Ch 030

I might have over reacted the yesterday with Elliot. Sure I was upset but he was just being overly worried. He always is a worrier. He always has been. I knew in the back of my mind that he didn't mean any of the things he said but he just kept talking and every time he said something it just kept getting worse and worse. Me making him leave was a bit much though. He could have stayed in the living room. I shouldn't have made him leave. Surprisingly I feel pretty good today so now I'm making him breakfast. That's assuming he comes home.

I hate how I call this home. It's his home but not mine. My house is in Seattle with our kids and our dog. That's his house too but he's been away so long it's starting to be strange when he's there. I didn't want that. Originally the plan was that he would be here for three months. But of course the weather has decided that we need more time apart and that caused delays so he has been her for five months. That's almost half of the year. The only good thing is that during summer when Isabelle was out of school we spent a month and a half with him here but then we had to go back to Seattle. It's been hard on our marriage but honestly it's made me love him more. Plus it's hard to try for a baby when our meetings were limited to weekends only. But during the weekend we made up for the sex we didn't have in the week. God only knows how much sex we had, and it's like I couldn't get enough. I wanted sex daily and he wasn't there. He went as far as to buy me a vibrator for when he wasn't here. But he didn't realize that the whole idea of wanting sex so much was so that we could have a baby.

"This is a really nice thought Elliot but I don't think I need this." He looks down at the box that's set on my lap.

"Lina, lately you've been wanting sex all the time. Don't get me wrong baby I'm all for it but I don't think you should rush to Portland for sex. Better late than never." I couldn't stop laughing after that. He kept looking at me seriously as if I had lost it. It took me a while to talk to him and explain that I found it funny. That new toy lead to some pretty interesting phone conversations over the next few months.

I think it was a few months after Evan turned one that we decided to have another baby. This one was completely planned.

"Mia she's perfect." She really is. A perfect little newborn baby weighing seven pounds. She was already covering in pink clothes and wrapped tightly in her pink blanket. Of course the pink she has on now is just a taste of her girly nursery. I believe Ana is on her way and the grandparents have already met her so I have her all to my self as Mia is about to sleep. Luke, Elliot and the kids all went to get some real food while I sit with Mia. I look up to see Mia's smile fading and her muscles relax as she falls asleep. She must be exhausted, 14 hours in labor will do that to you. I hold the newborn in my arms daydreaming about when Evan was this small. That was one of the best days of my life without a doubt so I can imagine how happy she and Luke are.

"You have that look on your face." I look to the door where Ana is walking in with flowers. Her security stays outside making so that Mia will have privacy.

"What look?" I ask quietly trying not to disturb either sleeping women in the room.

"You have the same look my husband had five months ago." I tilt my head to the side unsure of what she means. She motions to her growing belly. That look. Do I have that look? I mean it would be nice to have a newborn at home but I'm not exactly thinking about it. It's not something Elliot and I have talked about.

"He had the look? I thought it was something you both wanted?"

"It was but he brought the topic up much sooner than I was ready for." I look at her as she looks down at the little girl in my arms.

"When did he bring it up?"

"About six months after Teddy." Yeah that was way too soon.

"What changed your mind?"

"I always wanted more than one child. I grew up an only child I didn't want that for him. It would be nice to see him have someone to play with. And he will now." I nod my head remembering how fun it was growing up with all my siblings.

"Yea it is nice. It's always nice seeing Izzy and Evan play together. Even with the age difference they find someway to have fun." I tell her a story about how they play with George and they really do get along most of the time. They're loud as hell when they're together but at least they entertain themselves. "Plus I can't always play with them so they have someone who goes along with all their crazy ideas."

"Why haven't you gone back into work?" She looks at me.

"Because I'm not ready to go back. I loved working and being able to be independent but I love taking care of my family more. I'm afraid that I'll miss something. I've always wanted a family. I've wanted it more than anything. Growing up I was that girl that dreamed of her wedding and having kids and a husband. Maybe I'll go back when Evan is in school but for now, I'm okay just being home. And as long as Elliot is okay with it, so am I." We sat quietly just looking at the baby until I realized she hadn't held her yet.

"Do you want more children?"

"I don't know. I'm okay with what we have now. It's just not something I've talked about with Elliot yet." My mother has asked, especially after Virginia had her baby but I just didn't consider it.

"Well you have that look." Mia woke up a while later and Luke still wasn't back but she was glad to have us there. She was worried about what every new mom is scared about and she was embarrassed to ask with Luke there.

"I don't... want him to think that I'm unfit. I want to be a good mom to her and Luke, well I just don't want to disappoint them. What if she starts crying and I can't get her to stop. Is there a way to know?" Ana and I look at each other and shake our heads.

"Teddy had different cries. I know it sounds strange but the truth is there was one that was always more intense than another. It takes time Mia. And you'll be great."

"Just love them and the rest will fall into place. I know it's hard to think things will be easy but you'll get used to it. And it's worth it." She nods sadly. We can't really say much to convince her. "I know you must be scared but you'll have Luke and the rest of your family if you need anything." I'm sure our pep talk was not enough to convince her that she's make it but at least she got to talk to someone. I know Ana didn't have anyone since she was the first of us to have a baby. Technically it was me but I couldn't have given any advice.

"Hey baby. How are you feeling?" Luke came in with Evan in his arms but not Elliot or Isabelle. I watched as he walked up to Mia to kiss her then placed his hand lightly on their daughters head. He said something that I couldn't hear and Mia blushed. He's the only one that makes her blush. "Elliot got a call from work. He took Isabelle." That's irritating. Especially since that means that I have no car. He must not have thought things out too clearly. "Take my car. I won't be leaving any time soon." Ok maybe he did.

And he sure did. He had planned to leave me at the hospital so that by the time I got home there was a candle lit dinner for all four of us and the movie room was set up to watch Isabelle's favorite movie. I got home and he was standing in the kitchen serving the wine. I placed Evan on the floor and he took off before I stood back up. I walked behind Elliot and put my arms around his waist kissing his back. "You're the best husband a girl could hope for Mr. Grey."

"You're early. I'm not done setting up."

"I can help. Where do you want me?" He hands me the glass of wine only to take it back and take a small sip.

"Nowhere. This is me treating you. Just enjoy." I sigh as he says that.

"You already do so much for us Elliot."

"Because I work?" He cocks his head to the side taking a sip of my wine again.

"Yes."

"So what? I do it because I like it. And I... What's wrong?"

"Nothing. Maybe I should work again." I'm not entirely sure where that came from.

"If that's what you want to do then sure baby. But I know you love being home with Evan and Isabelle. I'll support you either way."

"It's just I don't want you to think I'm taking advantage of you. I don't want you to think that I just sit and lounge all day."

"I never said you did. And your aren't taking advantage of me. What's mine is yours Lina. And what's yours is mine right?"

"Everything I have is yours elliot. I am yours."

"Mine." His hand cups my cheek just for a second before he kisses my lips. "I love you." I peck his lips quickly but he continues to place butterfly kisses on my lips and face.

"Daddy I finished. Eww why do you always have to kiss?" As usual my favorite little cock blocker has perfect timing.

"To show her I love her. Just like I have to kiss you."

"I finished upstairs. Can I chose the movie?"

"Sure kid dinner first though. Can you take these to the table?" He hands her some table wear n she sets it up as I watch. She's completely on board with the whole idea of me being treated. All I had to do was sit and eat.

Before I knew it my boys had fallen asleep so Isabelle and I stayed up pretty late just talking and doing things together. It reminded me of the day when I took her out and now we do it regularly.

"Why did auntie Mia have a baby?" She asked me.

"Because her and uncle Luke wanted one." I said simply running my hand over her head.

"Is that why aunt Ana is having one too?" I nod my head looking down at her face. "You don't want one?" I smiled questioningly at her.

"Why do you ask?" She shrugs her shoulders.

"Because everyone is going to have a baby except you." I wonder what brought this on. I mean besides the fact that everyone does have babies except me.

"Just because everyone is doing something doesn't mean I have to do it too." Might as well turn this into a life lesson.

"But you don't want one?" What is with everyone asking me that.

"Its a little more complicated than that Isabelle. I get a little sick when I'm pregnant and I don't think your daddy should have to deal with me being sick a lot. Right now I have you and Evan that's all I need. You two are perfect." I slowly kiss her forehead trying to read from her body language what she thinks of that.

"Oh ok then." She sounds slightly disappointed. Even though I know I don't want to hear the answer I ask anyways.

"Do you want me to have a baby?" She's quiet for a minute until she smiles and nods her head. "Why?"

"So I can have a lot of people in my family."

"Why?"

"So I can take care if them. And we can play."

"You can take care of your cousins and your little brother."

"Ok." She sounded very disappointed but I didn't ask again. Or she never asked me but she must have talked about it with Elliot. I'm actually positive that she asked because that's when he came to me about a new baby.

He said he had the same conversation that she and I had weeks earlier but to him she asked if we could have another baby. It wasn't the first time he thought about a new baby but it wasn't until Isabelle talked to him that he approached me about it.

"Yeah I don't know where that came from. I figured she wouldn't want another sibling." He says as I fold the laundry. He is leaning on the wall with his arms crossed watching me for any signs.

"I think she does." I say simply.

"Oh. Have you thought about it?"

"Well Elliot it's not really her decision. It's not a toy I can return when she's sick of it. And for the most part I'm the one who will care for the baby."

"She just wants another girl around. Maybe a little sister."

"Well now she will have little Savanah Sawyer to play with." I say jokingly. When he doesn't respond I look at him to see that he is simply nodding his head. "What?" He shrugs his shoulders.

"Just thinking about it now that's it's been brought up."

"About having a baby?"

"Yup."

"And?" I ask afraid of his response.

"It would be nice to have a little you around the house." I smile at him.

"Sounds like you've thought about it more than just recently."

"Well Evan is already one. It would be nice to you know have another one." I'm sure I was frozen unable to say anything. Because what do you say to that? "Just... can you think about it at least? I know that it may be too soon but I think I'm ready. Not to put pressure on you Lina but just saying. I mean... we're not getting any younger right?" I nod. "Just think about it baby."

He didn't bring up the baby conversation for the next few days. I was grateful for that because I didn't want to say no and disappoint him. But I also didn't want to say yeas and give him hope when I wasn't sure about it myself. It wasn't until we had the sawyers over for dinner one day that I decided that we would.

I knocked on Elliot's office door before walking in. Mia and Luke spontaneously went out and that left me and Elliot on babysitting duty for Sav.

"She asleep yet?" He asks as I approach his desk.

"Not yet. She's eating." I motion the bottle. He takes the baby and I sit in front of him on his desk.

"The kids?"

"They're sleeping still." They went out with Ana and Christian earlier so they're tired.

"I was thinking-"

"Oh no." He jokes.

"Shut up. Anyway, I was thinking that you were right. About a baby."

"Lina? Are you serious?" I nod my head. I lean down to give him a kiss. "Fuck right now?" He keeps smiling and so do I.

"Well birth control won't wear off for a while but I think that we should. Just one more though. And I-" he didn't even let me finish when his lips crushed mine. Of course we were interrupted by a little month old I had in my arms but it was a pretty good moment.

For the next six months Elliot and I tried to make a baby. We tried every way we could think of anytime we could. The first month we didn't really expect much considering that I was still on birth control and nothing would happen. The next five months we had been expecting to be pregnant right away like with Evan but it didn't happen. Month seven was when I started getting disappointed. Not worried really because I knew we could have a baby but just upset at the fact that it hadn't happened yet. We were nine months in when my sister Ann got pregnant. She had only been trying for four months. We wanted to surprise everyone so we never said anything about trying for a baby. Before Sav's first birthday Mia told us she and Luke wanted another baby. Elliot found me in the car crying that day.

"It will happen Lina. We just have to give it time." He whispered as I cried into his shirt.

"We have. We've been trying for months. It's been almost a year and nothing. Do you know how much I hate taking the pregnancy tests now because I know they'll be negative? And then you always have to watch me as I wait for them. I see your face when they come out negative I can see just how disappointed you are. But then you just try to make me feel better. I appreciate it Elliot really I do but it's not easy. I know this bothers you too so I don't mean to sound insensitive but it's frustrating."

"I don't know what you want from me. You're mad when I get upset and you're mad when I don't get upset. If it hasn't happened then there is nothing we can do about it. If it happens great. But if it doesn't then-"

"Don't say it will be okay. You know it won't. You were the one that brought it up. I want a baby too so if it doesn't happen it would disappoint us both and you know that."

"Maybe we could talk to someone. See a specialist or something." I have been thinking about that but I didn't because I didn't want to bring it up because that would be like giving up on the natural way. But that's what we did.

That weekend we talked to Grace who told us about a fertility specialist and two weeks later I was on a bed having an ultrasound. Elliot sat in the chair next to me making jokes as we waited for someone to come in to talk to us.

What it came down to was my low hormone levels making it hard for me to get pregnant. I was pretty upset about that. It took a few days to get over that but Elliot always tried to keep my spirits up. We would do simple things like go to the movies or casual late night dinners. When I was finally over it we started taking hormone injections to help get pregnant.

"Why are you watching? Do you think I'm going to do it wrong?" Elliot shrugs and sits back in the bed watching me.

"Can I do it?" I look at him seriously. "I wanna help get you pregnant." He smiles that smile that is especially for me. It's the one where he shows all his teeth and his eyes get wrinkles at the corner. I motion for him to do it and he's taken back. I guess the process is pretty hard to do but as soon as we figured it out and I felt the pinch I laughed which made him smile. "See, I'm useful at this getting pregnant shit too."

I had another miscarriage three months later and that was pretty bad. Not for medical reasons but it just caused me to become incredibly depressed. I didn't eat for about a week and Elliot was just as depressed, I didn't notice he wasn't eating either. Our parenting duties were the only thing that didn't change while we were upset. We stopped talking to our families and I stopped calling people.

That's why it bothered me that he so quickly and lightly suggested I should just abort. After all the trouble we had gone through to get pregnant he could so easily just say what he did.

He walked in just as I finished making breakfast.

"Hi." I say awkwardly looking at him.

"Hey... You're up."

"Yes I made you breakfast."

"You're not eating?"

"I will if I can." He nods slowly then proceeds to drop the bag he took last night to a couch nearby. "Elliot, last night... I'm sorry about what happened. What I said."

"You didn't do anything wrong. I should be apologizing. I hope you know I didn't mean that. You should know I didn't. I'm just frustrated Lina... Fuck." He sits down and puts his head in his hands. "Lina you're so small as it is and these last few weeks you just keep getting smaller and not eating. I have a right to worry. Obviously last night was an exaggeration on my part but I think I was right in being dramatic. I found you half passed out in the stairs, what if you had fallen baby? You think that it's okay for me to just show up and see that? And then you wouldn't fucking let me help you. I wanted to carry you because you couldn't even fucking walk but you were too damn worried about everyone else!"

"I didn't want to embarrass you." I say weakly.

"Embarrass me? That's what you thought? I don't give two shits about what anyone in that room thought as long as you were fucking okay." He raised his voice at me and that made me even more nervous and guilty. He has the patience of a saint when it comes to me so the fact that he's this loud when I'm as sick as I am speaks even louder volumes.

"Im sorry."

"For what? What the hell are you apologizing for?"

"Why are you mad?"

"Because of you!" He shouts frustrated.

"I know because of me but what did I do?"

"You have no regard for safety. I want the baby to be okay but you don't... Fuck you can't fucking understand how damn frustrating it is to worry about both of you. If something happens to you, you lose the baby. If you lose the baby it's because something happened to you."

"It's disappointing to have to miscarry again." I tell him.

"I know it is I went through the same shit you did Lina. It wasn't just you. I wanted that... I'm sorry I didn't come with the intention of arguing with you again. I'm... sorry about last night I really am."

"I don't know what to do any more."

"Just... Let me take care of you Carolina."

"You already-"

"Stop Lina. Just... Fucking stop with that bullshit. Yes I take care of our family financially I get that but you've been sick and no matter how much I beg you won't see a doctor. I stand here and all I so is hold your fucking hand. I have to beg you to let me hold your hand when you're sick. Do you have any fucking idea how frustrated I get?"

"Elliot." I walk up to him thinking of what to say but truthfully I'm lost.

"Just try and let me help you. Or someone. You don't have to go through this alone. Just talk to someone at least." That stung a bit mostly because by him saying that it means that he thinks I don't want to talk to him.

"I made an appointment with Dr. Torres for Friday. I tried to make it late so you could come. I want you to come if you can. I know you have work and it would be hard but I thought we could go together. And I could talk about the bad eating habits with her. Maybe she can help. Grace has been trying to get me to go but I never wanted to go without you."

"I would have moved things around and changed shifts just to be there baby."

"I miss you." I whisper tilting my head down as if I'm ashamed of missing my husband.

"Well, I'll be home now so you won't even have time to miss me."

"Right, just one more month." I smile weakly but when he smiles shaking his head.

"Nah I'm going home his weekend with you. Everything here is done. And I need to keep an eye on you."

Just like he said he went home that weekend. We had the apartment packed while we drove back to Seattle so that everything would be arriving that week. For the first time in months everything was good. That week I felt better than I had in all of my pregnancy combined. I ate just a bit more and if I didn't eat I at least wasn't throwing you.

"Mommy you're not sick anymore?"

"What baby?" I was sitting in what was going to be Evan's new room after the baby was born rearranging his toys.

"You're not sick?" I gently touched Isabelle's cheek.

"No baby. I have medicine and that is gonna help me not get sick."

"Is that why you and daddy were gone?"

"Yes that's where we were last week. I hope you know that even though you aren't my only baby I still love you just as much. You know what honey wait right here." I stand up and make my way to where Elliot and Evan are playing outside. It's beautiful to see them so relaxed especially Elliot. He's been so stressed with me lately it's taken it's toll. I'm just glad he gets a minute to be like this.

"Everything okay?"

"I want to tell Isabelle about the baby. Right now." I'm now 13 weeks pregnant and even though I'm still freaked out about how hard it was at first I think that this is something we should enjoy.

"Um sure. Is everything okay?" I walk to him and wrap my arms around his waist. I fel him press his lips against my forehead but his hands start sliding toward my behind cupping it gently.

"Everything is fine. I just want to tell her."

"Alright let's go. Hey buddy come inside. Evan let go inside a minute." Evan starts running toward us only to hang on to my leg. Elliot lifts him and grabs my hand so we can walk inside. Once we have Isabelle seated and Evan distracted enough we tell her.

"Another one?" Elliot and I can't contain our laughter.

"Yes. Daddy and I want you to have another sibling. It will be fun honey. You can take care of both of them and you wanted a baby right?"

She simply nods her head shyly and bites her hair like she has grown used to doing. And she really was happy. For the next few days she was talking about the baby to everyone. All of our families knew mostly because of all the hospital trips but if they didn't before Izzy made sure they did.

I was finally truly excited and so was Elliot. I was just fearing what would happen next.