Deliberation
Chapter Two
Word Count: 8,595
Rating/Warnings/ Summary: Same as chapter one
Author's Note: Okay, so part of why this got longer is because Ikki's my second favorite (again, love the friendship between him and Kent in both their worlds) and I wanted him to know the truth as well as have this moment with Kent. I kind of find drunk Ikki adorable, and I wanted to write it with some friendship thrown in for extra cuteness.
And I still need to do more research, again, but I think it would have to be tabula rasa for all worlds, not just the one with Ukyo.
Two
Kent draped his coat over her and stood back, knowing full well he was already breaking his word to her. She trusted him, and yet he had not voiced two very important things to her. Not, of course, that he would do anything to harm her, even if he was still attracted to her and very aware of the fact that they were alone together.
He wanted to let her rest and hold onto the illusion for a bit longer, but he knew that was not right. Still, there was a part of him that believed that if he waited long enough, she would disappear again, and it would not matter what he said or did now.
He sighed. No, it could not be avoided. He would not wake her deliberately, since she seemed exhausted, worn down by all that led her here, but he could not keep her here, either. If she faded away again or chose to leave when she woke, he would accept that.
He did need to take care of something else, though. He reached into his pocket and took out his phone. He did not bother informing his parents of his current location—knowing them they did not expect him home anyway—and there was little to be gained from that. He shook his head, walking out of the lab and leaning against the wall.
He could use some time away from her, honestly, to sort out his own feelings on the matter. He'd felt the gauntlet from slight amusement to complete horror as she described what she'd experienced, and he did not know what to do with all of these emotions. He knew it was not his place to be jealous, but he was of every man she'd interacted with, especially this Ukyo who claimed to be her true love. He worried about allowing her to go to any alternate world or even interact with the versions of those same men he knew here. They might not be the same—though Ikkyu at least was similar enough to where Kent felt the others could be as well, but judging from the difference she described in her manager, Waka, that did not mean everyone was the same.
Kent did not know Shin or Toma well enough to speculate on them, having spent little time in either's company.
"Well, this is a surprise," a familiar voice teased, and Kent looked over to see Ikkyu standing there. "Not only is your guard down, but you're not wearing your armor. What's wrong, Ken? An experiment go wrong and get all over your coat?"
That was erroneous, but he let it stand for now since he did not want Ikkyu to know she was here and still harbored his doubts about her presence as it was. "You end every relationship after three months, correct?"
"Why are you asking me that now?" Ikkyu asked, frowning. "You've never doubted that before. You're not thinking about trying the same thing, are you? Or is this more doubts about my condition? You should know I'm not lying about it by now."
"To clarify, who ends the relationship? Is it you or the woman involved?"
Ikkyu frowned. "Ken, why are you doing this? If you're just collecting research again—"
"This is important, Ikkyu. Please answer the question."
The other man sighed, leaning against the wall next to him. "You may find this hard to believe, but they leave me."
"They leave you," Kent repeated. Then it was as she said. The fan club had made that pact, and Ikkyu knew nothing of it even now. The only trouble was that he might not believe it on Kent's word alone, and he could offer no proof or even a true explanation of where he had learned of this pact. "Are all of them members of your fan club?"
"I think so." Ikkyu shrugged. "Why are you so interested? You're supposed to be preparing for that big presentation, not prying into my love life. I know that it's been going badly for you for a while now—that's why I stopped by, actually, to see if I could help or even just distract you for a bit—"
"I believe your fan club has entered into a conspiracy wherein all members agree not to date you for more than three months."
Ikkyu stared at him. "What?"
"You said they were the ones to end it and that all of them were in your fan club. It is an obvious pattern now that I look at it more closely. This was something I did not consider in my earlier experimentation on your condition. However, were this to be true, doing so would ensure that you did not favor any one of them over the others and would keep outsiders unaware of the rules from getting close to you. They might even go so far as to demand that the girl dating you share the experience with them through daily reports."
Ikkyu shook his head in disbelief. "No. They're persistent, but they wouldn't do that. And even if they did—no. Rika leads them. She wouldn't do that to me. She's my friend."
Kent regretted that he must push further and cast doubt onto the one other person that Ikkyu seemed to be close to in this world, but if what he'd been told was true, this friendship was not worth keeping. Kent's actions were those of a true friend, weren't they?
"Is she, really?" Kent asked. "I have seen little sign of that outside of her control over those girls, and that much power alone makes her suspicious in my opinion."
Ikkyu glared at him, folding his arms over his chest. "You know, all the stress of this presentation has made you paranoid."
"I regret that I did not pay enough attention to it before, as this cycle should not have been permitted to continue. If you had, in fact, agreed to such a course other than resigning yourself to it, it would be different, but as you have made some remarks to the contrary when you've become inebriated, I do not believe you actually desire to date in this manner." Kent studied him carefully. Perhaps he was wrong to have said anything at all. She would not think so, but then when she'd dated Ikkyu she had kept that truth from him. Did that mean it was better for him not to know? Everything Kent knew about relationships said otherwise. "Or do you? Have I overstepped the bounds of our friendship by telling you this?"
Ikkyu took off his glasses, turning them over in his hands. "You are one of few people who is completely honest with me. You've never treated me as special or resented me for my dating habits and the women who come around me. You may have seen me as something to research, maybe even as an experiment, but you didn't hate me because of the rumors and lies. I have always valued that."
"I sense there is more you wish to say."
Ikkyu sighed. "You are usually right about things you've researched. And I've yet to find a puzzle as challenging for you as the ones you make for me are, but... You had better be wrong this time. I want you to be wrong."
"For your sake, I would also hope I was," Kent told him, surprised by the sentiment. He had no desire to see Ikkyu suffer in such a pointless, cruel repetition that did not seem of benefit to anyone. What did the women gain? They were only with him for a short time and could not hold him. Why would it seem worth it? Even the theory of multiple partners ensuring procreation did not explain this situation with Ikkyu to any form of satisfaction. "If you wish, we could gather proof. We could find someone who would join the fan club and see if those rules were a part of it as I have theorized."
Ikkyu frowned. "Who would we ask? Do you have a sister you've never mentioned to me before? I mean, I can see why you wouldn't introduce us—"
"I remain the only offspring created by my parents' union. However, I may know someone who would be willing to help." Kent looked back at the office door. Would she even be there when he opened the door? He still wasn't entirely certain her presence was real or that she wouldn't be gone in an instant again.
Ikkyu nodded. "That's fine, but I'll speak to Rika myself first. We've known each other a long time. She should tell me the truth."
"She may not."
"Have you forgotten how good I am at poker?" Ikkyu asked, giving Kent an overconfident smile. "If I can't bluff it out of her, then we'll do it your way with the proof."
That was an agreement Kent found reasonable and easy to make. "Very well."
"And if you are wrong—"
"I suppose I could find less challenging puzzles for you for a time."
"That's hardly the apology I'd ask for," Ikkyu said with a grimace. "Though what worries me more is if you're right."
"Agreed."
She woke in a strange room, though by now she was almost used to it. She sat up slowly, not wanting to rush, her hand brushing over strange and yet familiar fabric as she did. Metal jingled just a little and she looked down to see she was covered in Kent's coat. She bit her lip, torn between a smile and a frown.
He was very thoughtful, doing this for her, but didn't it take him a long time to get into and out of that coat? Or were most of those buckles for show?
Curious, she ran her fingers over the sleeve, tempted to undo each of them in turn and find out. She could always buckle them again, right? She didn't know if she should, though. What if Kent was bothered by her messing with his coat? He probably left some of the buckles in place to make it easier to get on and off, and if she undid them, she'd make more work for him. She shouldn't do that. Not again. Not when she'd already put so much on him.
She looked over at the window. Was it dark out? It had been light when she found herself in Kent's world again, but they had talked for a long time with all she had to tell him, and then she had napped, and she wasn't sure how long she'd been asleep.
She didn't have her phone this time around, hadn't woken up at her home and started over again. She'd stepped from the world between worlds and out into the university—not hers, she knew that much, though she wouldn't have known where she was if she hadn't spent so much time with Kent here in the lab.
She felt comfortable here now, which was definitely a change from before when it had been so awkward. She still remembered the day she'd decided to bring him drinks and it all unraveled, but it had turned out so well she was glad it had. Her only regret was that she couldn't stay with Kent longer after he knew and was going to help her.
She'd promised to let him see her the next day, but she'd been bumped by that man on the street and ended up meeting Toma.
Toma.
She wondered if he was always too protective, if he'd always go too far, and she worried about him. She worried about Ikki and Shin, too, and Ukyo. How was it fair to only help one of them? And how did she even pick one of them? If she was sure, really sure, that her heart was Ukyo's alone, the choice would have been simple.
Only she hadn't recovered any memories when she was with Ukyo. He'd saved her, but all she had was a slight fluttering in her chest and his words to determine their relationship. She needed more. And she'd have it if she went back, so maybe she was just delaying the inevitable by coming here. She should probably have just gone ahead to her own world.
She played with the buckle on Kent's coat again, starting to undo it as she thought about what to do now. She couldn't ask Orion, and she wasn't sure she wanted to make any wishes.
Oh, no. She'd been so sure Kent could help when it came to research—and he'd said he'd looked into parallel worlds—but that wasn't a guarantee, was it? Had she gotten herself stuck here because she couldn't make up her mind?
She didn't know what to think of that and was glad for the distraction when the door opened. She looked up to see Kent reentering the room.
"You're still here," he said from just inside the doorway. Then he winced and turned away. "I mean... you're awake."
She frowned, watching him as he shut the door. She knew it was rare to see Kent like this—never in any of the worlds she'd been in had she seen him in anything but his coat or the work uniform, and while both were nice looks for him, it was somewhat nice to get a glimpse of what he was like when he was more comfortable.
Or was this uncomfortable for him, being without his coat and so... free? Maybe being all buckled up was comforting somehow?
"Kent?"
"Ikkyu was here earlier. A while ago, actually. We talked outside the room—I didn't want to wake you and sometimes we do get carried away. Plus the subject matter would have been something that—well, to be honest, he took it better and less emotionally than I expected. I suppose he did not truly believe me," Kent said. He caught her look and added, "I told him what you told me about his fan club. He planned to speak to Rika about it. They should already have met up by now."
"That's... good," she said, wanting to think it was. Ikki would be free of the fan club putting him in that awful position. He'd be free to find someone he really cared about. That was what should happen, and she'd like to see him happy in every world if she could. The others, too. "But... what if she lies about it? Or... what if it doesn't exist in this world?"
"Ikkyu's dating patterns have held true between both this world and the world you experienced when you were dating him. You also spoke of harassment from his fan club in two other worlds. I believe that it is safe to assume this cycle of three months exists in each as well as the bullying from the girls in the club. If there is such an agreement in place, it is best to stop it now."
"But if Rika and the other girls deny it—"
"He felt confident he could get the truth from her, but he also agreed to further investigation as well," Kent said. "To that end, we may require your assistance, should you be able to provide it."
"Of course I want to help," she said, grateful to be able to be a small part of it if she could be. Maybe she'd already helped Ikki just by telling Kent what she knew. "Even if I'm not romantically involved with Ikki, he's a friend. And even if he wasn't, what they're doing to him is wrong."
"Agreed."
She watched Kent for a second, seeing something in his eyes that worried her. Why would he think that she wouldn't do this? "What is it? You didn't actually think I'd refuse, did you? Why did you say 'if I was able?' Why wouldn't I be?"
Kent sighed. "There is something I should already have told you. A theory I have held back from you thus far in part because I cannot prove it but also due to my own cowardice. I do not wish it to be true, but as I have meditated on it since you disappeared, it did seem like there was only one conclusion to reach."
She felt uneasy and clutched his coat to her as if it would give her some warmth against the chill overtaking her deep inside. "What conclusion? Wait, didn't you say that—you were surprised to see that I was still here, weren't you?"
He forced a smile. "Yes, I was. I said too much before, though... It would be wrong for me to keep this from you as much as I would rather not say it. I was even afraid to let Ikkyu into the room for fear that I would find only my coat upon my return."
She swallowed. "You... you thought I'd leave?"
"In some sense, yes, though not necessarily of your own volition," Kent said, and she winced to hear him say that.
How bad had it been for him when she just... left like that? Had the other her understood at all? Had she been harsh and mean to him because the last she knew, they were fighting?
"It..." Kent took a deep breath. "I feel foolish, but I cannot discount the possibility that you are not and never have been here at all."
She stared at him, needing a minute to understand that. He wasn't saying what she thought he was, was she? How could he think that? And if he did... how much did that hurt him? Could anything she said or did now help?
"You think... I don't exist?"
"You are at the moment either quite real or the product of my delusions in wanting to see you again so badly," he said, and she couldn't respond, just kept staring at him. "You seem... shocked by that statement. Perhaps I should—"
"I didn't come back?" That couldn't be right. She was the one moving through worlds. Her other self should still be here. "Didn't I... wasn't she there after I left? Or... did she... Tell me she didn't leave you. Why would she do that?"
"I suspect if she had it would have been because she, like you, was never mine to begin with."
She stood, horrified. She'd thought for sure that once she left each world, the version of her that existed would regain her life—and her memories—and move on with the man she loved. That was the only reason she'd been okay—if she could even say that—with leaving those worlds behind.
"That can't be right. She loved you... didn't she?"
"In no way was I ever certain of that, and as I think back on it, I believe that I may have been mistaken about the entire thing."
"What do you mean?"
Kent shook his head. "That is not important. What matters now is resolving your situation. You came to me because you believed I could help you with it. I do not wish to disappoint you, though I think I already have. I've no simple solution or easy answer for you. I cannot tell you what to feel or how genuine those feelings are. I cannot guarantee you safety if you return. I'm not even certain that I can hold onto the memory you wish to cherish."
She frowned. "What are you saying?"
"I believe we were all meant to forget our encounters with each other. That is to say... when your memories were to be restored, wouldn't that hold true for others as well? Why would the missing time be restored only in one place? Though I think it actually more realistic to expect that the solution would be to create more of a tabula rasa. None of us would remember being with you. One could hardly expect any of our relationships to be sustainable if somehow three weeks vanished for one party and not the other, and furthermore... in some worlds, you were badly harmed or even killed at the end of the end of your stay there."
"Yes, I was," she said, shivering again as she remembered dying when Ukyo threw her off the building, the fear of when she sank toward the bottom of the lake. How horrible would it be to return to either of those moments? That couldn't happen. Those versions of her... were they dead because of what she did? How could she have thought that leaving them was fine? She'd gotten some of them in real trouble. She'd even...
Oh, no.
She looked up at Kent in horror. "Did I... did I kill them?"
"No."
His answer was immediate, but how could he be so sure? She felt tears as she watched him, the guilt overwhelming her. She'd been drowning in the one world. How could she think leaving like that was okay? That girl probably woke in a panic and died horribly. And Ukyo threw her off that roof and she fell and... would that version of her even have woken up?
Kent came over to her side, sitting down next to her. He eyed her hand, and she wondered if he was thinking of taking it. She moved her fingers closer to his, wanting to feel less alone. She wanted a lot more than having her hand held. She wanted to have someone tell her it was all okay but she wanted to see it for herself that they were all alive and happy. She hated the idea of having hurt anyone, even if she hadn't known what was happening before she spoke to Kent and even now really understood what might have happened to her in the worlds she left behind. Orion hadn't mentioned it and she hadn't thought enough about it.
She should have. She should have seen it before now.
"Hey," Kent said, putting his hand over hers at last. She looked at his fingers and then back at his face. She saw such kindness there, such concern for her. "I... Forgive me in advance. I know I will state this poorly, but... I will do my best."
"Kent—"
"I do not think you should feel guilty for the fate of the other versions of you. That was not something you knew about prior to meeting me, and even then, we were still in the theoretical stage without any way to truly test our hypotheses. Using what you knew and your wits alone, such as they might be under the circumstances, you acted as best you could in their stead. What others did to you is not your fault. Some of those events may well have already been in motion before you were present. In fact, most assuredly some were," Kent said, nodding to himself as he spoke. "It is clear that the girls in Ikkyu's fan club are dangerous no matter what world they are in, but you are not responsible for their actions, broken promise or not. It was not right for them to force that promise of you in the first place. You are also not to blame for what they chose to do when you broke that promise. You cannot control them. You did your best to regain your memories and restore things to how they were. There is no fault in that."
She shook her head. "That's not enough. It was terrifying falling off that roof—that... she might not have woken up at all from that. And... drowning in the lake..."
"I don't think that's what they would have gone back to."
She bit her lip. "Are you sure about that? How can you know? You can't, can you?"
"Lacking the ability to see into other parallel worlds, I cannot know, but it would seem to me that if your world was going to be set back to the way it should be if you survived and lived, with your original memories intact and Ukyo alive at your side... then it would stand to reason that similar events would happen in the other worlds you visited as well. That supposes, of course, that a fair and equitable exchange would happen for all worlds and not just your own, but if that is true, then everywhere would reset when you regained your memories. All of us will be back at August first with no recollection of any of this happening. That is what I meant before when I spoke of the tabula rasa."
She nodded. "You're right. That would be fair. And right."
"You do not sound entirely certain of that."
She sighed. "I know I shouldn't care so much, not when there's so much wrong, but if that happened... not even you would remember Orion."
"No, but then the trade off would be that there will be no Ukyo to kill you or forgotten reports to cause resentments. That would mean that you would not fall in the lake or endure the harassment you experienced in two other worlds. You might still fall off that cliff in the world with Shin, but that is not the same thing," Kent told her, and she grimaced. "You said you woke up in the hospital on August first in that world. That accident had already happened. It was different from the one in Shinano with all of us at the meteor shower. That one would probably not occur again as you only avoided Shin due to the strange vision you had of him saying 'killed someone.' So that would not repeat. Most of the other versions of you would be... safe."
She nodded, trying to accept that and feel relieved. "So... I go back and I fix everything. I make it right for all of us."
"In theory."
She looked down, twisting the buckle on his coat again. She didn't like those words. Why wasn't it simple? Shouldn't she just... go back and it would all be fine? That was what she needed to believe, wasn't it? So she should accept that and go like she was supposed to. Why did she keep hesitating? Why wasn't it enough to believe that?
She faced Kent again. "Why do you say 'in theory?' Is it... because I made the wrong choice? I can't go back to the other world now?"
"Ah," Kent said, pulling away from her. "You're worried that my limited knowledge of parallel worlds is not enough to make it so that you return to your own world. I fear that is both true and possibly irrelevant. After all, we are dealing with a wish here."
She nodded. That was true, but it still wasn't reassuring. So if she'd done what Orion and the god planned, she'd just go through the door and set it all back to the way it should be. Everyone would be alive and safe. So she should have done that, and now she'd ruined everything. There was no telling if she had made the right choice at all.
"You think I can just make a wish and go? It's that simple?"
"It may be. Or not." He saw her look and shook his head. "It is not important. You have the information you need now, don't you? You can make your decision and go back to the way things were as you were supposed to before you diverted yourself to this world."
"Kent, do you want me to go?"
He looked away. "You would ask me that."
"Please. Tell me."
"You know I don't. I mean... if I believed that things would go back to the way they were, then I should have no reason to fear it, and I should say that. I will return to my former relationship with you—the other you—that was volatile and likely to fail. That should be my only fear, and it is not so terrible a thing as to keep you from setting all of this right."
"It isn't, is it?"
He tensed, but instead of saying anything more, he shook his head. "It's not my place to stop you. I am here to help you be sure of your choice. That's all."
She nodded. She'd come to him because she knew she'd have time to think about things and do what was right, that he'd help her consider all the angles and possibilities and things she wouldn't even know to think about. He had before, and he knew of Orion and her changing worlds. She wanted to be sure of her feelings before she made a choice that would change so much.
And she was closer now, but she was still holding back for some reason.
Kent had doubts, too, didn't he? And it wasn't just about how badly he'd communicated with the other version of her. Why wouldn't he tell her what he was thinking? Shouldn't she know that, too? Or was that too personal?
He did have feelings for her—a version of her—and she shouldn't be asking so much of him or forcing him into this awful position.
"I'm sorry."
He looked over at her with a frown. "Why are you sorry? I've told you several times already—you did nothing wrong."
"Coming here... it does seem more and more like it must be."
He reached over to touch her head again, making her smile even as her eyes teared up completely. She'd only barely held them back before, but now she couldn't. Kent really was kind, and she hated herself for doing this and not seeing everything. He had, but she hadn't. Even Orion hadn't when it came to what was happening with the others—or had he just not wanted her to see that?
How was what she'd done or what Ukyo did right? Even the god seemed to have gotten it very wrong, and she didn't know how to forgive any of them right now.
She put her hand on Kent's.
"Did you want me to stop? If I'm hurting you again—"
"No, I... Is it wrong to say I'd rather you held me?" She winced. "It is, isn't it? I shouldn't do this, and it's my fault things are wrong and I could fix them if I'd just gone back where I was supposed to but I was selfish myself and—"
"Shh," Kent said, pulling her against him. "What you did, thinking your actions through... that's not selfish. If someone else had done the same, you might not even be in this position. Not, of course, that I want you to have died that day. That's not what I'm say. I'm—What I am trying to say is that thinking your actions through is not always a bad thing and if it is true that you will forget all this, now is your only opportunity to give it such deliberation. You needed time to be sure. That's realistic. Others may not believe so, but I do. Another rash choice would not benefit anyone."
"Shouldn't you be telling me I'm stupid and childish and should have been able to see this on my own if I was smart enough?"
"Do I seem that harsh to you? I admit some of the basics of the arguments you missed are... frustrating, but were I to be deprived of my memories, is it really that likely I would act with my usual level of intelligence? I would likely be worse with people. Or perhaps better. It is difficult to be certain. Also, you had a spirit speaking to you part of the time and that clouded your judgment in some cases. Not that I would—it is not that Orion acted with malicious intent. He genuinely seemed to care about you and seeing you back to your proper memories. However... he did change your behavior from that of a typical amnesiac who would likely panic and seek help from a hospital or the police. That alone altered much of what happened and your response to things. You carried the burden alone and no one would be thinking wholly rationally under the circumstances."
He pulled away and looked down at her. "I doubt I said any of that right. I hope you realize my intention was to convey that... your lack of awareness was merely the fault of being human, not some unforgivable flaw or complete ineptitude. Oh, now I am making it worse. Perhaps I should not say any more. Are you sure you had enough of a rest? You could try sleeping again. You might feel different after more rest."
She wasn't really tired, not physically. The rest of her was a bit worn out and confused, but that was nothing new for her. She might just end up permanently confused. Though... no, not if she went back where she was supposed to be.
"Will you let me stay like this for a while? I don't want to be alone again."
"Of course," Kent said, pulling his coat over her, tucking it in around her a little. "Just rest. I know you have a lot to think about."
She nodded and then closed her eyes, trying to find a way to make all of this right again.
"Are you uncomfortable? It might easier for you to rest if you were not sitting half on me."
She must have fidgeted enough for Kent to notice, and she felt bad about that. She wasn't that uncomfortable, even if there were some parts of Kent that were awkward to lean against and some of the buckles on his coat were in places that made snuggling with it hard, but it was still nice here and she didn't really want to leave his side, even if she should.
"It's not that I'm uncomfortable."
"I find that difficult to believe."
She supposed he would. She didn't want to let go, though. Kent was all she had left of the life she'd been living, and somehow she still wasn't ready to let that go and be who she was before. She didn't know why that bothered her so much. She should be fine there, right?
She should, but she was still holding onto the wrong past almost desperately. Why?
"I don't want to lose you."
"What?" Kent asked, and she saw him frowning at her. She flushed. "I'm sorry, but if you're going to mumble your words into my shirt, I won't be able to understand you."
She knew she couldn't repeat what she'd said. She barely knew how it had come out the first time. She bit her lip, trying to make an excuse. "Um... well... I'm not really tired, so I don't want to... It's not that I don't appreciate the offer, but I'm kind of... this couch isn't exactly a comfortable—I mean it's too big for me alone—and it's not that I'm all that sleepy and if I really am honest about it, what I need is to—oh, but I—I'm doing it again, rambling in front of you. I did this in that other world, when we were coworkers. I'm sorry. At least it wasn't the scientist thing, right?"
"The scientist thing?"
"The... Pauli effect? Is that right? He was some... German... and he broke stuff?"
Kent sat back with a slight smile. "Ah, yes. Austrian physicist Wolfgang Pauli, also known for the Pauli exclusion principle. It was said that 'a functioning device and Wolfgang Pauli may not occupy the same room.' I told you of this before, then, I take it?"
She nodded, tempted to giggle now though at the time she'd been confused and upset by his reaction. She hadn't included it in their other conversations because it didn't seem important, but remembering it now was almost... nice. "I broke some glasses at work when I had a vision of Ikki teaching me to make a parfait. You came in after he helped me bandage my finger and told me about the Pauli effect. I didn't remember anything and was so confused and Orion was frustrated with you... but now I look back and... I liked it. You know so much."
"Yes, it would seem my mind is full of useless information," Kent said, and she frowned at him. He shook his head. "Forgive me. I think I've become... well, this sort of mood has never overtaken me before and I'm not sure how to describe it."
"I might be able to help if you told me what it was like."
He shook his head. "I'd rather not. And besides, if I am interpreting your earlier words together, you are in need of the washroom, aren't you?"
She blushed, even more embarrassed now than she'd been when she fumbled around trying to find something to say before. She knew why it might seem like she'd said that, but she didn't really want to say that to him and it wasn't true, but she had to let him think it was. She didn't dare say the truth. That wasn't right, not knowing what she knew and what she was supposed to do now.
She nodded, not looking at him.
"It's down the hall on the left. I'll walk you if you're uneasy about going on your own, but as late as it is, the school is deserted so you should be fine. Others find the empty halls unsettling. I do not, as the quieter atmosphere allows me to make more progress in my work, but if you are at all bothered by being alone—"
"No." She would be fine, and it would just be more awkward to have him walk her there. "I'll be fine. I'll be back soon."
He nodded, but the glance she took at him as she made her way to the door had her thinking he didn't believe that at all. He was afraid she'd disappear on him again, wasn't he? She supposed she couldn't blame him.
"Kent?"
He looked up from his coat. "Yes?"
"I am coming back."
He gave her a sad half-smile and nodded. She ducked out and hurried down the hall, determined to be as quick as possible. She didn't want him worrying about her—and she had to get him to tell her what he was holding back.
She had to know everything if she was going back to her own world. She had to be ready for it and do what was right. If he had a reason why she shouldn't go, she wanted to hear it. Maybe it was the same reason she kept holding back, even if she wasn't sure why she was hesitating.
She'd ask him when she got back. She promised herself that.
Kent sighed as he sat back on the couch, picking up his coat and setting it to the side. He wasn't cold, not now. He was still sort of numb, his mind all over the place. He owed her the explanation of his other theory, but that might make her hesitate again. She'd doubt her decision even more, and didn't he need to give her the arguments that would support what she was supposed to do?
This was not her world. She should have gone through the other door, not come to him.
He had to fix this by telling her what would make it easier for her to leave again, even if that was not what he wanted, even if he was desperate to keep her here. Still, if he was right, then none of his feelings mattered. He couldn't hold her here out of any selfish desire. Hadn't he been angry with the others for doing that to her?
He was ashamed to be the same way as them, but he did want to keep her. He would not lie about that. He couldn't.
He was still trying to summon the will to tell her when the door opened. He couldn't look at her, hoping she'd either accept his earlier evasion or suggestion that she rest. That would be better.
The couch creaked with much more weight than hers, and he frowned, turning just before the impact of Ikkyu's head with his shoulder.
"I spoke... spoke to Rika."
"That was your intention," Kent said, frowning at the scent of the alcohol coming at him. He'd almost think that Ikkyu was soaked in it given its strength.
"Rika... she... admitted... She admitted everything," Ikkyu said, his words coming out slurred. "I thought I just needed a drink to calm myself before meeting her... get it all right what I was going to say. That would have been fine, should have been fine... but another girl got there before Rika. And she had to tell me she loved me. I rejected her. I... I couldn't trust her even if I was free. That was what I thought. And then Rika came. She wanted a drink... and one drink became another as I tried to get her to talk. I had to push. And when I pushed... She tried to deny it, but I saw, Ken. I saw her lying to me."
"I imagine that was quite distressing."
"She wouldn't admit the truth even when I said I knew she was lying, not at first." Ikkyu sighed. "I told her I had proof. That you'd caught on and we researched it and she knew how thorough you are. I said I had the daily reports. All the details. I had them. I lied, but it was enough. She... she told me everything."
"That is surprising. I had believed she would resist longer and not confess unless you showed her everything and had a witness statement to add to your 'proof.'"
"Didn't I say I told her you did all the research? You should have seen her face. If it wasn't breaking my heart, it would have been hilarious. She went pale and stammered and... I hate her so much. I hate them all so much... You're the only one I can trust." Ikkyu's head slumped down further, onto Kent's chest, and he sighed, knowing his desire to push the other man away was in direct conflict with Ikkyu's words. "You're my only friend."
"I think it would be unfair not to remind you that the major reason we spend time together is my curiosity concerning your condition. It is research. It would be unfair to let you believe that it was more than that."
"But don't you get it? A true friend is that honest." Ikkyu said. He shifted. "Huh. You smell almost... flowery. Or fruity. You really did spill something on your coat."
"You are drunk."
"Yes." Ikkyu looked up at him, expression reminiscent of a small child or animal begging for attention. "You won't make me leave, will you? I don't want to be alone. I'm always alone..."
"Another inaccurate statement. You are frequently surrounded by people."
"Even you know there's a difference between being with people who care about you and people who just use you," Ikkyu said, putting his head down again. "You care. Or you'd send me away. If I was just an ex... experiment... you'd make me go..."
"Doing so would expose both you and others to danger. Your reflexes and intelligence have been diminished by the amount of alcohol you have consumed, and you could easily cause an accident that would injure yourself or others. You may even wish to cause yourself harm under the present circumstances and your extreme emotional distress."
Ikkyu nodded against him. "Very logical of you."
"As I currently seem to be your pillow or something perhaps closer to a stuffed animal in nature, I do not believe logic applies to the situation."
"No. It does. Doesn't. Don't... don't need logic. Need a friend. A real one. Could... could you pretend... for a bit? No logic... no practical reason... just... because you care?"
"Your behavior has me greatly concerned at the moment," Kent told him. "Is... is that enough?"
Ikkyu's response was either a loud snore or so completely incoherent it was incomprehensible, and there was nothing for Kent to do but sit there and sigh.
She washed her face again, trying to calm herself. She wasn't sure how to face Kent right now. She knew what she had to do—make the wish to go back and see if that was enough to make it all right again—but she hated to do that in front of him. Not that she could do it without seeing him again. She couldn't do that to him, disappear again when he was so afraid of it, even if she wanted to avoid seeing him hurt again.
She could do this. She would get him to tell her what he was holding back, and then she would make the wish. She had to do it.
She would rather Orion were with her again, but she shook her head and pushed on, walking back to the lab. The school was a little creepy without everyone around and in the dark, and she didn't want to stay out here for very long.
She heard people talking as she neared the lab and stopped. The rest of the school seemed deserted. Was she confused? Was Kent muttering to himself? No, wait, she knew that voice. That was Ikki.
She opened the door just a little, trying not to make too much noise and disturb them. Ikki had gone to confront Rika, after all, and this conversation with Kent had to be about that, meaning it was very important.
Though it didn't take much to know it had gone badly. She could tell from Ikki's voice that he was drunk, and he sounded miserable. She did think it was a little cute that he was almost snuggling with Kent the way she had, but as adorable as it was, it wasn't good.
The fan club had really hurt Ikki. Again. At least he wasn't alone, right? And he knew now. That was better, wasn't it?
She looked over at Kent.
"We did the right thing, telling him, didn't we?"
Kent looked up at her, his face again betraying how shocked he was to see her again. He grimaced. "Um, yes. As uncomfortable as my current situation is, I believe that it is for the best that he is aware of the true nature of his relationship with these women, Rika in particular."
She nodded. "I think... I think the me that was with Ikki was too scared to hurt him, but I think more and more that I should have told him what was happening right away."
"He might not have believed you."
"But he believed you."
Kent thought about that. "True. He did. He may have had his suspicions about the fan club prior to our conversation. My words were merely the tipping point he needed. Well, more your words than mine. I doubt I would have been cognizant of the issues in Ikkyu's dating cycle despite having previously acknowledged its peculiarities. I studied him but did not look close enough. Once again, you have reminded me of the need for considering the emotional component. Thank you."
She smiled at first and then stopped. "Why do you sound almost... dismissive? Like you're saying goodbye again?"
He eyed Ikki for a moment and then looked back at her. "I believe we have more thing we should discuss. Once you have heard that, you may well wish to part immediately."
"What?"
"You were close to it before, and it goes along with what we've already discussed," Kent told her. He gave Ikki another glance. "For someone who drinks as much as he does, he does not have enough tolerance for alcohol. Our conversation should have awoken him by now, but then I must also evaluate the other possibility."
She swallowed. "You mean that you're just imagining me, right?"
Kent nodded. "I may well be having a conversation with myself at the moment. Ikkyu will laugh if he wakes in the middle of it, but knowing how he gets, he is not likely to respond for hours, and that explains the uncomfortable position I am now in, though I could probably force Ikkyu off if I felt it necessary."
"I think it's kind of you to let him stay. And it will matter to him more than you know. You really are about the only true friend he has."
"So he said. I doubt myself the veracity of such a friendship as I am... who I am, but that is irrelevant. Have you reached your decision? Are you ready to make a wish and return to your own world?"
"Why are you pushing me on that? I thought you weren't going to pressure me."
"You assumed that, and I do not honestly wish to, but... No, I should say it. I have resolved to, after all. It is just—Give me a moment." Kent twisted a little, slowly getting out from under Ikki. He made another face after he was done. "I doubt I can procure my coat now. Still... I'd rather not have this conversation while pinned under him. Please walk with me."
"Won't you get cold?"
"For a while, yes, but I doubt this will take very long."
She frowned. "You're that worried about what you plan to tell me?"
He didn't answer, but that was an answer. Normally she'd want to think he was just really considering what she asked, but this time she knew he just didn't want to answer her. "Come. We won't go far. I don't plan to leave Ikkyu alone for long in his current state."
She nodded, following him out of the door. She wouldn't expect Kent to, even as insensitive as he could be. "Is there somewhere specific you intend to go?"
He shook his head. "No, though I do not intend to outpace you as I have done in the past, either."
She knew a simple enough solution to that. She held out a hand to him, and he hesitated, staring at it for a long time.
"Kent, I'm real. I'm here. For now, I am really here. Please."
He shook his head. "I'm afraid that only makes it more difficult."
"What are you saying? You're of when I leave for the my own world again? It'll be okay. You'll go back to the beginning, and you'll start over, but maybe that's better? You'll learn how to talk to me—the right me—and have a real chance this time instead of the one I spoiled."
"Yes, it would seem so." Kent looked away, out toward the university gates. "Of course, that all assumes that you—a version of you—were actually meant to be in any of these worlds."
She stared at him. "Wait, what are you saying?"
"It has been a theory of mine since the day I lost hold of your hand that perhaps there was no 'you' in this world at all. What I knew of our relationship existed only to keep a place open for you as you passed through this world."
She wished Orion was here to interpret for her or at least question more of what Kent was saying. Would he have explained more to Orion if he was here? Or would Orion already know what Kent meant by all this?
"I don't understand."
Kent gave her a sort of sad smile. "Is it simpler if I say that I've seen no sign of your existence since you left?"
