"DIE SAILOR SENSHI!" the daimon they had been battling in the luxurious hotel lobby shouted in a thick German accent after discovering their hiding spot behind one of the few sofas that she hadn't yet destroyed. Her powerful body—robust enough to put any bodybuilder to shame—was squeezed into an uber-short dirndl dress that was barely able to contain her impressive physique. Gigantic leg muscles bulged as she stomped her high-heeled cleats on the marble floor, shattering tiles with every menacing step she took.
Sailor Moon screamed, but stopped when Sailor Mercury placed a hand on her shoulder.
"Don't worry, Sailor Moon. In German, die means 'the'," she explained patiently. "So U-Mlaut really only said, 'The sailor senshi!'"
"Ooooh," Sailor Moon said, nodding her head in understanding.
"NEIN, YOU ARE WRONG!" U-Mlaut said, pointing her finger at Mercury. "I MEANT THAT YOU SHOULD DIE!"
"That joke doesn't even make sense!" Mars protested. "The words don't sound alike! It only works written down!"
Mercury shrugged. "Good thing it is written down, then."
"U-Mlaut!" Mimete called from behind the relative safety of the receptionist's desk. "Get them!"
"JAWOHL, FRAU MIMETE!"
"Let's see how you do with some hand-to-hand combat!" Jupiter said, cracking her knuckles and rushing toward U-Mlaut fist first. But the daimon immediately blew on the giant whistle hanging around her neck, freezing Jupiter in place.
"OFFSIDE!" U-Mlaut shouted, pulling out a soccer ball as Jupiter desperately tried to free herself. "EINE FREE KICK TO ME!"
"Halt!" a voice called. Everyone turned to find Tuxedo Kamen leaning against the banister at the top of the grand staircase.
"Tuxedo Kamen-sama!" Sailor Moon said, clapping her hands excitedly.
"Germans are a disciplined and orderly people who are a shining beacon of hope to rule-abiding citizens around the world," he said, walking down the staircase toward the daimon. "To mock them mocks the dreams of harmonious peoples. Like Martin Luther at Wittenberg, I, too have Ninety-five Theses on your depraved indulgences!"
"WHAT IS HE SAYING?" U-Mlaut asked. "I DON'T UNDERSTAND."
"Neither do we," Mars muttered.
Tuxedo Kamen continued, undeterred. "Daimon, my justice will nail you to the church door! You will not be forgiven!"
He reached into his cape and then quickly thrust his hand forward, causing U-Mlaut's powerful legs to be wrapped in a thick, woody vine with sets of three green leaves running along its length.
U-Mlaut merely laughed. She flexed her enormous thighs, straining against the vine until it gave way and exploded off of her.
"Oh, great work, Tuxie!" Sailor Mars said as she kicked a segment of vine that landed near her. "Really bang-up job on these stupid, useless vines!"
"Useless? Hardly," he said. "That's poison ivy! This time tomorrow, her legs will be covered in terrible rashes!"
"Tomorrow?!" Mars said. "What good will that do?! We're going to kill her before then!"
A loud sniffling stopped their bickering.
"THAT'S NOT NICE!" U-Mlaut said as tears welled in her eyes. "I LOOK TOUGH BUT I HAVE FEELINGS TOO!"
"You poor thing," Sailor Moon said, going over to pat U-Mlaut on the back as she dissolved into tears.
"Stop comforting her!" Mars screamed. "She's been trying to kill us for the last 20 minutes!"
"Oh yeah . . ."
"Now, Sailor Moon!" Tuxedo Kamen called. "Relegate this hooligan!"
"Right!" she said, nodding at him. Pulling out her Spiral Heart Moon Rod, she thrust it high into the air. "Rainbow Moon Heart Ache!"
Soon, U-Mlaut was silhouetted in black. A rainbow briefly flashed, then an enormous heart sent her hurtling backward.
"VERLOREN!" she cried out as she fell. On the ground where she would have landed lay a Pure Heart Crystal and German newspaper, its front page dedicated to the latest World Cup results. A daimon pod squeezed out of the newspaper, then shattered.
"Nice job, Sailor Moon!" Tuxedo Kamen said as Sailor Jupiter gently picked up the Pure Heart Crystal and carried it over to the German politician who was Mimete's latest target.
"Frangela Merkel?" Jupiter asked her after her crystal was reabsorbed. "Are you feeling alright?"
"Ach, yes, thank you," she said, standing up and smoothing out the wrinkles in her pantsuit. She frowned when she caught sight of the time on her watch. "But you could stand to work on your efficiency. Now if you will excuse me, I'm 12 minutes late for a conference."
"Oh . . . OK . . ."
"And," she said, looking around the half-destroyed lobby, "don't forget to separate the recyclable debris. No need to be sloppy with clean-up efforts."
Mercury nodded. "Of course! We are Japanese, after all."
"Seriously," Venus added. "It's not like we're Americans."
Frangela Merkel gave a curt nod, then picked her way through the rubble and climbed through one of the blasted-out windows.
"Uh, shouldn't she have a security detail or something?" Venus asked. The other senshi just shrugged.
"Hey Boy Blunder!" Mars shouted, getting Tuxedo Kamen's attention. "I thought it would be obvious, but we need immediate results in battle, not some next-day rash!"
He cleared his throat. "That reminds me . . . you kicked some of the poison ivy, didn't you?"
Mars narrowed her eyes as she heard Mercury whisper a soft "Oh no" beside her. "Yes . . . why?"
"You should probably wash your foot. Like, as soon as possible. And maybe, uh, burn the rest of the poison ivy."
"Excuse me?!" she shrilly yelled.
"I guess that's my cue!" he said, holding his cape out. "Farewell, sailor senshi!"
"Bye, Tuxedo Kamen-sama!" Sailor Moon yelled over Mars's scream as he swept out of the lobby and into the night.
This chapter is dedicated to FloraOne, for obvious reasons. ;)
Two chapters left! Unfortunately, I might not be posting them on time. I thought I had a free and open weekend to sit and knock the last 2 chapters out but I was wRoNg. Nevertheless, they will get written sooner rather than later, I promise.
Thanks to Antigone2 and to FloraOne for helping me out with this chapter. And thanks also to my husband, a huge soccer fan, who grew increasingly frustrated with every single question I asked him about soccer as it became clear just how little I know about the game. ^^;
