Chapter 26
Something's not right. Beca can feel it right at the centre of her chest. She had been feeling it the entire night and it had become a bit of a distraction yet the meeting she was in since early that evening had hindered her from getting up the chair and heading to what could probably be the source, or better yet, who it's coming from. Unfortunately, the main discussion of the meeting had been extremely serious and had run on for hours, far longer than the usual meetings so it had to wait, no matter how painful it was getting.
Despite her intense focus on the reports being projected on to her screen from the video conference call straight from Romania, in the back of her mind she worries for the other half of her heart. Something's not right.
When the meeting finally ends, she almost jumps out of her seat and bolts out the door of her office. All the while, she places a hand over her chest to calm her beating heart.
When she bursts in through the door of her room, her eyes instantly lock on the person her heart seeks. The air between them stirs with a mixture of heaviness and sadness. It's like being draped over with a wet blanket made of wool, heavy and suffocating. Chloe was looking out the window before she came. When she steps in, the redhead turns her head to the side.
Something's seriously wrong.
From her tired movements to the lack of that sudden burst of energy and enthusiasm that she always exudes even if she's just standing in the corner clearly, something was bothering her enough to bring her mood down like this and Beca is ready to punch whoever was responsible for it.
Without hesitation, she crosses the gap between them and reaches out to hold Chloe, making her beloved redhead face her and pulling her closer to her arms where she hugs her tightly. She doesn't find resistance yet nor does she feel any sort of immediate reciprocation from the usually extremely affectionate redhead. Chloe's hands remain limp on her side for awhile until Beca feels them finally wrapping around her. Finally.
"Sunshine," It comes out as a whisper.
She tenderly caresses the back of Chloe's head with her hand before parting a bit to look into those beautiful yet sad blue eyes, "What's wrong?" she asks softly but Chloe's eyes glance down, not meeting her own dark blues. So she tries again, her hand moving to the redhead's cheek, "Who is it?"
Chloe weakly shakes her head in reply and it seemed like she wanted to say something but didn't know how. Beca could sense the struggle deep inside and it's causing her to worry even more. It's already been decided that Chloe Beale looking this forlorn is something she hates. She hates it because nobody is allowed to hurt her love and it pains her to see her like this.
There are already a million possible scenarios as to what have caused this and every single one of them angers her.
"Is it Tom? Did he try to touch you again?" she suddenly asks, the difficulty of controlling her rage audible with her words. Just the thought of it makes her want to blow someone up into smithereens.
When Chloe shakes her head the rage lessens but then she's back to thinking about what else could have happened, something devastating enough to bring Chloe looking this depressed.
But it seems as if her favourite redhead isn't ready to speak so Beca tries a more positive approach. At this point, she is willing to try anything that could bring Chloe to smile again.
"Do you want to go somewhere far? Anywhere with good food and music?"
There should be a smile anytime now no matter how small but instead the words finally coming out of her lips brings Beca's world to a stop.
"Is that what you and Stefan used to do?"
Her body stiffens at the name, her mind trying to catch the words spoken from the very lips she adored. Her hand on Chloe's cheek stills as she looks like she's just been shot. It terribly feels like it too, sudden and followed by an extremely excruciating pain spreading all over your body. Especially when those gorgeous baby blues filled with hurt look up at her.
The whole sky must've fell and crashed right upon her at that moment.
Beca doesn't know how to react to this. Of all the things that could go wrong tonight, this wasn't even on her list. This was the worst and to be honest, she doesn't know where to start. She has questions, too many of them and it's all making a mess in her head. She doesn't even want to know what all this is doing to her heart.
"Is it true?"
Chloe's broken tone makes her hands fall down to her sides. She wasn't ready for this.
At her lack of response, Chloe nods her head a couple of times as if trying to swallow this information which Beca's silence has most probably just confirmed.
Because, ironically, no answer is also an answer and the weight it brings is heavier than actual words.
But Beca knows she has to try, every fibre of her being urging her to fix this mess. She's never been one to do the fixing but with Chloe it feels like her whole life is at stake.
She's lost her once. Going through that again would kill her.
"Chlo, I can explain. Stefan and I—all the things I've done are horrible and it's impossible to justify but I would never have let him hurt you. I—"
"Hurt? Do you know how much it hurts to watch somebody you love being tortured in front of you only for it to turn out to be a lie. It feels like a really horrible joke that went too far," Chloe interrupts her. "I was there, Becs, thinking that, that was it! I was going to lose you forever!" she inhales shakily and watching her like this is like being torn apart from the inside.
"This isn't about what you did in the past, no. It doesn't matter to me! It's you, keeping this fact from me as if…" she trails off as she sniffs, tears starting to fall.
When she gets control of her emotions for a bit, she continues in a small voice, "You don't trust me,"
She faces her once more, eyes filled with tears. "Did you really think that I couldn't accept everything about you? I get that you couldn't tell me then, but now? Now that you know how I feel about you? God, Becs!"she breaks into a sob again.
Beca takes a tentative step forward, unsure and suddenly scared of where this is going, "Chlo, I didn't mean to…"
"Eight years and still, you haven't forgiven me," she cuts her off and the weak, uncertain tone is absolutely heartbreaking to hear.
"That's what it is, isn't it? You haven't forgiven me for what I've done and because of that you don't believe in me. You still think that this, us, is temporary. You still think that suddenly I'm just going to leave, that I'm not capable of being permanent in your life. That once I can't handle the truth, I'm incapable of staying," she cuts in a sad, weak tone.
"I've left everything I once knew not only for myself but because I love," she chokes back another sob. "I love you and I could never see myself being with anybody else. I'm willing to fight for you. I'm willing to… die for you. I'll do anything for you, anything, Beca. What more do I need to do to prove it to you? Because if you can't trust me, if you still have doubts, then… this, us, isn't going to work," she slowly shakes her head, wiping her tears with the back of her hand.
Beca shakes her head, her whole system panicking at the implication of Chloe's words but like a broken dam, everything just seems out of control.
When Chloe looks at her again, her chest feels like it is being crushed by an unbearable weight. "You're my soul mate, Beca… or is it just me who believes that we are?"
She steps away and Beca's chest starts to tighten. Her heart being squeezed painfully with every step she takes further away from her. So she desperately reaches out, embracing Chloe from behind.
"That's not true," she says in an unsteady tone, her own tears starting to fall. "I love you so much, Chloe. So much. You are my soul mate. Nobody else," she says in a pleading tone, arms tightening around her sunshine when she feels her trying to slip away, the comfortable warmth suddenly scorching her.
"I'm sorry," she softly says repeatedly with such desperation, planting tender kisses on Chloe's neck and shoulder.
But Chloe's hands continue to break her hold on her and with one strong tug, she frees herself.
"I just want to be alone for a while. I'm… exhausted," Chloe tiredly says before leaving her standing to stare at the empty space where she once stood.
And as the sunshine slowly fades out of her life, there she is left with nothing but darkness. It's cold and it almost feels like death. Death and its dark cloak which has always shrouded Beca's life, following her around like a shadow dragging along with it all the monsters in her life.
She wants to move. To run after that sunshine, her sunshine, yet her feet remain rooted on the spot as the door closes. Her mind buckles into a series of memories, her mother's death, of the blood seeping through the door, of the horrible sounds of death, of her brother walking out the door and leaving her, and the uncertainty of her brother coming back alive. It's that very uncertainty that paralyzes her.
Her breaths become ragged, her heart pumping and before she knows it, her back hits the wall. Her legs give way as she slides down the ground, head hanging low with her hands covering her ears in hopes of blocking out the sound. She shuts her eyes close because the more she looks at the door, the worse it gets, whatever 'worse' means at this point.
It's a tricky thing, letting the darkness pass. But the only thing to remember is that, it'll pass.
Beca doesn't know how long it has been only that she feels a presence sitting next to her. The first thought that comes to her head is Chloe but it's probably just what her heart hopes for because when she finally looks up, it's Stacie looking back at her.
"Hey,"
"Hey," Beca replies back and she almost doesn't recognize her own voice, distant and dry.
"She started asking questions," Stacie says after a long pause. "And I," another pause follows and this time there's guilt in her eyes before she speaks again.
"I can't lie to family,"
Her cousin looks down and sighs heavily. "You don't do that. That's what you said. That's what we always stuck to. So, I told Chloe," she confesses.
"She should know," Beca manages to say albeit weakly.
"Still, it should've come from you," Stacie continues and Beca shakes her head at that.
"It's okay. It's about time. It's my fault for letting it drag on this long. You just got caught in it. I'm sorry,"
"She's downstairs with the girls, eating ice-cream and binge watching some human drama about teenagers solving mysteries and murders in a 70's themed diner, just so you know," Stacie informs her and she nods.
Comfortable silence follows until her cousin breaks it once more.
"There's only so much a person can handle on their own and I think that it's okay to ask for help sometimes," she tells her in a serious tone that is rarely heard from the usually easy-going brunette.
"No one can survive alone. Just… don't forget to turn around. We're right here, no matter how useless our solutions to problems could be at times," Stacie says with a chuckle but the sincerity of her words run down deep at Beca's veins until it flows right back to her heart.
Her cousin pulls her in for a hug despite the sound of disgust sputtering out of her lips. She doesn't push away though despite the sudden blur starting to cloud her vision. Instead, her fingertips touch tentatively on Stacie's arm and that already says a lot.
"You love each other so much. There's nothing that could separate you both. This, this is nothing compared to everything you both went through. Just give her a bit more time. You know it's not easy, loving a Du Pont,"
When Stacie leaves, she digs through her pockets until she feels the familiar metal on her fingers. She takes it out carefully, the beautiful diamond encrusted ring meant to be worn by the woman her heart helplessly seeks. It was originally her mother's so she had it brought in the shop where it was bought in order to have it customized.
And it's almost as if she believes in it. She's trying, even if it scares her so much. That maybe it's actually okay to be vulnerable, afraid and weak sometimes. That not everything she touches turns to ashes in the end.
Maybe this time… it's forever.
Beca heads to the airport. But not before leaving a one-way ticket to France underneath Chloe's favorite coffee mug, the white mug that matches her black one, and hopes that Paris could help her mend what needs mending. It's not entirely vacation though but they've talked about heading there before the cold space between them existed. The plan was Beca leaves first since Chloe has a presentation for one of her classes and it's important.
It's been two days and unfortunately, work has been demanding her time and time zones are starting to take its toll, making her unable to contact home without waking everybody up. It's frustrating but thankfully, Emily has been sending her messages about Chloe. Where they've went today, how she's doing and how her smile doesn't really reach her eyes these past two days.
It's frustrating and it hurts.
She's been a mess herself as well and it's starting to show on her face. How could she even close her eyes when the warmth she had been used to is nowhere near her?
But all her worries eventually dissipate when she returns one evening back to her family home to find a familiar pair of suitcases in her room.
Hope leaps in her chest.
Chloe is finally in Paris and it seems she's been invited for a short Parisian tour with Emily's parents as a warm welcome before the Claiborne Gala event they'd be attending after midnight. Her insides twist at the thoughts running in her head and her nerves aren't making it any better.
Be brave, that's all she could think of. That's what her mother used to say.
But then again, it's not easy when she is treated to such a gorgeous sight and is left breathless from it.
There's always something that stuns her whenever Chloe Beale dresses up so elegantly for special evenings like this and Beca realizes just how much she misses her. She misses her touch, her kisses and her smile that, to be honest, she doesn't even believe that she had turned into this kind of disgusting romantic. But that's what you become when you succumb to the radiating love of one Chloe Beale and Beca doesn't really care.
When it comes to Chloe it's useless to fight it, she's already learned that.
Anxiety builds inside her chest but when she slowly, cautiously, reaches out her hand for Chloe to take, intertwining her fingers so gently over the redhead's, Chloe curls her hand around hers in the same slow, tentative manner. Bright blue finds dark blue and in that moment, just behind the door of the main event hall, Beca's troubled heart finally starts to find the light it lost.
And because communicating in heavily emotional moments like this isn't her strongest point, she settles with a hopeful, "Later?" because sometimes they still do talk in a language out of this world.
"Later," Chloe responds with a nod and the tiniest smile in her lips almost makes this night feel so much better.
The door opens and the usual grand introductions are made. As usual her eyes never leave Chloe's, just looking right into them soothes her soul. There's a promise in the gentle squeeze that she makes just before they enter the hall and succumb to the evening's formalities.
It's boring, as always and Beca would still prefer to be anywhere else but there. It's the same faces anyway, the same classical music drifting in the background, the same expensive artsy dishes on fancy chinaware and the same discussions over blood wine. Beca is expected to leave a speech, nothing too dramatic this time, just being sincere and direct would do really.
She's already halfway through her thoughts about military funding being unnecessary in this time of peace—and that the money could be spent on more important issues—when she hears it, the soft click and feels that familiar tingle in the back of her spine. After years of being trained by her brother, her senses to danger have upgraded three times stronger than average and it's the very reason why she's still breathing right now.
It only takes half a second for her body to react, swerving to the side, her eyes briefly catching sight of the tiny silver bullet with a sharp edge whizzing past her and missing her heart.
A body drops and it's one of her security staff.
There's a moment of silence where everybody just freezes before the panic erupts, screams are heard and everybody is just scampering to safety. Beca is thrown down the ground as her security shield her from the ongoing attack. It's an assassination attempt and yet Beca's mind only bears one thought.
"Chloe!" she yells out before her eyes catch auburn locks and scared baby blue eyes. Chloe was down on the floor as well, half of Beca's security protecting her.
She's up on her feet in the next second with her security pushing her towards the exit. All the while her eyes focus on only one thing.
"Becs!"
She stretches out her arm, hand reaching towards Chloe, who does the same, and for a brief moment their fingers connect and tangle around each other before being harshly separated. It felt like having a limb torn apart from you and Beca's fight instincts instantly kick in. Attacking her security, she tries to go against the direction she is being pulled away to rush to the most important person in her life.
Chloe.
For a second there she was almost successful, which is so astounding given that all five men had to hold her down, until her uncle Gabin grabs her shoulders from behind and hisses against her ear, "She'll be fine, Laureline will not let anything happen to her! Remember the protocol. You're the Queen and your safety is the number one priority here! We need to go, now!"
Despite her protests, she's being dragged once more to the back exit of the building where Gabin literally shoves her in a bulletproof vehicle and drives off just as planned whenever unexpected threats like this break out.
Beca is aware of the security procedures and protocols for these kinds of attack. There had been a slightly similar incident as this back when she was merely six years old. It wasn't as bad but they had to evacuate the premises and for a child it had been so frightening to be in a separated car from her parents. Even her father and mother were in separate vehicles, all three of them going in three different directions and the sad truth is, it's exactly how it's supposed to be.
In an event of a threat against the crown, it is immediate that the family be separated. The reason for this is because in case an attack is to occur, at least one of them would be saved in order for the royal bloodline to be secured. It's a morbid reason but experience had taught them a lesson when King Hector Vanderbilt and his immediate family were wiped out with a single explosion almost 72 years ago.
Fortunately, back then for the six year old Beca, she found solace in her brother's arms as he carried her into the car along with the rest of security and sped through the night towards the safe house. It had been Stefan's first assignment under the royal emblem to protect the Du Pont heir. Had he not left, it would be his job until the day he dies. He would've been the one driving her to safety right now.
"Contact Laureline," Beca orders as she clenches and unclenches her fists in hopes of calming herself down. She feels like exploding any moment now.
"We can't do that, Beca. You know that," Gabin tells her and she glares at him dangerously through the rear view mirror.
"I'm ordering you. There's not supposed to be a discussion here," she retorts coldly, voice shaking at the amount of control she is trying to do.
"It's part of protocol and doing so will only compromise your safety. They could tap into the signals," Gabin says, unafraid of the wrath Beca is already releasing at him.
Guess it wasn't entirely coincidence that they'd assign her uncle to do the job of keeping her safe. Only a Du Pont wouldn't buckle easily against her rule-breaking demands.
"I don't care about my safety. Call my cousin, now. I need status updates," she stresses word by word, gritting her teeth as Gabin, again, refuses.
"Gabin!"
"If Chloe is to sit next to your throne and be crowned Queen then this is how it's going to be like every time this happens, Rebecca!" Gabin angrily yells back, pausing for a minute before speaking again in a much calmer manner.
"This is what she's signed up for when she chose to be with you. This is what both of you signed up for when you decided to stay together,"
That's enough to silence her until they reach the safe house, another property of the Du Ponts located in a provincial area in France.
Her uncle's words stick to her head even as they escort her into her room and leave her as she had requested.
Waiting had always been the hardest part. Waiting makes you drown in all sorts of thoughts, a jumbled mixture of the hopeful ones and the worst ones.
In the darkness of the room, she looks up at the closed door, a familiar sight all throughout her childhood. Here is where it's safe, where, somehow, only a piece of wood separates her from the nightmares that keep following her. All her life, she's learned that in order to survive there are things that she needed to keep deep within. That in order to keep her heart intact she needed to hide behind walls and let the chaos outside play itself out. The only thing she needed to survive was to not care.
But at this moment, that strong belief is in the brink of shattering. Her fingers brushing against metal before wrapping around the handle and it only takes one twist for it to open.
Because this time, it's worth the risk.
With a shaky breath and trembling hands, she unlocks and opens it against every fibre of her body telling her no.
Because Chloe Beale is worth the risk.
Light floods through as she takes a step forward and within seconds a warm body collides on to her, arms tightly wrapping around her. It's like air filling up her lungs for the first time. She grasps on to it, desperately and hungrily.
Snapping out of her daze, her arms fly around the body against her, clinging and squeezing hard for dear life. Something breaks inside her, but this time it isn't her heart. Instead, tears flow down her cheeks as she buries her nose into auburn locks.
"Sunshine," she brokenly sobs.
"Midnight,"
Chloe's hand softly comes up to her cheek, fingers tenderly brushing on to skin to wipe the tears as she leans her forehead against Beca's.
"I'm fine. I'm fine, really. No scratches, see?" she quickly assures her with a small smile.
It would've made Beca smile too if her mind wasn't running a million miles per hour. She knew what she had to do, what she had to say and nobody can stop her from saying them. Not when she finally sees it, what her heart has created.
"I was wrong," she whispers, each word bleeding straight from her chest.
Chloe shakes her head, apparently misunderstanding the meaning behind it.
"It's protocol. You had to—"
"No, Chloe. It's not that. Please, let me," she cuts in, cradling Chloe's face with her hands.
When she looks into those galaxies hidden beneath those bright blue eyes, the words in the tip of her tongue flow out effortlessly
"I've lived my life all this time with this acceptance that everything I love is bound to die. So I welcomed the darkness, I embraced all that is bad and wrong. I welcomed it with open arms and let it consume me that when the time came that something good happens in my life, I'm left not knowing what to do with it," she closes her eyes and inhales shakily before opening them again.
"And because the only thing I know is to destroy everything I touch, I only end up hurting the people who try to love me. The thought is that, I'll end up losing them anyway so, before it gets to that point, I tear it apart to save myself but then," she caresses Chloe's face as if it was something so precious.
It is.
"You happened," she swallows hard knowing that there's no going back after this.
"And it scared me because no matter how much I rub myself clean, the stains you left all over me just won't come off. After you kissed me on top of that damn platform years ago, I knew it. I already knew deep down, I'm completely ruined in the best way possible," she shakes her head, a chuckle escaping her lips at the memory and it's infectious enough to create a smile on Chloe's own lips.
"Yeah, I… really don't know how else to get your attention. But then you fell, hard, and literally, so, guess it worked," Chloe's smile widens while Beca's heart grows at the sight of it.
Her own smile fades as she prepares herself, "I've been worse than evil. I've done things I regret. I am so, so hard to love, Chloe. I made mistakes in my life, so many mistakes and believe me, I'm going to make more in the future but you have to know, you have to know, that losing you is a mistake I would never even think of making. You being apart from me, that's a world I don't want to live in,"
She slides her hands down to Chloe's arm until she holds her hand, tightly.
"And that's why I kept it from you, because I was afraid that I would lose you and also because I wasn't ready to show you that… side of me. I mean, how…," she trails off as her eyes start to sting, the tears threatening to fall once more that she almost chokes on her words.
"How can I when you look at me like that? Like I'm everything that is good when really, I'm far from that,"
And this time it's Chloe who cuts her short, "And it's true, you are the best thing that's ever happened to me. You don't see it but I do. I see you,"
A tear rolls down her cheeks as she nods, the decision solid in her mind.
"I want you to know everything. Stefan, my mother, all of it,"
"You know, we can always do it little by little at a time," Chloe gently says but Beca shakes her head to dismiss the thought.
"No, I want to tell you everything. Right here, right now. I'm ready,"
And she does as she leads Chloe back in to the room and sits down to confess every single detail from the beginning to the end. The darkest of secrets she never thought she'd open up with someone, all the scars that she had acquired. Of the nightmares that wake her up at night. She confesses it all through the tears and the pain. It felt like opening up her chest to unload such heavy burden, a burden Chloe lightens as she embraces her tightly, tears streaming down her own face.
But it's when she says those very words that it hits Beca the most. The very words that make her tear away her gaze from the closed door, from the shadows lurking in the distance and from all the fears she has carried ever since she was young.
Her eyes falling down into mesmerizing baby blues.
"I'm not going anywhere, Becs. I'm here, I'll stay,"
They are words that when heard sound so simple, familiar, used but mean so much. They are also words that have never been directed at her before.
Hearing it, something clicks in place and everything suddenly becomes clear. There's no reason to stall.
This is the moment.
She abruptly stands up, looking down at Chloe. Lifting up her hand, her fingertips gently brush through soft skin, tracing her face so preciously. She does it so lovingly that Chloe leans in to her touch before planting a soft kiss on the palm of her hand.
"There's something in the mansion that I left behind and because of that I guess I'll have to do it the traditional way," she says before slowly taking off her crown and holding it carefully in her hands.
Confusion slowly paints Chloe's face but she continues.
"Crowned royalty never kneels down except for two occasions. The coronation day and… the night where she will promise eternity to her beloved,"
With that, she slowly drops down on one knee, eyes never wavering from the eyes she adores the most.
The small gasp Chloe makes doesn't escape her ears and so does the loud beating of her own heart.
"I know, it's too soon but when I think about it, years ago under the weeping willow tree, our tree, near the lake at the back of my house, my heart had unconsciously decided to be with you. This bond we have is the result of that," she says softly.
There's fear and uncertainty inside her chest but her mother's words continuously resonate inside her head. Be brave, Beca.
"It's stupid to have your soul mate stand right in front of you for so long and not seal the deal when people are out there losing theirs. And yes, you are my soul mate, Chloe," she takes a deep breath, the emotions starting to pile up inside her and wanting to burst.
"If there's one thing I learned about death in the many times that I brushed shoulders with it, is that you do not waste your life hesitating out of fear and over-thinking things. Every moment is precious and with you… I don't want to waste a single second by not letting you know how much I love you,"
She slowly lifts up the crown she is holding, offering it towards her. It's just a small circular piece of gold with encrusted diamonds and precious stones around it but the weight it carries is heavy. It bears the responsibilities she has as a Queen, the symbol of power, her promise to protect and serve yet tonight, it bears something else as well, Beca's heart.
And she's offering all of it to Chloe.
"This is all of it," she breathes out, hoping to calm her heart.
"You've seen everything. You now know everything. So, this is me, raw, unfiltered, unmasked and filled with lots and lots of scars that are all still in the process of healing. It'll take time. There's still a lot of demons in my head that I have to chase away," she swallows hard, the words suddenly so difficult to say.
"Chloe there's still a lot I need to improve and—"
"Becs," Chloe cuts her before slowly lifting her chin up to look her in the eye. Beca is almost certain that Chloe can see the nervousness and anxiousness in her own but it's only because she desperately wants it to work.
But all that uncertainty slowly ebbs away at the smile carefully forming in her beloved redhead's face. When Chloe places a hand gently over her cheek and brushes a lone tear escaping the corner of her eye, those fears fade into nothing.
"Please just ask the question," Chloe finally says and at this point Beca realizes that their lives are just about to change for good.
"Will you be mine always and forever?"
The answer comes quickly as Chloe nods enthusiastically and throwing her arms around her for a tight hug. The smile in her face is precious and Beca is sure she is sporting the same cheesy grin herself.
The much anticipated reply being whispered so solemnly on her ear creating fireworks in her chest,
"Stars van cosmos,"
Always and forever.
In a moment Chloe pulls her back on her feet and Beca wastes no time in pulling her in for a kiss. She kisses Chloe again and again, each one with a beautiful promise and much love that her heart just couldn't contain deep down anymore.
Resting her forehead against Chloe's, Beca finally remembers one more thing. She lifts up her crown and carefully places it on top of red locks. When she pulls away a bit to look at it, she quietly looks in awe at the sight.
"It suits you. You're going to be the loveliest Queen Corvinn has ever seen," she gushes sincerely before wiping the tears falling down along Chloe's cheeks.
"My Queen," she whispers softly, the words swallowed in by Chloe's lips as she leans in to kiss her.
Beca's never felt this happy in her life. The truth is, she could only count in one hand the moments when she felt something almost as close to this. And she may still think that the world is horrible with unspeakable evil lurking everywhere but here at this moment as she runs her hands through smooth skin, pressing her body against Chloe's underneath twisted sheets, limbs tangled and lips locked as if air didn't exist, there at that moment when their hearts beat at exactly the same rhythm, Beca finally believes in it, that she could be happy for the rest of her life like this and no evil can kill the love she will be fiercely protecting from now on.
And maybe she still wakes up in the middle of the day with a swirl of nightmares surrounding her head, of whispers from the dead, of rattling door knobs and blood leaking from the cracks but this time, instead of falling into icy waters it's a warm embrace that catches her and loving baby blue eyes that keep her sane.
For the first time in such a long time, as she closes her eyes once more to the sound of Chloe's gentle humming, Beca Mitchell finally feels safe.
Author's Note:
Hello. From. The. Other. Side. Beep.
Okay, maybe I do owe you guys an explanation for my... absence. Well, it has been a very busy couple of months for me with work and life. But that's just part of the reason. The reason isn't something technology related or work related. It's because... do you know what it's like to write a happy love story when you're not... that happy... or in love- or when you meet this wonderful person in the same month long training program your with and you have this instant connection and suddenly you somehow kinda... catch the dreaded... feelings... but then you're not even sure if they feel the same way and only see you as a friend... and she's probably not even into... girls. Oh crap.
Ahh, now I know what it feels like when they tell you: "Don't fall in love with a straight girl" because you'll end up shattered, I tell you. Shattered in the worst possible way, yep. Don't do it... even though I know I'm going to dive into it again anyway like a masochist.
And no, you don't just tell someone to just go and confess some certain feelings to certain people whom you value your friendship with-and are straight-like in the movies or those fanfics. Just No. No matter what the outcome, it's never going to be the same way again, kids.
Meh. Side note, It's all probably bad advice. Don't listen to me.
But here I am! I made it! I'm alive! And now somehow understand why Taylor Swift writes songs when she breaks her heart because when I had all the sad feels I wrote a fucking fanfic (which I'm not going to release until Midnight Sunshine is done) and wow, would you believe it, it's sort of therapeutic.
Anyways, enough of my woes. Let's talk about... Beca and Stefan. Ah yes, I saw the readers reactions to the Du Pont siblings and their very strong relationship. And yeah I'm not going to deny it. It's a fucked up relationship. I created Beca with the thought of someone who is emotionally damaged and reckless. None of my characters are perfect. I'm never going to write about perfect characters. That's BORING and unrealistic.
Sorry to those who came in expecting something lighthearted and sweet but no, they are all flawed and the story isn't as beautiful and innocent as you want it to be.
So yeah, Beca isn't a saint or normal or righteous and neither are any of my other characters. If you expect someone to go through that kind of life and be all cheerful, sweet and happy with no fucked up issues whatsoever then you must be living in a fictional paradise because that's not how it works in real life.
But I feel like sharing my side, why I wrote Stefan and Beca's story line like that, just a little insight maybe. I want to point out that yeah it's a toxic relationship and I don't condone that but if you look at it closely, especially on that little part where Stefan sneaks in eight year old Beca's room to see her, there's a reason why Beca's love and loyalty for him is unmeasurable.
Beca, 8 year old Beca, as Stefan pointed out, has lost weight ("They don't cook like mommy does. It tastes different"). It was Stefan who noticed not Beca's father, Darius, who is supposedly the one who should be taking care of his daughter now that his wife is gone. Beca has nightmares and yes, it's Stefan who stays with her all day until she does go to sleep, not her father (There's a reason Beca wants him to stay with her because yes, the nightmares haunt her but he is "gone every time she wakes up"). Darius' solution to Beca's 'bad behaviour' at the Vanderbilts was to send her to Russia (Just as he did with Stefan). Darius didn't even know that his own daughter was getting bullied and harassed. And yes, it was Stefan who knew (He taught her everything remember? He most definitely taught her how to defend herself).
Was it Stockholm Syndrome? Well, I don't know much about that but they knew each other already with Beca seeing him as a significant part of her life ever since she gained consciousness. He is family. And yeah, maybe somehow it is because she's a minor but then when I was writing this I thought that if I was Stefan, seeing how my 8 year old baby sister isn't being taken care of the way she should've been (with the eating problem and the nightmares), would I leave her in the care of an absent (suicidal-"He stabbed himself in the heart before I could stop him") father who has given up on life?
There's just no way I'm doing that.
He made a difficult decision then and there because it's like choosing the lesser evil.
Stefan may not have the best life or safest line of work, yeah, he's a drug dealer, arms dealer and illegal car racer who will not think twice in murdering people who try to hurt and take his baby sister away from him, but he was there. He was present. He gave her the affection Darius wouldn't give and that's why Beca knew love. She got it from her mother, Stefan and finally, Chloe.
Stefan killed Robbyn. Now, that's where things get complicated. And yeah it's twisted to think that Beca seemed to have forgiven him easily for it. But that's the sad thing about it, he was all she had, at least that's what she thought. They only ever had each other. That despite the unforgivable act he did, she still loved him enough to forgive him because to Beca, Stefan was the stars that would always lead her back home.
It's pure tragedy. There was no happy ending for them. Did they love each other more than siblings? Was it incest? Is Stefan actually Beca's first love? It's... hard to tell because their relationship is so strong and the lines sometimes get a bit blurry. I really intended it to be like that... but maybe at some point, they did.
Beca was willing to stab Stefan for Chloe but not enough to kill him.
However...
Beca was willing to die for Stefan but not enough to make her completely leave Chloe for good.
I know, it's super complicated and I guess that's partly why Stefan chose death, to let Beca go and finally be happy. He was willing to leave her with Chloe because he knows that Chloe will take care of her better than he ever did.
He loved Beca enough to let her go because he knows that he is the one holding her back from being truly happy.
I just wished that he didn't choose to end his life and let Beca help him but he was far too gone to see any of that and it's sad. Tragic indeed.
And I'm going to leave it at that.
Thanks for reading! Next update in... probably two weeks?
