It was loud. The clock was really loud. It was loud enough for me to hear the second's hand tick by, every single second, or maybe it was just me being nervous. I know that if I keep looking at the clock time will just move slower. The receptionist keeps looking at me. I can see her head turn slightly toward me every so often and I can tell that she thinks he wont come. The problem with that is that there is a very real possibility he wont come. It makes me nervous and mostly it makes me feel desperate, which is true. I am desperate but it's ok. Everything will be fine. Well, thats what I always say. And look how well that turned out. I open my phone and look through the pictures of the kids. They are all so happy in the pictures, so oblivious to what mom and dad are going through.
As the door opens and Elliot walks through it I feel y body slowly relax. He came. I really didn't think he would.
"Hey, I'm sorry. Something came up and I was running late. Has it started?" Elliot says looking at his watch. I remember when I gave it to him for father's day a few years ago. I don't think he has worn it in since everything started. Or since everything ended, it depends how you look at it.
"Not yet, we had to wait a few minutes so we might be out a few minutes later. Is that ok?" I ask him hopeful that it wont interfere with his schedule. But mostly I'm hopeful that he will just want to stay and do this with me.
"Its fine. I was just gonna go home after this. I can get the kids today if you want." I nod my head. They'll be so happy for that. They hardly spend anytime with him. "Or we can just go have dinner together."
"Yeah They'd like that. You can choose where." He takes a seat beside me and takes his phone out. I'm fighting the strong temptation to look at what he's doing but he can tell instead he just turns it off and puts it in my purse. He always does that so he wont be tempted to keep checking it or answer any calls.
"Yeah we could go to the movies after." He suggests.
"They can't all sit through the movie and it will just end up bothering Izzy. You know how she gets when they both her. I rather just avoid any arguing if possible." I tell him. He looks forward nodding slowly. I turn toward him and notice he's wearing jeans and the white t-shirt he knows I love. He looks so casual while I look like I'm going to work. I just wanted to look nice and didn't even think the blush blouse would be too much but now that I think about it, its too much. I haven't tried to look nice in so long I never realized that nothing fits the way it used to. Too much sweats and stained t-shirts have filled up my closet.
"Never mind, then." He signs.
"Maybe we could just watch a movie at home so it wont have to be so quiet."
"Yeah ok."
"You look nice. You look beautiful baby." He places his arm around my shoulders and I lean into him slightly. He kisses my forehead and I can feel my eyes watering. "I don't tell you that often enough do I?" I shake my head and agree that he doesn't. "I'm sorry baby. I really am. I'll work on it." Before I can blink the tears start flowing and rather than stay and make a scene I start making my way to the restroom. I sit on the couch inside the restroom and just try to pull myself together. Theres a knock on the door and Elliot says its time to go in. I wipe my face and follow him to Dr Jones' office. Greg Jones is one of the best marriage counselors in Seattle and after everything that has happened it's our last hope.
His office is simple with neutral colors. There are three couches and his desk which is barely decorated beside a picture frame and a thin maroon folder which he picks up as he walks towards us. He's a tall african american man. He shakes both our hands before pointing to the couches. I take a seat on the shorter one secretly hoping that Elliot will decide to sit on the couch with me. I just want to feel him close to me. The doctor sits on the couch across from me which is really more of a wide chair. Elliot sits on the longest couch much to my disappointment.
Dr. Jones clears his throat, opens his small notebook and says, "Well, where would you like to start?"
—-
Just three more hours, that's all I have to keep telling myself. The more I say it the less time it will be. Elliot will be here in three more hours and when he gets home, well it's just the best part of my day. I love my kids I do but sometimes I just want to stick them all in the living room hide under a blanket and let them fend for themselves. Having three kids all under four years old was a horrible idea. What the hell were we thinking having Reid and Jade so close together. They were born one year and one day apart and that was only because we went crazy trying to get pregnant with Jade. But we did feel very accomplished when we found out we were pregnant with her.
"No, Evan stop doing that!" Shit my yelling woke her up. I hear Jade shifting in her crib and I know she's two minutes away from crying. And since she's about to wake up that means I have two minutes to finish changing Evan who refuses to put his shirt on, clean the lotion he just dropped on the bathroom floor, clean the bathroom tub where he just was, and change my bed sheets before she begins crying which I know will wake up Reid. I take a deep breath, put Evan on the floor of my bedroom then go pick up Jade before walking back to the room and remove the sheets with one hand. I've become quite the expert on doing things with one hand. I place Jade on her car seat which she likes and have Evan rock her. So they will be entertained for the next ten minutes I work on the things at hand. I clean the room and get as much done as I can with my two boys following me around and care for Jade every so often as she sits in her little chair. Before I know, it's time to get Izzy from school and when she comes home she helps. Sometimes she helps too much and I feel guilty but she says she wants to be my little helper. I manage to get three out of the four kids for a nap while I make dinner which I finish just in time for Elliot to get home.
"Hey baby." Elliot places his hands on my hips and kisses the side of my neck. I turn around and wrap my arms around his neck and relax for a good ten-seconds before the kids see that he's home.
"Daddy!" Yells Evan running awkwardly toward Elliot. Reid is crawling as quickly as he can toward his dad while Izzy just watches and waits for her turn to say hi.
"What do you have left to do?" Elliot asks picking up the boys and looking at the baby monitor.
"Just set the table I guess. Whenever you're ready for dinner." I tell him.
"Alright, baby I'll keep them busy." He says starting to walk away. "Hey, it's alright baby. Evan take my shoes upstairs." Evan does as he says and puts Reid on the carpet so he can go after the dog.
"Sorry." I say wiping my tears which does no use because the tears don't stop.
"It's ok. They're so many of them I understand you're frustrated. You know I can help when I get home baby." He looks so worried. I told myself I wouldn't cry about this anymore. He already does so much. I just want him to come home and relax.
"I know and you do. I'm just tired. And I promised myself this morning that I would at least take my shower before you got here so I would look so fucking gross. They're just… boys and Jade is still not sleeping too long so its hard. But I finished the laundry today so if everyone could just not have any dirty clothes for the next week that would be really great." He smirks at me before pulling me to his chest which I love.
"Now daddy?" I pull back but he doesn't let go. He presses his lips against mine a few times before parting my lips and I feel his tongue touch mine. Before I know it I fall into the same trance that i have always been in where he's concerned and kiss him with just as much intensity as he kisses me. He begins pushing my body back until I feel my back hit the counter. His hands slides from my back to my ass where he squeezes then move back up. His hand moves under my shirt to roam freely around the skin of my ribs. His hands are cold but it gives me chills as they move even higher just under my very sore breast.
"No daddy no kiss mommy. Daddy play time." I feel a little body try and squeeze between us. Even though he isn't strong enough to really push between us Elliot steps back giving me one last kiss before picking up our anxious little man. "Go outside?"
"Elliot he already had his bath!" I refuse to go through the process of bathing all the kids again.
"I can set the table mommy so you can sleep. I'll tell daddy when the baby wakes up." Izzy says coming into the kitchen.
"No sweetie I'm awake. Why don't you go watch some tv?"
"I can watch later you look sleepy." I giggle briefly before giving my little girl a hug. She sees me more than anyone and I hate that she worries so much.
"Maybe we both set the table and we both watch tv later." She nods hugging me a little longer. She tells me about her day and her school. Tomorrow is the worst day of the week. Friday Is the day Izzy gets out of school early, followed by picking up Teddy so he play with Evan, then having all the kids and taking them to drop off Izzy for practice then picking her back up and this and that and just way too much driving with so many impatient children.
I was right, I hate Fridays because after many hours of driving around with crying children all day my night ended with picking a fight with Elliot just like every other freaking Friday night.
"I already said I'm sorry Lina what the hell do you need me to do?" He says dropping his wallet on the night stand. I take a seat on the other side of the bed not looking at him. "Fuck can you just talk to me already? I'm fucking sick of this damn silent treatment. It's the same damn thing every time."
"I'm just tired El." I tell him slowly removing my earrings.
"I know and I get that but instead of letting me help or telling me when to help you just complain about how hard it is. Its not that I don't want to help you just won't let me." I feel the mattress move and know he is laying down.
"Evan's been hitting Reid… He said Teddy hits him sometimes so can you just make sure that they don't play like that because sometimes he's just to rough on Reid and I dont want it to get worse."
"Sure."
"I'm gonna shower."
"Okay." I get off the bed and see that he's laying on the covers with his hands behind his head.
"Please don't sleep on the duvet you know it bothers me."
"Anything else?" He says rolling his eyes.
"Can you check on Jade before you fall asleep?"
"Lina thats the whole point of the monitor and camera in the nursery. You can see all of the kids from the tv. That's what they're for, so we wont have to get up every three minutes." He stands up taking off his shirt and pants. "Besides you check on them even After I go so whats the point of me going?"
"They like when you check on them Elliot." He closes his eyes.
"I wake them up every time I check on them which is why I don't like doing it." He explains turning to face the nigh stand.
"I know that." He sits up.
"Then why do you ask me to do it? Then you get mad they're awake."
"Because… sometimes they just want to spend time with you alone. They like that one-no-one time. It makes them feel special, especially Izzy. She's gets stressed when I get stressed and that's her alone time with you. You always tell her she has to help with taking care of her siblings and she does you just don't see her do it that often." He sighs. "El just cut her some slack every once in a while. She's trying her best and she's still only 10." He stands up then walks past me into the bathroom. A few minutes later he walks out wearing his pajamas then leaves our room. I see him walk into each of the kids rooms and tuck them all in. All except Izzy. Elliot sits on her bed and places his hand on her shoulder. She sits up and wipes her eyes but instead of watching like I want to do I clean up the room about as much as I can then get in bed and wait for him to come.
"I come in?" I hear a small hand hitting the door and even though I know I should go open it, I'm too tired to get up. "Mommy, mommy, mommy, mom! Need help! Please." I giggle quietly at his attempt to be polite. I find my robe then open my door to Evan who walks by then uses the small stool to get on my bed and under the covers next to Elliot. "Daddy wake up time." Evan uses his little hands to move Elliot, which is more comical than anything because elliot isn't budging. "Daddy, no work today?" He asks looking at me. I shake my head. "Why he not up?"
"Because not every one likes to be awake at 7 in the morning," which is actually late in Evan's standards.
"Why?"
"Because it's early and people are sleepy." I get back in bed and Evan snuggles up to my side.
"You're not sleepy?" I give him a very serious face and he giggles.
"I was sleepy but you woke me up." His blue eyes become wider as when I told him I was taking his toys for misbehaving.
"I sorry mommy." He looks down at his hands sadly.
"It's ok I still love you." He smiles at me. "I love you lots and lots and lots." I say ticking him but stop when he squeals so we won't wake Elliot.
"Only some people like wake up huh?" I nod my head. "Like me and you." Yeah I love waking up. "And Reid." I look at Reid's monitor and see he's awake and playing in his crib with his blanket and little bears Evan insisted he needs at bed time to not be alone.
"Evan… Did you wake Reid up?" He shrugs his shoulders but that not so innocent smile says it all. "Why did you wake him up baby?"
"He wanted play with me." I raise an eyebrow at him and he giggles again.
"How do you know he wanted you to play?"
"Asked him." He says looking back at Elliot who moves turning toward us. "But Izzy no like to wake up. And she was grumpy. She said, 'get out' and closed door."
"Izzy told you to get out of her room?" His hair needs to be washed I notice as I run my hand over it.
"Yes, and Jay no want to play too."
"Jade is little; she doesn't know how to play yet."
"Oh ok. I sorry." He plays with his toes as a way to not have to look at me. "I wake daddy?" But before I was able to answer him he jumps on Elliot's sleeping body waking him instantly. "Hi," he says smiling at Elliot who is clearly not as happy about his overly cheerful wake up.
"Buddy go take a nap ok?" Elliot says closing his eyes.
"I nap here." He says just before getting under the blankets and snuggling with Elliot. Evan really did try to nap. His eyes were shut tightly and he laid still for as long as he could manage before starting to count.
"Buddy can you go talk somewhere else? I really don't want to talk right now, maybe later." Evan sits up, sighs then nods his head. I watch him crawl out of our bed and slowly make his way back to the door. His little hand grabs the door and he turns toward us. His clear blue eyes, just like Elliot's become red and watery as he looks at me then Elliot's sleeping body.
"I sorry daddy, I go nap now." He closes the door and I look at Elliot who is well aware that he hurt his feelings. Elliot's legs move to the side of the bed getting ready to get up. To be honest though, he is moving too slow for me. I walk into Evan's room but he isn't there. I continue looking through all the kids rooms, in their closets, under the beds, and the bathrooms. Elliot is in the hall dressed as I walk around looking for Evan.
"What are you looking for?" He asks me.
"Evan," I say refusing to look at him. He knows that Evan can be sensitive when people don't approve of what he does. He probably has the best knowledge about Evan hiding when he's upset. It's something that I have gotten used to doing but this time it's not his fault. Evan was trying to be friendly and all it did was backfire, getting him kicked out.
"Relax he's probably in his room." Elliot stands leaning on the wall as I walk from room to room now downstairs.
"I checked, he wasn't there." He says something about me being wrong but I rather just keep looking. Maybe he is there and I just missed him. At least that's what I keep hoping since I still don't see him.
"Fuck." I hear Elliot say ask he walks down the stairs. He can't find him. After a while Izzy wakes up and helps us look too. She goes upstairs and helps get Reid down the stairs while we keep looking. "Shit." Elliot says running his hand through his hair.
"Don't say that; you can't start panicking because that's when I know it's bad so you can't… Just don't freak out, we're gonna find him."
"What if we don't?" Izzy asks ask she plays with Reid. I don't even want to think about that. "Mr. Grey is coming so they can help too right?" I nod my head and take very brief comfort in knowing they'll be here in a few minutes.
"Lina I'll keep looking if you want to start on breakfast." He says heading upstairs. I know we're gonna find him but he's never hidden this long. Not when I'm here anyway.
"Mom why does Evan hide?" Izzy asks me as I move in the kitchen making breakfast. I decided on french toast today. It's Evan's favorite, so maybe he'll come out sooner.
"Because a while back him and Teddy were playing and somehow they went into your uncle Christian's… storage room. And basically Christian got really mad and put them both in time out, Evan started screaming. So then Ana came to see what was happening and Evan was just yelling and throwing things. Evan hit something and it fell on Ana's foot and she got hurt. When Evan saw she was bleeding he hid in their house for a few hours but everyone was so worried about the bleeding that they didn't realize he was hiding." Maybe I should have given her a shorter version. But that is what happened. If I don't elaborate she'll keep asking. I finish getting the french toast ready. I start to get everything ready to set the table. I make Reid and Jade's food and set that on the counter for when they're hungry.
"So he's scared?"
"Yeah and he thinks if he doesn't hide then someone else will get hurt." My sad little one, I hope he comes out soon. "But he didn't do it on purpose that's just his coping skill. He hides to stay safe."
"What does dad do?" She asks me.
"When he hides? Just look for him really. We have to keep telling him he doesn't have to be afraid of-"
"I mean what's dad's coping skill?" Ok this conversation has turned way too deep for a ten year old. I look at her and wait for more. There is always more where she's concerned. "I think you're his skill." I continue to look at her and wait. "I don't see him scared a lot but when he's mad or sad he looks for you and just hugs you and stuff." Wow, I never even thought of that. Can a person be a coping skill? Maybe… I guess so.
"Maybe, can you stop being so smart? It just makes me feel old and I really want you to stop growing ok?" I kiss he head then go upstairs and pick up Jade. I change her then check on how Elliot is doing. He still hasn't found him. "El, should I be worried? It's been a little while and I don't know, maybe… what do we do?" He shrugs.
We were expecting Elliot's sibling and their kids over this morning for breakfast but when Carrick and Grace walked in I was embarrassed. Not only was I not dressed but the table wasn't set and the kids weren't changed.
"I'm going to Evan's room." Teddy announced as soon as he walked in the room and didn't see him. Elliot walks down the stairs as Teddy high-fives him on his way up. He shrugs at me and suddenly everyone is looking at him then at me. Shit.
This moment, this is one of those moments when quite honestly I feel like I have failed as a parent. I can't even find my kid in my own home. I don't even know how to say it. I have Isabelle set the table while Mia helps noticing that something is wrong with me.
"Uncle Lelliot I don't find him." Teddy says coming down the stairs. Elliot runs a hand through his hair without thinking I do it too.
"He's hiding isn't he?" Ana says sadly.
"We've been looking everywhere but he hasn't come out." I say looking at Reid and Phoebe who are in the enclosed carpet crawling around.
"How long has he been hiding?" Carrick asks looking between me and Elliot.
I look at the clock. Shit… I mean fuck. "an hour and a half" I tell them completely embarrassed. They all start talking at once asking us questions and saying how we should have done this and done that and all this other bullshit that really isn't necessary we clearly know we are horrible parents. Elliot starts telling them what happened but it's frustrating because he doesn't just accept the blame. "He just got mad but Lina you know I can't on Saturdays. I come home from work every day and take them from you so I don't think that having you get them for a few hours Saturday morning should be such a big ordeal."
"Don't put this on me. I'm not the one who told him to leave. He was just trying to be with us and you tell him to leave."
"So it's my fault? Are you fucking joking?" He says loudly making Izzy turn. Mia distracts her so she doesn't see as Elliot and I continue.
"I take care of them all day. It's not like I just sit on my ass all day. There's more to taking care of them than just feeding them and putting them to bed. Not that you would know"
"Yeah I'm sure getting to be home all day is fucking miserable. Why don't you just-"
"Shut up Elliot before you say something stupid." Christian says shaking his head.
"No go ahead Elliot. It's obviously important enough to say in front of everyone so just say what you need, get it off your chest." I tell him. I can feel the heat from this conversation and can't even focus.
"Stop. Both of you it doesn't matter who's fault it is lets just find him." Grace says shaking her head. Everyone stops looking at us and we all start looking around. Christian lets the guys know and they all help look for him. "Dear we'll find him." Grace says to me a while later. Everyone knows his hiding habit by now they also know they detailed version of why Evan got so scared but it's not something we talk about anymore, too much happened and we all don't want to relive it.
Somewhere along the morning, it got serious. It wasn't just Evan throwing a tantrum or Evan needing attention. At some point it became about his safety and not just Evan being Evan. I don't know when though, all I could do was keep looking. And no matter how hard I look or tried I just couldn't find him. Christian looks at me like I was crazy. Luke and Ana helped keep the other kids busy but Izzy was hard to distract. She was worried too. She would ask for news and everyone ignored her. I just kept saying not yet. Every time I said it she got more upset.
"Lina, are you feeling ok?" Reynolds asks me while I sit on the stairs thinking.
"I just want to know he's ok." I say looking down at my shoes. It wasn't until everyone got here that we started looking outside. My shoes are dry though. They assured me that I was to stay inside and they would find him. Mostly everyone is outside because we have checked inside enough to be sure he wasn't here. I walk to the kids and pick up Reid and he rests his body on my chest. He has his stuffed lion and drops it as soon as he's comfortable in my arms. I start rocking him just long enough for him to fall asleep. Izzy comes over and hugs me. I walk with both of them and sit on the couch. I can see Luke feeding Jade on the couch across from me. He looks at his phone then up at me. "What is it?" I ask him worried. He gets up and asks me to follow him. I have Izzy come with us to the den upstairs. Ana follows us with Teddy and Pheobe in hand. Mia is already there with her sleeping kids. I take Reid to his room then walk back out. Luke stands by the doorway but something about his body language is off. He isn't his relaxed self. "I'll be right back." Izzy nods her head. Luke shakes his head at me and I know they have news. He grabs my arm but he doesn't try and stop me as much as he could.
Taylor opens the glass door leading to the back patio deck and Elliot walks in. He is completely soaked. He's been outside for at least an hour and I hadn't noticed it was cold today until the breeze came in. But what gets me is Evan. Elliot has him cradled, one hand holding his head and the other under his bottom. Grace walks past me and kneels on the floor where they place Evan's little body.
"What are you doing?" Elliot asks as Grace takes off Evan's shirt. He has hypothermia. She said it would help, they call 911. Elliot helps her do whatever she's doing. Evan is lightly moving his body but mostly he just lays there. I don't know how I got to the floor beside him but I touch his cold skin. I can't even think how long he was out there. It isn't until I hear a small whimper that I step out of my trance. Izzy walks in and starts crying when she sees him. It takes a few minutes for Christian to carry her stiff body out. I watch as she tries to hit him to let her go but Carrick steps in he has her now. I need to worry about Evan right now but she's crying. She's screaming. I look up at Elliot who looks back to where Isabelle is yelling. He shakes his head in an attempt to clear it but looks back to Evan. Two paramedics come in and Taylor pulls me back so they can work on him. His temperature is slightly below what it should be and his heart rate is slow. They begin to wrap him in a blanket and carry him out the house.
Elliot and I are right behind them as they carry our child into the ambulance. Elliot looks back at me, "You need to stay. I'll call and update you as soon as I hear anything." He says putting his jacket on.
"No, I'm coming. I need to be there, I need to be with him. He…I need to make sure he's ok." I say confused.
"You're too emotional right now. It's-"
"Of course I'm emotional he's my baby. He's been outside and going to a hospital, I need to know he's okay." I say stuttering.
"He's not okay Lina. He's not fucking okay! He's been outside hiding for who knows how fucking long. It's not about what you need right now. It's about him! Damn it just stop." He turns around and walks to the ambulance. He takes a seat next to Evan. Before I can reply, the ambulance sirens turn on and they begin the drive to the hospital.
The gate closes behind the ambulance and I can't breathe. I should have fought harder to go. I should have followed after him sooner. I run over a million scenarios in my head of how this morning could have gone to avoid what it transpired into. I feel a hand on my shoulder and turn to face Reynolds.
Over the years everyone but Christian has crossed very serious lines that Christian has drawn out for us on how to behave with his staff. "Lina, why don't you come inside?" He says. "Lina, Izzy needs you." I follow him to Izzy's room where she is being held by Carrick. She's screaming for him to let her go.
"Izzy, what are you doing? Let her go?" I say looking at her.
"She was trying to run with Evan. She shouldn't see that." Carrick says looking at me.
"Just… let her go." Carrick slowly does release her and she falls to the ground crying. It's not something I've seen her do, ever.
"No, no, no, no, no!" She says covering her face. I sit in from of her and hold her hands so she looks at me but it doesn't help. "Don't touch me." I look around but I don't know what's going on.
"Baby look at me. Talk to me. Baby please talk to me." She stops yelling but it doesn't stop the tears or her fear. She's afraid of me. "Can you all just leave." I tell them without looking away from her. She keeps flinging her arms around wildly and huts my nose. I feel the sharp sting on the bridge of my nose and can tell the blood will follow soon.
"Lina we don't want you to get hurt if-" I stop Mia mid sentence.
"She's not gonna hurt me. She's scared. She has a right to be scared! Just give us some space. If I need you I'll ask just give her some time to calm down." Luke nods his head and everyone follows slowly. They're all clearly not sure how good of an idea this is. But for the next twenty minutes it doesn't stop. My nose keeps bleeding and I know that its on the carpet and my shirt but she doesn't stop. After a few minutes she lets me hold her as she cries. she falls asleep on my lap. I'd love to just lay there until everything was ok but there was more then one persons in my family that needed me. I call for Reynolds who I know is right outside and he helps me lay Izzy on her bed.
"Are they ok?" I ask Mia as I walk into the nursery where Reid and Jade are.
"Yeah… As far as they know nothing happened." Carrick and Ana are inside looking at me.
"I'm sorry for yelling I just didn't… I don't…"
"You don't need to apologize it was a lot." Ana says rocking Jade. Christian walks into the room and I know he's on the phone with Elliot.
"Elliot?" I say when he hands me the phone.
"He's ok. Grace says we should keep him overnight. He's still asleep right now you don't need to come. Just stay with the kids. Lina he's ok. I'll take care of him and you take care of the others. We're gonna be ok. I'm sorry about this morning." He says just before hanging up. I remember how this whole mess started in the first place. He answers. "Yes christian?"
"It's me. Um… I'm sorry about this morning."
"Me too baby." He says immediately.
"Take care of our boy ok? Keep me updated. I love you." I say just before hanging up.
Evan spent the night in the hospital. While Elliot was dealing with Evan I comforted Izzy. She woke up screaming and looking for Evan. But she kept mentioning her mom Stephanie while she slept. She hadn't done that in years. Mia and Ana stayed to help with the other kids. It took two weeks of Elliot and I sleeping in Izzy's room to make sure she was ok and an additional three weeks to get Evan to trust us again. But even through the difficult times as parents, Elliot and I worked through it. In reality all that happened was we pushed through it.
—
We don't talk about things the way we used to. We used to be able to look at each other and talk. We would sit in Elliot's office just eating while he would work. I miss that. I miss the way he would look at me when he came from work. I miss the way he would do his work last and worry about our family first. When he would go entirely out of his way for appointments, school conferences or dates. It wasn't just about me. There was a time when there was an us.
Some where along the lines we lost ourselves. And now that I think about it I don't know how to get back to that. The heartbreaking part of it all is that I don't know if we will.
Sitting on this couch, hoping to get back to that point I look at my husband. I look at his jeans and his beautiful blue eyes I wonder when it happened. As I look at him, he looks away to avoid me looking at him. There are times when he won't even look at me and I wonder if he will ever look at me again.
"You can take a minute Carolina. That's a difficult situation to deal with." Dr. Jones says as he hands me a tissue box. Elliot across from me is sitting forward with his head in his hands. He remembers that day with as much detail as I do. "Elliot?" He says handing the box to him next but he refuses. He says he's fine. He's always fine.
"It was a lot to deal with. I just wanted to make sure Evan was ok." Elliot says not looking at me.
"But it wasn't just Evan that day Elliot." I say frustrated.
"Evan was four and going to the hospital for hypothermia, Lina. My priority was to make sure he was alive. I was more concerned about our kid surviving through the fucking night."
"Elliot I know that this, therapy, and what you both had to overcome was an incredibly intense situation but for our sessions we need to remember to remain respectful of each other. For both of you to listen to each other to understand the others' feelings." Elliot rolls his eyes sitting back. "Why don't we take a step back? Why are you both here?" Dr Jones look between both of us.
I know I was here because I wanted to be here. I want to work on our marriage. I want to save what's left of it.
