Vest
"Mommy, I want more ice cream," four-year old Tyler said as he followed Sam around the house.
"No, Tyler," Sam sighed, rolling her eyes. "For the millionth time, you're not having more ice cream. You already had one bowl."
"But you had three bowls," the child pointed out.
"Well I'm a grown-up," Sam said. "When you become a grown-up, you can have as many bowls of ice cream as you'd like. Besides, you don't need anymore sugar. You're already wazzed up enough."
"I want ice cream!" Tyler said loudly. "Ice cream, mommy! Ice cream!"
"No!" Sam said loudly. "And if you don't stop, you're not gonna have ice cream until you're a teenager!"
"Mom! Did you find my soccer ball yet?" Emma asked as she ran into the room.
"No, not yet," Sam said. "I've been looking all over the place, Em. Are you sure you didn't leave it at practice the other night?"
"Yes! You have to find it, mom!" Emma said.
"Why do I have to find it, Emma?" Sam asked. "You're the one who lost your ball! You should be the one looking for it!"
"I don't want to," Emma said simply before running off back upstairs.
"What do you mean you don't want-ugh, forget it," Sam sighed. "Alright, if I was a soccer ball, where would I be?"
"Ice cream, mommy!"
"Tyler, what did I say?" Sam snapped. "Stop asking me for ice cream and go-"
"Mom, I need forty bucks," Jason said, walking into the house. "Preferably within the next two minutes."
"What do you need forty bucks for?" Sam asked.
"This kid at the park said I can feed his pet snake a live mouse if I pay him!" Jason said. "How cool is that?"
"Yeah, that's actually pretty-Wait…No!" Sam exclaimed. "I'm not giving you forty bucks to feed a snake! Why does this kid even have his snake at the park anyway? I'm pretty sure that's illegal!"
"Well if you're not gonna let me feed a snake, can you at least give me a hundred bucks to buy my own?" Jason asked.
"What kind of logic is that?" Sam said. "No snake, Jason. You're dad would flip out. Believe me, I've already tried to get one in this house."
"But I had a snake for two weeks last year and dad didn't mind," Jason pointed out.
"Um, that would be because we didn't know you had a snake last year," Sam frowned.
"Oh…" Jason said slowly. "Well…I'm-I'm just gonna go up to my room now…don't come up there!"
"Jason! I swear, if I find any weird animals crawling around this house, you'll be grounded all summer!" Sam called after him.
"Mommy, if I promise not to feed any snakes, can I have more ice cream?" Tyler asked.
"Tyler, let me make myself very clear," Sam said, mustering every ounce of patience in her body. "You are not having another bowl of ice cream today. You were lucky I let you have one bowl after that stunt you pulled with the garden hose this morning. Now you need to stop asking me about this so I can find your sister's soccer ball and make sure that Jason's room isn't filled with weird snakes and spiders or whatever. Got it?"
"Mom?" Ashton said, coming into the room. "I sort of made a mistake…"
"Oh no…" Sam said, taking a deep breath. "What happened Ashton?"
"I was trying on your make-up in your bathroom-" Ashton started.
"You were what?" Sam yelled. "How many times have I told you not to play with my make-up! That stuff's expensive, Ashton!"
"But I just wanted to be pretty like you, mommy," Ashton said sweetly.
"Nice try, I'm not your dad," Sam said. "I don't fall for the 'sweet and innocent' act so easily. Now what did you do?"
"I dropped your lipstick in the toilet," Ashton explained. "And then I accidently flushed it and now the toilet is overflowing all over your bathroom floor."
"No!" Sam moaned. "Ashton!"
"It was an accident!" Ashton said.
"Great, now I've got to call the plumber!" Sam said as Ashton hurried out of the room. "As if I didn't have enough going on right now!"
"Mommy?" Tyler said. "Can I please have some-"
"Tyler…" Sam said slowly. "Mommy loves you very much, but right now she's this close to sending you to live with grandma Benson for the rest of the week."
…
"I'm home!" Freddie announced later as he walked into the front door. He looked around at the empty living room. "Well…that's disappointing."
He headed into the kitchen where a half a pepperoni pizza was waiting for him.
"Take-out again? That's the third time this week," Freddie sighed as he helped himself to a slice. "How many times have I told Sam she needs to feed the kids a more nutritious dinner?"
He spotted a pile of mail sitting sloppily on the counter.
"Oh yay, bills," Freddie sighed, picking up a thick envelope. "Might as well get started on these." He ripped open the envelope and pulled out the credit card statement for his and Sam's shared account.
"Whoa, how can it be this much?" Freddie frowned. "I didn't think our expenses were that bad this month…What could be-holy chiz! A three-hundred dollar charge for the Seattle Day Spa? Another hundred bucks for a deep tissue massage? Why is Sam spending this kind of money on stuff like that? How many times have I told her that we need to focus on putting our extra money into the kids' college funds and our savings account! That's so irresponsible of her to go out and spend that sort of money on things like massages!"
Just then the door opened and Sam and the four Benson children came piling into the house.
"Alright, Emma, get upstairs right now and shower off all that mud," Sam told her currently mud-covered daughter. "Ashton, go hurry up and get your shoes for dance practice. Jason, I'll drop you off at the library for your group project on the way. And Tyler, you're gonna have to run errands with me, so you better be on your best behavior and-"
"Sam!" Freddie said as he stepped over to his wife.
"Oh! Good, you're home," Sam said as the kids all ran upstairs. "Hey, can you do me a huge favor and watch Tyler and Emma here while I take Jason and Ashton to their things? We just got back from Emma's soccer practice, and between the kids all running around in the mud and their begging and whining, I'm about ready to-"
"What's with these insane charges on the credit card bill, Sam?" Freddie cut her off, thrusting the statement into her hand.
"Insane charges?" Sam frowned, looking down at the paper. "You mean somebody got ahold of our account?"
"If by somebody, you mean you, then yes!"
"Huh?" Sam said. "What are you talking about?"
"Why did you spend three hundred bucks at the spa?" Freddie said. "And another hundred on a massage? We don't have that kind of money to waste on junk like that!"
"That's from when me and Carly had that girls weekend last month," Sam said.
"Since when does a girls' weekend cost four hundred bucks?" Freddie exclaimed.
"Look, I wanted to treat myself a little," Sam shrugged. "It's no big deal; it's not like I went out and bought a new car or something. I was just really stressed and I thought I could use some relaxation and-"
"Sam, you can't possibly be stressed enough to justify spending this much money!" Freddie snapped.
"Okay, first of all, it's four hundred bucks," Sam frowned. "I know we're not rich, but we'll be fine. Second of all, after the day I just had, I'd rethink telling me how stressed I can be, thank you very much!"
"Sam, if any of us should be this stressed out, it should be me!" Freddie said. "I'm the one going to work every day!"
Sam narrowed her eyes. "How many times have I told you not to play that card? For the millionth time, I work! I just happen to do it from home because somebody has to stay here with the kids! And dealing with those four all day is like having four full-time jobs!"
"They're kids, Sam," Freddie said, rolling his eyes. "And I do deal with them too, you know. But you don't see me throwing away money on stuff we can't-"
"You deal with them at night, when you get home!" Sam argued. "Once they've already used all their energy up with me! If you had any idea of what dealing with them all day, every day was like, you'd see that I deserve to treat myself!"
"Sam, you're being ridiculous," Freddie said. "You're just trying to use the kids as an excuse for your irresponsible splurging-"
"Irresponsible splurging?" Sam sputtered. "You know what? How about you see for yourself how hard it is staying at home here all day!"
"What?"
"We'll switch places," Sam said firmly, crossing her arms. "I'll go in and do my work from the office, and you stay here and work from home with the kids."
"Sam, I can't just stay home tomorrow," Freddie said.
"Why, you scared to see how rough it is?"
"No!" Freddie said. "You know what? Fine! I'll work from home tomorrow and take care of the kids. I could use the break anyway."
"Break?" Sam smirked. "Oh…I give you two hours before you're eating those words."
…
"Alright, I'm off to work," Sam said brightly the next morning as she came down to the kitchen, where her four children were sitting at the table. She looked around. "Where's dad?"
"I don't know," Jason shrugged. "But what's for breakfast, mom? We're all starving!"
"Oh, going to work?" Freddie asked as he came into the kitchen, still dressed in his pajamas. "Or do you want to call off this insane contest and admit that I was right?"
"Um, dude, why are you still in your pajamas?" Sam frowned.
"Well I'm just staying here," Freddie shrugged. "I figured there was no point in getting dressed."
"What do you mean you're just staying here? You have to take Tyler to the doctor!"
"The doctor?" the four-year old repeated, his eyes growing wide. "No! I don't want shots! No doctor!"
"Oh…right," Freddie said. "Well fine, I'll just get dressed then. No big deal."
"And where's breakfast?" Sam continued. "I'm always the one who does that because you're in a rush to get ready for work, but since the roles are reversed today…"
"Fine, fine, I'll handle breakfast," Freddie said, rolling his eyes. "Let's see, who wants some cereal?"
"Cereal?" Emma cringed. "Yuck! We want bacon!"
"Yeah, it's Tuesday," Ashton nodded. "Tuesday is bacon day!"
"Bacon?" Freddie said.
"Frying pan is in the dishwasher," Sam grinned. "As much as I would love to stick around and watch this mess, I've got to get to the office. Enjoy your 'break' Fredwad. Kids, have fun with daddy!"
"Dad? Can you hurry up with the bacon?" Jason asked. "You do know you have to take us to school, right?"
"Of course I do," Freddie said. "See? You all we'll be spending the whole day in school! So I don't see why Sam's so 'stressed'; she has six whole hours all to herself!"
"I don't go to school!" Tyler said happily.
"What? Yes you do!" Freddie said. "You have preschool!"
"Preschool ends a month earlier than regular school," Jason said.
"Which is totally unfair," Emma mumbled.
"Oh…well no biggie, you can hang out here with daddy, Ty," Freddie said. "After we take you to the doctors, of course. I guess that would be easiest to do after we drop your brother and sisters off-"
"No doctor!" Tyler yelled loudly, jumping out of his seat and sprinting out of the room. "No doctor! No!"
"Tyler!" Freddie called after him. "Tyler, come back here!"
"He really doesn't like the doctors," Ashton said.
…
By the time Freddie had cooked the bacon and managed to round up Tyler, he was ten minutes late dropping of the older children at school, which meant he had to park the car and sign the kids in at the front office. By the time that endeavor was over, he was nearly thirty minutes late for Tyler's doctor's appointment.
"I said no doctor!" Tyler screamed as Freddie carried the squirming child into the office. "No, no, no!"
"I said yes, so you're going to the doctor!" Freddie hissed. "Now stop crying, Tyler!"
"No!"
"Oh…I can feel the headache coming already," Freddie sighed as he stepped up to the receptionist's desk.
"Name?" the woman asked.
"Benson," Freddie replied, still struggling to keep hold of Tyler.
"You're a half-hour late for your appointment," the woman informed him. "We had to give your spot away."
"What?" Freddie exclaimed. "Look, I know I was a little late, but that's only because I had to drop my other kids off at school and-"
"We have another appointment available in an hour," the woman said. "Would you like to take that one?"
Freddie sighed. "Fine. I guess we'll do that."
"The waiting room is to your left," the woman replied.
"Thanks," Freddie sighed, wondering how on earth he was going to manage a whole hour waiting with Tyler. Just as Freddie turned away from the front desk, one of Tyler's legs, which the child had been flailing in an attempt to get out of Freddie's arms, kicked Freddie in a very painful spot, causing the man to double over in pain and allowing Tyler to wiggle free and run off in the other direction.
"No, Tyler!" Freddie called weakly after his son as his eyes watered. "Come back here and wait and-yup, I'm going down!"
…..
"Alright, it looks like he's doing just fine," the doctor said an hour later as Tyler and Freddie sat in the examination room.
"Good," Freddie said, adjusting the ice pack on his groin. "So are we good to go now?"
"Well, he does need one shot," the doctor said.
"No!" Tyler shrieked. "Daddy, don't let them give me a shot!"
"Tyler, you need this shot," Freddie said. "It will keep you healthy."
"But it will hurt!"
"Only for a second," Freddie promised.
"No shot!"
"Er, normally your wife has a certain method of calming Tyler before he gets his shots," the doctor told Freddie.
"Method?" Freddie said. "Well what is it?"
"No idea," the doctor shrugged. "All I know is that when she comes in here with him, we manage to get his shots done."
"Gee, thanks," Freddie said, rolling his eyes as he turned back to his son. "Er…Ty? Listen, if you calm down and let the doctor give you a shot, I-I'll pick you up pizza for lunch! Yeah, doesn't that sound cool?"
"No!"
"Er…you want to go to the toy store?" Freddie tried.
"No!"
"Twenty bucks?"
"No!"
"Well what do you want, Tyler?" Freddie sighed.
"I want mommy!" Tyler cried. "Mommy plays me the song before I get my shots!"
"Song?" Freddie said. "Tyler, I can play you a song! What song do you want? Daddy will pull it up on his phone right now!"
But Tyler was crying too hard to even hear Freddie.
"Please, next time send him with your wife," the doctor sighed.
…..
Nearly another hour later, Freddie and Tyler returned home from the doctors.
"Alright," Freddie said as the two stepped into the kitchen, where the mountain of breakfast dishes was still sitting in the sink. "What do you want for lunch, Tyler?"
"Ice cream," Tyler pouted, still bitter over having gotten his shot.
"You can't have ice cream for lunch, Tyler," Freddie sighed. "Maybe if you're a good boy for the rest of the day, you can have-"
He was cut off by his phone ringing in his pocket. He fished it out and saw the school's number flashing across his screen.
"Hello?" he answered as Tyler ran out of the kitchen into the living room.
"Mr. Benson? I'm calling from your daughter's school," the man on the other line said. "It seems that they both forgot their lunches this morning."
Freddie groaned as he looked over on the counter where, sure enough, two purple lunch boxes were sitting.
"You'll need to bring them down right away; they're just about to go to the cafeteria," the man said.
"Okay, okay, I'll be there," Freddie conceded, hating the fact that he had to go out just a few minutes after he had gotten home. He hung up the phone and looked around for Tyler. "Tyler?" he called out. "Tyler where are you? We need to go drop the twins' lunches off at-"
Suddenly there was a loud crash from the living room.
"Wonderful," Freddie said, shaking his head. "Just wonderful."
….
"Alright, we dropped off the lunches," Freddie said as he strapped Tyler into his car seat in the parking lot of the elementary school. "Now we can go home and have at least a couple hours before we need to turn around and pick everybody up. That should be enough time for me to get to those dishes and-"
Just then his phone rang again and this time Jason's name flashed across the screen.
"Jason? What is it?" Freddie answered. "You shouldn't be using your phone in school!"
"I need you to drop off my permission form for my field trip," Jason said. "It's due today, and if I don't turn it in, I can't go to the science museum."
"What? Why didn't you make sure you had it before you left this morning?" Freddie demanded.
"Mom always checks to see if we have everything," Jason said. "I need my permission form, dad!"
"Okay, fine," Freddie said. "Where is it? I'll swing by the house and grab it."
"Um…maybe on my desk," Jason said. "Or maybe in the dining room. Or maybe-"
"So basically I'm supposed to search the whole house for it?" Freddie snapped.
"Yeah, that'd be great," Jason said. "Oh, and I need it by one. Thanks dad!"
…
"Well, having you all in school was pretty tiring," Freddie said later on that day as Jason hopped into the van in the middle school's car loop. "Maybe you will be a little easier once we're back at the house. Now, I haven't been home all day, so if you all wouldn't mind pitching in and helping me with some cleaning-"
"We can't go home!" Ashton said from the backseat.
"Why not?" Freddie frowned.
"Emma and I have Sunshine Girls!" Ashton said.
"And I have to go to the store to buy materials for my class project," Jason said. "It's due tomorrow, so we have to go now."
"Okay, this is ridiculous!" Freddie said. "I've spent all day running around and now I have to do it some more?"
"Mom does it," Jason shrugged.
Freddie took a long, deep breath. "Fine," he said. "Let's go."
"Daddy, I have to go to the bathroom," Tyler said suddenly.
"Well Tyler, you'll have to wait until we stop somewhere," Freddie said.
"No, I have to go!" Tyler said.
"Daddy, last time he said he had to go and mom didn't stop right away, he peed his pants," Emma said. "So you should listen to him."
"I gotta go!" Tyler chanted. "I gotta go! I gotta-"
"Alright!" Freddie said, quickly pulling over at a gas station. "I can pick up some aspirin while we're here too…"
…
"Emma, turn off that T.V. and do your homework!" Freddie said that evening as he chased Tyler around, trying to persuade the child to take a bath. "Ashton, how many times did I tell you to clean up your dolls? And Jason, you can't just leave that hot-glue gun plugged in like that when you're not using it! You're gonna burn this place down! Ugh, okay, where is Sam?"
Just then the front door opened and Sam walked into the house.
"Mama's home!" she announced.
"Mom!" the four kids exclaimed, running over to their mother and hugging her.
"Nice," Sam grinned, hugging them all back. She turned towards her husband. "So? How were they?"
Freddie collapsed onto the couch. "Sam…if I ever have the nerve to tell you that what you do around here isn't as stressful as my job…I'm gonna need you get the butter sock out."
"That bad?" Sam grinned.
"Oh yeah," Freddie nodded. "First there was the whole fiasco with Tyler at the doctors. The kid would not stop freaking out over getting his shot."
"Nah, he's not a fan of needles," Sam said. "But what I usually do is play the Girly Cow theme song for him. He loves it; calms him right down."
"Oh…so that's the song he was talking about," Freddie said. "Well, anyway, after that, I had to run around and deliver the other kids everything they had forgotten this morning!"
"Dude, you didn't check to make sure they had everything before you took them to school?" Sam scoffed. "Rookie mistake."
"Then I had to play chauffer and drive everybody everywhere after school!" Freddie said. "I didn't get even ten seconds to sit all day! And I didn't have a chance to do any work either! How do you do it?"
"Practice," Sam shrugged.
"Well, you're a miracle worker," Freddie said. "And baby…you deserve ten spa days a week for what you go through. I'm sorry about what I said last night…I was a jerk."
"Only kind of," Sam smiled, leaning down and kissing him. "But you look ready to rip your own hair out, which means you learned your lesson, so you're forgiven."
"Good," Freddie said, getting to his feet. "Because I'm going out."
"Where?" Sam asked.
"To the spa!"
