since you and Freddie ended things."
"Yeah, and I'm still scarred from that," Sam smirked. "Seriously, Carls, I-I'm just not looking to get involved in this whole dating scene again. I'm enjoying single life!"

"But just think how nice it would be to have a relationship again!" Carly urged. "You'd have someone to treat you like a princess, someone you can talk to, somewhere else to spend every waking second of your life-"

"What was that last one?"

"Someone to buy you ham," Carly added quickly.

"Huh," Sam said thoughtfully. "I have missed not having to pay for my own meats…Okay, you-you say this Paul guy is cool?"

"So cool," Carly nodded.

"Well, um…fine, what the heck," Sam conceded. "I guess one night of free food won't kill me."

"Great!" Carly beamed happily.

"So what, are you gonna give him my number or-"

"He'll meet you at The Cheesecake Warehouse Saturday night at seven," Carly said promptly. "I've already got it all set up."

…..

"Spencer, come on, this is a ridiculous idea," Freddie said as him and Spencer sat down in the Shay's living room.

"What's ridiculous about me setting you up on a date with a nice girl?" Spencer asked.

"You can't even set a date up for yourself!"

"Hey!" Spencer exclaimed indignantly.

"Look, I don't do blind dates," Freddie said firmly.

"Why not?" Spencer said. "Besides, Glenda's not some freak."

"But I still don't even know her," Freddie pointed out.

"So? What if this girl is the one?" Spencer argued. "And you never meet her because you wouldn't even go on one date with her?"
"I highly doubt she's the one," Freddie chuckled.

"How do you know? Who made you a love expert?" Spencer snapped. "And what's the big deal about going on a blind date anyway? Worse case scenario, you just don't make a second date. But at least this way you can say you gave it a try."
Freddie pondered this for a moment.

"Plus, she's really cute," Spencer added.

"Alright," Freddie finally sighed. "I guess…I guess one date won't hurt. So you wanna give me this Glenda's number or-"

"She'll meet you at Pink Bunny at seven this Saturday night," Spencer said. "Wear a tie."

I'm going to kill Carly, Sam thought as she finished the last of her over-sized salad while trying not to pass out from boredom. Cool guy my butt! This Paul freak makes Gibby look like a person!

"-And so it was because of that landmark decision that the great state of Wisconsin made it illegal to plant more than six tomato plants in one's front garden!" Paul said excitedly. "Revolutionary, right?"

"Yeah, I don't know that didn't make the front page of all the papers," Sam mumbled dryly. She grabbed a roll from the basket in the middle of the table. "So I'm guessing you want to be a lawyer or a judge or something else totally dull, right?"

"Oh no, definitely not," Paul said at once.

"Well then why the heck have you been going on about Supreme Court cases all night?" Sam snapped.

"They're just fun?" Paul smiled. "The anticipation waiting for a verdict to be made…it's just all so exhilarating, don't you think!"

"No, I don't think!" Sam said. "What kind of a loser would think that reading fifty-page documents is actually-"

"Your entrées," the teens' waiter announced, setting two plates down on the table. As the aroma from the chicken on her plate wafted up to her nostrils, Sam decided she'd forgo the argument for the sake of enjoying the delicious meal in front of her. She quickly cut herself a piece and shoved it into her mouth.

"Oh yeah, now this is good chicken," Sam said, savoring the flavor. "It's like it was fried in the Oil of the Gods or something. You know, I don't think I've ever had a meal that hasn't made me want to marry it here. Hey, how's your…um, what is that?"

She frowned as she glanced over at Paul's plate, which had an odd, goo-like substance on it.

"Tofu stir-fry," Paul replied. "Complete with a butternut squash glaze. It's quite good, would you like to try some?"

"Ugh, no," Sam cringed instinctively. "Why would anyone want to eat tofu when you're at a place that will give you a slab of meat the size of your head?"

"Well as a vegan I'm really not too fond of-"

"Whoa, whoa, whoa," Sam said quickly. "You're a vegan? Like-like a vegetarian?"

"Sort of," Paul explained. "See, a vegan doesn't eat meat, but they also don't eat any animal prodcuts, such as milk, cheese-"

Sam nearly gagged on her food. "What? So what, you just eat carrots?"

"Er, I-I'd say there's a few other options out there that-"

"I'm killing Carly," Sam mumbled under her breath.

"Sorry, what was that?"

"Oh, um, nothing," Sam said reluctantly. She figured she'd might as well get through desert before she dumped this kid. A giant piece of chocolate-pecan cheesecake might save night from being completely unbearable.

"So, any plans for the rest of your weekend?" Paul asked.

"Oh, I dunno," Sam shrugged. "There's supposed to be a pretty good MMA fight on tomorrow night, so I'll probably just sit around and watch that."

"Fighting?" Paul repeated.

"Yeah," Sam nodded. "Gus Gyver is taking on Don the Tank. Everybody thinks the Tank is gonna win, but I really think Gyver has a shot. He does this awesome elbow thing that can break a nose perfectly in half! Hey, have you ever seen an MMA fight?"
"I-I don't care much for fighting," Paul told her. "See, I'm a Pacifist."

"So? You don't have to be Jewish to watch a fight."

"No, a Pacifist is someone who opposes fighting," Paul said.

Sam dropped her fork. "Excuse me?"

"Yeah, I just think all this violence is so unnecessary," Paul said. "Whatever happened to talking things out?"

"It's fun!" Sam argued. "What could be better than watching two people beating the snot out of each other?"

"But wouldn't it be better for these fighters to just work through whatever inner conflicts they're going through with their words?" Paul said. "You know, maybe instead of fighting each other, they could meet for a cup of chamomile tea?"

"You know what?" Sam said, grabbing her bag and sliding the contents of her plate into it. "Even cheesecake isn't worth me sitting through another second of this. So Pete, Joe…whatever your name was…this has been, er, slightly better than a root canal from a hobo, so I'm gonna head out."
"Wait, can I call you?" Paul asked eagerly.

"Absolutely not," Sam said promptly, picking up the last roll from the basket and stuffing it into her mouth.

….

"-And I got this scab from when I was picking radishes," Glenda said, pointing to a mark on her elbow. "The doctors said it was real infected. There was pus and everything!"

"Um…wow," Freddie said, trying not to vomit. "You-You sure do like to talk about your scabs."

"It makes great date conversation, doesn't it?" Glenda beamed. "Hey, do you have any scabs you want to tell me about?"
"No, no," Freddie said quickly. "I-I tend to keep those sorts of things to myself."

"Come on, Freddie, scabs are nothing to be ashamed of," Glenda told him. "They're nature's Band-Aids!"

What was Spencer thinking? Freddie thought as he pushed his cup of frozen yogurt away, having lost his appetite nearly half-an-hour ago. This girl is nuts! Why would he set me up with her?

"So, what do you like to do for fun?" Glenda asked, snapping Freddie out of his thoughts.

"Oh, um, well, I'm really into computers," Freddie said, glad to finally have a change in conversation topics. "I'm pretty good at programming and designing apps. I'm hoping to eventually-"

"Hey, speaking of computers, wanna know a cool website?" Glenda interrupted loudly.

"Um, sure," Freddie agreed.

"It's called what'swrongwithmybody .com," Glenda said. "It comes in handy when you have scabs in weird shapes. There was this one time I thought I had a pretty bad one on my knee, but after a few clicks on that site I realized it was just grape jelly!"

Freddie used all his willpower to stop himself from gagging. "Right…um, well, hey, read any good books lately?"

"Yeah, Scabs Through the Ages," Glenda nodded.

"Of course," Freddie sighed.

A few hours later, Sam was sitting alone at a table at the Groovy Smoothie, absentmindedly fiddling with her straw. She had been on less-than-great dates before, but this one had to take the cake. She wasn't all too upset by the way the night had ended. After all, it's not like she saw herself going anywhere with Paul. But there was a little part of her that had hoped that her first date since she had broken up with Freddie would've at least gone a little better…because maybe then she would start to feel a little less miserable over that.

She sighed as she popped the lid off her smoothie and reached for her basket of French Fries, dunking one into the beverage. She gave a small smile as she thought back to the times when her and Freddie would come on dates here, they'd sit around for hours doing just this.

Suddenly, she heard the door of the restaurant open and she looked up to see none other than Freddie himself.

"Oh, hey," Freddie said, spotting Sam. "What-What are you doing here?"

Sam shrugged. "Dunking my fries in my smoothie."

"Ah," Freddie nodded. "You care if I sit with you?"

"Well there's no one better to hang out with right now, so why not," Sam replied. "What's with the tie?"

"Oh, um, I actually had a date tonight," Freddie said, sitting down across from her.

"A date?" Sam repeated, trying to sound nonchalant. "What poor girl did you manage to rope into that?"

"Spencer set me up," Freddie explained. "It was with Socko's niece, Glenda."

"Oh," Sam said simply. "Well…how'd that go?"

"Considering I spent the entire time trying not to throw up in my mouth, I'd put this date pretty low on the scale," Freddie sighed.

Sam perked up a bit. "So it was a bust?"

"The girl didn't stop talking about her scabs the entire time," Freddie shuddered.

"Gross," Sam cringed.

"I know," Freddie nodded. "I couldn't even eat my frozen yogurt, so I'm starving. Hey…I know you have a policy about sharing food, but you care if I take some fries?"

"Yeah, go ahead," Sam said. "I paid for them with a twenty I stole from your wallet last night anyway."

"So what have you been up to tonight?" Freddie asked, taking a fried and dipping it into the smoothie. "Why are you all dolled up?"

"Eh, Carly set me up on a date too," Sam said.

"She did?" Freddie frowned. "Oh, um…that-that's cool. So how'd it go? Hopefully he didn't talk about scabs the entire time."

"No," Sam chuckled. "But it was still a dud."

"It was?" Freddie said quickly. "I mean…aw, that-that's too bad. What went wrong?"

"The dude was just a total loser," Sam said. "Even more of a loser than you, which is really saying something. You know, for my best friend, Carly really set me up with someone who's my total opposite. This guy was super boring, hated meat, and was a Pacifist. I don't know what she was thinking setting me up with him!"
"You know, now that you mention it, I don't know what Spencer was thinking either," Freddie said. "He knows I'm super squeamish about scabs. Why would he think Glenda and I would work out?"

"Hey…" Sam said slowly. "Don't you think it's kind of a big coincidence that Spencer and Carly both set us on terrible dates?"

"Huh…now that you mention it, yeah, that does seem kind of weird," Freddie agreed. "You think maybe they set us up on terrible dates on purpose?"

"There's no way dates that bad happen on accident," Sam said.

"But…I don't get it," Freddie said, confused. "Why would they do that? Why would they knowingly set us up with people who made us miserable? What's the point?"

"Who knows, those two can be real strange sometimes," Sam said. She looked down at her phone. "Hey…it's only ten o'clock."

"My mom's not going to be back from the hospital until tomorrow morning," Freddie said slowly. "So, um, do you wanna maybe come back to my place? We can watch a movie and finish telling each other about our horrible dates."

"Will there be snacks?" Sam smirked.

"There will be snacks," Freddie smiled.

"Alright, well, this night can't get any worse," Sam said. "So let's go, Benson. Maybe the two of us can manage to have some fun tonight."