Dentist

"Wow, Spence, this sculpture looks amazing," Sam commented as her and Carly examined the large lobster sculpture in the middle of Spencer's living room.

"Yeah, it might be your best work yet," Carly nodded.

"Thanks," Spencer said. "Hopefully it doesn't break or anything when it gets shipped to Maine. Can you believe that one of my sculptures sold all the way there? I'm an international sensation now!"

"Er, you do know that Maine is part of the United States, right?" Carly frowned.

"So?" Spencer said.

"So, selling your work in Maine would only make you a national sensation then," Carly pointed out.

"Oh," Spencer said. "Well, thanks for popping my dreams."

"Let me take a picture to show Freddie," Sam said, pulling out her phone. "He wanted to come see it himself, but his meeting at work is running super late."

"Hey, speaking of Freddie, can you do me a favor and run this lint roller back over to his mom?" Spencer asked.

"Lint roller?" Carly grinned.

"I had a date and my nice jacket was all linty," Spencer explained. "And Mrs. Benson was the only person I knew who would have a lint roller to de-lintify me."

"First of all, will you stop calling her Mrs. Benson?" Sam cringed. "Ever since I changed my last name and got that title myself, I hate any reminder that her and I share the same name."
"Well what am I supposed to call her? "Spencer asked.

"I don't know, be creative!" Sam snapped. "And second…for the love of chiz, please don't make me go over there."

"Why don't you want to go see your mother-in-law?" Carly asked. "You and Freddie have been married for six months; shouldn't you be used to her by now?"

"Yeah, I thought she was treating you a little better since the wedding," Spencer said. "Or, well, I thought she stopped trying to disinfect you every five minutes, at least."

"She has," Sam sighed. "But, well, lately every time I see the woman she starts bugging me about giving her grandchildren."

"Seriously?" Carly smirked.

"Yeah, and it's getting real annoying," Sam nodded.

"I'm sure it's not that bad," Spencer said. "I mean it's normal for old people to want to have little kids around them again. It makes them feel less old."

"Uh, have you met the woman?" Sam said. "Of course it's that bad! She actually started asking about me and Freddie starting a family the second we got back from our honeymoon, but we sort of just brushed her off. But now every single time I see her she bombards me with packets of fertility tea and parenting magazines and crib catalogs. You know she's even working on knitting a baby blanket right now?"

"Okay…I can see how that could be annoying," Carly said.

"The other day she even snuck up to our bedroom and replaced all of Freddie's briefs with boxers so he could 'feel more free'," Sam said, shaking her head. "And she got us all these fancy massage oils and candles to help 'set the mood'. And to think, she used to used to cry and scream every time she saw the two of us making out. Now she's probably real close to locking us in our bedroom or something."

"Gross," Spencer said. "So…I guess I can return the lint roller myself."

"Yeah, good call," Sam said, rolling her eyes. She looked down at her phone. "Oh Carls, if we want to catch that movie we need to get going now."

"Oh right," Carly nodded. "We'll see you later Spencer."

"Bye guys," Spencer said.

"Hopefully the theatre fixed their butter dispenser," Sam said as the girls headed out of Spencer's apartment and out into the hall. "Because last time I was there I had to eat unbuttered popcorn and it was just-"

Just then the door across the hall opened up and Marissa Benson walked out.

"Oh, Samantha!" Marissa beamed. "Exactly the person I wanted to see."

"Oh…hey Marissa," Sam said heavily.

"Hi," Carly said politely.

"Samantha, last time I was at your house, I noticed your kitchen was a little low on fish oil," Marissa said, ignoring Carly's greeting as she reached into her bag and pulled out a large jar of a dark, gloopy substance.

"Yeah, because we never buy fish oil," Sam said, almost gagging. "Ugh, this stuff smells disgusting!"

"I admit, it has a bit of a pungent odor, but it has been proven to increase the chances of a couple conceiving," Marissa said. "Now, what you're going to want to do is have a tablespoon three times a day and-"

"Marissa, come on, Freddie and I have told you, we're not trying to start a family right now," Sam said, rolling her eyes. "We haven't even been married a year; we're trying to enjoy that. And I'm real close to that promotion at work, and Freddie thinks that in a couple years he can really move up in his job too and-"

"Well Samantha, the way you're talking, it sounds like you and Freddie don't plan to give me a grandchild for another few years," Marissa said, giving a light chortle.

"Er…yeah, that-that kind of is the plan," Sam said.

Marissa's face fell. "What?"

"We've told you, we want to be really settled down in our own lives before we have a baby," Sam said. "I know you're all hopped up for a baby, but Freddie and I want to wait awhile."

"Wait?" Marissa repeated.

"Yeah, you know, a lot of couples are holding off on having kids right away," Carly stepped in. "So that they can have time to-"

"Quiet, you!" Marissa hissed. She turned back to Sam. "Samantha, now I know in this day and age, we're all about 'girl power' and building your career instead of a family-"

"Oh no…" Carly sighed.

"But really, you can do both!" Marissa said. "Of course I would prefer it if you were to realize your priorities in life and give up your job to focus on raising your family-"

"Um, last time I checked this wasn't 1950," Sam snapped. "And I don't want to-"

"-But if you insist on being stubborn, being a working mom is a feasible option!" Marissa cut her off. "Look at me; I raised a wonderful boy while working full time! And you'll have it even easier than I did because you'll have me! I am prepared to become your full-time babysitter, completely free of charge! Think about it, for eight whole hours a day, your lucky child will be exposed to organic meals, daily tick baths, and countless puzzles! When he or she reaches appropriate puzzle age, of course."

"Lucky isn't exactly the term I'd use to describe that scenario," Sam mumbled. "But, um, Carls and I were just heading out, so I'll see you around, Marissa!"

"Wait, Samantha!" Marissa called after her and Carly. "I didn't even get a chance to show you how to work my old breast pump!"

"Wow, you were right, the woman's batty for a baby!" Carly said as the girls hurried off.

"No chiz," Sam said. "God, she's gonna be like this until she gets a grandchild."
"Well if you and Freddie want to wait, that's your choice," Carly said. "She's just gonna learn to accept that."

"I know," Sam said. "But she's probably gonna explode while she waits."

….

"Alright, your mom's officially gone too far," Sam said a few days later as she walked into her and Freddie's bedroom. "Guess what I found in the trash down in the kitchen?"

"Why were you rifling through the trash?" Freddie frowned, looking up from the magazine he was reading in bed.

"I dropped half a corndog in there; I wasn't gonna waste it!" Sam said. "And good thing I went after it, because I found this!"

She held up a circular package.

"Isn't that your birth control?" Freddie asked.

"Yeah, your mom threw it away!" Sam nodded. "She must've done it while she was over this afternoon."

"I'll talk to her tomorrow," Freddie sighed. "She really is getting out of hand with all this baby stuff."

"You're telling me?" Sam scoffed.

"Well, she's gonna have to come to terms with the fact that we want to wait a little while before we have kids," Freddie said simply. "Believe me, I can't wait to start a family with you, but doesn't she realize it will be best if we do it once we have everything totally in order?"

"Yeah, for once I'm on bored with being organized about something," Sam said. She sat down on the bed next to Freddie and put her head on his shoulder. "You know, as annoying as she is, it is kind of sweet how badly she wants to be a grandmother."

"I know," Freddie said. "And hopefully in a few years we can make that dream come true for her. But right now it's just not in our plans."

"No," Sam agreed. She leaned up and kissed her husband. "Not yet."

Several weeks later, Freddie happily walked back into his house. He had just come back from the dentist and was feeling extra cheerful, as he always did right after a cleaning. But when he stepped into this living room, he was greeted with the sight of his mother.

"Mom?" Freddie frowned. "What are you-oh come on!"

He stepped over and yanked the book that she had been placing onto the coffee table out of her hands. "The Big Book of Baby Names?"

"I thought I would drop it off for a bit of light reading!" Marissa defended.

"Mom, seriously, enough is enough," Freddie said. "Stop trying to push me and Sam to have a baby right now! I know you want to be a grandmother, but you have to understand, Sam and I have a plan."

"I-I don't know what you're talking about," Marissa said lamely.

"Come on, last night you kept making comments about how our extra bedroom would be perfect for a nursery, you've been sending us emails about sales on baby products, and you tried to switch out Sam's favorite jeans for maternity pants!"

"Well is that a crime?" Marissa scoffed. "For me to want a grandchild? I'm not getting any younger, Fredward!"

"Mom, Sam and I want kids, you'll get your grandchild," Freddie said, rolling his eyes. "But like I said, Sam and I have a plan about this."

Just then the front door opened and Sam walked in. "Freddie?" she said. "Freddie, I need to talk to-oh…Hey Marissa."

"Perfect timing, baby," Freddie said. "I was just telling my mom, once again, about how we planned to wait to start a family."

"Oh…" Sam said.

"Look, Sam and I would just really appreciate it if you would cool it with your pressuring us for a kid," Freddie said. "That decision is between me and Sam, and like we've been saying this whole time, we want to wait."

"But why?" Marissa moaned. "I was snooping-I mean, organizing, in your office and I saw all your bank statements; you two have enough money to have a kid! And you know I've had a savings account set up for this child for years now!"

"That's not weird at all…" Sam said, rolling her eyes.

"Mom, just because Sam and I have the resources to have a baby now, doesn't mean we have to," Freddie said firmly. "We want to wait because we want to go further in our careers, maybe travel a little bit, and enjoy our married life for a little longer! You need to understand that no amount of not-so-subtle hints from you will change our decision to wait."

"But according to that little 'plan' of yours, I won't have grandchildren for another five years!" Marissa exclaimed.

"Well then you'll have plenty of time to knit more blankets," Freddie said. "I'm serious mom, you need to accept that you're just not going to be a grandmother right this moment."

"Eleven months!" Marissa snapped. "I carried you around for eleven months and this is the thanks I get! You are killing your mother, Fredward, I hope you know that!"

And with that, she spun on her heel and stormed out of the house.

"Well, any pep I had in my step from the dentist is now gone," Freddie sighed, massaging his temples. "I'm going up to go take a nap. Wake me in an hour and we go get a pizza or something."

"Uh, yeah, sure," Sam said.

Freddie turned and headed towards the stairs. "Oh, wait," he said, turning back to her. "What did you want to talk to me about? You know, when you first came in here?"

"Um, I-We can talk later," Sam said quickly. "You look like your mom really stressed you out. Go take that nap now."

"God, I love you," Freddie grinned, leaning down to give her a quick kiss.

Sam watched as her husband disappeared up the steps. She let out a long sigh and reached into her back pocked and pulled out a positive pregnancy test.

"Figures," she said, rolling her eyes. "The one time he stands up to his mom and he's gonna have to turn around and eat his own words…"