I only own my oc's!


Breakdown

med-bay

"Aid?"

"Hey, Mari." He steps over. "What's wrong?"

"I was worried…after the Blades comment earlier…that you'd be mad that I'd had my moments…where I'd lose sight of myself and almost turn into him…"

"I'm not mad, Mari…I might get disappointed if—or when—it happens, but I won't hate you, okay?"

"Okay…" I look at my feet. "Because sometimes…"

"I know. You already told me about Lockdown, Sweetspark. I know how you feel about him, and I won't get mad about fighting in self-defense…"

"But…even if I consider myself a pacifist…If my first reaction to evil is a longing for a weapon…"

"That's probably just a sign of what you dealt with growing up with the abusers, but I want you to come to me or Spot if you feel conflicted, okay? Blades won't give good advice in that area."

"I will…" I sigh softly. "I need to get back to Fixit. He's asleep for now, but I don't know when he'll wake up…"

"Go on. I'll be right here if you need me, okay?"

I nod. "Will I ever know what's right? I mean, going through all this, and…the chance that I might…have to lead…just like Spot…"

"Twins usually don't have a commander that I've seen, but I could be wrong. So far as I know, they work together on most things, but then, Sideswipe and Sunstreaker usually went their own ways in battle, and…"

"Mudflap and Skids were the same way, working together while going their own way…and they shared a vehicle mode…"

"I think your spark may have been first-out, so…if I did carry again…there's a chance, once they were older…"

I know where this thought is going, and I'm not sure I like it yet. "That I'd really be like Spot? Really be a commander?"

"Maybe. We might never know for sure, but if you do…I'd advise talking with him or Silver again. I'm not a commander, and I probably wouldn't give the best advice anyway, considering…"

"I'm already in a position of command, Aid…and I'm not sure I like it to begin with…but to be on level with Spot or Silver…how would I handle that!? I don't know what to do anymore! My life's gone so off-track lately, and I'm just… I'm lost, Mom!" I fall apart at that, and finally let myself break down, and start crying in front of Aid and Ratchet.

Aid simply sighs before pulling me close. "It's all right… I know you're scared, but it'll be all right. We'll get your sister back, and we'll all be together again. It's just going to take some time, all right?" I nod and wipe my eyes. "Feel better now?" I nod again. "Okay, then. You need to get inside before Fixit wakes up. I'll be right here."

"Aid?" Ratchet steps over and lays a hand on his shoulder. "What's wrong?" I pause at the door.
Aid sighs. "I've got it under control, Ratchet, but thanks anyway…"

"That's not what I meant…" Ratchet sighs. "I wanted to make sure you're okay… Even when they're adult-sized—especially when they're adult-sized—having to watch your sparklings deal with any kind of problem—especially if they're hurt, sick, or even traumatized… That's not easy on any creator."

"It's not the first time she's cried like that on me, Ratchet. She broke down over her past within a week of getting here. She blamed it on a meltdown, but I don't know—"

"It is her condition. If she said meltdown, it was a meltdown." Ratchet sighs. "That was different this time…and I would have to say Hot Spot or Silver may understand it better than I would."

Aid sighs, but nods. ~Hot Spot?~

~Aid? What's wrong? You sound like you're about to cry.~

~I am.~ Aid laughs softly over the bond. ~But not over anything bad.~

~What happened?~

~She called me Mom…~

~That's great Aid, but why would that make you want to cry? Sweet or not, you don't usually react like that…~

~Mari came to me over what happened between her and Blades earlier… She was scared I'd be mad at her because her first instinct is to fight, even though she hates it. Then she broke down…started crying over, as she put it, her life falling apart… But to me it seems like she's scared of command…she knows she's there already…but she's not sure she wants it…~

~You're sure it's not just because she's away from her sister?~

~That's part of it at least…I can tell that much…~

~But her biggest fear right now is of commanding?~

~Yeah… I think she's scared to lead someone…on your level…~

~It's probably because of what she went through before. She's got a lot of trauma, Aid, and she just learned that she and her sister are going to have to deal with all that together, even if she wants to keep it to herself when they're together. She's got a good start since they talk about all this all the time, but she's got to figure out what's next, and she's so young…~

~We started out this young too, Spot.~

~It feels like we were older than they are…how old are their sparks now?~

~25 earth-years…that's about…six orns… Wow… I never wanted their first vorn to be spent on a battlefield…~

~I'm sure Wheeljack didn't want ours to be either…but we were literally on the battlefield when we turned one.~ Hot Spot sighs over the bond. ~Mari? You okay?~

I start back into the house, and sit on my office couch in human form before glancing over to Fixit, who is thankfully still recharging. ~I'm all right… Scared, but I'll live…~

~How's Fixit?~

~He's all right.~

~Aid said you'd gone out to see him…~

~Yeah…I heard…~

~Mari, you're supposed to come to us—and I'm glad you went to Aid—but why didn't you tell me you were scared when we were talking earlier?~

~Because I'm supposed to be a commander…I mean, I'm a prime…but I don't…I don't know if I'm really…really ready for this yet… Claire's…she's like…like Mom, and…and it hurt enough when we had that fight, and I could tell she was going to cry one afternoon—and it was my fault, too—but she never gave me any sign… Her human mom said she was just like that, but…but it still hurt. That's when I started trying to hold my emotions back…because she was so… Inspiring… She seemed so strong, and I hate falling apart in front of people…~

~Mari… First off, I know how you feel…about Claire holding back…and hiding how she feels…because I've been there with Aid… He didn't even let me know we had been accidentally hurting his hands…until we'd been combined for the disruptor cannon battle… Now, what happened that afternoon?~

~I was bitter…and angry…over the thing with Faith… I wrote her a hurt note, and… And when we were leaving after school… I'd raced to catch up to her—she'd gotten to leave earlier than I had—and…and she told me, in this…this heart-breaking tone…that "If you didn't mean it, why did you say it?", and…and it was all I could do to get home before I lost it myself. I still get upset when I remember those words… those, and the ones she wrote me earlier…~

~What did she write you?~

~I-I'm n-not…~ I take a shaky breath before starting over. ~I'm not leaving you…~ I choke back a sob and reach for my fleece blanket—I'd left it in here earlier—before burying my face into it. ~And she never did… B-because… I l-left h-her! I-I left her, Spot! I-I promised I-I wouldn't, b-but I-I left her!~

~Easy, Mari. It's okay… We're all right here…~ He sighs heavily. ~I'm only half-done with the list, but I can have one of the others come stay with you until I get back, if you want?~

~I can stay with her… Sling's getting on my nerves anyway.~

~It's up to Mari, Blades.~

~M-mama…~

~She wants me, Blades.~ A soft sigh. ~Just hang on, Baby. I have to tell Ratchet where I'm going, all right?~

~M'kay…~

~Just try to calm her down, and don't worry about anything. I'll get home as quickly as I can, and we'll figure this out together, okay?~

~All right. Thanks, Spot.~ Aid steps into my office and reaches me in two steps. "Easy… It's okay now… I'm right here…"

"I miss her, Mama!"

"I know, Mari, I know…" I shift up to bot form and pick Fixit up—he's thankfully still recharging—and turn to get one of his blankets. Aid picks the red one up—we keep three in here because of how much time I spend working on my stories—and lays it over Fixit before putting an arm around me. "Come on."

"Where?"

"I'm taking you up to my room, okay?" I nod, and follow him up. Once we're settled on the edge of his obviously barely-used berth, with Fixit tucked in behind us, he turns to me. "Now… I need you to tell me what's wrong, okay?"

"I-I left her. I know, she's got a better family than I ever did, but…but I still just…abandoned her…"

"She'll be all right, and we're working on getting her out here, but it's going to be a little while yet…"

"I know… but I miss her… I hadn't realized how bad I'd miss her—even with the past we've had… And I know I had to get away… but that doesn't mean I should have left without even thinking like that… Primus, Aid! I all but forgot about her when I came out here, and…and I don't know what I was doing!" I turn to him with a heavy sigh. "My plan was to let a gang member shoot me, Aid. I came here to be murdered. Finding you…it saved me, but… But now I realize that I wouldn't just have been ending my pain, but I would have caused someone else…to hurt even worse than I had been…and… How do I deal with that guilt—I almost took my sister down with me, and… and I don't know what to think anymore…"

"Coming to us about it was the right thing, Mari. I still have trouble with that sometimes…as you've probably seen…" He sighs heavily. "But I don't know to help with that guilt… I know how it feels, to want to give up for one reason or another…and how, while I didn't, thanks to the Aerials, Ratchet, and Wheeljack, someone else would have gotten closer, or actually ended their life over it. Ratchet's even said he was scared that I would hurt myself after the bonds broke…but I didn't, and…I know not everyone has that strength, but I know that you have a lot of strength." Aid puts an arm around me. "After that, yes, our cases are similar. My brothers and I were separated, and you and your sister are separated, but while I couldn't even sense them until right before they got back, you should still be able to feel her…" I shake my head. "You can't?"

"I can't! I've never been able to feel her!"

"Hear her voice?"

"Sometimes…"

"But not feel her…" I shake my head. "Okay, then. That explains why you didn't officially know the two of you were related."

"We suspected, during that fight, but we didn't know…"

"I know…" Aid sighs. "Now, I know you feel bad about it, but it happened in the past, and there's not really much I can do about that now…" I sigh heavily. "But I can tell you that it wouldn't have been your fault. If your family was grieving because you had been killed, it wouldn't have been your fault…even if you had come here for that…it would have been the fault of the man who actually shot you, and not yours for coming out here…"

"But then I wouldn't have met you guys…and learned who I really am…"

"True…" Aid sighs. "And I would never have found my daughters…but I can't blame you either way. You were hurting…and obviously you still are, if this is any sign… But we're here for you, so you don't have to hurt alone, okay?" I nod. "All right. Spot's almost home, so it's time to head back down, but I'll be right here, okay?"

"Okay…"

I watch numbly as Aid picks Fixit back up, and spread his bed back up before following him downstairs right as Spot gets home. He quickly sets the bags, mattress, box spring, and the box holding the bed frame down before stepping over and pulling me in for a hug. "It's okay, Mari. We're here… Aid?"

"Guilt." Spot raises an eyebrow ridge. "She feels guilty for leaving her sister behind, when she came here…and guilty because her intent was to have the gangs kill her…and she's…she can't even feel her sister…I know how hard that can be for gestalts…"

Spot huffs. "I know how hard that can be on a gestalt commander, Aid."

"Sorry…"

"Aid…" He sighs, and runs a hand over Aid's head. "I'm not mad, okay? I don't blame you for it, but I do know what she's going through…"

"Do you really think she'd be a commander? I've only got the twins…"

"She could be, if her spark really was the first out… Especially if you were to carry again…" Spot looks down at me. "Mari, I know what it's like, to be so young, and to be placed into a leadership position, so if you need someone who understands… I do, and so does Silver. We've both cried over the stress alone before, and we both panic when they're hurt or missing… We understand, okay?"

I nod as Spot leads me over to the couch. "Okay…"

"Now, the only twins you've met started out as split-spark, but they weren't initially combiners, were they?"

"Sideswipe and Sunstreaker aren't… And Flatline did it to Mudflap and Skids, so…"

"So they're used to sharing the burdens. Gestalts usually have a leader, even though it's not necessary in smaller groups—like with combiner twins—they still have one that gives the orders—or they'll make a decision together about whether or not they'll share the burden."

"Like the jet twins in Animated. They fought a lot, but they shared the leadership…"

"Right." Spot smiles. "Larger groups, like Superion or Defensor, or Devastator for sure, need a leader, and it's the one who forms the torso of their combined form, which means myself or Silver—but I think it would be the head with Devastator."

"It's Scrapper."

He tilts his head to the side. "How did you—"

"Research. Devastator's is Scrapper, Menasaur's is Motormaster—"

Aid tenses up on Spot's other side, but Spot simply squeezes his hand gently. "It's okay. He's not getting you again…"

"And Bruticus' is…Onslaught."

"I think you got them all." Spot smiles gently. "But I have to ask you not to mention Motormaster again, okay? Your Carrier had a very bad experience with him when we were two vorns."

I nod. "Sorry, Aid…"

"You're fine, Sweetspark. You didn't know." He sighs. "Go on, Spot."

"Anyway, so while you might not be thrown into a position of leadership in a set of combiner twins, you may still need to take charge from time to time—and I can help if you need it at any time, since I've been exactly where you are now myself—well, not exactly, but we've both—and Silver too—been thrown into a role we were too young to understand at the time, but we've both come through it shockingly well for what it's worth." Spot stands. "Now, until your sister gets here, you won't have to worry about being in command."

"I know…"

"And I can handle command even though I've been nauseated lately, so I don't need help."

"Spot…"

"I know…"

"Aid, I'm fine. I just didn't want it getting to the rest of you." He shrugs. "And anyway, it could just be in reaction to Mari's, because she's stressed out right now, so don't worry about me, okay?"

"Okay." Aid hugs him. "And thanks for helping my daughter."

"Don't mention it, Aid. She's my niece, and my sister. I've got to help out." He nudges me lightly. "Because I love her."

"Love you too, Spot." I cuddle into his side for a moment. "I need to get that bed put together…"

"Do you need my help, or would I just be in the way?"

"I've got it, but thanks…"