Deliberation

Chapter Five

Word Count: 5,274

Rating/Warnings/ Summary: Same as chapter one

Author's Note: This chapter was super intimidating to write.

I considered going back and changing how I ended the last one because I wasn't sure I could do what I'd written myself into, and to be honest, I am worried still that it's a mistake, but I think it had to go this way? Or at least it felt like it after all that hesitation and deliberation and all I did.

I had to try it, at least, and try to be balanced and show other perspectives and it took a few rewrites to get it here, but this did seem like the way to go.


Five

For a moment, Shin thought that they were going to turn around and find the girl standing there, though he shouldn't have. He'd seen her a minute ago, with both guys, but he wouldn't have thought they'd be talking about her—and it had to be her because Ikki was pushing Ken about his feelings which were pretty clear to Shin earlier even if they'd only been around for a few minutes—while she was standing right there. Still, while he couldn't be sure she was with them, he should have known it wasn't her by the voice alone.

He looked the man in front of him over, frowning. Something about him was familiar, too, in that vague sense that all of the others had been a little familiar. That girl made Shin feel the same way, but he swore he didn't know her. This didn't make much sense, but then—Ikki and Ken had been talking like they knew him and Toma. Toma hadn't met either of them. This was weird.

"You?" Shin asked, frowning. "Who the hell are you?"

He regretted it as soon as he said it. He was rude, but most of the time he did speak with some respect toward his seniors. He found adults were more accepting of the truth about his father than most kids were.

"Shin," Toma said. He looked toward the other man. "Excuse my brother. We were just startled. It seemed almost like they were talking about us. And then you spoke—it was—"

"I don't need you apologizing for me," Shin said. He faced the other man. "He's right. I was surprised. It's not an excuse, though."

"I understand. You did not mean to hear me. Nor were you intending to hear them. I suppose this once again is an example of unintended consequences." The man gave them a sort of sad smile. "Please excuse me."

Shin watched him walk away from them, frowning. He hadn't gone over to join the others, instead fading back into the bushes somewhere like he didn't intend to be seen. If that was his goal, why had he said anything to Shin and Toma? He could have—should have—kept silent and left them wondering.

They had two choices—listen more or walk away, but after that guy, Shin was even more suspicious than he had been before, and he wasn't sure he could walk away now, not with so much unknown. Who was that guy? Was he just joking about what he'd said about Ikki and Ken talking about him? And were they talking about Shin and Toma as well?

He wanted answers. He didn't like this. It was bad enough strangers talking about what his father had done, that always seemed to happen, but this was about him, about something he'd supposedly done that hurt someone. He didn't like this.

And what was with the part about Toma and a cage? That couldn't be right, could it?

Shin looked over at Toma, seeing his brother frowning. Toma tended to see the good in people, trusted them too much, but even he seemed to be bothered by that guy's behavior.

"Toma?"

"I think we need to know what's going on."

Shin nodded. He had too many questions now to turn back now. He wasn't about to leave before he had some answers.


The trouble, Kent thought as soon as Ikkyu posed the question, was that he was not selfless at all. He wanted to do the irrational thing and keep her with him, to damn all other worlds and even his own, and perhaps he was worse than the one they judged in absentia, this Ukyo, for wanting such things himself. Still, Kent was trying, even as his resolve faltered more and more, especially with Ikkyu's words, to do what he knew was right.

If they pushed him much further, either of them, he would not be able to resist the temptation to hold fast to what had never been his in the first place. Even now, he wished he'd lied to her, told her things that would make her stay instead of leave, guided her to accept this world and make peace with being here forever, to ask that maybe she could love him more than any of the others.

He would eventually hate himself for the lie, he knew that, but that part of him existed and wanted what they'd shared so much that he would have been tempted to do it. He could have, he knew, since it wouldn't have taken much to convince her that there was no way to a parallel world. She'd chosen his, and she had to stay here. With him.

Only he knew that wasn't the right choice, not according to logic—he would never be the right choice in anyone's mind—and he'd tried to be honest about that. He had even thought that his typical insensitivity would be enough to sway the issue, but no one seemed willing to accept that.

"I agree that it seems as though she would be safer here," Kent said. "I do not know if that is completely true—there is no way for us to be certain that any of the events would replay themselves as she experienced in those other worlds. She may be just as safe with you or Shin or even Toma if she chose one of them. And if it was only this split personality created by the suffering he experienced that harmed her, then Ukyo as well is safe."

"Yeah, but you don't really believe that, do you?" Ikkyu asked. "My fan club is still dangerous even if I know what they're up to, Toma has some real issues if he cages what he loves—though some people are into that, who are we to judge?—and while it wasn't that Shin himself hurt her, he did push her in a way that led to her getting hurt, right? So he's not entirely safe, either. And who knows if that other side of Ukyo would surface or not? We can't know if he will remember or not, and if he couldn't keep that psycho in check before, what guarantee is there he'd do it now?"

None, Kent supposed. "It would depend on how far the tabula rasa went. If the reset meant that her memories and his were gone, the likelihood of the second personality emerging is lessened, if not extinguished completely. In which case, there is no need at all to worry about her in the other world, so this conversation is pointless."

"Pointless?" Ikkyu demanded. "How can you even say that? It's like you feel nothing at all."

"I keep telling you that this isn't about what I want. It never has been," Kent said, frustration getting the better of him. If Ikkyu did not stop, Kent would say or do something rather rash and possibly violent. "Quit trying to make it that. I can't—I've told you that I understand your point and that I agree with most of your argument, but I don't see any advantage in belaboring this. If my theory is correct, none of it matters, so why do you insist on addressing my feelings? So what if it's love? That's nothing more than a chemical reaction in the brain anyway."

"Kent," she whispered, lowering her head, and he flinched, hating himself for hurting her, even if it might be the right thing to do in order to end all of this.

"You know, it's not really our place to say, but I'm pretty sure even Shin thinks that you're treating her pretty badly. It's not right to make the girl you claim to love cry."

Her head jerked up again, and she blinked in confusion. "Toma?"

"Okay, that's just weird. How do you know us? I mean, me you sort of met earlier, but Toma? He's a stranger to you. Only you've been talking about both of us like you know us," Shin said. "You don't, though. There was never any cliff or anything like that."

"I suppose it is regrettable you heard what you did out of context," Kent said. "Though even in context it would likely be confusing."

"What are you talking about?"

"Are you at all familiar with the concept of a multiverse? Or even parallel universes on their own? This would help a great deal to begin with," Kent told them, though he admittedly did not want to explain this. "Most of our discussion was theoretical, of course, and no proof exists—arguably, no proof can exist, which leads some to suggest that the idea of a multiverse is actually a philosophical idea instead of a scientific one, however—"

"Ken," Ikkyu said. "Don't get sidetracked now. They're not interested in all the theories. Even I didn't want them, and I know both how you work and half of what you were going to say anyway."

Kent nodded. "Of course. I was merely trying to establish a knowledge base, wanting to know what they were familiar with."

"And maybe scare us off with some big terminology and confusing science talk?" Toma suggested. "Because it might have worked, if we weren't pretty sure that against all reason you were actually talking about the two of us."

In a manner of speaking, yes, they had been, but Kent did not exactly want to say that. "I told you we were dealing with a theoretical mutltiverse situation. It supposes that many universes exist including our own, and within them are infinite variations, some possibly created by a single choice. Some would state it that way, at least, that each universe branches from every choice you make."

Shin rubbed his neck. "And those choices involve us... how?"

"Technically speaking, they don't."

Ikkyu winced. "Ken, don't make it more complicated than it already is. Just tell them. Even if they don't believe us, it's not going to hurt anything, and it'll save everyone a lot of time."

Kent sighed. He did not want to have this discussion again. He was not certain he could maintain his composure for it. "If you insist on telling them, perhaps you should do the talking."


Toma listened to Ikki's story with growing disbelief. This sounded more like something from one of his video games than reality, even if both of the other men managed to be confident and knowledgeable about the subject. Kent, in particular, seemed to know a lot about anything he chose to add to Ikki's narrative, but Ikki himself was far from what Toma had pictured when Shin talked about him. A big flirt with nothing in his head was what Ikki sounded like at first glance, but the guy had a grasp of these concepts that not only surprised Toma, but made him a bit jealous.

He got a little lost now and then, and Shin did, too, from the angry look he got every now and then, that annoyed face he made when he didn't understand anything. It said a lot that he was showing that much, Toma knew, since Shin had a really good poker face.

Then again, he might be the only one who was really aware of the emotions Shin let slip. Few people could see past either of them, and Toma was probably the only person who knew Shin well, despite his brother's attempts to distance himself from Toma as he got older.

Still, all this about parallel universes worried him. As did his own behavior in them. He couldn't deny that he would do anything for those he loved, and he sometimes wanted to protect Shin in ways he hated—locking someone away to protect them almost seemed reasonable when he considered just how stubborn a few of them could be, but he hadn't actually done that, so it was okay.

Mostly.

"Understandably, if you object to any of these events or even the existence of the universes as we have presented them to you, you are free to do so," Ken said after Ikki had finished. "We cannot offer any proof, aside from the truth of Ikkyu's fan club's actions in this universe as well as the others, which is not much."

Toma nodded. He knew that a part of him would like to deny it. None of that was real, so he didn't have to worry about what he might do. That other him, that wasn't him, right?

Not that he didn't get the sense that he was being judged, at least a little, based on what that other him had done. All of them seemed a lot more understanding about Shin spooking his girlfriend off a cliff over what the other Toma had done to his, locking her in a cage, even if he'd done it to protect her.

Shin eyed the girl. She bit her lip and moved closer to Ken.

"Do we scare you that much?"

She shook her head. "No, I... It's not that. It's... I thought... I didn't want to hurt any of you, and I don't... you aren't those other versions of you, but then... you're similar in some ways, and it's difficult. We were close in every world, but you don't know me. I know how Ukyo felt now."

"Except you're not going to go crazy and start killing us because of it, right?" Ikki asked, and she flushed red as he teased her.

Toma frowned. "I think we don't know what we'll do until we're in that situation. None of us can call ourselves blameless, not from what I heard. And I know I've probably got more of it than anyone but this Ukyo guy, but still, we all have our faults."

"It becomes a philosophical argument about redemption at some point," Ken agreed. "And that is not one I feel qualified to have, nor do I wish to. Ideally, we will all forget this conversation ever took place, and that will be the end of it."

"Maybe some of us shouldn't forget," Shin said, giving Toma a glance. Toma frowned at him. "I didn't just mean you. I don't want to be responsible for hurting anyone, even by accident. What my father did was an accident, too, or did you forget that?"

"It does not mean you are fated to repeat the actions of your father," Ken told him. "Even if there are similarities in the basic circumstances, the overall situation is very different. Not that you should wish to harm anyone, and it does seem like you may have been overly forward in your behavior toward her, but that is not the same as a drunken fight that ended in someone's death."

"It's easier for you," Ikki said. "You were an overly rational, rude and insensitive guy, but you didn't get anyone hurt. Even if it was my fan club, in a way I am responsible for that."

"I am not trying to dismiss anyone's concerns," Ken said with a frown. "I merely meant that such fears may be unnecessary as these events are not set."

"But the behaviors that led to them are still in us, right?" Shin asked. "That's what has her concerned, why she didn't want to just walk away from the other versions of us and why you didn't want to send her back to that other guy."

"That is correct."

She looked around at them. "I'm sorry. It must sound like I don't trust any of you."

"I don't think it's that," Toma said. "Sounds to me more like you care enough about us to worry. You want to save us from ourselves. I think I can relate to that."

Shin gave him another look. Toma shrugged. He wasn't going to lie. He understood wanting to help and worrying over people—it was the big brother in him that couldn't let go.

"Still, it looks like you made the right choice after all," Ikki said, and she turned to him with confusion all over her face. "I kind of said it before, because you chose Ken and his big brain, but because you did... you not only got to hear what he thought but now you've spoken to all of us. Maybe not the versions you knew and dated, but you know where we stand. That helps, doesn't it?"

"Only she hasn't heard from everyone," Ken said. "Ukyo is not present."

"True," Ikki agreed. "Though if your theory is correct, there is a version of him around here somewhere. We'd just have to find him and get his input if she wanted it. She'd know how all of us felt, more or less, without ever leaving this world."

"I don't know how we'd find Ukyo," she said. "He seemed to travel a lot, didn't have a home. I found him sleeping outside. Though... he did call me, so he had a phone."

"Did any of our numbers stay the same across these universes?" Toma asked, now curious. "It would be interesting if they were, though I suppose you'd say the odds were against it."

"Yeah, but who even remembers numbers anymore?" Shin asked. "Most people just put them in their phone and forget all about it unless someone changes their number."

"He's got a point. I don't even think I know Ken's number," Ikki said, taking out his phone. He checked it and smiled in amusement. "No, I didn't, though I'm sure you approve of it being a prime number."

"I do," Kent said, "though most times I admit I forget that as well."

Shin rubbed his head, and Toma wanted to laugh. Little brother was not amused by the math nerds. "None of that matters."

"True." Ken looked over at the girl. "Are you determined now to find Ukyo before you take any further steps?"

"Is it worth checking to see what's on her phone?" Toma asked. "If she has numbers for any of us that match up, then she might have a valid one for Ukyo."

"Or she'll call a random stranger," Shin muttered, shaking his head.

"It might be worth it," Toma said. "If she can make the call, we might even hear it ring here."

Ikki frowned at them. "You two know Ukyo? You saw him here in the park today?"

Toma looked at Shin. Shin shrugged. Toma shook his head at his brother's stubbornness, but he supposed he could be the one to answer. "No, we don't know him, but there was someone earlier that could have been him."

She swallowed, eyes wide. "Really?"

Toma nodded. "We heard part of your conversation. You already know that, but we weren't the only ones that did. Someone else did, and he even said you were talking about him before walking away."

"Is he still here?" Ikki asked, looking around them. "Why didn't you mention him sooner?"

Shin snorted. "He could have been anyone. Just because he said it was about him didn't mean it wasn't a joke or he was sane. He was weird."

"He seemed harmless enough," Toma said, thinking back to their encounter with the stranger. "I didn't think much of it, though Shin was pretty rude."

"Yeah, but you seem harmless," Shin countered, and Toma glared at him. He felt like showing him just how dangerous he could be right now, though that was what Shin wanted.

"Actually, I believe them both to be mistaken about the identity of our additional audience," Ken said. Everyone turned back to frown at him. Had he known someone else was listening the entire time? Why hadn't he said anything? "Or am I incorrect in surmising that Nhil is present?"


"No, you are not incorrect," came the answer from what looked like Ukyo, and she frowned to hear it. He smiled, and it was very strange to see. Everything about him looked like Ukyo, and she wanted to say he was lying. How could he be Nhil? Orion had never spoken through her. She'd written down what he said for Kent, but he had never spoken using her voice, even when their senses were connected.

"I did not think so," Kent said, arms folded over his chest. "After all, Ukyo would lack the ability to pass between worlds on his own, and even if he did not, how would he know where to find us at this particular moment? Even assuming my theory about him existing in this world where she did not was correct, he would lack awareness of any of us or locations familiar to our group, and him showing up here of his own device would be extremely unlikely."

"I did not think anyone would recognize my presence," Nhil said through Ukyo. "It would seem her faith in you is not misplaced. It is as Orion said. You really are quite intelligent."

Kent regarded the other man—the god—rather coldly. His arms still crossed over his chest, his glare reminded her of how she'd found him intimidating when she hadn't realized he was thinking. This time, though, he was not lost in thought. He was angry, not just irritated or prideful and ready for a fight. She hoped he didn't do anything he'd regret.

"I fear I cannot say I share the sentiment."

"And I have to agree with Ken," Ikki said, and now she was a bit worried about his anger, too. Who knew what he'd do if he believed that Nhil had been the one who granted him this terrible wish? "I suppose I should be more forgiving—it's not like I knew what I was asking for or how much trouble it would be when I got it, but I would have hoped a god would know better."

"Perhaps I should have," Nhil said, "but I have found I have much to learn about humans. As much as they fascinate me, I only barely begun to understand them. I can grant their wishes, and I have, as I want to, but I had never really seen the consequences of my gifts until I joined with Ukyo and tried to fulfill his wish."

She swallowed. "But if you came here through Ukyo... does that mean it wasn't granted after all? That what happened in the clock tower wasn't enough?"

Nhil shook his head, using Ukyo's sad smile again. "No, it was enough. My power was restored, and I was ready to return you to your world."

She winced, unable to look at Kent. "I made the wrong choice, didn't I?"

He shook his head. "Orion had faith you'd make the right one, and you did. Once again, I failed to consider all the consequences of my actions. I believed that all you needed was a way to return to your home, and I did not understand the depth of your kindness, how you needed to be sure that everyone was safe and even loved. You were worried over all your friends and potential lovers, not just one, and those that might have suffered in your place."

She bit her lip. She didn't know that she was that good of a person. She could be too indecisive, relying too much on others to make decisions for her. She didn't always say what she should, and she could have done more to save herself and others before now.

"I don't understand."

"If I were to theorize at this juncture, I would say that you returning to your own world has been complicated by your current desires," Kent said, and she looked at him, still confused. "Nhil's power works by granting wishes. You wanted—wished for, I should say—something more than a mere return to your old world. You needed to be sure that you were doing right by everyone involved, and that complicated matters enough to where Nhil had to come to you in person if he was to have any hope of granting this wish."

"You mean... I'm keeping everyone from their lives right now?"

"In a sense. You delayed your return to make sure you did the best thing for everyone, but in so doing—"

"That holding pattern," she said. "I created it, not you or anyone else. It's because I didn't go back, just like you said, Kent." She winced. "I don't even know what I want, so how can Nhil? All I've done is made it worse again."

Ikki put a hand on her shoulder. "I don't believe that. You freed me from that three month cycle, remember? You and Ken. You helped me, and you also prodded Ken toward helping others. The offer of tutoring still stands, Shin, but again, Ken's the genius so get him to do it."

Toma looked at Shin. "You refused tutoring? I thought you were having trouble with prepping for your exams."

"I never said that."

"But you are."

"Shut up, Toma. No one asked you."

She wanted to smile a little at their bickering, but couldn't. She turned back to Nhil. "I'm sorry I made you come here to fix this."

"Neither of us blame you or are in any way upset by your choice," Nhil told her. He smiled when she frowned. "I am speaking of Ukyo, too, who graciously agreed to host me again while I was here. He wanted so much for you to live. He wants you to be happy."

"Um, shouldn't we hear that from Ukyo himself?" Shin asked, still sounding suspicious.

"I concur. We have all had our chance to have somewhat of a say, all but Ukyo," Kent said. "If we have advised her on this matter, so should he, and it should not come in the form of you speaking for him any more than one would trust him speaking solely for you. As much as I have disagreed with his choices, I am not... entirely unsympathetic toward him."

Ukyo's expression shifted ever so slightly, as did his posture. "I did not feel I deserved a say, not after what I did."

"Ukyo," she whispered, pained. She knew he would always feel guilty for killing her, even if Nhil could change some of those deaths. At least... she hoped he could.

"I think most of us would agree with that," Shin told him, "but then I'd be like everyone who only saw what my dad did, not the rest of who he was or how it changed him."

Toma nodded. "Yes, and I hear you're not alone in going to extremes. If I have any hope of forgiveness, then who am I to deny it to you?"

Ikki shrugged. "We all do things we regret. I don't even know that I can make up for the choices that led to what happened with my fan club. I can't blame it all on the wish—some of that I did myself, not even bothering to try to break the cycle, not caring how those women felt because it was real to them even if I knew it wasn't real. They believed they were in love. I never was. I did what I thought I had to because of my condition, but that doesn't make it right. Then again, I also never killed anyone."

"I don't think we should start an argument over which of us has the least... sin, as it were," Kent said. "That is not the important thing now. What matters is finding the path that does fulfill her wish, as complex as it is, the one where we all benefit in some measure. I admit, I do not know how that would be possible, as the worlds must have some kind of reset to undo the harm done to the girls who died or were injured..."

He started to pace again, thinking, and she smiled as she saw him, even as tears pricked at her eyes. He might be right in that there was no way to do what she wanted. Maybe it was impossible. Maybe she had to make another choice, but how?

She cared about all of them. She didn't want anyone dead or anyone hurt. She wanted them to know love, but she couldn't be the girl for all of them, and she wasn't even sure who she loved most now, not with all these memories and the conflict in her head.

And... she still missed Orion.

Nhil had come, with Ukyo, but not Orion. She still had to say goodbye to him, to forget him. That didn't feel right, either.

What was she going to do? If she could figure out where she belonged, if she knew how to make things better for everyone—she knew perfect was impossible, but somehow there had to be some way of improving things even a little for each of them. The girls who died, they deserved to live, and the guys deserved to be happy. Ukyo and Toma should have their chances at redemption. Ikki should have his freedom. Shin should be seen for himself, not just his father's mistakes. And Kent needed a life beyond logic, where he could share the love she knew he was capable of feeling and didn't have a need to hide it behind the excuse of chemicals or procreation.

She flushed, realizing she was making that complicated again. She'd been trying to find something simpler for each of the guys so she could make her wish more feasible and fix things for everyone, but she still didn't know how.

Kent stopped and looked back at Nhil. "I was mistaken. There was one other voice we have not heard from, even if we never knowingly heard it before."

"You mean Orion," Nhil said. "You believe he should be here."

She looked over at Kent, tempted to cry again at his thoughtfulness, and back at Nhil. "Yes."

Nhil nodded. "I suppose you did get quite close to him when he was in your mind."

"It would, I think, be impossible for it to be otherwise," Kent said. "He was her only constant companion when things were confusing and frightening, and he did his best to guide her through what was happening even though he was unsure of it himself. He was... enthusiastic, as well, at least in our conversation."

"You spoke to the spirit in her head?" Shin asked, frowning in disbelief.

"You spoke to the spirit in his head," Toma pointed out, looking at Ukyo and Nhil. Shin only glared at him in response.

"It is a bit hard to believe that you would do that," Ikki told Kent, "but then you would try to understand this any way you could, so you would try and communicate as directly as possible with the person you thought had the answers."

Kent nodded. "Precisely. Though he was admittedly lacking in most answers and I insulted his intelligence."

"But you also apologized and tried to be kinder," she said, thinking back on that part with a sad smile. It had been kind of nice to have the three of them talking, even if only she could hear Orion. Kent had been surprisingly understanding, and Orion was so happy to talk to someone else. They'd all been disappointed when their talk was cut short.

And then she'd gone to another world and another and really needed Orion in both of them. She wished she been able to tell him more of how much it mattered to her, and she still didn't want to give up her memories of him.

"You weren't supposed to miss me so much."

She turned and looked to the side, seeing a familiar figure, blurred a bit by tears. "Orion."