Chapter Two
References in this chapter:
-Girl Interrupted (1998)
-50 Shades of Grey (2014)
-David Cross's CD "It's Not Funny"
-Arrested Development (the TV show, not the rap group)
-She's the Man (2006)
-Altered States (1980)
-Zoey 101 episode "Spring Fling"
-Victorious episode "Freak the Freak Out"
After a few hours in isolation, Dr. Dumas presumes Amanda has "cooled off" and sends two staff members to retrieve her from the rubber room. When the two open the door to pull her out of the chamber, Amanda keeps saying, "5 minutes everyone, 5 minutes." The employees have no idea what the fuck she's talking about (as they've never seen "All That"), so they relock the door and go to inform Dr. Dumas of her request.
The clueless psychiatrist thinks this means that the therapy is working (as he's never seen "All That" either, his loss). "She only needs 5 more minutes to collect her thoughts? That means the psychotropics must be working." After the 5 minutes are up, the two orderlies grab her from the isolation chamber and move her despite her continued protests. She begins to finally calm down as they near Dr. Dumas's office. They enter the office that the waiting shrink is in, plop Amanda in a chair opposite the psychiatrist's desk, walk out, and wait on the other side of the door. They have been trained to stay nearby in case of an emergency.
Dr. Dumas begins by first subtly greeting Amanda specifically by her name to make sure she is not in one of her "altered" states. She responds positively, so the shrink offers her a cup of coffee and goes ahead with the meat of the matter.
Dr. Dumas's bright idea is to show Amanda glossy headshots of people she had worked with throughout her aborted acting career in an attempt to bring her back to reality and make her realize how wonderful life was back then. These people (unbeknownst to the psychiatrist) were all previous lovers of Amanda. She sips the coffee throughout.
He begins to explain to her what he is about to do, "now, Amanda, we need to test your memory; how far it goes back, how accurate it is, etc. [Note from the editor: yes, he really did say "etc."] I'm going to show you pictures of people, and I need you to tell me if you remember any of these people, and maybe a brief description, if you feel comfortable."
Amanda responds weakly, due to the medication, a simple, "okay."
The psychiatrist pulls up the first facedown headshot from his sturdy desk; it is a photo of Drake Bell. "Right, now do you remember this fellow?" He taps his index finger on the edge of the photo to draw her split attention to it.
Amanda instantly knows and responds, gaining some strength, "Oh yes, that's Drake Bell. I knew him. He was a big musician; he headlined Pacific Coast Academy's Spring Fling 2004. I worked with him on my show starting in… 1999? He was my first honest to goodness boyfriend. He still likes me a lot… I believe."
The psychiatrist nods sympathetically and readies another card, "good, I have another…" He lifts the next card. It is a photo of David Cross (or rather one of the funny headshots of him as Tobias Funke from Arrested Development).
Amanda responds, gaining more strength and steadiness to her voice and even a halfway smile, "okay yeah, that's David Cross. We were in "She's the Man" together. We were lovers, actually. Very briefly. He thought the age of consent should be lowered to 15. I kind of agree with him." She smiles almost all the way now at the ridiculous notion and lets out a slight laugh.
The psychiatrist is disgusted, thinking 'it's not funny…' but tries to hide his revulsion from Amanda, saying, "Interesting, I'll note that. Now I have one more…"
He lifts the 3rd card which shows Dan Schneider's smiling face. She immediately starts to freak the freak out; jumping up and pushing everything off of the psychiatrist's desk, throwing her coffee at (and missing) the shrink, tearing apart the furniture, grabbing the shrink's framed diplomas off his wall and smashing them on his desk, all the while screaming, "NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO!"
The shrink cowers behind his desk, avoiding the projectiles. He calls out to the men on other side of the door, "GUARD!"
"NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NOOOOOOOOOOOO!"
The staff runs in and tazes her into submission. She collapses and is now a writhing, shivering, shattered mess on the floor. They strap her onto a gurney, a la "Girl Interrupted" and wheel her into the red room of pain. As her brain is being electrocuted, Dr. Dumas yells over her convulsing body, as if performing an exorcism, "MARIJUANA HAS RUINED YOUR LIFE! MARIJUANA HAS RUINED YOUR LIFE!" After she is nearly dead, he motions for them to stop. He begins to postulate some asinine theory. "Okay, she must be cured by now… But it makes no sense. Schneider was the one who 'made' her essentially, she should have been happy to see his picture. Oh well, we'll have to run more tests. Take her away."
The orderlies wheel her back into her cell, wrap her limp body up in a straight jacket, and lock her inside.
