Deliberation
Chapter Six
Word Count: 3,030
Rating/Warnings/ Summary: Same as chapter one
Author's Note: Um... so this wasn't the plan, not at first, but I think it worked out to do it this way.
I was trying to make it so everyone got a bit of a say, though I know it's still not balanced in that way. Still, I'd like to think that this time it was given proper consideration, and I think that there should have been a much better chance to say goodbye to Orion no matter what universe and it's not right she had to forget him.
And also... if I am being balanced, is it better to end it here and do what the anime did where people can pick which door she went through?
Six
She rushed over, wanting to hug him, but once again, she couldn't. Orion was a spirit, and she couldn't touch him, even as much as she'd missed him. It had only been a day, but the idea of losing him forever, not even being able to keep her memories of him, that had driven her here, to the one place where Orion would still exist, or so she'd hoped. She'd wanted Kent's memories to keep Orion with them, and now she thought she understood her hesitation even in the face of all Kent's theories and what seemed like the only right thing to do.
"You were a part of me," she told Orion. "I... You were. You were a part of me, the only part of me that I was able to keep through everything that happened, as confused as I was. Even when you couldn't show yourself to me, I still hoped you were there and took comfort in believing you were and you'd come for me when you could."
"I still feel like I let you down. I wasn't able to do much for you, couldn't stop you from being hurt, couldn't even show myself when you really needed me."
"As you were linked to her mind, occupying the place of her memories, and by your own nature in capable of interacting with things in this plane of existence, I do not know why you're berating yourself," Kent observed. "It was no fault of your own that you were unable to assist her in that manner."
Orion's eyes widened, and he turned to look at Kent. Then he looked back at her. "Oh! Part of your wish must have been that Kent could see me, too."
She looked over at Kent, blushing a bit to remember that she'd thought that several times, not just when they were talking but even after she got back and was counting on him to have the memories of Orion that she was about to lose.
"Oh, but this is a bit embarrassing!" Orion said, eying Kent. "I never thought you'd actually see me. I mean, I was glad to see her again, because I missed her as much as she missed me, and I kind of wanted to stay, but I figured eventually I'd get to visit her again, even if she didn't notice me, though she thought she'd know and that was going to have to be enough, but you're not just talking to me through her. You're talking to me. I'm so excited and yet..."
Kent frowned, apparently afraid he'd done something wrong, even though he hadn't. "Yet...?"
Orion turned to her. "What do I do?"
She couldn't help laughing. Most of the time, she was the one asking Orion what to do, not the other way around. "I think all you have to do is be yourself. In a way, that was what you were trying to get me to do all along."
"Well, yeah, sort of, because we were trying to get your memories back without anyone suspecting you," Orion said. He smiled. "I'm so glad I was able to appear to you again. And that Kent can see me. That's amazing. That's really never happened before. You were the only one, but now there's two, and it's Kent who listened to us and tried to help. And now you know what I look like and not from a really bad drawing. I'm better than the drawing, right?"
She flushed, thinking of her poor skills in that regard. She'd done a terrible sketch for Kent. It barely looked like Orion.
"Yes, seeing you in person has much improved over that image."
Orion smiled happily, bouncing a bit with how pleased he was. His childlike enjoyment of things like this was really endearing, she thought. "I wish I could have done this last time."
"I had hoped myself to speak to you longer," Kent agreed. "Though I should probably have remained silent for longer and not interrupted your reunion."
"Oh, no," Orion said. "As good as it is to be here with her again, I can't tell you how great this is for me to talk to you directly. We learned so much when we were with you. I mean, yeah, it was awkward, and you were a bit scary and hard to figure out sometimes, but you really cared and did your best to help us understand what was happening to her. That was really important. We both needed it, even if it didn't all come together until we were back in the other world and I realized Nhil was helping Ukyo."
"Then you had no idea you were a part of his greater plan, then."
"You thought I kept that from her?"
Kent studied him for long enough to get Orion to fidget where he hovered. "I considered the possibility after what she told me and after I'd developed another hypothesis about how Nhil arranged to fulfill Ukyo's wish by transferring only her core essence between worlds, not the woman herself."
"What?"
"Ah," Kent said. "How should I put this? You would have been necessary if I am right about Nhil needing to use a world where Ukyo existed so that he would not die before the twenty-fifth. If only her core essence shifted, then she needed the 'amnesia' you caused not to realize she was in the wrong world. She needed to believe she belonged, even if she did not. The problem came when Nhil lost control of his powers and she shifted out of control, becoming aware of those shifts in a way she should never have been if things had gone according to plan the first time."
"Oh." Orion winced. "I think some of my own memories were confused, too. I hadn't realized I was looking for her to watch over her when we merged. That was an accident. I swear."
"It was necessary, whether it was intentional or not. She would not have survived without you. We are all grateful to you for that."
Orion smiled. "Thank you, Kent."
She smiled, too, her heart warmed by the moment. This was more than she'd expected, even if she'd hoped for it. She wanted them to have this chance to speak, but to see them getting along so well, that was wonderful.
She swallowed. She hadn't asked for this for anyone else, though, had she? That was hardly fair, and now—well, it wasn't like she could ask for more now, could she? She'd already caused enough trouble. First because she died, causing Ukyo to go to the lengths he did and suffer so much that he completely changed into a killer, and now because she hadn't let go and kept wanting to do more because every thing she thought about led her to something else that she wanted to fix, someone else she felt needed help, something that she hadn't thought of before, and her wishes became more confused and complex.
"I suppose you can't stay," she said, and Orion nodded sadly. "I knew that already, but I didn't think—I didn't have much time to say goodbye and I was going to forget you forever. I wasn't ready for that. I couldn't do it easily. I... I broke everything trying to hold on."
"That seems a common theme," Kent observed, and she had to nod to that. She had just thought it herself—her own actions weren't that far from Ukyo's, and from what Kent said, his refusal to let go of his memories of her was also similar.
"Yes," she agreed, feeling tempted to take his hand again. She looked at Orion. "How long do we have this time? And... I still have to forget, don't I?"
Orion frowned. "I don't actually know. I'd like to think you wouldn't, but..."
"It would seem to me it makes little sense for her to forget unless everyone else's memories are going to change as well. If, for instance, she returns to Ukyo and he simply... forgets what he did when he lost her, and she forgets it as well—"
"That's not right," she protested. "It can't be like that. Ukyo has to learn from it. So do I. Otherwise all of that suffering is for nothing. And if I don't remember Orion but I remember what Ukyo did—that doesn't make any sense."
"It was my supposition that everyone would forget all these events as they were being reset, as only that would be equal and fair, but you raise a valid point. For no consequences to be felt for the actions that Ukyo—or any of us—took, is unrealistic and impractical. We must learn from our poor choices. We must endure the ends of mistakes we made. I could go into greater detail into the concept of survival of the fittest—"
"Um, that's okay," Orion said. "I think I understand."
She tried not to laugh. Orion hadn't thought much of Kent's thoughts on math, and she admitted she'd been confused by them, but she loved his enthusiasm for his subject when he was talking about something he liked.
"Very well. I should let you continue your conversation. I was simply startled to realize that I was also able to see and hear you, and I reacted accordingly."
Orion smiled, but then he frowned. "Wait, does that mean you're the only one out of the rest of them that can see me?"
"I imagine everyone else thinks Kent and I are acting very weird right now," she said. She sighed. "I guess I made this part of the wish before everyone was here? I only thought of Kent being able to see you, not the others."
"Perhaps. Or the others are still in a state of shock over what they are seeing and have simply said nothing. It is curious, though, that we have not even heard them asking us what we're doing," Kent observed. "If we were only speaking in our heads, it makes sense they would not react to what we say, but for them not to say anything at all is odd."
She frowned. "You think it's possible they don't know that Orion's even here?"
"Perhaps. The silence and fact that only the three of us are speaking suggests that we are somehow isolated, but it is not proof."
"I didn't think we were talking in the space in between worlds again," Orion said, frowning. "Normally that looks a lot different than this."
Kent considered that. "From what was said before, Nhil has the ability to alter people's perception of time, yes?"
"He does. That's what he did and why it was so cold because it wasn't really August but much later," Orion answered. "Oh, you think he has altered the sense of time again?"
"It could be that. We're experiencing time at what seems like a normal rate for us, but when we finish this conversation, very little if any time will have passed for the others around us."
"That would make sense. You're very smart," Orion told him. "I'm glad you're here to figure things like this out."
"It has been a fascinating episode, the kind of research opportunity that few people, if any, would ever have," Kent said. "In some ways, it makes up for the emotional discomfort of the overall experience."
"Oh," Orion said. "That's right. You looked very sad when we spoke to you, when you thought she wasn't really the woman you loved."
Kent reddened and looked away. "I think we should probably—or at least I should—leave and let you finish your conversation alone. I do believe this is the last piece she needs to make her decision. She needed to see you again, though I am... pleased she thought enough of me to ask for this, for me to be able to see you as well."
"I'm glad we were able to talk," Orion said. He frowned. "And a bit sad you'd leave right away, but I guess... you have to?"
"I think it best," Kent said. "That way you two can finish your discussion and she can make the choice she needs to make."
"Okay," Orion said. "If you're sure."
Kent nodded and moved away from them, leaving them alone together.
"Kent sure is thoughtful. I wouldn't have expected it of him at first," Orion said. "He's so big and stoney-faced and even rude."
She nodded. She'd thought the same about Kent herself, before she knew him better, and he acknowledged it, too, that he was difficult to get along with and insensitive. He had learned, though, and made a real effort, keeping that promise about the festival and doing his best to show her in other ways that if nothing else he was committed. He'd been very kind after she came back here, helping her as much as he had.
"You're going to miss him, aren't you?"
She nodded again. "I'll miss all of them, I think, even if they'll still be in the world I choose. I know that they were all my friends and coworkers when I knew Ukyo, but that isn't the same. I care about all of them, and I can't just exchange the one from any other world to take their place."
"Of course not," Orion agreed. "They're the same, but they're still different."
She looked away. "I've hurt so many people. What Ukyo did, what I did... I didn't mean to make it more complicated, but I have. I just wanted to be sure that this time I did the right thing."
"I don't think you didn't before," Orion said. "What happened wasn't your choice, and we did our best with what we knew, but our circumstances were limited. I was giving you the best advice I had, but I wasn't always there, and sometimes I pushed you toward the wrong thing. I couldn't stop what happened, and I even got too focused on getting your memories back at times. Not that you didn't need them, but I made you take some risks you probably shouldn't have."
"You still saved me. And it was very confusing to be on my own," she said. "I needed your help."
"I know," Orion said. He smiled at her. "I just wish I was more, you know? And I wish I could stay with you longer. I learned so much when I was with you."
"Me, too," she said, still wanting to touch him, hug him. "I'm glad we had a real chance for a goodbye this time. Last time was too rushed, especially when I knew I was going to forget you."
"I know. I didn't want it to be like that, either, but I knew you'd be okay on your own, and I was glad of that," Orion told her. "I still didn't expect this, though."
"I'm sorry I dragged you back and put everyone through this. I just... needed time to make the right choice."
"Yes, and Nhil and I know now that rushing you that way wasn't right," Orion agreed. "What you said was true. You need to be able to remember. It matters not just to you but all you encountered along your way, not just Ukyo. You learned important lessons, but so did they, and we were taking that away from some of them by allowing them to forget."
"So it would have reset like Kent thought?"
"To some degree, yes," Orion said. "Nhil can't bring anyone back from the dead, that's why Ukyo's wish was so complicated to grant, but killing others in your place wasn't a part of that, either, and to set it right, some worlds would have to repeat August like it never happened again, just as you experienced."
"They'll be alive, though, right? The other girls or versions of me? I'm not picking a world and condemning them to death, am I?"
"No," Orion assured her. "When you make your choice, especially as it is now a part of a wish that Nhil is granting, it's going to be about more than just putting you back where you came from. It's about putting everything back where it belongs."
"Okay," she agreed, feeling better about this now. "I'm glad. I didn't want anyone else hurt."
"No, and we didn't either," Orion said. "Nhil didn't understand just what would happen when Ukyo traveled to those other worlds. It seemed simple at first. All he had to do was watch you survive, but when the worlds tried to eliminate him, things got complicated and it kept failing. Now we know better, though I don't know that Nhil would ever grant that kind of wish again, even with how great Ukyo's suffering was."
"That's good, I think. Not because I want Nhil to ignore someone whose hurting, but I think... Kent may be right in that... sometimes you have to think of more than one person. It's not just Ukyo's life that changed by his choices or even mine. So many others did, and all that pain and damage because of me... It wasn't right."
Orion sighed. "You're right. Sometimes I think when you want to fix something, you end up making it worse."
"I know I did, here, thinking the way I did. I was pretty selfish, and I didn't think through what I was asking of Kent. I just wanted more time... and to keep my memories, but if that was all—I should have turned around and demanded you stay or something instead of doing this."
Orion smiled at her. "I'm glad you want to share more with me. I will still miss you, and a part of me would like to stay, but I know I can't."
She sighed. "I know. At least this time I should get to remember you. That's better than forgetting and never knowing you at all."
Orion nodded. "Yes. And maybe you're right and you'll sense me if I'm nearby."
"Yeah."
He looked at her. "Does that mean you're ready? You've decided what you want to do?"
She nodded. "Yes. I know what to do now. I've made my decision."
