Lip
"Sam, please don't make me do this," Freddie moaned.
"Dude, calm down, you're acting like this is some big, horrible thing," Sam said, rolling her eyes as she ran a brush through her hair in the couple's bedroom.
"It is a big, horrible thing!"
"We're just going to my cousin Chaz's birthday party," Sam said. "You'll have cake…how awful."
"Every time I show up at one of your family gatherings, your family…they pick on me!" Freddie said. "They call me names and threaten me and slip hot sauce into my iced tea…"
"Hot sauce into your iced tea?" Sam repeated. "Huh…I'll have to remember that one."
"Sam!"
"Okay, look, I get that in the past, maybe my family has been a little…aggressive towards you," Sam said. "But now you're not just some punk boyfriend I'm dating. You're my fiancé."
She held up her hand with the sparkling engagement ring Freddie had used to propose to her two weeks ago. "Now you're in! They'll think of you as one of them and they'll treat you like one of the family."
"I saw two of your cousins have a fist fight over who got the last deviled egg at your Aunt's retirement party," Freddie pointed out. "I think me being treated like family will be just as painful!"
"Baby, come on, it-it means a lot to me that you get to know my family," Sam said. "These are the people who have been there, or, well, tried to be there for me my whole life! It would suck if the man I loved and am going to married didn't even like them enough to spend one afternoon with them."
Freddie sighed. "Okay, you're right. I guess I should get used to spending more time with your family now that we're engaged."
"Thank you, Fredwad," Sam smiled, sitting down next to him on their bed and kissing him.
"You're welcome," Freddie grinned when they pulled away. "And hey, maybe it would be a good idea for you to start spending some more time with my family. My mom and her sister are going to lunch together next week, I can call and ask if you can tag along with them and-"
"Yeah, let's take it one step at a time," Sam said quickly.
….
"-And so I'm standing there, my hand still stuck in the pie, my foot all tangled in the firemen's hose, and Whaoo Punch dribbling all down my face," Sam's cousin Chaz said excitedly later that afternoon at his party. "And I've still got my sandwich left. Now the police are all surrounding me, and it looks like I'm done for, but that's when I remember the Smucker Maneuver. Got out of there scott free and I still got to finish my sandwich."
"Nice!" Sam applauded as her and the rest of the listening Pucketts cheered.
"What's the Smucker Maneuver?" Freddie asked, confused.
The cheers instantly stopped and everybody turned to glare at him.
"How can you not know what the Smucker move is?" one of Sam's other cousins who was sitting next to him scoffed, swatting his shoulder. "Sam, is he for real?"
"Um, I-I'll explain it to you later," Sam said quickly to him.
"That escape story's nothing, kid," Uncle Carmine said loudly. "I'll tell you a real tale. So I'm at this pickle factory, right, and suddenly I hear sirens all around me-"
"I guess you were really in a pickle then, huh?" Freddie chuckled.
Uncle Carmine narrowed his eyes. "You think this is funny?"
"What? No!" Freddie said quickly. "I-I don't think your situation was a funny, I was just making a joke about the fact that you were-"
"Oh, so you've got jokes now?" Carmine frowned. "You hear that everybody? The doof thinks he's a comedian!"
"I-I wouldn't say comedian," Freddie said lamely and everybody else except for Sam sneered.
"Let me tell you something," Carmine said firmly. "I don't appreciate jokes about my great pickle escape! Are we clear?"
"C-Crystal," Freddie nodded at once.
"Dude, come on, you're supposed to be playing it cool here," Sam whispered to her fiancé.
"I am being cool!"
"Oh…baby," Sam sighed, shaking her head. "You're not. Alright, I'm gonna run to the bathroom. Just-Just don't make anymore dumb jokes, okay?"
"Okay," Freddie conceded.
"That's a real ugly shirt you've got on there, Benson," Sam's Aunt Maggie commented, taking a long drag of her cigarette.
"Er, thank you," Freddie said awkwardly.
"How could Sam go for someone who has such hideous clothes?" another cousin chuckled.
"How could she go for someone like him at all?" Chaz grinned.
Freddie looked down at his lap. This was the part he hated most of all; the part where Sam's family laughed about how they thought he wasn't good enough for Sam. He knew it was just because they were protective of her, but it didn't help how horrible it always made him feel. Normally Sam's mom would at least attempt to get the others to knock it off with their jeers before she'd turn her attention back to any food within a ten-yard radius of her, but seeing as Pam was currently in Massachusetts with yet another one of her boyfriends, he was completely on his own right now.
"And look at the frilly way he's crossing his legs!" laughed Uncle Carmine. "No man sits that way!"
Freddie quickly uncrossed his legs, his face reddening with embarrassment.
"Man, what was Sammy thinking with this weirdo?" another cousin laughed.
"Who knows," one of her other uncles chortled. "Who knows…"
…..
"Hey, there you are," Sam said an hour later, stepping over to Freddie, who was standing by the refreshments table. "I just finished up one of the best arm-wrestling tournaments of my life! I won, but just barely. God, that's why I love hanging out with my family; they're actually worthy opponents for me!"
"Nice," Freddie said, managing a small smile.
"You alright?" Sam asked concerned.
"Yeah, I'm fine," Freddie nodded quickly.
Sam gave him a knowing look. "You know they just pick on you because, well, that's what they do, right?"
"I just…I wish they wouldn't think I was such a loser," Freddie mumbled. "That I'm not good enough for you."
"Baby…"
"But seriously, don't worry about me," Freddie said. "I can handle myself. Keep having a good time here."
Sam sighed as she leaned up to give him a quick peck on the lips. "I'll be right back. You okay here?"
Freddie nodded, and Sam turned and headed off in the other direction.
"Uncle Carmine?" Sam said, approaching her favorite uncle.
"Sammy!" Uncle Carmine, who was sitting by himself, eating a hot dog, beamed. "How's my favorite niece?"
"I'm fine," Sam smiled. "Um, I actually wanted to talk to you about something. It-It's about Freddie-"
"Did he do something?" Carmine frowned, his fists instantly clenching. "Did he hurt you? Because I swear I'll-"
"No! Nothing like that," Sam said quickly. "Freddie's great, Uncle Carmine. Seriously, he'd never hurt me."
"He better not," Carmine said warningly. "Well what do you want to talk to me about then?"
"Um, look, Freddie…Freddie and I are getting married and, you know, that-that means he's going to be part of the family, right?"
"I guess," Carmine shrugged.
"Right," Sam said. "But, um, the thing is…he-he really doesn't feel like family around all of you guys."
"Why not?"
"Well, because of they way you all always pick on him and tease him," Sam said.
"We're Pucketts!" Carmine exclaimed. "That's what we do!"
"I know," Sam said. "But…come on, don't you guys think you're a little harder on Freddie?"
"Well he has to prove himself!" Carmine said. "We don't just let in any old chum off the street."
"But Freddie's not just some old chum anymore, he's going to be my husband soon," Sam said. "He's proven himself enough. And-And he doesn't deserve to be bullied by the people that are going to be his family soon too. Aren't Pucketts supposed to look out for one another? Well he's a Puckett now too."
"Sammy, you know we don't mean anything when we pick on Benson," Carmine said.
"Yeah, but…he-he's not used to all of this yet," Sam explained. "He's a Benson. His family…well, they're the complete opposite of us. He comes from people who tuck in their shirts and do puzzles for fun and wash their hands every time after they use the bathroom."
Carmine gave her a strange look. "Even after they just take a wazz?"
"Yup," Sam nodded. "Crazy. But see what I mean? This is all still a little new to him. And the worst part is that it makes him feel like nobody thinks he's good enough for me. Do you-Don't you think you can maybe go a little easier on him? Please?"
Carmine let out a long sigh. "For you, Sammy…I'll see what I can do."
"Thanks, Uncle Carmine," Sam grinned. "You're the best."
"Don't you forget it," Carmine nodded.
…
Meanwhile at the refreshments table, Freddie was nibbling on a brownie as he looked around for Sam.
Wonder where she went off to, Freddie thought to himself.
"Hey, Benson!"
Freddie spun around and saw two of Sam's cousins approaching him.
"Er, hey guys," Freddie said, trying not to sound afraid.
"You ate the last brownie!" one of the men frowned.
"There-There's still a whole plate of brownies," Freddie pointed out, looking down at the platter of brownies on the table.
"Yeah, but you ate the last corner piece," the second cousin said. "You know what we do to people who eat the last corner brownies?"
"Um…no," Freddie said weakly.
"Well, we-"
"Pete! Bruno!" came Uncle Carmine's booming voice as he stepped over to the scene. "What are you doing?"
"Just teaching Benson here what happens when you take the last corner brownie," Bruno smirked. "Wanna help?"
"Oh no," Freddie sighed, looking desperately around for Sam. If Uncle Carmine was now involved, things were bound to get bad.
"Sure, I'll help put you two in a headlock!" Carmine said. "What are you doing starting on Benson over a dang brownie?"
"Huh?" Pete and Bruno both said, confused.
"Yeah, huh?" Freddie said, equally confused as to why Carmine was suddenly defending him.
"This boy's jumpy enough without you two messing with him," Carmine said. "Now get out of here before I shove the rest of the non-corner brownies down your pants!"
Pete and Bruno both shrugged and headed off in the other direction.
"Um, wow, th-thanks," Freddie said, stunned.
"Eh, your family now, Benson," Carmine said, clasping Freddie's shoulder. "So I'll look out for you until you man up enough to start holding your own like a real Puckett. You can count on that."
"Um…thank you?" Freddie said, a but unsure of whether that was a compliment or an insult.
"You know, Sammy really did well for herself finding someone like you," Carmine said, clearing his throat.
"Wait, you mean that?" Freddie said.
"Yeah, I do," Carmine said gruffly. He straightened himself up. "But don't you ever blow it, kid, or I'll have your butt hanging above my fireplace in no time."
"Er, noted," Freddie nodded quickly. "But-But I won't ever blow it with Sam. I love her too much."
"Yeah, I know you do," Carmine nodded. "But still, just remember-"
"Butt above the fireplace, got it," Freddie said.
