Special
"Sam, I am telling you, you've never been more wrong about anything in your whole life!" Freddie exclaimed loudly as Carly walked into her apartment, where Sam and Freddie were currently having a very heated dispute.
"You're the wrong one, dipthong!" Sam snapped.
"Oh no…" Carly sighed as she hung up her purse and jacket. "Just what I wanted to come home to."
"I can show you facts and statistics," Freddie said. "Real empirical evidence that proves you are wrong!"
"No you can't!" Sam said. "But I can give you a wedgie so painful you'll see how right I am real quick."
"Huh…do I want to get involved?" Carly said thoughtfully to herself as she watched her two best friends, who had yet to acknowledge her existence.
"Sam ask anybody," Freddie said. "Apples are the better fruit! They're less messy, more satisfying-"
"Oranges are way better than apples!" Sam retorted. "People love oranges so much that people came up with orange juice because they couldn't get enough!"
"Ever heard of apple juice?"
"Yeah, and it's man-kind's biggest mistake!"
"Hold on, hold on," Carly said loudly, finally getting Sam and Freddie's attentions. "Am I hearing this right? Are you two actually having an argument comparing apples and oranges?"
"Well Fredbutt's so wrong!" Sam scoffed. "Apples are better than oranges…in what universe nub?"
"All universes!"
"Okay, have you two actually lost your minds?" Carly exclaimed. "Have you actually run out of things to argue about? Not only is this argument pointless, you're supposed to be a couple! Couples don't behave like this!"
"Well am I supposed to just let her go around being so wrong about things like this?" Freddie frowned. "I'm trying to help her."
"Yeah, it's embarrassing to go around with a boyfriend who actually thinks apples are better than oranges!" Sam nodded.
"You-You two are insane!" Carly exclaimed. "I come home after a long day of helping Gibby sort his pants, and this is what I have to deal with? You know what? Fine! Keep having your argument! I'm going to go take a bubble bath!"
"Look, Sam…apples are America's fruit," Freddie said as Carly stormed upstairs. "Think about apple pie! That's America's pie. To say that another fruit is better than an apple is just unpatriotic."
"But oranges have all sorts of health benefits!" Sam pointed out. "They help you when you have a cold, and they prevent scurvy!"
"Oh you don't even know what scurvy is," Freddie scoffed.
"It's a vitamin C deficiency that leaves the inflicted person unable to synthesis collagen!" Sam snapped. "And since the human body is unable to produce vitamin C on its own, it relies on outside sources to get it. Outside sources like oranges!"
"W-Wow, that's-that's actually right," Freddie said, shocked as Sam's scientific speech. He shook his head. "But regardless, apples are still better!"
"Oranges!"
"Apples!"
"Oranges!"
"Apples!"
"Okay, there's only one way to settle this," Sam said, stepping over to the kitchen, where a fruit bowl sat on the counter. She picked up an apple and an orange. "We'll put these fruits through a series of tests, and whichever one comes out on top is the better fruit."
"Huh…okay, I guess that sounds fair," Freddie said slowly. "But what sort of tests did you have in mind?"
Sam grinned as she took his hand. "You'll see…"
….
"Test number one!" Sam said loudly as the couple stood out in the parking lot. "Taste!"
"What?" Freddie frowned. "Why are we down in the parking lot if we're just going to taste the fruits? We could've done that inside! Besides, we both know we're just going to choose our own fruits."
"We're not tasting the fruits," Sam smiled. "You know that deranged armadillo that likes to hang around out here behind the dumpster? Hank?"
"You named the armadillo?"
"Do you know what I'm talking about or not?"
"Yes," Freddie sighed. "I know Hank."
"Well, we'll set the orange and disgusting apple down in front of Hank and we'll see which one he goes to," Sam explained.
"That's dangerous, though!" Freddie said. "What if he bites us? He could have rabies!"
"Are you scared?" Sam smirked.
"No, I just-Fine!" Freddie groaned. "My mom takes me once a month to get rabies vaccinations anyway."
The two headed out behind the dumpster.
"He's not even here," Freddie said, looking around.
"Sure he is," Sam said. She kicked the dumpster, making a loud racket. "Hank! Hank come out! I have food!"
Sure enough a large armadillo scurried out from underneath the dumpster.
"My girlfriend…the armadillo whisperer," Freddie couldn't help but chuckle.
"Alright," Sam said, setting the apple and the orange a few feet away from the creature. "There you go Hank. Take whichever fruit you want."
She turned back to Freddie. "Well, prepare to eat your words, Fredgut. When you see Hank pick the orange over the apple, you'll see that-"
"Ha!" Freddie cried, pointing down at the armadillo. "He's eating the apple! Hank choose the apple!"
"What?" Sam exclaimed, spinning around and glaring down at Hank, who was, in fact, nibbling on the apple. "Hank! See if I leave chicken scraps for you anymore."
"I win! Apples are better than oranges!" Freddie cheered. "In your face, baby!"
"Not so fast, that was just one test," Sam said, rolling her eyes. "We've got plenty more to go."
…..
"Okay, this is the tie-breaker," Freddie said five hours later as he counted up the tallies on the whiteboard in the iCarly studio. "Right now we have ten wins for apples, ten for oranges. Whichever wins this next test is the better fruit."
"You should just give it up," Sam said. "Oranges have won in the juggling test, the bouncing test, and the Miley Cyrus look-alike test. They're clearly superior."
"Well apples have one in the bowling test, the golfing test, and the sandcastle accessory test," Freddie shot back. "Which are indicative that it's the better fruit!"
"You won't be saying that after this last test," Sam said, stepping over to the studio window and opening it up. "The 'ability to survive an eight-story drop' test."
"So all we do is drop the fruit out the window, right?" Freddie asked, picking up his apple.
"Uh-huh," Sam nodded. "And whichever one has the least amount of damage to it wins it all. You ready?"
"Oh yeah," Freddie said as they each stuck their fruits, still firmly grasped in their hands, out the window. "I'm ready."
"Wanna count it down?" Sam grinned.
"Aw, you really do love me," Freddie smiled. He cleared his throat. "In five, four, three, two…"
Sam and Freddie each dropped their fruits, and then craned their necks out the window to see where they landed.
A few short seconds after they were dropped, the fruits landed onto the concrete sidewalk below, both splattering beyond recognition.
"Um…so which one is less destroyed?" Freddie frowned.
"I don't know," Sam said. "I can't tell. They're both pretty messed up now."
"Neither of them really survived that drop," Freddie said. "And that was the point of the test. So I guess…I guess it's a tie?"
"But that means no one wins!" Sam said. "We didn't figure out which was better; apples or oranges; that was our last test!"
"Well…that's an afternoon we're never getting back," Freddie sighed.
The two were silent for a moment.
"Oh well," Sam shrugged, looking up at Freddie. "Wanna go make out now?"
"Definitely," Freddie nodded, grinning.
