Chapter 3: Tearing you apart: The pain of losing you
There is a scratch in her heart, an invisible fissure .. Rey does not feel whole, yet all around her, everything is, everything is complete and lonely is not an option, even if she feels it, Loneliness is an inevitability as much as hiding it from everyone, Poe included.
'I am with, Poe, Remember. I am with the resistance' It is a mantra she repeats to herself whenever Loneliness creeps up on her, whenever the invisible shadow tries to visit or crosses her mind.
She stares at the distance, for how long has she been staring? Since the beginning of this war. It has been long and the war has made her weary, the war has made everybody weary.
"Quite the scene, is not it?"
"Poe"
"You have always loved those planets, Naboo .. Takonada"
It occurs to her, she never paid much attention to what he loves. Poe overwhelms people whether with his flamboyance, hopefulness or courage and as much as he tries to appear suave., It never works. People never notice any other thing about him and maybe that is his gift or rather his curse.
Poe is the stark contrast to the calm reclusive B.. Ren.
"How about you? what kind of planets you like?"
"Same. Who wouldn't like such greenery, such clear sparkling water and warmth? Can you see the horizon, the twilight, Rey? There is nothing more beautiful, except for you, of course" he says quickly, matter of fact
"Well, that is flattering"
"Naturally" he nods it off simply as Rey smiles.
The twilight was fading and the night, it was setting in. Nights were short on those planets compared to Hoth, or Jakku as different their weathers might imply.
"You are tired, aren't you?" Poe asks
"No, I amno.."
"It has been too long, now and it is still tie between us"
"It isnot your fault, Poe"
"yes, but It is only human to feel tired of all this" he motions with his hands "Rey, this war , it started for you, for your likings and Finn and Rose and Jessika. This war was meant to bring the prosperity, freedom and happiness that the galaxy has so long awaited. This war is meaningless if it makes us this miserable, if it reaps more than it benefits"
"And do you think that this war is?"
"I don't know, anymore. There are a lot of things that I don't know Rey about a lot of issues, you included"
"and what is it that you don't know about me?"
"For one, what is it your favourite colour? Another thing, how do you eat that much albeit it never shows on you? Is that a Jedi thing?"
Rey's eyes narrowed at him, teeth barred, face twisting into some ugly sneer.
"Alright, Alright I get it" he raised his hands into submission as Rey laughed, leave it to Poe to make jokes and he wouldn't stop. In fact, Poe had the ability to make the heaviest of matters as light as feather, a phoney attitude he wears of 'the devil may care' however much he does.
Maybe growing up in such mess, such grave conditions of having everything always on the line, drove him to this. One may never know.
"But, seriously Rey, there is a lot of things that I don't know .. like this perpetual feeling of loss in you, this loneliness that nothing can breach"
"I don't feel like th.."
"Rey, we already established you are too transparent to hide anything from people who know you, people who love you"
"I ... I think it has something to do with how I grew up, how my parents abandoned me. It isnot something easy to let go"
"There is always a longing in your eyes, something unspoken akin to thirst that nothing seems to quench .. that I can't quell"
"Don't say this, Poe. Don't ever say this. There is no better leader for this rebellion, no better man for me"
"It isnot about better or worse, Rey. It is about what you need"
"I only ever need you and Finn and Rose and this"
Poe smiled sadly at her 'We both know it isnot true'
"Poe, everything is fine, as long as we are here together. we can do everything, anything can be fixed" she assured
"Hux is getting crazier everyday. The raids .. the battles. Even the places they don't hit, they effectively seize them and cut them off the rest of the galaxy. it looks like they want to end this war as soon as possible."
"Those past years don't seem ' as soon as possible' to me"
"In wars like ours, battles can extend to decades upon decades, centuries and light years. And I don't know if wanting to end it fast is the best or worst thing they have decided"
"I don't understand"
"Whereas destruction in short term wars is massive and there is no distinction in what is being targeted, the animosities are not well established, the death toll is lesser than long term wars where age old rifts are nurtured and the death toll rises slowly but steeper. In short, Reconstruction after short term war, establishing a state is much easier than in long term"
"I don't agree. I mean, long term wars are exhaustive. both sides bend the knee in the end agreeing to whatever settlement proposed just to finish it. After all nobody wants to rule some burnt wasteland"
'I am afraid that is where we might be heading' he grimly mused "Anyways, we have to do what is best for the galaxy, right Rey?"
"Right"
He stared Longly at her. There was an innocence in her that lures people in, a fire in her eyes .. stamina and resolve that prompts people to fight, to hold onto her.
"Why are you staring this way?" She asked
"Nothing" Poe moved closer to her, taking her face in his hands, he leant towards her forehead, brushing his lips against it softly
"I am sorry, Rey. I am sorry this isnot what you expected when you left Jakku. When you joined us. When you stayed with us .. with me. I am sorry I am not the belonging you seek"
Before she could answer him, before she could tell him this is a thousand times better than the obscurity and nothingness that was Jakku, better than she expected, he left her, walking away in steady long strides.
'I am sorry I made you feel this way, Poe'
At this moment, she didn't know who she should despise more, him or herself.
The truth is, she might have given up on him but what is left of him, spoils her mind, spoils everything for her. Truth is Poe doesn't deserve to feel this way.
Truth is ...
She doesn't see Poe after this encounter, ever.
The rage, something burns him that night. It is a pain, a loss and something irrational.
Ben hasnot felt like this since very long. Ben has been worn out, resigned. Everything had been sniffled within him by the heavy blue, the rage, the betrayal. Kylo Ren works on autopilot, through a mechanical push to go on, to finish what was started. At least, this he could do, Finish this. Not for himself, he is a lost cause but for the good of the Galaxy.
He hears a voice, no shrieks that he recognises so well and something is ignited within him.
'Could it be ..'
Their bond had been dead silent for the past years save for bare glimpses whenever one of them is overcome with a certain emotion. Whenever he tried to reach, he would find a wall, a dam between them effectively blocking her out from him.
He feels something familiar, familiar but not necessarily comforting or welcome. Something is being torn apart but not in him, in her. Something is withering in her rapidly and dimming.
"I will kill you for this" She vows clearly in his head
"What is this that you would kill me for?" he calmly demands.
He does not get the answer from her though. their connection is cut short by General Hux barging in to meet him, to announce that 'The impertinent pilot, the resistance so called general Poe has perished in battle'.
He understands, Now.
