AN- This chapter is a sequel to ch 334, where Sam dies. It's a sad one, but I hope you all enjoy it.
…
Mend
Freddie had been bracing himself for this day for weeks now.
He knew that it was going to be hard; he knew it was going to have to use every ounce of strength he had to make it through.
He had prepared himself for this day, but still, the moment he opened his eyes, he realized that really nothing could prepare someone for such a day.
He slowly sat up in his bed and, just as he did every morning, he looked over to this right at the empty space next to him; the space that, until a year ago, had been occupied by his wife.
Freddie let out a long sigh and slowly brought his head down to rest on his knees.
Today marked a full year since Sam had died. Everybody had told him that it would get easier and that he would slowly begin to move on with his life. And he supposed that they were sort of right. He had been trying as hard as he could to try to get things back to normal, or as normal as they could ever be, for the sake of his and Sam's children. He no longer broke down crying every ten minutes or spent days on end locked in the bedroom staring at pictures of Sam, but still, hardly an hour went by where he didn't think about her. She was still the first thing he thought about when he woke up and the last thing he thought about when he went to sleep. He still had trouble cooking bacon without wanting to cry, and on what would've been Sam's fortieth birthday one month ago he still went out and bought the same bouquet of red roses that he had given her for so many years now and set them on her bedside table.
He slowly got up from the bed and slid on his slippers. He had already called out from work today, but still, he didn't know exactly what to do with himself. What were you supposed to do on the one-year anniversary of your spouse's death?
He glanced over at the dresser and slowly stepped over and opened the small box that was sitting in the center. Inside was the diamond engagement ring that he had used to propose to Sam…the one he had spent so long picking out for her, the gold wedding band that he had slid onto her finger almost twenty years ago at the altar, and a small necklace with a ham charm on it (the very first gift he had ever bought for her). Next to the box sat a small bottle of perfume. It was the only brand that Sam ever used; she claimed it was the only kind that didn't smell 'too frilly' but could still save her from showering some mornings.
He had moved most of Sam's stuff out of the bedroom and into the attic, a task that was so difficult, but necessary, for him to do. He couldn't bring himself to remove everything, though. He still kept her jewelry box and her perfume in their same exact spots on the dresser, the dark purple dress that he loved on her still hung in the closet, along with the oversized sweatshirt of hers that was covered in grease stains from various meats, and the disgusting, tacky, totally unappealing zombie poster that she had gotten at a horror movie convention ten years ago still hung on the back of the door even though Freddie used to try constantly to sneak it down.
Freddie slowly set down the jewelry box, knowing full well that if he didn't he'd spend the entire day just looking through it.
Well…breakfast is probably a good idea, Freddie thought to himself. I should probably start on that…
So Freddie dragged his feet out of the bedroom. He looked down the hall at his children's rooms. He could tell that their lights were still off, though he'd bet that all of them were up by now. They were just as aware of what day it was today as he was.
Freddie went downstairs and into the kitchen and got down a box of pancake mix. He had just begun cracking eggs into a bowl when he heard footsteps behind him and he turned to see Tyler coming into the room.
"Hey," Freddie said, trying to make his voice seem as normal as possible. "Morning."
"Morning," the nine-year old mumbled as he sat down at the table.
"I'm making pancakes," Freddie said. "Your favorite. Want to help?"
Tyler shook his head.
"Okay…well no problem," Freddie said. "Um, I'll have you a plate ready in a few minutes then."
Tyler didn't reply, and Freddie continued to cook the pancakes in silence.
"Dad?" Tyler finally said just as Freddie finished the first batch of pancakes. "We don't have to go to school today, do we?"
Freddie gave his son a small smile as he set a bottle of maple syrup down in front of him.
"Don't worry," Freddie told him. "I already called you guys all out. Today we'll just…we'll just be together, okay?"
"Okay," Tyler said softly, and Freddie pretended not to notice the tears in the corner of his eyes.
Just then Emma and Ashton walked into the kitchen, both still dressed into their pajamas.
"Morning," Freddie said.
Neither girl replied.
"I made pancakes-"
"I'm not hungry," Emma said at once.
"Emma…" Freddie said. "You have to eat-"
"I'm not hungry, okay?" Emma snapped.
Freddie let out a long sigh as he turned back to the stove. "Alright."
"Daddy?" Ashton said shakily. "What are we doing today?"
"Um…" Freddie said slowly. "Well, we're going to…um…"
"-Sit around like a bunch gloomy losers, right?" seventeen-year old Jason said, joining the rest of his family in the kitchen.
"No," Freddie said. "That's not what we're going to do at all."
"What are we gonna do then?" Tyler asked.
"Well I was thinking today would be a good day to, you know, go to the cemetery," Freddie said slowly. "We haven't been in a few weeks and-"
"-I hate that place," Emma cut in.
"Nobody likes cemeteries, Emma," Ashton pointed out, rolling her eyes. "People don't go there to have a good time. They go there-"
"I know why people go to cemeteries, Ashton!" Emma said angrily. "I just don't want to go."
"Why are you being so childish?" Ashton retorted. "You're-"
"Knock it off!" Freddie said firmly. "I-I'm not dealing with any fighting today, okay? Look, it will be good for us to go and visit your mom as a family."
Emma crossed her arms but said nothing.
"Anyway," Freddie continued. "Your uncle Spencer offered to have us all over for dinner at his place tonight too. You know everybody is going to have a hard time today so we thought it'd be a good idea for us all to be surrounded by people who care about us and who know what we're all going through because, well they were close to your mom too."
The four kids simply nodded in response.
"And…one other thing," Freddie said. "Your aunt Melanie is going to be at Spencer's tonight as well."
"Well yeah, we assumed she was included," Ashton shrugged. "Why's that such a big deal?"
"Because," Jason said before Freddie could answer. "She's mom's identical twin sister…it's-it's going to be weird for us seeing somebody that looks-that looks just like mom did."
"Er, right," Freddie said. "But, um, you know...it will be fine. I just wanted you all to be prepared for that…Okay, well…hurry up and go get dressed so we can head out to the cemetery. It's supposed to rain later on."
"Yeah, rain would really put a damper on today," Emma muttered, making no effort to get up as her siblings all headed out of the kitchen.
Freddie sighed. "Emma…I know today is tough for you-"
"Gee, what a parenting breakthrough," Emma scoffed, rolling her eyes. "You know dad, going back to mom's grave isn't going to change anything or bring her back, so why do you keep bringing us there?"
"I-I know that it's not going to-"
"It's pointless!" Emma snapped, getting to her feet. "All it does is make us feel even worse!"
"Emma-" Freddie started, but Emma had already turned and stormed upstairs.
Freddie shook his head as he sank down in her empty seat.
All of his children had reacted differently to Sam's death, but Emma seemed to be the one who still had the most anger. He wasn't too surprised; Emma was like Sam when it came to emotions. She would stuff everything down inside of her, not wanting to appear soft or weak. Whenever they would go to the cemetery to visit Sam, the other three kids would leave with tears on their faces, while Emma, on the other hand, would leave with the same scowl that she came in with.
Freddie had tried to talk to her several times, but each time she would storm off before he even got two sentences in and spend the rest of the day locked up in her room. Freddie didn't want to risk pushing her away even more, so lately he had stopped trying.
I really need you, Sam, Freddie thought for the millionth time as he rested his head in his hands. I'm trying so hard to keep everything together here, but…it's so difficult without you.
…..
An hour later, Freddie stared at the stone tombstone with his wife's name etched upon it. It never got any easier seeing it; but coming here to the cemetery and feeling close to Sam was sometimes the best thing he could do for himself. And the kids seemed to feel the same way; though they would always leave crying, Freddie could tell that visiting their mom here was therapeutic for them.
He glanced over his shoulder at Emma, who was sitting on a bench a few yards back, curled up in her jacket.
Well…for most of them.
"-And I hit my first home run ever last week," Tyler was saying as Freddie turned his attention back to the others. "Everybody cheered for me. It was awesome! But I wish you could've seen it…"
"I'm sure she was watching down on you, Tyler," Ashton smiled, patting her younger brother gently on the back. "I bet she saw it."
"And I got into Cal Tech last week," Jason said, wiping his eyes. "My first choice…I know you would've been so excited…but you probably would've tried persuading me to stay closer to home too."
Freddie gave a small smile. You probably would've baby, he thought to himself. You've been bracing yourself for all of them going off on their own since they were born.
Freddie looked back over at Emma and slowly turned and started over to her.
"Hey," Freddie said softly when he reached her.
"Can we go yet?" Emma asked shakily. Freddie could see dried tear stains all down her cheeks.
"Honey, don't you want to say anything to your mom?" Freddie asked gently.
"What difference does it make?" Emma mumbled. "It's not like she's going to respond."
"I-I know," Freddie said. "But sometimes when I really miss her, I come here and I feel so much closer to her."
Emma didn't reply.
"Em…" Freddie said again. "I really think it'd be a good idea if you-"
"I wouldn't even know what to say," Emma whispered, looking down at her feet.
"Just say whatever comes to your mind," Freddie said quickly. "Tell her about school, or soccer, or anything. Tell her how much you miss her."
Emma looked over at the gravestone her siblings were gathered around, and for a moment, Freddie was sure that she was going to step over and join them. But then Emma looked back down at the ground and shook her head.
"No," she said. "I-No."
"Emma-"
"I said no," Emma said firmly.
Freddie closed his eyes tightly. "Okay," he conceded. "But if you ever want to come here, just know that all you have to do is ask and I'll-"
"Whatever," Emma mumbled, pulling the hood of her jacket down over her face.
Freddie gave her one last glance before heading back over to the gravestone.
"Guys, we should get going," he told his other three children. "I think I just heard thunder."
The kids all nodded, slowly getting to their feet.
"I'll meet you in the car," Freddie told them. "Ashton…go let your sister know we're leaving."
"Okay," Ashton nodded.
Freddie watched as the children headed out of the cemetery before sitting down himself in front of the grave.
"Hi Sam," he said, his voice already cracking as he tried to hold back tears. "It's me again…I know I was here last week, but, well…today-today's kind of significant, isn't it?"
He wiped his eyes. "You know how I used to annoy you by coming up with all sorts of cheesy anniversaries for us? Like the anniversary of our first kiss? The anniversary of when we first said we loved each other? The anniversary of the first time we made love? The anniversary of the first time I beat you in arm wrestling? I know you let me win that time, by the way."
He let out a long sigh as he stared at his wife's name on the headstone in front of you.
"Well…" he continued. "This-This is one anniversary I-I never imagined having to have. You-You've been gone a whole year, baby, and-and every day it still hurts so much. Every day I think about how I'd do anything for just one more minute with you…Every day I think about I never got to say goodbye to you…Every day I-I think about how unfair this is. This isn't how it was supposed to be, Sam. You-You weren't supposed to go this soon! You-You were supposed to grow old with me! We had so much time left; so many things that we still needed to do! This was supposed to happen fifty years from now when we were old and shriveled up! Not now…not when you were only forty…"
He wiped his tears away on his sleeve.
"I honestly don't know if I can do this, Sam," he went on. "I-I'm trying so hard to stay strong for the kids, but-but I feel like I just-I just can't do it without you. I mean look at Emma…she's hurting so much, Sam, I know that, but I-I just don't know how to help her."
He shook his head. "A year…It's been a year without you, Sam. I still love you so much; just as much as I always have. And I always will. Just-Just please know that. And-And know that-that I'm going to keep trying to do all this, okay? It's just…it's tough without you."
He slowly got to his feet and reached into his pocket, pulling out a single red rose. He laid it down on the ground.
"Bye, Sam," he said heavily before turning and heading back to the car.
…..
Normally a gathering at Spencer's would be nothing short of loud, crazy, and chaotic. Everybody would be laughing and joking around and having a great time. Tonight, however…it was quite a different mood.
Everybody was real quiet, sitting around the apartment picking at their plates of spaghetti tacos.
Freddie was sitting alone at the kitchen table, sipping a bottle of water, thinking back to all the days him and Sam had spent in this apartment, slowly falling in love with each other.
"Hey."
Freddie looked over and saw Carly sitting down next to him, giving him a small smile.
"Hey," Freddie replied.
"I saw the rose you left for Sam," Carly said. "That was real sweet."
"You went to visit her?"
"Of course," Carly nodded. "I-I figured you all would be going in the morning, so I waited until later. I didn't want to intrude."
"Thanks," Freddie said.
"Did Emma-"
"Nope," Freddie sighed. "She still just sat on the bench. I'm getting really worried, Carly. You think I should have her start seeing someone? I mean this past year has been hard on all of them, but she seems to be taking it the hardest."
"Well, she-she is exactly how Sam used to be," Carly pointed out. "You know, keeping everything bottled up inside. Maybe-Maybe she just needs a little more time before she feels comfortable letting everything out."
"Yeah, maybe," Freddie agreed. He glanced over into the living room, where Emma was sitting with Ashton, Clarissa and Quincy, looking down at her lap.
"How have you been lately?" Carly continued. "I-I feel like I haven't seen you in a while."
Since Sam's death, Freddie and Carly spent less time with each other. Somehow it felt weird hanging out just the two of them when, for so long, they had been a group of three.
"I've been…managing," Freddie said honestly. "Hey, you know Jason got into Cal Tech last week?"
"I heard," Carly smiled. "Ashton told me when she was over studying with Clarissa. That's amazing; that was his first choice, right?"
"Yeah, he's so excited," Freddie nodded.
"Good," Carly said. "Maybe-Maybe next week we can have a big dinner or something to celebrate? Do you think he'd like that? I could plan everything and-"
"Yeah, that-that sounds nice," Freddie said. "Thanks, Carly."
"Freddie?"
Freddie looked up and saw Spencer standing behind him.
"Hey," Freddie said. "Listen, Spence. Thanks for doing this tonight. It means a lot."
"Of course," Spencer nodded. "But, um, I-I just wanted to let you know that-that Melanie just got here. I just buzzed her up."
"Oh…" Freddie said. "Okay. Um, thanks."
"Have you seen her since the funeral?" Carly asked.
Freddie shook his head. "Man…they-they were really identical, weren't they?"
"Freddie, you-you going to be okay?" Carly asked gently.
"Yeah," Freddie said. "I mean…I can't just never see Melanie again, can I? She's the kid's aunt and I'm sure Sam wouldn't have wanted me to push her away."
Spencer gave his shoulder a gentle squeeze just as a knock sounded from the front door.
Freddie stood up, bracing himself, as Spencer stepped across the room and opened the door.
"Hi, Melanie," Spencer said politely. "Glad you could make it."
"Of course," Melanie said, giving him a small smile.
Freddie stared at his sister-in-law, his mouth dropping slightly.
Melanie's long, blonde curls, which mirrored Sam's exactly, were gone. She had cut her hair short and dyed it brown. For a moment, the entire room was silent. Then Ashton finally got up and went over to her aunt.
"Hi, Aunt Melanie," she said, hugging her.
"Hi sweetie," Melanie replied, hugging her niece back.
Jason and Tyler went over as well, and Emma, hesitantly, followed them.
"I've missed you guys," Melanie said.
"We've missed you too," Tyler said.
Melanie looked over at Freddie. "Hi," she said softly.
"I-Hi," Freddie said, going over and giving her a quick hug. "I-Wow, you-you look-your hair…"
"Yeah, I-I got it done about six months ago," Melanie told him as the kids went back to the couch. "I just…it was too weird. Looking in the mirror every day and-and well…I just needed to do it."
Freddie nodded understandingly. "Yeah, that-that must've been hard."
"Well how have you all been?" Melanie asked. "I-I know I haven't been around, but I-"
"That's okay," Freddie said quickly. "We've-We've been…well it's hard, you know. Some days are better than others, I guess, but, I dunno…we're trying."
"Good," Melanie said, clearing her throat. "Um, anyway, I'm sorry I'm late. I was just, um, at the cemetery…"
"Right," Freddie said. "We were there earlier."
"It's just so sad, seeing her name there," Melanie whispered, wiping her eyes. "Sorry…I-I was trying not to cry while I was there. I-I figured Sam would get annoyed having me just cry my eyes out, right?"
"Yeah," Freddie couldn't help but chuckle. "You're probably right…"
He looked around the apartment again, seeing everybody looking so down.
"Sam would hate this…" Freddie said slowly. "You know what? If she was here right now, she wouldn't want to see us all moping around!"
He quickly stepped to the center of the room.
"Um…hey, everybody?" he said loudly. "Um, listen, I know this year has been tough. Believe me, I know. But come on, we all know if Sam could see us right now, she'd tell us to snap out of it! So I say…I say we all go around the room and share one memory about Sam that actually captures her…Samness."
"Okay…" Carly said slowly, standing up. "You're right, Freddie. So can I go first?"
"Sure," Freddie smiled.
"Alright," Carly said. "Wow…it's gonna be hard just picking one. Hmm…Oh! I've got it. So the night before her wedding, Sam spent the night at my place. We were supposed to spend the night going over last minute wedding details. But of course, Sam being Sam, she wouldn't let that happen. So instead, she somehow managed to convince me to go with her to her favorite butcher's shop. It was pretty late, and they were just about to close up, but we got there just in time. Anyway, while Sam was waiting for her ham, the butcher started talking to her, I mean he knew Sam fairly well; she was a frequent customer, and she told him that she was marrying Freddie the next day. The butcher had met Freddie a few times before I guess, but instead of being happy for her, he started saying how she could do so much better than Freddie and how she should call off the wedding while she could. Now obviously Sam didn't appreciate such comments, so when the butcher gave her the ham she ordered, she went back to the bathrooms and flushed the entire ham down the toilet! The toilet clogged and it started flooding the butcher's whole shop!"
"Wait…Sam wasted perfectly good ham and vandalized her favorite butcher's shop?" Freddie grinned. "Because he said we shouldn't be married?"
"Yup," Carly laughed. "And she got banned for life. She told me not to tell you ever because she knew you'd give her a lecture about how it was 'wrong to clog toilets with meat'. But she said that she didn't want to go to a butcher shop that didn't think you were good enough for her, Freddie. No matter how delicious their ham was."
"Aw," Freddie smiled. "That was a good one, Carls."
"Can I go next?" Gibby asked.
"Go for it," Freddie nodded.
"Okay, you remember that restaurant that me and Sam ran for awhile?" Gibby said. "The one in the basement of the school?"
"Yeah," Carly nodded.
"Well, one day, during the lunch rush, a group of jocks came in and were being all obnoxious," Gibby continued. "They made fun of my spicy lemonade, they mocked the shirt my mom had just bought me…they were real jerks. Sam saw them making fun of me and before I knew it, she had got out that sock full of hard butter-"
"Her butter sock!" Freddie exclaimed. "Oh man, she used to love that thing!"
"I probably still have some bruises from it," Spencer chuckled.
"Well she used the butter sock to totally scare the chiz out of those guys," Gibby said. "They never came back to harass me at the restaurant again."
"Aw, Sam defended you?" Carly smiled.
"First and last time it happened," Gibby nodded.
"Dad, can I go next?" Tyler asked eagerly. "I want to say my favorite memory of mom!"
"Sure, go ahead, Ty," Freddie said.
"It was two summers ago," Tyler said. "When we were on vacation in California. We went to that boardwalk and I was super excited to ride the bumper cars. But when we got to the ride, they said I was still too short to go on. Everybody else got to go on, but I had to wait again. So mom gave up going on the bumper cars, even though they were one of her favorites, and she took me down to the beach while the rest of you guys rode. There was this really cool ice cream place there, it had, like, a gazillion different flavors! Mom told me I could get whatever I wanted, so asked her if I could get six scoops of rocky road; my favorite. I was just kidding, but she said okay. And she got herself six scoops of rocky road too and she told me that we were gonna have an ice cream eating contest. I had been begging mom to let me have a pie eating contest with her for ages, but ice cream was even better! I thought I was gonna lose, though, because mom was like, a professional eater, but she only got through four scoops and I ate all of mine! I kind of think she let me win, but it was still awesome!"
"Wow," Freddie grinned. "You're probably the only person who can say he's ever beaten your mom in an eating contest, Ty."
"Really?" Tyler said, looking proud. "Cool!"
Freddie glanced over at Emma. "Hey, Emma? Why don't you go next? What's your favorite memory about mom?"
"I don't want to go," Emma said at once.
"What? Come on," Freddie said. "You have a ton of memories to pick from. What about the time when you-"
"No!" Emma said loudly, catching everybody in the room by surprise. "I don't want to play this stupid game! It was a dumb idea and-and I'm not doing and you can't make me!"
"Emma!" Freddie started, but his daughter had already turned and stormed upstairs.
Without hesitation, Freddie followed after her. Emma was much faster than him, though, and by the time he got to the top of the stairs, Emma was already in the old iCarly studio.
Spencer had never gotten around to cleaning it out, even after all this time, so it looked almost exactly the same as it had back in the iCarly days.
Freddie stepped inside and spotted Emma at once, curled up in one of the oversized beanbag chairs. She was crying hard…harder than Freddie had ever seen her cry.
He silently sat down next to her, not wanting to disturb her; she was finally letting everything out.
After several moments, Emma finally picked up her head and looked over at Freddie.
"Sorry…" she mumbled. "Sorry for yelling and-"
"No," Freddie said, shaking his head. "No, Emma, don't apologize for feeling the way you feel right now."
Emma was silent.
"Emma…I'm trying to help you," Freddie whispered. "All of us are in the same boat. We all miss your mom. You shouldn't have to be going through this, I know, and I know how tough this past year has been for you, but-but you've got to let yourself open up and-"
"You want to know the memory I have of mom?" Emma suddenly said.
"Huh?"
"There's one memory that-that I haven't been able to stop going over since she-since she died," Emma sniffed. "It's not some old, happy memory like everybody else, though. It-It's the last memory I have of her…It's from the day she died."
Freddie blinked. "Okay, well, tell me, sweetie."
"It was right before she left for the grocery store," Emma said shakily. "I-I had snuck down to the basement because I knew that's where mom hid her Numchucks and-and I wanted to try them out. I had just seen some video online with this dude doing all these cool moves with them…But just as I was about to start using them, mom came down. She asked me what I thought I was doing with her Numchucks…she started yelling at me that I was way too young to be playing around with something so dangerous. And then I yelled back that she was being completely unfair; that I was old enough to play with them, and that she was a total hypocrite because I knew for a fact that she had used Numchucks when she was way younger than me. But she still wouldn't let me even touch them, so I-I got all mad, and before I stormed back upstairs I-I said…I-I said I hated her."
Emma was now full on crying again, and Freddie quickly wrapped his arms around her.
"I said 'I hate you, you're the worst mom ever!'," Emma cried. "And-And then she left for the grocery store and-and she never came back! Those were the last words I ever said to my mom…I told her she was the worst and that I hated her! Everybody else is busy thinking about all the good memories they have with mom, and-and I've tried to do that too, but I still keep thinking back to that one! I-I never got to tell her I was sorry and-and that I didn't mean what I said! I felt so bad about five minutes after I said that stuff, and-and I was going to apologize to her as soon as she got back from the store, but-but she never did and-"
She was crying too hard to continue now.
"Emma…" Freddie said gently, hugging her close, feeling her tears soak onto his shirt. "Oh Emma…honey, you mom knew you didn't mean any of that. Trust me, she knew how much you loved her."
"But I-"
"Emma, honey, stop," Freddie said softly. "Your mom knew that you loved her, okay? She knew that you were just upset."
"But how can you know for sure?" Emma sniffed. "She's gone now…it-it's not like I can ask her."
"No," Freddie agreed. "You can't. But Emma…you know your mom. Your mom knew that people say things they don't really mean…that sometimes you just act on your anger without really thinking…she used to do that a lot when she was your age, you know. So believe me, Emma…your mom knew that you didn't hate her or thought she was the worst mom ever."
Emma didn't reply.
"You've been holding that in for a whole year, haven't you?" Freddie said. "Oh Emma…I-You should've talked to me, honey. That-That was some heavy stuff for you to have to deal with on your own."
Emma still didn't reply.
"But of course you wouldn't want to talk about your feelings…" Freddie sighed. "You know, Emma…you really are just like your mom."
Emma looked up at him.
"You're mom didn't like talking about her feelings either," Freddie said. "For the longest time, she thought doing that made her seem weak. So she'd just push everything down inside of her and let it fester. Eventually though…eventually she realized that she did need to let herself show her true feelings, otherwise…she realized that doing that would just make everything so much harder for her…Don't-Don't you feel a little bit better getting all of that off your chest?"
"A little," Emma mumbled. "But I still wish I could tell her how much I missed her…I wish I could tell her myself that I didn't mean what I said that day…"
"Well," Freddie said, giving her shoulder a gentle squeeze. "Maybe you can."
…
"Just talk to her," Freddie said an hour later, as him and Emma stood in front of Sam's grave. "It-It really does help. Tell her everything that you've been keeping bottled up for the past year. I-I'll give you some space…just meet me back in the car when you're ready."
"Okay," Emma whispered, staring down at the grave. She slowly sat down and listened to her father's footsteps die off in the distance.
"M-Mom?" Emma said, taking a deep breath. "It's me…Emma. Well, I-I guess you know that. Um…I-I've never done this before and-and I'm sorry. I wanted to…a few times when dad brought us here and I watched everybody else, I'd start to come over, but then I-I just didn't."
She wiped her eyes on the sleeve of her sweater.
"I'm sorry we fought that day," Emma continued. "I didn't mean a word I said. I-I really hope you know that. I wish I could go back and take it all back but I can't…but I-I just need you to know that I love you, mom. I always have and-and I always will."
She hugged her arms close to her body as a breeze blew through the graveyard.
"I think about you every single day," Emma whispered. "Sometimes you're all I can think about…I think about all the things we were supposed to do together. You were supposed to teach me how to use your butter sock and how to punch just as hard with my left hand as I do with my right. We were supposed to go to Mystic Mountain and try to ride every single roller coaster in under an hour without puking. You-You were supposed to teach me how to put on make-up because I always loved how you could do it without looking too girly. You were supposed to give me dating advice and-and you were supposed to help me pick out a prom dress and-and teach me how to eat a whole ham and-and well, there-there are too many things left that-that we just never got to…things we'll never get to do."
For a moment she sat there, tears still streaming down her face as she thought about all those memories that she would never get to have with her mother.
"But even though we didn't get to do all of those things, we-we did do a lot," Emma sniffed. "I-I guess I've been dwelling too much on our fight and-and everything else…I-I haven't really thought too much about all the good times…"
A small smile slowly crept onto her face. "There was that time you taught me how to do a roundhouse kick…and the time you took me to the Bacons of the World exhibit…you showed me how to smuggle in extra candy at the movie theatre and you taught me how to arm wrestle like a pro…you-you taught me that I can still like girly stuff sometimes without giving up being tough. You-You taught me that even though something may not come easy to me, that I-I should keep working for it. You taught me that I should always stand up for myself and for others and that I shouldn't worry what other people might think of me."
As she spoke, the weight of what she had been silently dealing with for the past year seemed to slowly lighten.
"I'm sorry it took me so long to come here, mom," Emma sighed. "It's just…I'm not good with feelings. Daddy says I'm like you that way."
She moved closer to the headstone, tracing Sam's name slowly with her fingers.
"I'll keep working on that, though," Emma said. "Like-Like you did."
She slowly got to her feet. "I love you, mom. Don't worry…I'll be back, okay? I promise."
She turned and headed out of the graveyard, feeling pangs of grief, but still feeling better than she had in a long time.
Freddie was waiting in the car, just like he said. As Emma got into the passenger seat, she expected her father to bombard her with questions about what she had said to Sam, but instead he simply gave her a small smile and started the car.
"Are we going back to Uncle Spencer's?" Emma asked.
"Well, we can," Freddie said. "If you're not up for it, we can always just go back home. I'm sure your Aunt Carly or someone wouldn't mind driving your brothers and sister back."
"No, I-I want to go," Emma said.
"Okay," Freddie agreed. "Then we'll go."
…..
When Emma and Freddie arrived back at Spencer's apartment, everybody was still down in the living room.
"Hey, it's my turn," Emma said loudly the second they stepped inside, causing everybody to look up at her.
"Your turn for what?" Jason asked.
"To share my favorite mom moment, duh," Emma said, rolling her eyes playfully, the first real smile that Freddie had seen from her in a long time slowly creeping onto her face.
"Oh, well go ahead," Carly said at once. "We'd love to hear it."
"Alright, well, it's from a few years ago," Emma said. "When I was six…I was supposed to be in bed, but I had just snuck a Fat Cake, so I was all hyped up on sugar. But everybody else was asleep, or, well, at least I thought they were. I had gone downstairs because I was going to try and watch my Girly Cow DVD, but when I went down to the living room, I found mom already on the couch watching some movie on T.V., and she was crying. I got all freaked out because I had never seen mom cry before…I thought the world was ending or something. And when mom looked over and saw me standing by the stairs, I-I thought she was going to start yelling at me for being out of bed, but she didn't…she told me to come sit next to her. So I did. I asked her why she was crying and-and she smiled…she told me she was watching one of her favorite movies…it was this movie about a little boy who has a dog who helps him deal with a really difficult life, but at the end the dog dies, which is the part mom was crying about. I know that's not some warm, super fun memory like everybody else has, but-but I like it because it shows-it shows the other side of mom…the side that sometimes we forget about beneath her cool pranks and fight moves and eating abilities…she cried too."
"Emma, that was beautiful, sweetheart," Freddie said, feeling tears in his own eyes.
"Thanks," Emma said, wiping her eyes.
Spencer stood up and raised his glass. "To Sam…the toughest, funniest, loyalist, most thoughtful person we could imagine."
"To Sam," everybody echoed loudly.
….
Later that evening, Freddie sat on his bed, staring down at his and Sam's wedding photo.
This was always going to be a hard day for him, he knew that, but right now he was feeling a lot better than he would've thought he'd feel tonight. Perhaps it was from everybody sharing their favorite memories of Sam, but for whatever reason, he felt like he could maybe do this.
He slowly stood up and set the frame back down on his dresser. He turned to go back to bed, but before he did, he stopped by his closet and looked up on the top shelf, where the corner of a cardboard box was sticking out. Freddie quickly got it down and opened it up, a smile forming on his face as he did.
I almost forgot, he thought to himself.
He hurried down to the living room where luckily the four children were still awake.
"You guys, I have something for you," Freddie said, joining them on the couch.
"What?" Tyler asked curiously.
"When I was cleaning out some of your mom's stuff a few months ago, I can across a few things that-that I wanted you all to have," Freddie said. "I was saving them for today because, well, I knew it was going to be a rough day, and I wanted to have something to maybe make things a little better for you. It must've slipped my mind, though."
"That's okay," Ashton said.
Freddie opened up the box again and pulled out an old hard covered book and handed it to Tyler.
"This was your mom's favorite book," he explained as Tyler opened the book and began flipping through it.
"Mom read?" Tyler said, and Freddie couldn't help but chuckle.
"The Pennycatcher was the first real book your mom read," Freddie told him. "When we were kids I bet her she couldn't read the whole thing cover to cover."
"And she did?" Tyler asked.
"Of course; your mom never lost a bet," Freddie smiled. "So she got to stick Uncle Spencer's sink faucet down my pants and make it look like I wet myself."
The kids all laughed.
"Anyway, I thought you might like that because I-I know mom was reading you a few of her old Boogie Bear books each night before she-before she died," Freddie said. "Actually, she was talking to me one night and she said she wanted to start reading this one with you. She was planning on doing it soon, because she was starting to worry that you'd start getting sick of having your mom read with you."
"She was going to read this with me?" Tyler said softly.
"Yup, she thought you'd enjoy it," Freddie nodded.
"I'm going to start it tonight," Tyler said, staring down at the cover. "Thanks, dad."
"And Emma, this is for you," Freddie said, handing her a comically oversized spoon.
"What's this?" Emma asked, slightly confused.
"Your mom's favorite spoon," Freddie smiled. "She loved this thing; used to carry it everywhere with her in case a meal broke out. Aunt Carly and I could hardly believe what good care she took of this. She would spend hours polishing it and making sure it was always in perfect condition. I can't tell you how many dates she brought this on…I always told her it drove me crazy, but truth be told, it grew on me after awhile."
"So you're giving this to me because I like to eat a lot?" Emma said slowly.
"No," Freddie chuckled. "I'm giving it to you because this insanely big spoon was one of many things that made your mom so unique. I mean how many other girls do you know who carried around their own giant-sized utensils? Your mom always marched to the beat of her own drum and never cared about being different. That's one of the things I loved the most about her, and it's definitely something you got from her, Emma. You have your own style, and you're not afraid of letting everybody know that."
Emma looked down at the spoon, tracing her fingers along the handle.
"Thank you, daddy," she said, tears welling in her eyes. "I love it."
"Alright, Ashton, this one is for you," Freddie said, handing his other daughter a sparkling tiara.
"Whoa, what's that?" Ashton asked.
"The first-place tiara your mom got from the Miss. Teen Seattle Beauty Pageant she entered when she was fifteen," Freddie said. "You remember she told you guys she used to do pageants, right?"
"I thought she just did those when she was a little kid," Ashton said.
"Yeah, but she decided she wanted another chance to get first place," Freddie said. "So she gave it one more shot and…she won."
"It's beautiful," Ashton whispered.
"I want you-I want you to understand why I'm giving it to you, though," Freddie said. "Ash, sweetie, I know sometimes you feel like…like you are the total opposite of mom."
"Well I am, aren't I?" Ashton said. "I-I'm super girly, I don't fight…I'm a vegetarian for crying out loud. I-I'm nothing like mom."
"No," Freddie said gently. "You're so much like your mom, Ashton. She was one of the most determined people I've ever met. If she wanted to do something, she did it, no matter what, even if it seemed impossible. I mean how many other people do you think would've gone and won a whole pageant with only a few minutes notice? Her determination…I see it so much in you, Ashton. Whether it was you running for student council a few months ago, writing about a thousand emails to the mayor telling him that he needed to fix up that old park so kids could actually play on it, or when you were seven and wrote your mom and me a six-page argument in crayon stating all the reasons why you and Emma deserved to have a later bedtime…that's all from your mother, Ash. That's why I want you to have this crown; not because I thought you'd like it because it's beautiful, but because you really are just like your mom."
"You mean all that?" Ashton said shakily.
"Of course," Freddie nodded.
Ashton simply continued to stare down at the crown, too stunned to speak.
"Okay, and now you, Jason," Freddie said, reaching back into the box. He slowly pulled out the signature blue remote that Sam had used on every single episode of iCarly.
"That's from-" Jason started.
"iCarly, yup," Freddie nodded, taking a moment to simply stare at the remote before carefully passing it to his oldest child. "iCarly was important to all of us in different ways. It made us all into who we were when we grew up. After our last show, right before we graduated high school and left for college, I found your mom sitting out on my fire escape…that was sort of our special place back in the day. Anyway, I found her out there with this remote. We spent the rest of the night out there, just the two of us, talking about how much the show meant to us. I mean it practically got us together. But your mom told me that…that doing iCarly was the first time she felt confident in herself. Now that was news to me…ever since I met your mom, she's been one of the loudest, most assertive girls around; I never would've imagined her doubting her own confidence for a second. But she told me that doing iCarly made her realize that she was capable of so much more than she gave herself credit for…it gave her the confidence she needed to go on and become a professional script writer. And Jason…soon you're going to be taking a big step in your life. You're going off to college and even though I know you're going to do great there, there's probably going to be times when you start to doubt yourself. I want you to have this as a reminder that no matter how hard things get…you can do anything you set your mind to. I know that you can, and your mom knew that too."
Jason said nothing as he simply stared down at the remote, a single tear falling down onto the device.
"We've made it a year, you guys," Freddie said heavily, setting down the now empty box. "It wasn't easy but…here we are. We'll never stop missing your mom. We'll always have moments where we just want nothing more than to turn back time and spend one more minute with her. But we've just got to remember: we're in this together. Your mom wouldn't have wanted us to fall apart without her…we need to stay strong for her. It's what she would've wanted."
