To Whatever End: Chapter Eighteen

-Kathryn-

Sunlight filtered lazily through the lone window as I let out a breath, squirming beneath the bedsheets for what felt like the dozenth time and twisting onto my back. After a couple days of being basically confined to this small, private room somewhere within the healing halls, I was growing restless. Once in awhile, I'd get up to go observe whatever was happening outside, but I hadn't yet been permitted to leave my room and walk around the citadel. Although, to be fair, my strength was still slowly returning to me, so I probably wouldn't have the energy to wander too far. Éomer had continued to regularly pop in and give me company, and I'd also gotten visits from Aragorn and Pippin a couple times. From what I'd been told, Erin still hadn't woken up yet, so I hadn't seen her at all, but other than that, everyone seemed to be doing well enough. We all needed some time to recover in different forms from the recent battle.

But still, I found myself growing increasingly frustrated the longer and longer I remained bedridden. I felt so useless and lethargic. All I'd really done was sleep the past few days, with the occasional light meal in between and check-ins from the healers here and there. I just wanted to be better as soon as possible so I could at least get up and stretch my legs again. Walk around, help out where I could, breathe some fresh air... the permanently sterile smell of the healing halls was starting to get to me. I stared up at the ceiling unblinking, hearing nothing but the occasional, distant chirp of a bird outside. I'd appreciated the quiet atmosphere of the healing ward at first, but now it was starting to get uncomfortable. God, what I wouldn't give for an iPod right now.

Just then, however, the silence of the room was disturbed by the soft creak of an opening door, and I instinctively pushed myself up slightly to see who'd entered. As soon as my eyes settled on the woman stepping in, though, I froze, every muscle in my body going absolutely rigid. She was new, not a healer I recognized ever seeing before, but... but young, and... ...Holy shit, she's gorgeous. I swore my heart skipped a beat as our eyes met for the briefest moment, and I nearly choked on my own words. "...Hi." Mentally, I screamed, wanting to punch myself in the face. 'Hi?!' Fucking hell, I'm an idiot. That was so stupid.

She hardly seemed to notice, though, nodding to me. "Hello, Lady Kathryn. I'm here to check on your wound and the progress of its healing." Her voice was light and airy, and her gaze piercing as she looked at me with the most warm, breathtaking amber brown eyes I'd ever seen. She offered me a polite smile before turning to prepare her things, but I could hardly tear my eyes away from her as her tall, slender frame seemed to effortlessly glide around the room. Deep copper hair flowed down her back in soft waves, drawn away from her thin face with sharp, high cheekbones. If I hadn't been able to see her rounded ears just then, I would've thought she was an elf. Oh my God. She's so cute. What the hell, she's so cute!?

Suddenly, she turned from her small table of supplies, and I hurriedly looked down at my sheets, feeling heat creep up my neck as I realized I'd been staring. She made her way over to the bed, still with a soft smile, though when I looked back at her this time I could see her eyes sparkling with interest. "I hear you took on a rather impressive enemy out on the battlefield." She glanced down at my arm as she approached. "It is no small feat to walk away from a Nazgûl and live to tell the tale."

"Admittedly, I didn't walk," I replied, hoping the joke didn't sound as lame as it felt. "I was a bit too unconscious for that."

And then the most incredible thing happened. She laughed. She laughed at my pitiful joke. Just a little bit, just the softest chuckle, but I nearly melted into a puddle on the bed anyway. "The Black Breath claims most of its victims quickly," she noted, undoing the wrapping on my arm. "You are lucky to have survived it."

I forced myself not to keep staring at her, watching as the last of the gauze was pulled away to reveal the nasty wound. It was healing, but still not a pretty sight to look at. "How long will it take to heal?"

"Hard to say," she replied, reaching for a damp cloth. "I have only treated a few such men in my lifetime, and they all took nearly six weeks to recover." A pause. "But then again, they were men. Their stubbornness and refusal to rest properly only drew the ordeal out even longer."

I raised an eyebrow. "They couldn't just lie still for a little while?"

"Oh no, of course not!" She finished wiping away the dried blood and pus, obvious sarcasm lacing her voice. "Men who lie down and actually take care of their healing bodies are weak! And we can't have people suspecting them of weakness, now can we? That would ruin everything."

Now it was my turn to laugh, and out of the corner of my eye I saw her smirk as she reached for a nearby salve. "You'd think they'd actually listen to someone who was a certified healer."

She shrugged. "So I thought. But what do I know? It's not as if I've treated hundreds of others before them."

My smile lingered, and I rolled my eyes. "Right. How dare they assume you know what you're doing?"

She laughed again, smearing the cooling medicine along my arm. For a moment, her eyes flicked to mine, and again I saw them filled with intrigue. "I'm sure they would be shocked to hear a woman bested the King of the Nazgûl."

"Well, I'm not sure I can say I bested him," I replied, nodding down to my arm. "Clearly I got my ass kicked."

"You're alive," she pointed out. "And recovering. That is better than most can say." The medicine absorbed into my skin like a lotion, and she then turned to reach for a handful of dried leaves - some fancy herb that was supposed to help absorb the last of the poison, I think. As she reached for them, though, she cast a glance back at me over her shoulder. "...Perhaps someday you can tell me the full tale of how you fought against him."

I froze again. "...Uh, yeah! Sure, I mean..." Fuck. Kathryn, get it together! For God's sake, say something intelligent! "...Yeah. I can, sometime." Oh my God. I hate myself.

Another smile. "Good. We'll be seeing each other often enough for the next few weeks, so it should make for interesting conversation." She lined the leaves up along my forearm perfectly, cupping her hands and pressing them into the skin as she went. "How is the numbness? Can you feel my touch?"

Again, I felt a burning heat on my neck as she asked about the one thing I'd been trying very hard not to think about just then. "Only slightly," I managed. "And my whole arm still feels cold. It's better than yesterday, though."

She nodded. "That is good. Signs of a strong, fast recovery." She let the leaves sit on my arm, reaching for fresh bandages to re-wrap and finish the job. "...Though hopefully not too fast," she added, glancing up.

What? I looked up just as she returned her attention to my arm. I... what?! Was that... is she...? I swallowed, my stomach doing flip-flops as I spoke with a deceptively calm voice. "I guess we'll have to wait and see. Who knows? I could end up being the worst patient in the world, just like all those other men you treated."

As she finished wrapping my arm, she paused, then stood with a small smirk. "I doubt that, Lady Kathryn," she said, eyes returning to mine for just a fraction of a second too long. "You seem as though you'll make a most wonderful patient."

She turned away to collect her things before I could respond, and in all honesty, I'm glad she did, because otherwise she would've seen my eyes go wide as I drew back in utter shock. On one hand, it had been a perfectly normal response, but something about the way she'd said it... Oh my God, what? WHAT?! Is she gay? Was that - was she just- Holy shit, she's so cute, oh my God, what do I do? At first, I could only watch in shock and disbelief as she smoothly gathered up all her supplies and strode back to her table by the door, returning everything to its proper place and clearing away all the old bandages to be thrown out. It didn't occur to me to actually speak up again until she'd turned to leave, and only then did I snap out of my daze. "You can just call me Kathryn," I blurted, causing her to stop just as she opened the door. "And..." I blinked, realizing my stupidity as the question I'd somehow forgotten about through our entire exchange dawned on me. "I'm sorry, I never asked you your name."

She turned her head just enough for me to see her smile past a curtain of auburn hair. "...Míriel."

And then she was gone. Without another word, she stepped through the doorframe and disappeared from sight, leaving me shellshocked and openly staring at the space where she'd just been. For a moment, I didn't move, slowly coming back to my senses as I tried to process what had just happened. I sunk back into the pile of pillows, eyes turning to the ceiling again as I tested the name on my lips. "Míriel..." My face still felt warm as I remembered her eyes, and her laugh, her laugh that somehow had managed to light up the entire room on its own. I let out a breath, her image still in my mind as I desperately hoped she would become my regular healer. These healing halls had just gotten way more interesting.

-Erin-

Three days.

Three days since the battle had ended.

Three days since... since we'd lost her.

I could barely make sense of it as I sat on the edge of my bed, staring out into the gloom of a grey, overcast sky covering the Pelennor. Everything felt numb and hollow. A colorless, silent purgatory, my mind turned to static. I felt like I'd fallen into some ruined, alternate timeline that was never meant to exist, that wasn't real, but... but it was, wasn't it? It was real. Cruel, and ugly, and painful... and real. I'd been sitting in silence for so long now - hours, maybe? I couldn't tell - trying to come to terms with it. The first thing I'd asked when I'd woken that morning, and the answer I'd been given that just... that shattered everything. Kaia was gone. She was completely and utterly gone. And I couldn't understand it, I didn't know why... why it had happened, or how it was even possible. I couldn't escape the image of it; the only thing I could think about was seeing her crushed within the Fell Beast's jaws, seeing her hit the ground, and - I shut my eyes, feeling broken on every level beyond repair. I should've been there sooner. I should've seen it, should've warned her... But I hadn't been. I'd been too late, and now she was dead. And beyond almost anything else, I hated myself for allowing it to happen. I hated myself for not knowing and not stopping it.

A cool breeze blew across the room from the open balcony, and I shivered, pulling a blanket up around my shoulders. It still seemed unbelievable, like some sick joke. How could she be gone? How could Kaia really and truly be gone? One of the closest friends I'd ever had - one I'd loved like she was my own flesh and blood... and it felt like it was my fault, all my fault because Merry hadn't been there. He hadn't been there to save Éowyn, and the Witch-King had gotten away... and now Kaia was dead. All because Merry hadn't been there. All because of things I messed up months and months ago. A lump rose in my throat, and I felt tears well up, but didn't have the strength to try and hold them back now. I should never have pushed her to go with the Fellowship in the first place, I thought. She could've been safe in Lothlórien still, she'd still be alive if not for me. I should've told her to stay.

But then Aragorn would be dead, another part of me argued. You saw the Beast dive for him. If not for Kaia, he would've been the one slaughtered. And then where would we be? Without Aragorn, there'd be no hope left for Men. The line of kings would be finished, there'd be no one left to bring peace to these lands. She did what she judged to be right.

But knowing it did nothing to make it easier. My fists curled a little tighter into the blanket, and again I saw her falling in my mind, dead before she even hit the ground. Tears fell freely down my face, and I let out a shuddering breath, guilt and grief and a pain unlike anything I'd ever known all twisting together into one horrible, bitter despair burning in my chest. Why? Why her, and not me? Why her, and not anybody else? I would've happily given my life in place of hers. If anyone deserved to die in this war, it was me. Not Kaia. Never Kaia. I felt like I'd utterly failed her. All this time, I'd been so intent on protecting those I loved, and in the moment she'd needed me most, I wasn't there for her. And now she was gone. Again and again, it all ran circles in my head, an endless spiral I couldn't pull myself out of. This was life now. But I still didn't understand, couldn't think straight. I couldn't think anything else except why and this doesn't make sense and please God, she can't be gone. And it all still felt numb.

Just then, I heard the quiet creak of the door opening behind me, and I almost wanted to tell whoever it was to leave without even looking back. I didn't have it in me to put up with people right now, I just didn't. But after a moment's hesitation, I turned, and when I saw who stood in the doorway I almost collapsed in relief. For a few brief seconds, neither of us moved, staring at each other wordlessly. And then I was on my feet, and she tore across the room, and as we collided I felt a gasping breath escape me - she was alive, oh my God, she was alive. I felt tears running down my face still as I hugged her hard, and she returned it, and when we finally drew apart I could hardly speak. "...You're still here..."

Kathryn nodded, wiping at her own face and offering a watery smile. "Yeah, Erin. I'm here."

"Oh God, I thought..." I trailed off, shaking my head as I remembered the state I'd left her in. "...I thought I'd lost you, too."

"No," she assured me. "I'm going to be okay. Took a nasty hit, but... I'll make it." She gestured to her arm, and I glanced down, noticing it bandaged and wrapped tightly to her chest. But then Kathryn's dark eyes returned to me. "What about you? They told me you woke up this morning."

"Yeah," I nodded, still dazed. "Yeah, I'm... I'm alright, I guess. Could be a lot better, but... I'll live." It fell silent then, and for a fleeting moment everything was okay, the two of us just thankful that the other had breath in their lungs. But then Kathryn's gaze shifted, catching sight of something further behind me, and her face fell. I knew exactly what she was looking at, I shouldn't have even glanced back, but I did anyway, and as soon as I saw the familiar pair of black blades leaning up against the wall, I felt any composure I had left crumble. I sucked in a breath, turning away quickly, but it was too much, it was all too much, I couldn't handle it. "Kathryn... Kathryn, she-" My voice broke, and I threw myself at her again, unable to hold myself back as I wept into her shoulder. It shouldn't have been her, she should still be here. Why is this happening? Why her, why Kaia? I could feel Kathryn crying with me, the two of us grieving together over her. "...She was supposed to make it," I whispered. "We were all supposed to make it, I... That's all I ever wanted."

"I know," Kathryn replied. "I know." We stayed like that for a little while longer until she finally pulled away again and moved past me, heading toward the signature weapons. All of Kaia's things had been there when I'd woken, neatly laid out across an unused table. I hated constantly seeing them, though, only serving as another inescapable reminder of her loss. Kathryn stopped as she stood before the blades, hesitating briefly before reaching out to graze her fingers over one.

I drew my blanket up around my shoulders again, taking a few steps forward. "...What should we do with them?"

She'd picked one up now, the two swords still in their sheaths, but no longer attached to any belt. At first, Kathryn said nothing, eyes tracing over its form slowly, and I saw my own pain and grief echoed in her. But then she spoke, soft yet with finality. "...We'll wield them together," she said. "One for you, one for me." A pause. "She'd want it that way."

I nodded, biting my lip as she picked up the second blade and turned to hand it to me. As soon as I took it, though, I felt fresh tears rolling down my face again, feeling the full weight of Kaia's death bearing down on me, almost suffocating. It felt wrong for me to take it, it felt wrong. "It's my fault," I sobbed, shaking my head. "It's my fault - this never should've happened, it wouldn't... She would still be here if I hadn't-"

"No, Erin," Kathryn protested. "It's not your fault."

"But it is!" I said. "It is, because Merry wasn't there, and that messed everything up, and I was stupid back at Amon Hen and he got killed and -"

"Erin, no, listen to me." She cut me off, suddenly stepping forward with a seriousness in her voice that made me pause. "Listen to me. I'm telling you, it's not your fault. It's not. Not yours, or Merry's, or anybody else's."

I stared back at her, unsettled by her somber expression as her dark eyes bored into mine. "...What do you mean?"

For an impossibly long moment, Kathryn just looked at me, and I could see a hint of remorse in her gaze, almost as if she didn't want to answer. But finally, she sighed, shoulders slumping as she nodded towards my bed. "Sit with me for a minute. I... Erin, there's something you need to know."

-Faramir-

Apprehension rose in my chest as I turned a final corner in the halls of the citadel, my destination within sight now as I slowed my pace. At first I felt foolish to feel such anxiety, brow creasing as I stopped just before the old wooden door. What reason do I have to feel such unease over this? I barely know her. It's not as if I've come to offer her a proposal. But then I paused, remembering all that had happened since the last time we'd spoken. ...Perhaps it is warranted after all. Forcing aside the last of my hesitance, I raised a hand to knock on the door, hoping I'd gotten the correct room.

My hopes were realized shortly after as a quiet voice sounded from the other side. "Come on in." Taking a breath to calm myself, I reached for the handle and slowly opened the door, stepping inside as my eyes immediately swept the room. Erin was once again stretched out across her bed fast asleep, a thin blanket cast over her small form, and I could see many of young Peregrin's belongings still haphazardly scattered everywhere around the second bed nearby which he clearly still occupied as well. Mithrandir, however, had just been moved into his own private room earlier that day, and my gaze quickly fell to she who'd taken up residence in the wizard's place. She sat upright on her bed with her back to me, not immediately turning at my entry. "My arm's still hurting, but I think the medicines are working okay. I've at least gotten some feeling back in it again."

I stepped further into the room, realizing she'd mistaken me for a healer. "You're a very lucky woman," I replied.

The moment I spoke, she straightened, head immediately whipping around, and as soon as she saw me her dark eyes widened in shock. Kathryn quickly got to her feet, clearly surprised by the unexpected visit. "...Faramir?"

I nodded, not entirely sure how to respond. "Yes, I... I came to see you." I moved a bit closer to stand by the foot of her bed. She looked no different than the last time I'd seen her, the same dark-haired woman I remembered from Ithilien. There was a brief stretch of silence before I found my voice again. "...It's been some time, hasn't it?"

"Uh... yeah. Yeah, it has," she agreed. "...How've you been?"

"Well, I've certainly seen better days in my lifetime," I admitted. "But I've also seen worse." I glanced down to her bandaged arm. "I heard you showed quite a display of bravery on the battlefield."

She rolled her eyes. "I think most people would call it stupidity, but... yeah, that happened. To be honest, I still don't know how I managed to get out of it alive."

"You have strength in you," I answered. "The Nazgûl are no easily defeated foes."

"You're telling me." We both chuckled at that, and it then fell silent once again, neither of us quite sure where to begin with each other. This time, however, it was Kathryn who spoke up first, her tone sobering as she looked at me. "It's good to see you, Faramir." But then her gaze fell to the floor. "I, um... I'm sorry I ditched you back in Ithilien. I didn't really want to leave so abruptly, but..."

I shook my head. "No, I understand. You felt called to return to your companions."

"Yeah." More silence. My gaze began to drift around the room, a dozen different questions running through my mind, and somehow I was unable to settle on just one. I could sense the same unease in Kathryn as well, and for a moment we simply stood there until she let out a breath. "Listen, Faramir, I... I just wanted to tell you, about everything I said before I left..." She looked up to me again. "I'm sorry," she said quietly. "I shouldn't have just dumped all that on you and left. And I want you to know, I never meant to ruin Boromir's image for you - what he was to you, I mean. I know you thought the world of him, and I didn't want to tell you about his downfall and put a stain on that, but... you deserved to know. You needed to know to understand."

I could not help the dull pain that still surfaced at the image of his smiling face in my mind. "He was my brother," I said, "and I loved him as such. I knew him as a proud, strong warrior, with a noble heart." Kathryn's gaze grew distant as I spoke, and I suspected she had once held him in the same light as well. "But he was not without his faults," I went on. "No man is." I looked outward to the glimpses of the city that could be seen from the balcony, comforted by the sight of silver-veined marble shimmering in the light of the day. "...Boromir loved this city and its people. And he was always proud, so proud of Men... for their strength and resilience, and how we persevered day after day in the face of such dark times." The jagged, black mountaintops in the distance cut into blazing red skies bleeding out across the horizon from Mordor's depths. "But his pride was always a weakness of his. He was desperate to save Gondor... we all were. The Ring used that against him." Oh, how I wished it could have been different. How I wished he could be standing here beside us on this very day, smiling down on our White City as silver trumpets rang triumphant in the distance.

"But he died with redemption." Kathryn's voice drew me back to her, and now I saw her expression soften, a true sincerity in her words. "I want you to know that, too, Faramir. Before the very end, he realized his mistakes. He overcame the seduction of the Ring, and he died fighting to protect Pippin, Merry, and Kaia from harm. He put his own desires aside and fought to see the quest succeed - fought for the good of Middle-Earth. And for you, Faramir. He loved you."

Though I had always known it in my heart, hearing it from Kathryn stirred a deep warmth within me I had not felt in an age. Remember today, little brother. I swallowed, struggling to speak past the thickness of my own voice. "...I thought of everything you told me long after we went our separate ways," I said. "And when we reached Osgiliath, I... I realized you were right." Her eyes snapped up to meet mine, hope sparking in them. "No such evil belongs in Minas Tirith. I trust my brother's word, and if he so deeply trusted you, then I trust yours as well. Frodo and Sam escaped Osgiliath to continue with their mission unharmed."

Kathryn drew back slightly. "You let them go?"

"Yes," I nodded. "I let them go."

An audible sigh of relief escaped her then, and I saw her relax as she shifted to lean her weight against the bed. "Oh, thank God." She turned to face the outward horizon, looking to the East where the two Halflings and their skulking guide now roamed freely, slowly inching their way into the black lands of Mordor. "You did the right thing, Faramir," she said quietly. "I can promise you, it'll prove worth it in the end that you put your faith in them."

I followed her gaze, wondering if they were even still alive. Let us hope.

Just then, however, Kathryn shifted, glancing back over her shoulder briefly to me with a returning uncertainty in her words. "Will there be... consequences at all? To what I did? I imagine your father's probably not too happy that I ignored orders to be brought to him."

At the mention of him, I stilled, jaw tightening as a sharp grief pierced me like ice. She did not know. I swallowed, still somewhat unwilling to speak the words aloud. "He... My father is dead," I whispered.

Kathryn turned back in shock, eyes wide at my confession. "What? Oh my God... Faramir, I'm so sorry, I had no idea-"

I shook my head. "It is no fault of yours. He fell prey to Sauron so long ago, and it instilled madness in him, and such despair..." For a moment, I trailed off, unable to find the proper words. "I thought that the destruction of the palantír might've saved him, but... he lost too much of himself, and his will to continue on with it." My gaze had fallen to the floor by now, and I felt the weight of guilt sinking into my stomach like a stone. For even as cold and cruel as he had been to me, he was still my father. And I could not help but feel I had failed him by finding no way to spare him from his grief. It was never a fate I wanted him to choose for himself.

Suddenly, I was shaken from my thoughts as Kathryn drew closer and pulled me into an embrace without a word. On instinct, I tensed at the unexpected action, but then began to soften to it, eventually wrapping my arms around her as well in acceptance. It should've felt strange and uncomfortable, but it did not. It felt... genuine. "...Thank you."

She drew back as I spoke, brow creased in confusion. "For what?"

"Everything," I answered. "You've done so much for me, even when I was little more than a stranger to you." Then I hesitated. "...True friends are often hard to come by these days."

Kathryn blinked, a small smile beginning to creep across her face. "Well then I guess you'd better work hard to keep me around, huh?"

I chuckled, smiling back. "I suppose I should."

-Erin-

Everything was still as I watched the sun dip lower along the horizon, the skies above burning breathtaking smears of pinks and oranges as another day faded to its end. I stood along the railing of our room's balcony in my nightclothes, a sheet loosely thrown over my shoulders from when I'd crawled out of bed awhile ago. I'd thought about leaving the room to go find Kathryn or get something to eat, but in the end resigned myself to just standing on the balcony in silence instead. I didn't have the energy for anything else, really. I still needed time.

I closed my eyes against the warmth of the sun, taking a deep breath and desperately trying to find even the smallest fraction of peace. It felt like everything I'd once known had been a lie. When Kathryn had explained everything to me... told me about the reason for Kaia's death, I... I'd barely been able to believe it. I hadn't wanted to, and in some ways it only made me feel more guilty. More ashamed of myself. She'd been my best friend, and yet kept such a massive secret from me for months. One of the only people in Middle-Earth that she should've felt safe to trust with anything, and yet she hadn't. ...Why?

You know why, a part of me immediately shot back. Because you wouldn't have accepted it. You would've tried to stop her from doing it, and Kaia knew that. She knew she had to die, and she knew that if she told you, you'd never let it happen.

I couldn't deny that. I opened my eyes again, watching as the fields and city below were bathed in sunset glow. I would've tried to save her. I would've thrown myself in front of that wraith before I let her do it, if I would've known. And that's not how it was supposed to happen. As difficult as it was to admit; as much as I hated to even think of accepting the fact... the longer I sat with it, the more I knew it was true. Kaia's sacrifice had a purpose. She'd chosen to do it for the sake of a better world and a better future. It wasn't anything I was meant to change, even though I wanted to. But it still hurt. God, it still hurt like hell. My gaze drifted downward, knowing deep down it wasn't doing me any good to keep sulking by myself in my room all the time. I should just go out and see people - at least walk around the citadel a bit, but...

...But you're afraid to. Because if you do, you might run into him.

And there it was. Him. The elf I hadn't seen once since I'd awoken, largely because I'd intentionally hidden myself away in my room for the past five days since I'd regained consciousness. Even thinking about him now made my stomach twist in knots. For so long, I'd been tearing myself to pieces over him, over how I loved him and so desperately wanted to tell him but felt like I never could. And now he was here in Minas Tirith, no longer thousands of miles away in Edoras, and I had nowhere else to run. I had to make a decision. To tell him, or to not. For a moment, my gaze fell to my hands, anxiously twisting the rings on my fingers, and I let my mind go blank, relishing in the calmness of the atmosphere. My breaths deepened, and I thought of home, almost laughing to myself as I remembered my old life on Earth and all the 'problems' I'd had to deal with then. They all seemed so trivial now. In many ways, I still wished I could return to that.

But then all of a sudden, I registered the feeling of eyes at my back, and when I turned, I stilled, an all too familiar ice blue gaze freezing me in place. In an instant, the entire atmosphere shifted, and I felt like I couldn't breathe. Terror gripped me hard, and I wanted to run, but I couldn't. I had nowhere to go. I was afraid to move, as if the whole room had suddenly turned to glass that might shatter beneath even the lightest step. And so for several long, bloated minutes, I simply stared at him, and he at me, neither of us uttering a single word. I felt every inch like a deer in the headlights, but what struck me more was the apprehension in his own stance - the stiffness in his shoulders that felt so... formal. Unfamiliar. Tension crackled in the air between us, swelling and filling the entire room as I struggled to say anything at all, but Legolas finally beat me to it, his smooth, even tenor cutting through the space. "I am glad to see you recovering."

Somehow, the politeness of it stung. My tongue felt heavy, but I forced myself to nod and push words out anyway. "Yeah... It's, uh, it's going well." More silence, and my hands moved to twist and pick at the fabric wrapped around my body.

Legolas' cool stare lingered on me a moment longer before he shifted, stepping further into the room as the door fell shut behind him. He opened his mouth to speak, but then closed it again, shaking his head as his gaze dropped to the floor. "I am sorry I failed you," he said, and at first I frowned, not following. "I swore to you I would keep Kaia and Kathryn safe, and I did not."

Pain flared in my chest at her name, and I closed my eyes against it, crossing my arms over my chest with a sigh. "That's not on you," I said quietly. "Kathryn told me everything, and I..." I paused, turning back towards the balcony and the view of the Pelennor far below. "...She did what she had to do."

My heart leapt into my throat as I registered the sound of footsteps coming closer, but I didn't dare tear my eyes away from the movements of men still working to clean the bloodstained battlefield. Every single second seemed to drag until I could feel him standing there, close enough now for me to smell the familiar mix of pine and earth, and though every part of my conscience was screaming at me to say something, anything, I just couldn't pull words together. But if not now, when? I watched as another pyre was lit, dark smoke lazily drifting upwards into the painted sky. What benefit did it bring me to keep putting this off? I'd spent weeks imagining this moment, preparing for it, obsessing over it, and now we were here. After all this time, was I really just going to stand around and say nothing? The slightest frown pulled at my lips, my focus no longer on the men in the distance. If I let him walk away from me now, I'll regret it forever.

"...I thought you were dying."

I blinked, abruptly ripped from my thoughts as I turned to look at Legolas where he now stood at my side, leaning against the balcony's rail. "What?"

He was looking down, as if to the city beneath us, though his gaze was distant and far away. "When you collapsed on the battlefield," he muttered. "I thought-" Words fell silent, and his jaw clenched shut. "I thought we were losing you, too."

For a moment, I just looked at him, trying yet failing to read him. But I merely shook my head, attempting to diffuse the tension somewhat with a chuckle. "Well, I'm still here," I smirked. "You'd need more than a couple nasty scratches to take me down."

Out of the corner of my eye, I swear I almost caught him smiling to himself. "I know." But then he turned to look at me, and despite myself, I couldn't help but look back at him, nearly regretting it as brilliant blue eyes locked onto me with such an intensity I felt like I could drop to the floor beneath the weight of them. They were as tumultuous as the sea itself then - a million different emotions swirling together, none of which I could pin - holding an almost frantic energy I'd never seen in him before. But then something within them shifted, and his expression softened as his gaze fell to my abdomen. "Gandalf says these wounds were not sustained in the battle."

My hand subconsciously drifted to the bandages, and I bit my lip. "...No," I admitted.

Legolas' brow creased, just like it always did when he was questioning something. Again, there was a beat of silence, as if he had a million questions bouncing around in his head before finally settling on one. "Why did you do it?"

The question caught me off-guard, but I answered without hesitation. "Because I wanted to help them," I said, letting out a breath and looking back to the Pelennor. "That was all I ever wanted when I started this whole journey. I wanted to do whatever I could to help preserve this beautiful world and its people; to keep Middle-Earth safe. Not for me, just... I never wanted to see it fall." I shook my head as memories from the past came to the forefront of my mind - ones I wished I could forget. "But then, I... I strayed away from that, and I started making mistakes. I was hurting people, and trying to manipulate them for the things I wanted, the things I thought this world needed... and I was wrong." I stared blankly forward, still feeling a lingering hollowness in my chest. "I turned into a monster," I whispered. "The ugliest version of myself that I never even knew existed." Another pause. "And by the time I realized it, I mean, it was mostly too late, but..." I trailed off, closing my eyes with another shake of the head. "I didn't want to stay there," I said. "Not that I can undo any of it, or... or make amends for any of it, or change what happened, I just..." I stopped, collecting myself as my eyes opened. "I'm trying to be... better. To be more like the woman I used to be, and not... whatever I became."

It was dead silent for several seconds as I stood there, lost in thought, so much that I almost didn't catch Legolas' quiet response when it came. "...You were never a monster, Erin."

At that, I scoffed. "I was damn close."

I felt him shift then, his gaze falling on me, and when he spoke it was softer somehow. "No monster ever sees the error of their ways and admits to them. Nor do they recognize and pursue a path of change." I turned to face him despite every sensible part of me screaming not to, unable to look away as he held my gaze. Gone was any remnant of tension in his stance or face, a warmth in his eyes now that felt familiar. He hesitated only slightly, as if choosing each word with the utmost care. "The woman I know is not a monster."

All of a sudden, something stirred in my chest, and I blinked, feeling drawn inward inexplicably. There had been something different in his voice then, something gentle, and deeper, and... I stared up at him, pulse quickening, voice barely above a whisper. "Then what am I?"

I saw the flash of apprehension in his eyes for a fraction of a second, yet he moved closer, a strange haze falling over us both. "What?"

"What am I, Legolas?" I asked again. My heart leapt into my throat, but I refused to let it choke me. Not now. He knew what I was asking. He knew.

Still, there was a flicker of doubt that lingered as he stood there, teetering on the edge. "Erin..."

I swallowed, goosebumps dancing on my skin as I dared to lean forward ever so slightly. "...What am I to you?"

For a moment, time seemed to freeze as we stood there, hovering mere inches apart, both of us afraid to move any further. But then he did, banishing the remaining distance between us as his lips met mine, and suddenly everything else faded away. My mind went blank as I felt his hand graze my neck, felt myself lean into him as he drew me closer. Lightning danced at my fingertips as they slipped through his hair, and I kissed him back with a desperate energy I'd never known, fire in my veins as the last rays of the fading sun washed over me. In that moment, there was nothing else that mattered, no war, no death, no amount of grief that could lay a finger on me. There was nothing except him and me, together, and that surpassed everything else.

He broke the kiss, drawing back to press his forehead against mine, and we lingered there in stillness, not a word passing between us. It felt so perfect and familiar, and I wondered then how I'd ever managed to survive so long without Legolas at my side. My eyes fluttered open to look at him, really look at him, and as my fingers trailed his jawline I started to smile, feeling a wonderful warmth begin to swell in my chest. But then I remembered where I was, and who I was, and the world I was in, and suddenly the whispering voice at the back of my mind I'd been trying to ignore for weeks hissed in my ear, and I faltered. No. He's not yours. I drew my hand away from his face just as he opened his eyes, and the warmth disappeared as I stepped back, shaking my head. "...I'm sorry," I whispered. "I... I shouldn't have..." At a loss for words, I sucked in a breath and walked away, all of a sudden unable to face him.

"Erin?" His voice stopped me in my tracks, listening as he spoke from behind. "...You have nothing to be sorry for."

I could hear the hurt and confusion in his voice and squeezed my eyes shut against it, again shaking my head. "No, I do. I'm sorry for this. For all of this." It took all my willpower to turn back to him, but I did, looking at him now from across the room. Again, the words bubbled in my chest, and I didn't want to speak them, but it was all too strong now, too much for me to subdue. "...I love you," I finally blurted out. "I've known that for so long, and I should've told you, but... I never - I didn't want to hurt you, and I thought that would make it harder..." I paused, taking a breath. "Harder to walk away."

At those words, his face fell, and he drew back slightly, and immediately I regretted it, feeling a heat creep up my neck. "...Do you mean that?" he asked, barely louder than my own breaths. "Truly?"

"Of course I do," I answered in utter transparency. "Of course I love you. More than anyone or anything I've ever known."

Legolas' eyes were wide with shock, though they softened as he slowly stepped forward, looking to me in disbelief. "What in all Arda ever drove you to believe that would hurt me?"

"Because I wanted to make it easier for you," I said. "I didn't want you to feel guilty, I didn't want you to pity me-"

"You thought I could never love you?"

I froze as he stopped just in front of me, the question hanging between us as he stared down at me, brow creased, something hidden within those striking eyes I couldn't understand. My heart thundered in my chest as I looked back at him. "...Do you?"

Silence. Dead silence for several seconds as I held his gaze, waiting. Legolas just looked at me for an agonizingly long moment, unreadable, unwavering, mouth pressed into a thin line. But then he looked down, gently reaching out to close his hands around mine, his words soft and low. "I do," he said, "and I was a fool to not realize it sooner than this."

As soon as he said it, time came to a screeching halt, and for a second I thought my heart stopped dead in my chest as I froze, staring at him wide-eyed. "...What?"

A ghost of a smile passed over his face at my utterly bewildered expression, as if he himself couldn't believe my shock. "Erin... In these past years, I have faced a lifetime of adventure with you. Together we have walked through war, death, and all manner of grief and treachery..." His gaze grew distant for a moment, but soon returned, eyes boring into mine with intense sincerity. "And in all that time, I came to realize that there was no one - not one other in all Arda I would have rather endured it with than you." His hands tightened ever so slightly around my own. "I do not wish to imagine a world that exists without you at my side," he murmured, eyes downcast. "Far too many times, I have come dangerously close to it."

Still, I could only stand there slack-jawed, entirely at a loss for words. "But... how?" I asked. "After everything I've done... everything I am... how could you possibly love me?" How could anyone, let alone him? It didn't seem real.

Legolas frowned. "Because I look at you and I see a woman of strength," he said. "Of compassion, and fierce loyalty, and an unwavering spirit of light and laughter. One who would sacrifice everything to see this world made a better place." He paused, reaching to gently brush the hair from my face, cliché as it was. "I see a woman who is all but fearless, determined... even in the face of death itself. And that is the woman I love." At that moment, he drew his hand away, reaching into his tunic for some small object he then pressed into my palm, and when I looked down I nearly caved at the sight of the familiar silver pendant bearing a single shimmering stone. "...My heart is yours," he whispered, "if you would have it."

I stared down at the delicate thing as he slipped it into my hands, my thumb slowly tracing the familiar jewel. That... this can't be possible. He really... he really loves me? I didn't know what to do with myself, lifting my eyes to meet his. "...Legolas..." Before I could say another word, he kissed me again, tender and soft, and again I found myself all but melting into it, into him, barely able to wrap my mind around everything that was happening, and... Legolas loves me. Legolas loves me. Oh my God... It was all I could think and feel for a moment, and it was magical. But as I kissed him, my hand tightened around the necklace, and then suddenly I found myself stalling, drawing back again. Because I loved him, and he loved me, but...

"Erin?" He noticed as soon as I pulled away, a dull confusion clouding his eyes as I stepped back. "...Will you not take it?"

I stopped, glancing down to the pendant still in my grasp. I wanted to. I wanted so badly to take it, just take it and forget the rest of the world. But I couldn't, I knew I couldn't. "I don't know if I should." I looked to him again, and still I could see he didn't understand, and I sighed. "If I do," I asked, "what happens? We go back to the way things were? Because I don't know how easy it'll be for us to do that now, Legolas." I paused, eyes falling to my hands again. "I don't know how well that'd work out for you."

I felt him shift closer. "What do you fear?"

"For you," I answered, hazel eyes meeting blue. "For your future."

At that, his frown deepened ever so slightly. "My future?" He shook his head. "It is mine to command as I will. And if I should choose you to be a part of that future, nothing will take that away from me. My father and my people will say whatever they wish to say, but it will change nothing. If they would turn you away at the gates to my father's halls, I would turn with you."

I bit my lip, closing my eyes against him. "Legolas, it's not that simple -"

"It is." He reached forward to clasp his hands around mine, forcing me to hold his gaze as he spoke every word with a deep conviction. "I care nothing for what they expect of me, Erin, you know that. I know the consequences of my ac-"

"No!" I cried suddenly, tearing my hands free of his as I jerked back. I felt a lump rise in my throat as I opened my eyes again to look at him, and I hated it, I hated seeing the look on his face, the worry in his eyes as my hands fell uselessly to my sides. "No, you don't," I said, my voice wavering. "Not fully." My stomach curled into knots as I stood there before him, and for a moment I had no words to say, nothing at all. I didn't want to have this conversation, I'd been dreading it since the moment he walked into the room. But I had to. I had to tell him. I swallowed, the air feeling thick around me as I unwillingly reached up to graze my abdomen. "How much did Gandalf tell you about these wounds?"

Legolas hesitated for a moment, but answered truthfully. "That you obtained them through the destruction of a palantír. That the explosion tore you apart and nearly killed you." A pause. "That it would have, had Faramir not brought you to Gandalf in time for him to miraculously spare your life."

I nodded. "Yeah. Yeah, he did... Gandalf saved my life that day. I would've bled out and died, but he worked his magic on me and healed me." My jaw clenched, and I found myself struggling to hold his gaze as I remembered my dream. "But he couldn't fix everything." His brow creased, and I sucked in a breath, all but forcing the words out. "...Legolas, I can't have children," I said. "Ever."

Any hint of confusion in his face immediately vanished as his expression went blank, and in that moment I wanted nothing more than to sink into the floor and disappear. A cold, chilling silence swept the room as it hit him, his gaze falling away. I knew what this meant for him, and I hated myself for it. He was crown prince of the Woodland Realm, and one day when he became king, that role would demand an heir from him. There was no one else to further their line... no one except Legolas. And now, if he chose me, any hope of that happening would be gone. "...I'm sorry," I finally whispered, hanging my head.

Legolas blinked, snapping out of his momentary daze to look back at me. "No, Erin... it was not by your doing."

"I know," I said. "I just... I wish it was different."

He shifted ever so slightly, and I knew he wanted to say something reassuring, but... this wasn't just a minor obstacle for him. We both knew that. It was quiet, impossibly quiet for a minute longer until he finally moved forward, pulling me into his arms as I curled into his chest. We stayed that way for what seemed like forever, neither of us knowing what else to do until he found his voice again, low and faint in my ear. "...I still love you."

Pain struck my chest, and I shut my eyes against it. "I love you too," I whispered back. "But I don't want you to choose me if it means you throw the rest of your life away. With this, and how much your father and your people will despise me, and all the mistakes I've made..." I drew back just enough to look up at him. "It's just... it's a lot."

There was a deep uncertainty in his gaze now, mirrored in me all the same. "So what are we to do, then?"

I wished more than anything I could give him a better answer, but I couldn't. "...I don't know. You have to do what's best for you, whatever that might mean." Again, I glanced down to the silver necklace in my hand. "Trust me, I would love more than anything to make this work. I'm just not sure if we can. And you've got to be the one to make that decision, not me."

Legolas shook his head in disbelief, a dry smirk pulling at the corner of his mouth. "There can never be a simple answer, can there?"

I sighed. "Not with us, I guess." Seeing the crestfallen expression return to him, though, I softened, reaching up to gently cup his jaw. "Hey." His eyes met mine again, and I held his gaze with unshakeable sincerity. "I will be here for you, if you decide you want to run with this. But only if you're dead certain it's what you want. Okay?" He nodded, and I paused, overcome with the desire to whisper the words again. "...Le melin." [I love you.]

He smiled, even if only a little, leaning down to place a soft kiss on my head before finally releasing me and stepping back. For a moment, he stopped, as if he wanted to say one last thing, but nothing came, and before long Legolas had turned to step past me, quickly moving to the door and slipping out without another word. As the door fell shut behind him, my gaze returned to the silver pendant in my hand, staring down at it blankly as a dozen different emotions all swirled within me at the same time. And I said nothing, did nothing, thought of nothing else as the last of the sun sank below the horizon and the city fell to dusk, the uncertainty of what was to come settling heavy on my heart.

A/N: YIKES this update took awhile. But also I think it's the longest chapter out of this entire series, so I guess that's something? Anyway I've literally been writing and rewriting that final big Erin/Legolas reunion scene for like 3 months so I hope it satisfies! Things will surely be interesting in the chapters to come.

Thank you all so much for reading + reviewing!