WX-78 sat up straight and winced. This bodies abs were not quite as powerful as his used to be. He looked about the camp, nearly doing his neck in trying to turn it at all the way around. Human bodies were so limited, he thought, why would anyone want one? He caught sight of Willow, still laying in her Phoenix nest. Beside her sat an enormous man. Even crouched, he looked so tall. Wex immediately slowed his movements, watching the giant man. This new being had a pencil thin mustache atop a pencil-thin mouth. However, his chin was massive, looking to be as big as Willow's forehead.
He wore a strange one piece, like a striped swimsuit that hugged his powerful body. Atop his head rested hair so thin and oily it appeared to be a toupee. Wex was having a hard time figuring out how this man was here, given the blistering cold. He reasoned that the extra size might be because of blubber, keeping him insulated against the elements.
"ARE YOU FRIEND OR FOE?"
The huge man fell over backward in shock, sending up a bit of snow into the air, before scrambling to get upright.
"God, is this how puny man sound? No wonder witch girl always know it me..." He said, staring at WX-78 with his hazel eyes. He stuck out his hand to Wex, "is Wolfgang! Wolfgang think... Wolfgang been living in you?"
Wex said nothing, and did not take Wolfgang's hand, instead fixing him with unblinking eye contact. Wolfgang's arm wilted away as he realised the shake wasn't coming. He looked around the clearing, trying to avoid the dispassionate gaze. He rocked back and forth on his heel.
"So... Is you coming around here... Often?" Wolfgang tried.
"ARE YOU FRIEND OR FOE?"
"What is 'FOE'?" Wolfgang asked, "is like bread stuff?"
"ARE YOU FRIEND OR THREAT?"
"Wolfgang know that word!" Wolfgang ran up to Wex's sitting form and thrust his fist into Wex's face. Before the blow could connect, Wolfgang stopped, bringing his fist inches from WX-78's face. Wex did not move, and stared at Wolfgang, "Is threat! Like that!"
Wolfgang chuckled, his booming laugh echoing throughout the forest and causing snow to shake itself from the trees. Again, Wex's emotionless demeanor dissolved Wolfgang's good cheer and returned the awkward silence.
"Is... Is you mad at Wolfgang?"
Wex was about to say something when they both heard a loud crunch and a groan from behind them. Wolfgang turned to see Willow struggling to her feet.
"Urgh..." She groaned, rubbing the soot from her eyes.
Wolfgang stooped down to offer a hand, "Witch girl! Is you okay?"
At this point, Wex finally stood, levelling his arm to point at Wolfgang, "GET AWAY FROM THE GIRL, OR I WILL OPEN FIRE."
Wolfgang looked at Wex's thin outstretched arm, then back to his face, "Is not much of gun show, is it?"
"Wex? Wolf...gang? How're you both..." Willow trailed off as the soot fell from her eyes and she got a good look at the scene before her. She turned to look at the enormous human towering beside her and leapt out of the way, "Who the fuck're you?"
"Is me witch girl! Wolfgang!" Wolfgang flexed, his muscles bulging beneath his enormous chin. He smiled, "ah, is good to have Wolfgang body back."
Willow turned to WX-78, "Wex, what the hell're you doin?"
Wex did not move his eyes from Wolfgang, his arm held steady and pointing at Wolfgang's face, "AN UNKNOWN ENTITY HAS ENTERED CAMP SHITBUG. I AM TO MEET IT WITH APPROPRIATE FORCE SHOULD IT ATTACK."
"Wolfgang told you who Wolfgang is! Is Wolfgang!" Wolfgang said, his arms out wide. He seemed to take up the whole camp with his arms alone, "come, give Wolfgang a hug! Wolfgang will not hurt you!"
Wex turned to Willow, "WHAT IS A 'HUG'?"
Willow rubbed her palms over her face and sat down, "oh my god you emotionally stunted- it's a good thing, okay? Stand down or whatever it is you need to do. He's not gonna hurt you."
Wex lowered his arm back to his side. Wolfgang, seeing his opportunity, leaped forward and wrapped Wex up in a powerful bear hug.
"HAHAHAHAH!" His laughter boomed throughout the camp once more, causing birds to flutter out of their trees, "See puny man, is not so bad!"
"OW OW OW OW OW."
"Alright Wolfgang, that's enough, put 'im down," Willow said, stumbling over and tending to the fire.
Wex dropped with a loud 'Fwump' as he hit the ground, "WOLFGANG THREAT LEVEL: INCONCLUSIVE."
"Oh don't be so dramatic," Willow said, pulling her clothes back on. She turned to look at Wolfgang, "y'know, I kinda thought all that muscle talk was fer show."
Wolfgang chuckled and sat down next to Willow, the firelight dancing off his enormous neck muscles, "Wolfgang is real deal! How else Wolfgang going to wrestle bear?"
"Speakin' of muscles, y'remember our bet?"
"Like is yesterday. Though Wolfgang not had much chance to go find bird."
"All I'm hearin' is excuses mate."
"Wolfgang not make excuses! Is legitimate grievance!"
"Legitima whatnow?" Willow says, raising an eyebrow, "the hell kinda words are those?"
"Is something picked up back in home country."
"LEGITIMATE: BEING EXACTLY AS PURPOSED. GRIEVANCE: A REAL OR IMAGINED CAUSE FOR COMPLAINT, ESPECIALLY UNFAIR TREATMENT. LEGITIMATE GRIEVANCE: A CAUSE FOR COMPLAINT EXACTLY AS PURPOSED."
Willow and Wolfgang looked at each other.
"Is puny one always like this?"
"Nah, this is Wex, you'll meet Willy soon. Wex is always like this though."
"AFFIRMATIVE."
"Ah. Is good to properly meet Wex! Come, shake Wolfgang's hand!" Wolfgang thrust his arm forward once more, presenting both it and a wide smile.
Wex looked over at Willow, who nodded, before reaching his hand out. His tiny palm was a third the size of Wolfgang's and was immediately covered as Wolfgang clamped down.
"HAHAHAHAHAH!" Wolfgang said, shaking the smaller person's whole body through his arm. Poor Wex juddered where he stood, his normally blank face grimacing in displeasure.
When Wolfgang finally let him go, Wex's hand flopped by his side. Reaching up with his left arm, he slammed his palm into his shoulder. There was a loud click, and his dislocated shoulder popped back into place. Willow winced.
"Jesus Wolf, how hard'd ya shake him?"
"AHAHAH! Don't worry witch-girl, is normal! Wolfgang hands always have kick to them! Is why they called guns!" he extended an arm to Willow, "Want go?"
Willow shook her head, "I'll pass. I like my shoulders where they are, thank ya very much."
Wex took a seat on the other side of the fire, as far away from Wolfgang as he could be, and eyed him up the entire night. Willow got to work cooking, carving out three slabs of beefalo meat and hurling them onto the "grill". They cooked quickly, despite the cold, and she gave a slab each to the other two.
"Is witch girl not eating?"
"Nah, I like mine a little blacker," Willow said, her eyes moving over the burning meat like the skin of a lover.
Wolfgang shrugged and proceeded to chew down the entire steak in about three bites. Willow's gaze was yanked away by the spectacle that was his jaw. It powderized the meat in seconds, the toughness of it's hide being no match for Wolfgang's hunger.
"Is any seconds?" Wolfgang asked, patting the abs where a belly should've been.
"Uh, yeah, hang on."
Once again, Willow grilled up some meat, and once again, Wolfgang tore through it like he was starving. Her own food was ready by the time Wolfgang had finished both helpings.
"Jesus mate, slow down! Y'll give yourself a stomach ache or somethin'," Willow said, nibbling off a bit of the burnt steak.
"Bah, puny food cannot defeat Wolfgang stomach. All of Wolfgang is strong," Wolfgang nodded, "Can have some more?"
"No way mate. If ya keep eatin' like that, we'll be out of food in a day!"
"Wouldn't it be better to starve to death?" a voice piped in.
"Wendy," Willow said, not even turning around, "What d'you want?"
"To see my sister."
"Yer..." Willow turned around now, to see the body of Wilson hunched forward, his legs pulled up to his chin with his arms wrapped around them, "Y've got a sister?"
"Uh, who is you?"
Wendy looked up, her eyes going wide, "It's a strong-man..."
"A what? Hang on, answer my-"
"Why yes! Wolfgang is strongest man!"
Wolfgang stood up, particles of steak showering onto the fire. He began to pose, flexing himself in all directions. Wendy watched on in silent wonder, her mouth and eyes wide. Wolfgang smiled beneath his pencil-thin mustache, as he gave Hoo's, Hrgh's, and Hah's. When he was finally done, he took a deep bow, and Wendy clapped accordingly.
Wolfgang sat back down and leaned over to Willow, "Wex is much nicer now! Is not him when he's hungry huh?"
"No- I mean- Look, that's Wendy. You used to live in there, and so do a few others. Wex and Wendy are some'a them."
"AH-HA! Is young maiden!" Wolfgang turned himself towards Wendy, and extended a hand over the fire, "Is pleasure to meet Wendy!"
"And you, oh strong-man," Wendy said, her eyes full of such childish wonder that Willow felt her heart soften, "How do your muscles grow so large?"
"Is many years of hard work on Babushka's farm! Wolfgang is largest of Amadeus family, but great-papa used be even bigger!"
"Even bigger?" Wendy mouthed, barely above a whisper.
"Is right!" Wolfgang beamed, delighting in the chance to talk about his family, "Old mountain, we used call him! Wolfgang seen pictures, and he live to that name."
"Could he lift mountains?"
Wolfgang rubbed his chin in thought, "He never mention it, but Wolfgang sure he could've. Great papa never backed down from challenge."
"Woah… And can you?" Wendy asked, "Lift mountains, I mean?"
"HAHAHAHAHAHA!" Wolfgang's thunderous laugh boomed outwards, causing Wendy to have to brace herself on her log, "Wolfgang not yet that strong, but one day! Wolfgang still has long life ahead."
"Not if ya eat all've our food ya won't," Willow said, smiling over the fire.
"HAH! Wolfgang will just hunt more! And find that bird, so that settle our bet," Wolfgang nodded towards Wendy, "Witch-girl is believe Wolfgang cannot fight bird!"
"Can you?" Wendy asked.
"Of course Wolfgang can! Wolfgang is strong-man! No puny bird is match for guns!" Wolfgang said, curling a massive bicep up against his head. Wendy clapped excitedly as he did, nearly falling backward in the process.
Willow rolled her eyes, which the other couldn't see due to her lack of pupils, "Alright 'Strong-man', y'can hop to it."
Willow gestured in various directions, "Out that way, y'should find more of those big things, beefalo we call em. That ways got a few berry bushes and stuff, but I dunno if they've grown in the cold. Don't go too far that way, or y'll hit the pig village. Also, definitely don't go that way, it's nothin' but bad and cold."
"Is witch girl not coming?"
"Nah," Willow said, standing up, turning her back to Wolfgang and pulling her shirt up, "One of those fuckin' monsters got me, so imma rest."
Wolfgang covered his mouth looking at the deep slash in her back, "Is monsters?"
"Yeah, huge birds, the size a' houses. They're fast too, I'd avoid em altogether," Willow said, rolling her shirt back down.
Wolfgang's already pale face went even whiter, "They not come out of that way?"
"The only time I've ever seen one was when it was protectin' it's kid, I don't think they come out this far," Willow gave Wolfgang a side-eye, "Y're not… scared, are you?"
"Bah! Wolfgang, scared? Wolfgang is strong! Wolfgang not scared!"
"Yeah, 'witch girl', Uncle Wolfgang isn't scared of anything!" Wendy piped up, placing her hands on her hips.
"I think Willy said we're all brother and sisters or somethin'," Willow said, scratching her head.
"Wendy is Wolfgang little sister?" Wolfgang said, brightening up.
"Big brother Wolfgang," Wendy murmered, her eyes growing wider. She dashed around the fire and wrapped her tiny arms around Wolfgang's stomach.
"Woah-ho! Is settled then! Little Wendy is family!" Wolfgang chuckled, wrapping her up in a hug. He turned his head, "Come! You part of family too Witch girl!"
Willow stood up, but before she could even walk over, Wolfgang's giant arm reached over and pulled her in. There was a beat, the three of them basking in each other. The trio against the world.
