=/\=
Whenever they visited their sanctuary, the first thing they did was look for each other. The highlight of their time was just being together, sharing their thoughts, hopes, and memories, bad or good, from the time they'd been apart. They spent every second of their regeneration time that they could together. They sealed their love with kisses and hugs.
After a time, however, Annika detected signs that Axum was pulling away from her. When they spoke with one another, there were times he stopped what he was saying and, when he began to speak again, he'd changed the subject. When she asked him if anything was wrong, he always said no, nothing was wrong. Annika didn't believe him.
Didn't he care for her anymore?
One day, when Axum left Unimatrix Zero a little earlier than usual, Annika found Laura, the Starfleet officer who had become her mentor. Laura was always willing to answer her questions about life, whenever she became perplexed about something that had happened.
Laura patiently listened to Annika's fears about losing Axum's regard. When Annika fell silent, she waited for her friend to tell her that she was just being silly. Nothing was wrong. Axum still cared for her as he always had.
The longer she waited for an answer from Laura, the more concerned Annika became. At long last, Laura asked her to describe how they shared their feelings with one another. "What do you mean? When we spend time alone, we talk about how happy we are that we found each other. We hug and kiss, and he holds me close. We like to go hiking sometimes, especially to the Vorothon Gorge outlook or along the bay. And we visit with everyone here. You see us here a lot."
Laura shook her head sadly. "I thought it might be like that. Annika, you were a small child when you were assimilated. Axum was old enough to become a drone, but he wasn't what we call sexually mature in the way adults are. Do you understand the . . . mechanics of single cell reproduction?"
"I know a lot about it from my Collective memories."
"Tell me how two people make love." Annika began to describe the process to Laura, but she didn't find it very easy to do. It wasn't because she was embarrassed about the subject. She was familiar with the concept of embarrassment, but Annika did not believe she'd ever felt that way. Embarrassment was irrelevant. No, the reason she found it difficult and was stumbling over her words stemmed from the fact that she really didn't understand the process very well. The Borg had assimilated beings from many different species. Although she tried to sift through all of their memories to come up with a coherent answer, she couldn't be sure of what to say. She only had two parents, so humans must be of a species that required two people to create a new being; but some required three or four, and a few even more, to create a single individual. Eventually, Annika reluctantly acknowledged, "Laura, I need time to put everything in the proper order to respond to your question."
Laura sighed. "Annika, it's not that complicated. The reason you can't respond to my question is that you really don't understand. "
Annika was momentarily stunned. She began to feel a little angry, even if that was an irrelevant emotion. Then she remembered that the reason she'd come to Laura for advice in the first place was that she'd already helped her understand much about what humanity was like. She didn't know of any other humans in Unimatrix Zero. The only Ioroni here was Axum. She didn't want to ask him about this. Chastened, Annika pleaded, "Please, tell me what it's like."
"Oh, Annika, I wish I could, but I'm afraid I can't. No one can. Unimatrix Zero is a paradise for those of us who are able to visit here, but it's not a perfect one. We can feel emotions we've experienced in our lives before assimilation, which is why those who became Borg as adults understand so much more than those who were assimilated as children. But even for us, when it comes to making love, there's an important component in the 'real' that's missing from Unimatrix Zero. It stops us from expressing our feelings completely in a physical way."
"You're right. I don't understand. What stops us?"
"Annika, we experience Unimatrix Zero in our minds. Our bodies remain on our vessels. We can remember sensations, but we can't recreate hormones in the bodies we live in here. We do our best to remember how we used to feel when we consummated our love, but we can't experience it again. Not really. We often speak of that here. We remember touch, and we can try to mimic the movements of loving another, but we just don't feel what we did when we were individuals. Those who were children when they became Borg don't have those memories. The Hive mind doesn't maintain what it considers to be irrelevant, and to the Queen, physical love is irrelevant. The memories of loving in the Collective mind are a mere shadow of the reality. We can recall loving our partners here, but we can't renew the memories the way non-Borg people do when they experience physical love. This is a virtual reality. We're not here in reality, even though we sometimes forget that when we're happy here."
Annika pondered what Laura said for a long while. Finally, she repeated what she understood of Laura's explanation, supplemented by data she could recall from the Hive mind: "Hormones are substances made in the body of a being which serve many functions in that organism. We can remember how they would act in our bodies in some situations here, but most of the time, we cannot. Children don't sense the ones associated with single-cell reproduction because they are not produced until a person is 'sexually mature.' Are you saying that since we can't create hormones here, we can't function the way individuals do in the 'real?' That since Axum and I were still children when we became Borg, we'll never create them at all? Because Unimatrix Zero is an illusion?"
Laura put her arm around Annika's shoulders and said, mournfully, "That's what I'm saying."
They didn't say anything for a while. Finally, Annika asked, "I understand more about this now. We can experience mental love, but not physical love. Do you think that this is why Axum seems to be falling out of love with me?"
"Kuruun told me Axum came to him a short while ago. They had a conversation about 'the facts of life' in Unimatrix Zero that was pretty close to the one we're having now. I don't think Axum is falling out of love with you. I think he's mourning the loss of an experience he'd hoped to be able to share with you. Remember, he was old enough to observe his parents and people around him who loved each other physically as well as mentally. He has a pretty good idea what he's missing."
"And mental love isn't enough for him."
"I'm not saying that, Annika. The truth is, physical love is only a part of what two individuals feel when they fall in love. I'd say if people are truly well matched, even more of it is a mental kind of love. I believe the two of you do love one another, but you need to accept the limitations of our existence here. Unimatrix Zero is a wonderful place. We're lucky to be here. But, as I said a little while ago, it's not a perfect replica of real life. Eventually, even those of us who shared our lives body and soul before assimilation soon find physical closeness and the meeting of true minds replacing attempts to recapture passion. When we try, since we don't have true bodies, it's like we're phantasms floating together, or molecules of water passing alongside and through each other in a stream. We know what we're missing, and it's frustrating not to feel that rush of fulfillment from our joining. And, of course, we can't create a new child. The only way the Borg reproduce is by assimilating the body and mind of someone created through sexual reproduction, by one of the many species the Borg have identified."
"And lovers here can't even promise to always be here for each other, because we never know when our drone bodies will die, and we won't be," Annika observed.
"Well, people in the 'real' may promise that, but their lives are subject to death, too. One difference is that when they expire, they can leave a family they've created to live on behind them. We really can't do that."
"We may not be related to each other by blood, but don't you think we've formed a kind of family among our group here? We care about each other. I know I cared about Pennia after my mother disappeared, and I'm very grateful that you're here with me now. I mean, since you are Borg now, I'm glad you're able to come here. I appreciate all you've done for me since you've come here."
Laura's smile was a melancholy one. "Since we can't change the fact that we were assimilated, I'm glad we're able to come to Unimatrix Zero. At least we have this 'imperfect' sort of family life to look forward to, during this portion of our existence."
"Thank you for sharing this with me," Annika said. "I think this must be why Axum has been so distant from me lately."
"Don't presume, Annika. The next time you're here together, talk this over with him."
"I will. I think I must be waking up in the 'real' now. Thanks again, Laura." Annika flickered away.
Laura sat on the bench in the shelter for quite a while, going over what she'd said to Annika. She'd relayed the sad facts of life in Unimatrix Zero as succinctly as she could. She wished Annika could have been spared the knowledge of this dark side of life in their sanctuary, but she was too intelligent not to realize, eventually, that something was missing - just as Axum had. Annika was young, however, and so was Axum. Hopefully, the fact that their love could never be complete wouldn't ruin what they could share with each other in Unimatrix Zero.
When her Kuruun appeared a little later, Laura went to him immediately and greeted him with a tender hug and kiss. He appreciated the display of affection, but from the sad expression on his love's face, he knew something was wrong. Once she'd told him about how she'd spent her afternoon, he commiserated with her. While both had been assimilated as adults, here in virtual reality, they were really no better off than Axum and Annika when it came to expressing their love.
=/\=
The next time Annika returned to Unimatrix Zero, she immediately sought out Axum. She found him sitting on a bench just outside the clearing, deep in thought. "I think I know what's bothering you. Laura explained the 'facts of life' to me. Axum, as long as we can be together, I'll be happy with whatever we can share with each other."
He held out his hands and pulled her towards him. They held each other close, enjoying each other's presence, and touching each other oh, so gently. Annika and Axum both knew what touch felt like in the 'real.' If this was the best they could do in Unimatrix Zero, where everyone lived the semblance of a life, not a real one, then that's what they would do.
Despite its limitations, the time they spent with each other in Unimatrix Zero was precious. They never wanted it to end.
=/\=
