Thank you so much for reading! I know some of you are wondering at which point Loki grew feelings for Jane and I promise all will be answered soon! For now, enjoy this little tidbit! TW: mention of suicide
Hunny xo
The tub oozes over with thick crimson water. It sloshes over the edge and splashes to the floor, viscous like blood. Jane stifles a scream and wrenches her hands out of the water. The red leaks from her skin.
Is this what you want? A voice like fire crackles in her mind. The water laughs at Jane, bubbling like that woman from her dreams. Jane stares in horror at her wrists at the slashed flesh, open and gaping. Blood streams from her in a never-ending flow. A single, terrifying thought rises to the surface of Jane's overflowing mind: What if I never left my mind?
A sinkhole opens in Jane's chest.
What if what woke up wasn't me? Am I still dreaming?
"No no no no," Jane lips tremble. Jane slams her eyes shut and tries to breath but her chest is tight like a noose. "This is a dream. Just a dream." She sucks in a deep breath and pushes is out. In and out. In and out. But the water around her breaks her concentration, it's so warm. Too warm. She tries not to think about the blood pooling around her. "Just a dream…"
Cool hands wrap around her wrists and for a moment Jane thinks it is Loki but when she opens her eyes it is herself. But this Jane sitting in the tub across from her is very different. This Jane's hair is thick and black, hanging in smoky tendrils around her face. The skin is pale and ashy, like the moments Jane awoke on her bed moments after bursting into flames. The cheeks are gaunt and bony, the eyes are two glowing red embers staring back at Jane.
Jane cowers back from her devilish reflection, eyes wide.
"You're not real." Jane's voice is a whisper, more to herself than to the thing across from her. The reflection makes a deep throaty sound with an open, blackened smile in a twisted form of laughter.
"I'm an entirely real. You made me," The reflection chuckles. Thin, sharp fingers creep from the water and grip both of Jane's bleeding wrists. Jane yelps when the creature digs its nails into the open wounds.
"It could all be over…You can end this pain."
"No! No!" Jane tries to wriggle away from the demon, water splattering to the floor.
"This is what you'll become," The reflection warns with a smile. What did it mean? Jane's gaze moves from her slashed wrists, to the water, to the creature and that's when Jane realizes that this isn't some demon but the Aether. Not it's true form, that still lied wrapped up in Jane's memories, but this… This is what it wants to become. This misshapen version of herself, one consumed by fire and hatred. This has been its endgame all along. But why would it show her? Why would the Aether reveal itself to Jane?
Just then, there is a knock at the door. Jane shakes herself from the burning eyes of the Aether.
"Jane?" Loki's voice is thick, almost hoarse. "Jane are you alright?"
Jane looks back to the Aether but…it's gone. The water is clear. Her wrists are uncut. It had all been a vision. Or worse…a promise? Has all the Aether been doing this entire time was driving Jane over the edge to suicide? Jane rubs the pale skin of her wrists.
"I'm fine." Jane says, but the shake in her voice is unconvincing. There is a short pause from Loki on the other side of the door.
"You should get some rest," Loki says, followed by footsteps stalking down the hall to his room. Jane flinches when she hears the door click shut. She is afraid, afraid of almost everything it seems.
It's tearing apart your whole sense of reality.That had been Loki's warning and he had been right. That frightens Jane. It terrifies her that she has to lay her trust in Loki's hands, after everything he's done.
When Jane gathers enough strength, she collapses onto her bed, curling into her sheets with tears rolling down her face. She'd have to try again tomorrow and face the rabbit hole once more. Failure could mean being stuck in that realm of torment forever, a nightmare lurking behind every corner of her mind. Jane shakes, not wanting to close her eyes for fear of seeing that demon again.
She quivers in her sheets for what feels like hours staring into the darkness of her room, a knot growing thick in her throat. It reminds her of the times when she was a child afraid of the dark. She would pull the covers of her head and listen to her heartbeat thunder in her chest until eventually she would sleep. But now, her heartbeat only reminds her that she grows one step closer to death with every beat. Jane has wanted peace for so long, she only wishes fighting for it wasn't so damn hard. She didn't know that besides the enemies across the galaxies, her greatest one would be herself.
Jane drifts off to sleep eventually, exhaustion dragging her back down to that realm of nightmares. She wakes with a scream and a cold shiver running down her spine. Sweat makes hair stick to her forehead and neck. Jane presses her fingers into her eyes, drawing her knees into her chest.
The door creaks open, and though it is dark, Jane can see the outline of a figure. Jane whimpers, clutching the sheets to her chest.
"Loki?" Jane questions whether she's still dreaming, wonders if she'll see the bodies of her friends next, or if she'll hear that woman's laughter first…
"I heard you scream." Loki's voice is rough with sleep, not his usual soothing purr but all the same it sets Jane at ease.
"I-I…thought…" Jane stutters, unable to form words with her trembling lips.
"It was just a dream," Loki says. Jane's eyes shift from Loki, to the shadows of her room, to the moonlight streaming through her window.
"Is this real?" she asks. Am I real?
Loki saunters from the door to the edge of her bed and the mattress shifts under Jane as he sits. She can't see him clearly but just like in her dream, she can feel his presence. He's close enough for her to catch his scent, sweet like peppermint and sage. She hates to admit it to herself but with Loki near she feels stronger. Even when she was helplessly watching her memories, in the deepest shadow of her mind, she felt stronger knowing he was next to her. Knowing that was not alone. That same feeling washes over her. Yes, she'd have to fight herself for peace, but at least she wouldn't have to fight alone. Jane reaches out into the darkness, and is surprised when Loki's hand reaches to meet hers. He takes her hand like one would hold a butterfly in their palms. Careful not to let her slip away but strong enough to not let go. Jane knows she should be suspicious of his kindness. People like him always come with a price. People, a darker part of her sneers herself. But Loki isn't a person, is he? He isn't even Aesir. That cool touch to her skin is all the reminder she needs of his true nature. Yet, the more time Jane spends with Loki, the more he falls from the strict mold she had stuck him into. If he was as evil and mindless as she thought, well, she wouldn't be alive.
But Jane doesn't want to think about monsters right now, not when that his touch is the only thing chasing away the heat. She grips Loki's hand a little tighter.
Loki sits beside Jane silently as she regains her breath, and when she no longer shakes and trembles with fear, Loki rises from the bed.
"Try to get some rest, Jane." Loki releases Jane's hand and as he moves to the door, Jane reaches out and grips the hem of his shirt. Loki goes still, his hand frozen on the brass door handle. Jane doesn't know what she wants to say, there are too many questions, too many things she knows she should say. Even with her conflicting emotions about Loki, she knows she can't bear being alone again. She's afraid that if she pushes him hard enough, the only chance for salvation might slip out of her hands and Jane knows she won't survive it.
"You're not going to leave, are you?" There is a long pause and she can see Loki's head dip down, his chin pulled to his chest like a devotee in prayer.
"Do you want me to leave?" Loki's voice is so quiet, and she thinks he may be afraid too. Is this him giving her a choice of whether or not to accept his help? Is this his form of trusting Jane? He had told Jane the consequences of refusing his help, and she is surprised that he would offer her a choice. Jane feels like her chest is going to cave in.
"Can you stay until I fall asleep?"
Jane's sure her eyes have begun to adjust to the darkness, she squints to make out the outlines of his face. His face is blank but not empty, not expressionless. There are wrinkles creased in his forehead, and his lips press together to form a hard line. But it's all in his emerald eyes, a deep sadness and perhaps even fear.
"I can conjure a spell…" Loki starts but Jane shakes her head.
"NO." Jane shivers at that sensation of being flushed downward, "I don't want to go back there." Back to that realm in her mind where her greatest fears lurked, waiting for her.
She stares back at him hard, hoping she doesn't have to spell it out. A stab of embarrassment makes her face heat, her eyes darting from him to her bed. "Just until I fall asleep," she repeats. Loki nods and he steps back from the door. As he walks to the other side of Jane's bed she curls into a tight ball, her arms hugging her abdomen.
She keeps her back to him and again, the mattress sinks under his weight. For a long moment, there is nothing but the sound of their combined breaths and mingling heartbeats.
"Loki?"
"Hm."
Jane chews on her words, her arms tightening around herself.
"You've saved my life three times now," Jane whispers. "Twice on Svartalheim and again here." There's a low chuckle from Loki.
"I didn't think you were counting," He pauses, "Anyway it won't count if you up and die on me now. I have a score to keep." A smile pulls at Janes lips, her fingers spooling in her hair.
"Why do you care? I thought I was just a pathetic mortal to you."
"You slapped me, remember? Hardly pathetic."
Jane breathes a smile. "I remember."
"My mother had been my teacher since the day we met, to the day she last drew breath. She taught me about magic, the value of knowledge and cunning, and in the end, she taught me the value of life. Her death gave me…perspective."
Jane's insides go cold at the mention of Frigga. How could she nearly forget that she was the reason Frigga lost her life? Jane squeezes her eyes shut, guilt closing in on her like the jaws of a live-trap.
"More than that," Loki continues, "She taught me what it was like to love, and be loved. Her memory reminds me that I am capable of being more than just…."
"More than just a monster." Jane finishes. Loki chuckles again, a deep and rumbling that vibrates in Jane's chest.
"What is monstrous is relative. We're all monsters to someone," Loki's voice darkens, and Jane knows this is a conclusion he could only come to after years of marginalization. She remembers that crowd of onlookers from his trial, all those sneering faces and curses thrown at him. Not just for his crimes, but for who he was fundamentally as a being. Jane presses her lips together. She used to think about Loki in black and white terms. Either hero or villain. Either good or evil. But Jane finds the more time she spends with him the greyer he becomes, the lines between those extremes blurring together. The greyer everything becomes. She used to think about Thor and Loki like strict opposites, but the more times passes the more they seem like just two sides of the same coin. Jane knows even she herself wouldn't be on one side or the other. After all, Jane has blood on her hands too and she wonders if Loki would think she were a monster if he knew the truth.
Jane rolls over, twisting herself up in a cocoon of sheets. Loki turns on his side to face Jane. Jane can feel his breath on her cheek, and though she cannot see him through the dark, she knows his eyes are on her. What if I told him and he leaves? Jane wonders fearfully. The fact that Jane is more afraid of the possibility of Loki leaving than Loki killing her frightens her.
Before she can think much more, Loki's fingertips ghost along Jane's chin to the curve of her jaw. Waves of goosebumps rise over her skin, her heart jackhammering in her throat. How could so simple a gesture quiet the roaring fire inside her? She leans into his touch, and his hand moves to cup her jaw. Jane shivers, but it has nothing to do with the temperature.
Jane isn't sure whether he spoke the incantation or not but she slips effortlessly into one of the most peaceful sleeps she can remember.
