Clean
"Well, the one place I thought I could really count on has finally let me down," thirteen-year old Freddie announced as he let himself into the Shay's apartment, causing Sam, Carly and Spencer to look up from the game of cards they were playing at the kitchen table.
"What happened?" Carly asked.
"The school just sent out an email," Freddie said. "Next week is take-your-parent to school day!"
"Er, that email was sent out last week," Carly frowned.
"Yes, but I only just got access to my email back," Freddie said. "Because someone changed my password. Again!"
"It's just too easy," Sam chuckled happily.
"Hey, we had take-your-parent to school day back when I was at Ridgeway," Spencer said.
"Oh, did dad go to school with you?" Carly asked.
"Yup!" Spencer nodded. "We had a blast, too. I showed him how to make paper airplanes and how to use the lid of a pudding cup to get every last drop out!"
"Is that why your dad thinks you're a disappointment?" Sam asked.
"No…that's not why," Spencer replied. "That might have something to do with the blender I set on fire at his boss's Christmas party."
"Well, you're coming with me to school next week, right?" Carly asked her older brother. "Since dad's still overseas with the Air Force?"
"Of course, kid, I wouldn't miss it for the world," Spencer grinned. "It will be fun to be back at my old school. I wonder if the toilets still squirt you when you try to flush them…"
"Well I'm glad you'll have a good time," Freddie said bitterly. "Because it's going to be the worst day of my life!"
"How come?" Spencer asked.
"Because he's going to have to bring his nutcase of a mom with him," Sam grinned. "The woman's horrible!"
"Sam, that's not nice," Carly said. "His mom isn't that bad."
"Yes, she is!" Freddie said. "She's embarrassing and loud and overly organized…she's already talking about bringing cleaning supplies with her to sanitize my locker!"
"Remind me to bring my camera," Sam grinned.
"Carly, don't let her bring her camera!" Freddie said loudly.
"Oh that's right, go run to Carly to-"
"Alright, who wants chocolate milk?" Spencer asked, cutting into the argument. "People don't fight when there's chocolate milk around!"
"Good thinking, Spence," Carly said as her brother headed towards the fridge. Then she lowered her voice and turned to Sam. "Speaking of take-your-parent to work day…your mom is going to be there, right?"
"She said she was going to be," Sam whispered back. "Whether she shows up or not…"
"Well if she said she's going to be there, I'm sure she will," Carly said optimistically.
"Yeah, because my mom's so reliable…"
"What are you two whispering about?" Freddie asked.
"None of your business, tech monkey," Sam snapped at once.
"Carly, she called me a-"
"Chocolate milk for all!" Spencer said, handing out glasses quickly.
…..
"So your mom's going to meet you at the school then?" Carly asked a week later as she spread jam onto her bagel in the kitchen.
"Yeah…" Freddie mumbled. "She has to run by the hospital she works at to pick up some face masks. She's going to hand them out to everybody as part of her plan to stop the spread of germs in schools."
"Oh, well that sounds…cool," Carly said lamely.
"It's not!" Freddie said. "My mom's going to humiliate me all day today! I wish she had never seen that email."
"It won't be that bad," Carly told him.
"Thanks, Carly," Freddie said. "I love how supportive you are. Unlike some people."
"Hey, I'm plenty supportive," Sam said, looking up from the plate of bacon she was eating. "I'll support giving you a wedgie every day for the rest of the year."
"She-Demon," Freddie mumbled under his breath.
"Carly will never love you," Sam spat at him. "Or any girl for that matter…"
"Carly, she-"
"Do I have to break out the squirt bottle at eight in the morning?" Carly sighed.
"She started it," Freddie muttered.
"So Sam, is your mom meeting you at school too?" Carly asked.
"Apparently," Sam said. "At least that's what she said last night."
"Well what did she say this morning before you left?"
"She was gone before I woke up," Sam shrugged. "I think she went to go get breakfast with the guy who sells mufflers outside her parole officer's place."
"Oh…" Carly said. "Well, are you excited for her to come to school?"
"I guess," Sam said. "I can show her the stairwell that I set off two stink bombs in last week. She'll probably get a laugh out of that…"
"I knew that was you!" Freddie exclaimed. "Ms. Briggs tried to blame me for it!"
"I know, that's because I stole your math notebook and left it there to frame you," Sam said simply.
"You what?"
"Oh, and I can show her that cool diorama I made in history class," Sam said, ignoring Freddie's comment. "I used ketchup for the blood on the battlefields. And I can introduce her to my detention crew; they all want to meet her after all the stories I've told them."
"That sounds…fun," Carly said.
"Alright, you guys ready to go to school?" Spencer asked, coming out of his bedroom wearing jeans and a t-shirt that were clearly too tight for him.
"What are you wearing?" Carly frowned.
"Oh, see, I thought since I'm going back to my old junior high, it'd be fun for me to wear my old junior high clothes!" Spencer said.
"But they're like, five sizes too small for you," Freddie pointed out.
"So I grew a little bit," Spencer shrugged.
"Spence, I love you and all, but if you come into my school like that, I'm gonna have to pretend I don't know you," Carly said. "Can you please go put on a shirt that covers your stomach at least?"
"Fine," Spencer conceded. "But only because my bellybutton is getting cold…"
….
"Anybody who has not yet been sprayed for ticks, please come over here!" Marissa Benson yelled loudly as she stood by Freddie's locker that morning at school. "I have plenty of tick spray to go around for all of my little Freddie's friends!"
"Mom, is this really necessary?" Freddie moaned as he covered his face with his hands.
"Freddie, schools are the hundredth and nineteenth most common place to find ticks," Marissa said firmly. "We can't take any chances. Tick spray! Tick spray right here!"
"What have I done to deserve this?" Freddie said to himself.
"Wow…your mom's even lamer out in public than she is back at the apartment," Sam commented, coming over to Freddie.
"No kidding," Freddie said, rolling his eyes. "Man, this could not be any worse. It's like she lives to torture me."
"No, that would be me," Sam said, her eyes sparkling. "Because with all this she's handing me, I'm going to have enough fresh mocking material to last the rest of the year."
"Very funny," Freddie snapped. "Where's your mom anyway?"
Suddenly the smile slid off of Sam's face and she looked down at her feet. "She um, I-I don't think she's going to make it."
"What do you mean? Every other parent is here," Freddie said.
"Well my mom isn't, okay?" Sam snapped. "She got in trouble with the manager at the Quick Stop for trying to drink right out of the mustard dispenser and now she's dealing with that."
"She was trying to drink mustard?"
"Shut it, Benson!" Sam snapped.
She shook her head. "It's not like I'm surprised anyway…I figured she wasn't gonna show. In fact, I'm glad she didn't. What do I want my mom at school for?"
"I thought you were gonna show her all the pranks you've pulled around here," Freddie said.
"Eh, she wouldn't have cared anyway," Sam mumbled.
Freddie noticed that Sam actually seemed upset, which was an emotion he was not used to seeing on her. He was more accustomed to her usual looks of aggression or hunger.
"Well, um, at least you mom isn't here to embarrass you in front of the entire school," Freddie said in a lame attempt to cheer her up. "Like mine is. So…it-it could be worse, couldn't it?"
"Yeah, well, even though your mom's insane and weird…at least she cared enough to show up," Sam mumbled.
Freddie didn't know how to respond. He almost wished Sam would reach over and give him a wedgie just to regain a feeling of familiarity between the two of them. Because right now he actually felt bad for the girl who normally made his life a living nightmare.
"So, um, listen, since everybody else is gonna be busy with their parents all day, I think I'm gonna ditch," Sam said, clearing her throat. "Do me a favor and be un-lame for once in your life and just tell Carly I wasn't feeling good or something."
"Um, okay," Freddie nodded.
"Thanks," Sam said, giving him a small smile. Then she punched him hard in the shoulder. "Well, I'll see you later then…have fun with your nutbag mom, Frednerd."
And with that Sam turned and headed out the door, leaving Freddie with his mother, who was busy lecturing a pack of seventh-graders on the horrors of open-toed shoes.
It was probably going to be weeks before he lived down the humiliation his mom caused today, but as Freddie watched Sam head out the door, looking more disappointed than he had ever seen, he realized that he could have it worse.
