I only own Marianne! Everything else belongs to Hasbro!
~Bonds, Hot Spot~
~Bonds, Blades~
~Bonds, First Aid~
~Bonds, Groove~
~Bonds, Streetwise~
~Bonds, Marianne/Mariposa~
"Normal"
'Thoughts'
"Comms or phone, other side"
"Bumblebee, Tones"
"Bumblebee, Comms"
"Bumblebee, Radio"
Trauma Revealed
"So…" I rub my arm. "What's next for the day?" All I get is five rather uncoordinated shrugs, which is odd considering they're a gestalt. "We could go see the other bots…" I sigh at the blank stares. They look bored. "Or, Aid and I could check on Brains." I sigh before leaning against the wall. "I don't know about you five, but I hate it when there's nothing to do. I don't have Rescue Bots, I don't have my movies, and I'm too keyed up to be able to focus on my writing. I'd look over my EMS book, but guess what I left behind?" I'd just realized my mistake the night before, while I was waiting for Defensor to get done discussing my status. I sigh. I'm starting to work myself up, and they don't need that—I don't need to push my frustration, which is nearing meltdown level, onto the others, but I don't know how to block them off yet. "I'll just…" I shake my head. "I don't know!" I look around. Nothing to clean. 'Great. I'm actually bored enough to want to clean. That's never happened before.'
~Bored enough to what?~
~Sorry…~
~Don't be.~ Aid sighs. ~I have to start medical exams on Bee and his team in an hour, if you want to help…~ He smiles. ~It could be good help with learning our anatomy, and you'd be getting some hands-on training, too.~
I shrug. Medical training's actually pretty important, even though I'd never out-right ask him for it. ~I'd definitely learn where not to shoot…~
~That's…not really a good thing to say to Aid…~
~We've been talking about my hatred of killing since yesterday, Spot. It's just…~ I sigh. ~I know I'll need to learn to shoot, maybe even to kill, but I don't want to. maybe medical training—which I do really want—will help me learn what places to not aim for, and where to aim to stop them, but not kill them.~
~I understand what she means, Spot. I had to fight because Aid didn't want to.~
~And I have to fight.~ I sigh heavily, my grief leaking over the bond no matter how hard I try to hold it back. ~I had to watch Ratchet die—maybe on film, but I watched it happen. I'm not proud of the way I felt, or how I still think, when it comes to Lockdown, but for the first time in my life, I wanted to kill someone. I hated that feeling, but I hated the mech, too. Hating someone is killing them in your heart. I can't do that—I won't do that.~ I look up at them, feeling like tears are about to spill over. ~I can't bring myself to kill, but I can't bring myself to forgive.~ I sigh softly. ~I have to fight, if for nothing else, then for Ratchet's legacy—for Ratchet. He was a combat medic—something I've wanted for the last two years—something he inspired me to do.~ I wipe the tears off my face before turning away. ~I never got to know him—not like Aid has—and I regret that. I regret not having the courage to run earlier—that I never took the time to find you guys before. Maybe I'd have been able to save him if I had…and maybe not…but at least I could have tried. I regret not being there for him…~
I feel strong hands pulling me close, before the others crowd around me, watching out for my doorwings. ~Don't.~
~Didn't that show you watched say anything about that?~
I nod. ~To paraphrase, we're here now, and we're gonna make a difference.~ I sigh. ~Blades said that they hadn't been there to save Cybertron, so they wouldn't let the Burns lose their home.~
~See? You're here now. That's all that matters.~
~And we'll do whatever we can to help you.~
~Even if you try to push us away. You're a part of us now. We're not letting you hurt.~
I sigh. ~Aid…~ I shake my head. ~I was forced to feed seven newborn and orphaned rabbits to a cat because my birthdad didn't approve of my wanting to save them. Dad bought me ducks, but they weren't the same, and…~ I sigh. ~Coyotes got them. I went out to find them, armed, but I couldn't see well enough. They ate my ducks…and a cat ate my newborn bunnies that I'd only taken with me because I couldn't just…abandon them. They were so tiny, and one was hurt, and they were so soft, and fit in my hand, and I couldn't just let them die!~ A sob suddenly breaks out, and I burry my face deeper into what I think is Hot Spot. I'm too upset to care, and the bonds are too new to tell the difference. ~I called number after number, then took them to the humane society, but they couldn't take rabbits, so I took them to the sheriff, but he told me to go to Mishawaka, and I couldn't drive on the highway in my Tink, and Briar was gonna take me, but Aaron met me at home, and cussed me out for caring, and not being able to leave innocents to die! Oh, God, Aid! I can't go through that again! They were just babies! Just newborn babies! Innocents!~ By now, I'm a sobbing mess, for the second time in two days. I don't know if I'm working myself up, or if it's just the stress of running away from my birthdad that's made me unable to keep it together.
~Easy. We're not going to make you kill anything if you don't want to. Aid was the same way with the training drones.~
~I need to learn, though…~
~Not if it'll upset you like this—~
I feel a familiar hand on my doorwings. Only one mech has touched them so far, so it's not hard to know who it is. ~I'm getting the same stress readings from her that I saw in my records, Spot…~ He sighs. ~From the drone…~
~How is she even still standing?~
~I'm holding her up, first off.~ He shakes his head. ~I think she might be going into shock.~ He shifts. ~Emotional shock, not medical shock.~
~She's already got PTSD, Spot. Emotional shock is a precursor.~
~That slagger deserves to rot in the pit for this!~
~BLADES!~
~Well he does!~
~Neither of you are helping the situation.~
~Aid, get a sedative. We may need it. Spot, get her to the couch, but don't let her go. Groove, go find that blanket she had last night. It may calm her down.~ A new hand rests on my doorwings, but it's no less gentle. ~We're right here.~
Hot Spot sighs over the bond. ~We could combine with her, but I'm not sure how she'd react to that. We'd combined with Aid when he did this, but…~
~Anything's better than having to sedate her, Spot…~
~We'd have to take her outside. It's not big enough in here.~
~She needs to feel us.~
~You wouldn't be connected if she is, though.~
~We wouldn't be anyway. We'll have to do our sibling bonding in the medical bay, or during her classes. We get along better than anyone but the two of you anyway, Spot, and that's because she loves fire trucks.~
~Excuse me?~
~When she first met us, she trusted you, and me, but not the others. Me because I was the one to comfort her, and you because she feels safe around fire trucks. She used to sit on one during her training before, when she'd need to study, or think about something. She felt safe there, and she feels the same thing when she's around you.~ He sighs over the bond. ~She'd taught herself not to trust red-eyed mechs or femmes because of the cons, and you've got red optics.~
~I know, Aid.~ He sighs. ~Groove, Blades, Street: come outside.~
~We're going to form up?~
~She needs it.~
'They-they really care… They really love me…'
Outside
I notice the temperature change with my doorwings, but otherwise don't acknowledge that we're no longer inside. While unable to communicate through this Aaron-based trauma fiasco, I can still hear and sense everything around me.
"Protectobots, form Defensor!"
I feel Aid's hand on my doorwing. I guess he noticed it helps me focus. "We did it by instinct the first time. You may be able to, too. It's not hard, but it may be confusing at first."
It's like my spark and frame know what to do, even when I don't, and soon, I realize I'm in Aid's spot—not that I'd really ever seen him there in person. 'Wow…' I sigh when I don't get a response, but don't try to move from where I'm snuggled against their—our—spark. I guess they did the same for Aid when he'd been traumatized after "killing" a drone. 'Wait a minute…' I seek out the bonds. ~Wow…~
~You okay?~
~I will be.~ I sigh over the bond. ~Sorry about losing it like that on you…over baby rabbits no less. I feel so silly…~
~It obviously left you traumatized, or you wouldn't have reacted like this.~
~When did he do that?~
~Be a year in March. Living wasn't safe then, and caring was down-right deadly for what I cared about. I am sorry about losing it on all of you. It started out as a good day…~
~You're fine, Mari. We're not upset. Aid's easily traumatized over senseless killings too.~ We shift back to our normal forms. ~We've done that for him too. Don't feel bad about needing that closeness.~ Groove lays a hand on my arm.
Blades glares at something behind me. I know he's more mad about what happened—the why behind it—than he is at me for needing this. It's not my fault I'm traumatized. I didn't ask to be abused and neglected. ~Didn't anyone comfort you after he killed them?~
I shake my head. ~Where Aaron's involved, I never get comforted. It's a crime to comfort the one who does such a heinous crime as having compassion on an animal and arguing with a human.~ I scoff. ~I argue with the animal too, when it makes me mad—I argue with my computer for spark's sake! I was just too worried about the bunnies to get angry, and my compassion wouldn't let me leave them behind. When Aaron found out I'd had the heart to save them, he cussed me out, then fed them to the cat he stole from me.~
~So that's the first time anyone's comforted you over their murder.~
I nod. ~They say mercy killing, I say murder. All I needed to save them was a ride to Mishawaka, and Briar was gonna drive me. Instead, they got fed to a cat because I couldn't fight my abuser. I was helpless to fight, and those babies paid for it with their lives. I can't let that happen again, Aid. I won't let that happen again.~
~Technical pacifist?~
~Wish it was actual like Aid…~ I nod. ~But yeah. Maim, not kill, and I'd prefer not to maim either.~ I rub the back of my neck. ~More like a Trigger Happy Technical Pacifist. I can talk the talk, but I can't walk the walk.~
~What?~
~I talk like you and Hide, but I act like Aid and Groove. I can talk a blue streak about wanting to end someone for the way I've been treated, or how someone else is being wronged, but I can't actually carry out my thoughts.~ I sigh. ~Like… I wanted to kill Lockdown for what he did to Ratchet. I wanted to hurt Drift for being over Lockdown. I even wanted to hit Aaron with a bus when Bobby brought it up in an interview.~ I giggle over that. ~But killing Lockdown is moot, even if I still wanted to, Drift has been forgiven, and hitting Aaron with a bus would get me imprisoned.~ I shrug. ~Besides, it wouldn't do any good anyway… He'd be fixed up in the hospital and be right back to abusing me in a few months.~
~So no running anyone over with a bus.~
~No bus-based murders…or attempted murders. That's not me anyway, that's Blades.~
~Hey! You brought it up!~
~As an example.~ I sigh. ~If I didn't have the spark to shoot the fiend when he tried to kill my bunny babies last year, then I wouldn't have had the spark to hit the miss-clock with a bus.~
~Good point.~
~Can we get off the topic of organic murder please?~
~Sorry, Aid…~
~You're fine. I think Blades is getting ideas, though.~
~The half-clock traumatized my sister! What am I supposed to do!?~
~Be the bigger mech and let it go. I wish I could, as a matter of fact.~
~You will someday, with our help.~
~Thanks, Street…~ I cuddle into him. ~I wish I'd met you guys two years ago. I might not be traumatized now.~
~Maybe it's better this way.~
~What?~
~We almost lost Aid in our first battle. We weren't even supposed to be in the field yet, but we ran in when Ratchet got hurt.~ I give him a look. ~We wouldn't have found your car last week if you hadn't run. I doubt you would have run if you hadn't been traumatized.~
I nod. ~Why run if everything's fine?~ I sigh. ~Fine is pushing it, but… Why run if I was able to tolerate being on the same property as the man who hurt me so many times, and was allowed to because my compassion was seen as weakness? Why run if his identical-in-personality-son wasn't mistreating me as well? Why run if my Dad wasn't being forced to retire, leaving me with too much work on top of the stress of the two, my negligent birthmom, and insistent neighbors who want me to babysit for free? Why run if it wasn't my very last option?~
~Last option?~
~Take all of the above, and add to it that Aaron and Stacy kept mooching off Dad, that Briar still lives at home and eats him out of house and home, and that I'm too damaged, between my neurodevelopmental disability and my post-traumatic stress, to get a job, much less keep one.~ I sigh. ~Oh, and that no one realized how objective I am about the abuse I've suffered. My attention to detail means I tell it like it actually happened, complete with 100% true details, not how Aaron thinks it happened, or his lies to disguise his abuse.~
~You came to us in your lowest point, and you needed us, more than even I was willing to admit at the time.~
~And I've opened up to my greatest change. Life's better now.~
~Excuse me?~
~Legend of Korra quote, from Aang. He's a pacifist too. He said: "When you reach your lowest point, you are open to the greatest change". I'd reached my lowest point, when I met you, and I opened myself to the greatest change any human could—I became a part of Defensor today.~ I sigh softly. ~The healing has begun. I just hope it keeps on going like this.~
~All you needed was the love a family brings.~
~And we'll always be here for you, no matter where you are.~
I can't help but smile. "You guys are the best."
"Excuse me? What's going on over here?"
We look over to see Bumblebee a few feet away. Blades sighs. "What?"
"I thought I saw Defensor with a pink arm a few minutes ago." He points to me. "She's pink, but last I checked, she wasn't a Protectobot."
"I am now, Bee. They added me a couple hours ago." I rub the back of my neck. "I got re-traumatized over a bad memory, and they did that to snap me out of the mute rut I fell into."
Spot sounds almost spark-broken. "She wouldn't even talk with us over the bond, Bee. Last time that happened with one of my gestalt, Aid got hit with the disrupter cannon and had his bond blocked. I could barely sense her, and she's new to this. She doesn't know how to close herself off like Aid does, and humans don't have medic programing like we do."
I pat his arm. "Easy, Spot. It's all right. I do that sometimes, when I get really upset, but I don't know why. It may be part of my Asperger's, or it may be a defense mechanism, I don't know, but I couldn't tell you why I do it. I could hear all of you, but I just couldn't answer. Quiet was a good way to hide, back home, to the point that I'm terrified of it now." I hug him. "You guys proved that you really love me—not fake, I-love-you-cause-you-do-things-for-me love like I get from my birthparents, the I-love-you-but-I'm-too-scared-to-do-what's-necessary-to-make-you-feel-safe that I get from Dad, or even the I-love-you-when-it-works-in-my-favor that I get from the rest of my human family. It's real, honest-to-goodness, unconditional, sibling love, and I've never had that before. I've felt it, for my family, but it hasn't been shown to me." I sigh. ~Leaving home, was the hardest thing, I've ever had to do, but I found something better than all the money in the world could buy. Family.~
Aid sighs. "I'm taking her into the medical bay so we can get started on the yearly exams. She's going to need an overview before we can start seeing patients."
"Then we'll fix Brains, then start working to repair and revive Ratch." I smile. "After that, we'll get to work on everyone else."
"I'll start repairing Ratchet. You don't need to see him off-line again. We don't need shared nightmares through the bonds."
"I'll be fine, Aid." I smile. "I don't have nightmares when I'm not alone. I'll have all of you." I shrug. "You're calm all day, so you revisit the worst parts of the day in recharge. I react right away, so it doesn't usually leave me scarred—so unless anyone we're dealing with is named Aaron or Lockdown, I'll be fine, and Lockdown's probably still in Hong Kong, we only have Autobots here, and Aaron's still in Indiana." I cross my arms. "Besides, I need to learn to use my fire, and what better way than repairing and reviving?"
He smiles as we step into the medical bay. "I just had to be sure. You did have a pretty bad reaction to that memory."
"I'll survive, Aid." I smile. "I have something to live for now, where I didn't before." He gives me a nervous look. "Even then, the closest thing I had to a plan was "run to Chicago and either get shot on the streets by a gang or freeze to death before morning", and you five prevented that." I smile. "You prevented that. I owe you my life."
"Just don't let it end too soon, Little Sis. That's all I ask."
I hug him quickly before turning to skim through the English translation of the Cybertronian medical text he'd handed me when we walked in. "Don't worry. I'm not depressed, just traumatized. I wanted out, and it was the only way back then." Wow. Eight days is "back then" now. "Now I have a family who loves me, no matter how I act, and gives me the closeness I've craved since Mam died." Now that we've got the gestalt bond, they're gonna find out about how close I was to my now-dead legal grandmother, so it's no use to hide it anymore. "You guys may have truly saved my life, Aid. Thank you."
That Night, Berth Room
I cuddle into Spot, smiling even though I feel close to tears. It doesn't take long for them to spill over.
~What's wrong?~
I shake my head and try to wrap my arms around the entire group at one time. ~I…I finally feel whole again… I finally feel like myself again, after thirteen years…~
Aid wraps his arms around me. ~I've been there…~
~We all have…~
~I was so afraid I was dreaming…that they'd be gone again when I woke, if I let myself recharge…~
~I don't want it to just be a dream…~
~We're not going anywhere. Recharge. We'll be here when you wake up.~
~We promise.~
~Till the end of time, just like they are for me…~
~"I'll always be here for you. You can always find me in the Drift."~ I start crying even harder, but smiling at the same time. We'd just gotten done watching the movie, all curled up together on the couch—Aid and I both sitting on Spot, with the others on either side. ~It's from Pacific Rim…~
~We remember…~
~You can always find us in the bond, Mari.~
~Except we're alive. Stacker's dead.~
I can't help but giggle at that, even while crying. ~Just don't die… I couldn't handle that.~
~Silver said it eons ago, Mari. If we go, we'll all go together. We wouldn't let you go alone.~
~You've had a long day. We're not leaving you.~
~Thanks, but—~
A white-silver, almost pearlescent hand slips into my darker one before squeezing it lightly. ~I won't let you go, if that's what you need.~
~But Aid…Your hand'll get smooshed…~
~I can handle it. I've done it before.~
~Thanks…~ I smile. ~Then I won't let go either.~ I shift onto my back and sigh softly before starting to sing.
I will stand by you
I will help you through
When you've done all you can do
If you can't cope
I will dry your eyes
I will fight your fight
I will hold you tight
And I won't let go
~You know that song?~
~Obviously…~
~It's one of my favorites. I…didn't know you guys listened to country music—or any Earth music, for that matter.~
~We'd sing sometimes, back when we were considered sparklings.~
~Spot's always off-key, though.~
~Definitely know what that's like… I don't do it much anymore, though—unless I don't know a song well enough…~ I sigh softly before "singing" through the bond. It's weird—a good weird—to be able to think a song to its tune, and have someone else hear it. ~It's like a storm/That cuts a path/It breaks your will/It feels like that…~
Except they don't just hear it—they join in. ~You think you're lost/But you're not lost, on your own/You're not alone…~
~I will stand by you/I will help you through/When you've done all you can do/If you can't cope/I will dry your eyes/I will fight your fight/I will hold you tight/And I won't let go…~
~It hurts my heart/To see you cry/I know it's dark/This part of life/Oh it finds us all/And we're too small/To stop the rain/Oh but when it rains…~
~I will stand by you/I will help you through/When you've done all you can do/And you can't cope/I will dry your eyes/I will fight your fight/I will hold you tight…~
~And I won't let you fall/Don't be afraid to fall/I'm right here to catch you/I won't let you down/It won't get you down/You're gonna make it/Yeah, I know you can make it…~
'That actually wasn't too bad…'
~Cause I will stand by you/I will help you through/When you've done all you can do/And you can't cope/And I will dry your eyes/I will fight your fight/I will hold you tight/And I won't let go…~
I smile as I shift off my doorwings, and cuddle into Spot again. ~Oh I'm gonna hold you/And I won't let go/Won't let you go/No I won't…~
Aid slips his hand back into mine. ~We mean it, too. We'll keep you safe.~
~I know… Mam used to say I was her princess, when I thought I'd never be anything, and then she was gone, and I was alone…~
~You're not alone anymore.~
~And even if someone tried to hurt you, they wouldn't get to you without going through us first.~
~Spot's not that bad, Street… I've been worse than that before.~
~That was the best we've heard…~
~Come on, you guys!~
~Yeah! Be nice to the big guy!~ I nuzzle into him. ~I've only been singing again for the last five years, anyway… I still have off-key days.~
~Days?~
~Bout with pneumonia two and a half years ago, and trying to sing through it. I'd been the best soprano in the church choir—the only one at one point—and it took me a year to get my voice back well enough to sing in church. I still have bad days…~ I smile slightly. ~But I'm all right—not many medical issues…Exercise-induced asthma and the dizzy spells I mentioned are about it—that, and my RSD and autism…~
~You—~
~I have an inhaler that I take when I leave the house. I don't take unnecessary risks, Aid. It's only bad when I run too much… I get a cough when I get nervous, but it's connected.~
~Just…don't keep it from us?~
~I'll keep an optic on her, Spot.~
~And I'll let you in. It may take a while—and I don't like people to see me cry—but I'll get there, Spot. Hiding was a defense mechanism. I'll get used to having a caring family, but it may take a little while.~
~I'll try to be patient…~
~He have a problem with that?~
~Not really…~
~He's not as patient as I am, but he won't push you. If you need time, you'll get it…~ Aid sighs. ~But don't hide it if you're hurting, or if you've been hurt. I really upset him doing that…~
~I won't…~ I sigh softly. ~I need cuddles if I'm hurt, Aid… Just…don't touch my left foot. I'll faint, and so would you.~
