CH 44:
They had eventually made their way up to their bedroom, collapsing into their bed curled up in each other's arms. Hermione listened to Ron's breathing become calm and steady as he drifted off to sleep. She pulled his arms tighter around her and thought back to their conversations that evening. She was still furious with herself for not clarifying the situation with Ron before she stormed in and shredded him like a bad witness for the opposing side in a trial. And then she had realized that he had just assumed she understood that all that he had was hers. It really blew her mind. But the painful part was when he said those things about worrying she wouldn't still want him once she learned more magic. She wasn't sure if she felt hurt that he thought so little of her, or terrified that he thought so little of himself. She was still mulling through those thoughts as she finally succumbed to slumber.
It felt like she had just closed her eyes when she felt Ron begin to tense around her. He was mumbling things in a panicked manner in his sleep and starting to twitch and move with what she assumed was a nightmare. She felt him grabbing at his scar by his neck and beginning to thrash about crying out phrases like, "not her," "take me instead," you have to live," and finally he bolted up in his sleep screaming her name and then Hugo's. He was not yet awake and was drenched in a cold sweat. She tried to talk to him gently, but it didn't wake him from his agitated state so she became louder and more forceful.
"Ron, wake up, Ron. It's Hermione. You're safe. You're here in our bedroom. It's just a dream. Wake up, Ron. I'm right here. It's ok."
Finally his eyes opened in panic and confusion as he looked around. She repeated her calming words as he suddenly comprehended that it had all been a dream. Instantly he engulfed her in his arms and sobbed.
"Shhh, shhhh," she said quietly as she stroked his back. "You're ok. We're ok. It was a terrible nightmare, but it's over now. I'm here. You're safe."
"You were there," he stammered out between sobs. "And Bellatrix, she had you instead of me. And she kept, fuck, she kept torturing you. And you were so tough and it made her so angry that she couldn't break you. But it was so much worse to watch you and hear you go through it than it was for me when it happened. And I couldn't get to you. I couldn't protect you. You were slipping away so I just kept yelling like a madman. I kept screaming for you, but Harry and I were stuck. I was locked in the dungeon and she kept torturing you…but then Dobby didn't come. Instead Hugo came and we were to be rescued but I somehow knew that Dobby died when it really happened and, well, then I woke up." Ron's sobs soon drowned out his words.
Hermione held him to her and rocked him calmly a she kept talking to him. His sobs finally died down and had been replaced by choppy breaths as he tried to regain his composure. But before she knew it, Hermione saw Hugo appear at the door. He silently walked over to Ron and put his tiny hand on Ron's back, jolting Ron up from where his head had been buried in Hermione's curly hair.
"Take Simon. I think you need him tonight, Ron. You always come chase my nightmares away. Let Simon chase yours away tonight. I love you. Sweet dreams." And with that, Hugo solemnly handed over the bear, kissed Ron on the cheek and walked back to his room, leaving a stunned and tearful couple in the bed.
Hermione had eventually given Ron a dose of Dreamless Sleeping potion so that he could go back to sleep without fear of reliving the nightmare again. When Hermione awoke at 630 the following morning, she was relieved to find Ron still sound asleep next to her. She kissed his cheek gently and then quietly went down to the kitchen to have her tea. She was sitting at the kitchen table reading the morning papers, both muggle and magical, when her phone buzzed. Glancing at it she smiled seeing a text from her mum asking her to call her when she was up.
"Morning Mum," Hermione said when her mum answered. "You know I'm always up by now."
"Morning, sweetheart. I know this is last minute, but I was wondering if we could steal Hugo for the day like we used to do with Rose sometimes. It is supposed to be gorgeous out today, and we thought we'd take a day trip out to the country."
"He's still asleep, but I would think he would enjoy it."
"You don't think he'd get too bored with us?"
"No, I don't. But, if you are worried about it you could see if he wanted to invite Lily Potter to come along. Both of them have been feeling a little lonely with Rose and Al off at Hogwarts."
"That's a brilliant idea, Hermione. Do you think Lily would want to come? I mean, I have met her before, but we haven't spent much time together. And, would Harry and Ginny be ok with it?"
"Well, I would think so, but we won't know until we ask. How about I call Ginny after Hugo gets up. I would think they could be ready to go by 930 or 10. Would that work?"
"That would be lovely. Just give me a call when you've talked to Hugo and Lily."
By the time Ron came sheepishly down the stairs at 9, Hugo was bouncing excitedly around the kitchen talking about his surprise adventure. Ron smiled seeing him so excited. He'd felt terribly when Hugo had seen him in such a broken moment the night before. Just add it to the what the hell were Fi and Dennis thinking list he thought. But, Hugo looked un-phased by the encounter, so Ron tried to just barrel through breakfast and send him off. He ducked upstairs to put more clothes on before Hermione's parents or Harry and Lily arrived.
By the time he came back down fully dressed, the living room was full of smiling folks. Soon, Hugo and Lily were happily packed into the car with the Grangers and heading off on an adventure day. Harry was singing the praises of Hermione's parents as he ducked back through the floo to find Ginny, and Ron returned to the kitchen to wash up his breakfast dishes.
"You seem very quiet this morning," Hermione observed from across the kitchen. "Were you able to get some real sleep eventually?"
Ron blushed at the reference to the night before. Sighing, he said, "Yeah, I just felt awkward after the scene I created last night. It's bad enough I woke you up, but to have Hugo come in when he did, well, I just feel like a git. I mean, how am I supposed to talk him down from nightmares when I can't do it myself?" He sighed again, shaking his head, and returned his gaze to the pans in the sink taking his frustrations out by washing them without magic.
Hermione eyed him with confusion. Finally shaking her head, she said, "Ron, you are an idiot. Don't get me wrong – you are my idiot and I love you, but you are still an idiot."
He popped his head back up to face her, caught off guard at her statement.
"Don't you see," she said as she walked over to him. "You are EXACTLY what Hugo needs. If you pretend everything is perfect, then all he feels like is that he can't ever be as amazing as you. But if you can show him that it's ok to cry, it's ok to have nightmares, it's ok to mourn, then he knows he is ok. And then to see you up and about as usual the next day, he sees that a bad nightmare doesn't ruin the day. It doesn't make him a failure. You wake up, and you move on." She paused as wrapped her arms around him. "I know Fi and Dennis could not have known this would be the situation you two would be in. But, they were brilliant in choosing you. You love him. You show him how to live and love and lose and fail and succeed and win and learn and grow. You are showing him how to grow up and be an amazing man, an amazing wizard and an amazing father."
He was once again stunned by Hermione's love for him. And as tears welled in his eyes, he was determined to not cry for the third time in twelve house so took several deep steadying breaths as he held her close. Finally he said, "Thank you, Hermione. You have an amazing ability to take what I see as a flaw and reframe it as something positive. I still have no idea how you do it, but I sure am glad you keep at it."
She kissed his cheek and held him a few moments more. "So, what would you like to do with our day?"
He considered the question for a moment before saying, "how about we have our own adventure day, as your parents called it. I could take you out to Shell Cottage, and we could hike a bit in the cliffs overlooking the seaside. And…and there is something I'd like to show you there."
She smiled and replied, "Brilliant plan. How about we throw together some sandwiches and take a picnic?"
"Perfect," he said. "Because even though I just cleaned up breakfast you know I'll be hungry about 10 minutes after we get there," he chuckled.
While Ron knew he'd shared with Hermione that he had been tortured, he had never gone into much detail about what happened, or taken her to see Dobby's grave. After the nightmare he'd had the night before, he thought it was time to take her there in person.
It was a sunny autumn day, but the wind off the sea was strong. Apparating to the beach just outside the wards of the cottage, Ron laughed as they landed in the sand and immediately Hermione's hair blew in every direction. She was embarrassed and tried to grab her curls and force them into a rough pony tail, but was losing the battle. She playfully smacked Ron's arm as he laughed at her, and then huffed as she gave up and tucked her hair into a knit cap.
"Some days I think I should give up and cut it super-short and not have to worry about it at all," she mused.
He looked at her aghast, "Please don't. I love your hair. And, apparently I am not the only one of us who sees something as a flaw the other finds amazing." He kissed her and pulled a few ringlets out from the cap. "See – perfect," he declared.
She laughed and shook her head at him. They walked up the grassy, sandy hill and Ron let them through the wards.
"Before we get to the fun adventure part of the day," he said in a more serious tone as he placed the picnic basket down in the sand, "I'd really like to show you something."
Reading his body language well, she simply nodded and tucked herself into his side as they walked up the path. They walked a ways and came around a corner where the shrubbery protected a spot from the wind and revealed a gravestone. It simply said, "Here Lies Dobby, A Free Elf." There was a small bench near it, and Ron led them over to it. Hermione remembered the name from his mutterings after his nightmare, but she did not know the story.
"I know I told you about being tortured during the war. But, I don't think I told you many of the details. You live with the scars, of course," he said, gesturing to his neck and torso. "Well," he scoffed, "I guess you live with the scars no one else can see as well."
He looked at her, and she simply smiled to encourage him to continue.
"Well, I had told you I had left and then eventually found my way back to Harry. But, not too long after that we were captured by snatchers. Well, some particularly bad ones, actually. It was a gang led by a notorious werewolf named Greyback. He is who attacked Bill and gave him all of those scars. But, it wasn't during a full moon, so Bill didn't become infected with lycanthropy. Instead he just has some unique features like loving raw meat and having a really heightened sense of smell. Anyway, I'm getting off track. While Harry was disguised with a stinging jinx, he thought he recognized me. Stupid ginger hair…."
Hermione raised an eyebrow and said, "Hmm. Let's just say we each adore the other's hair. But, don't get distracted – keep going."
Ron smiled, "Right. Anyway, he thought he recognized me as 'Undesireable Number 2' – Harry was first of course. So, he took us to this fancy estate that was run by one of the oldest pure blood families. The son was in our class, and a right git. We hated each other from day one, but it got worse as the war got closer. But his father was horrible, and his aunt Bellatrix – well, she was the worst. She was insane. Really – was already insane and then had been locked up in Azkaban for decades for her horrible crimes. When Voldemort came back, she was like his number one deputy or something. And when she saw that we had the Sword of Gryffindor,"
"Wait – like THE Gryffindor?"
"Yes – but now you're distracting me," he teasingly chastised her. "Anyway, she thought we'd broken into her vault."
"That was when you robbed the bank?"
"Actually – at that point we hadn't done that yet. When she got so insane asking what else we had taken, we realized we needed to rob the bank and get into her vault. But, she also felt like I was particularly traitorous as I was a pure blood wizard. She was all about that shite. So, she felt like I needed some, well, she called it corrective education. But, she tortured me. Felt like it was hours, but it was less than one I eventually learned." He took some ragged breaths.
"Do you need a break?" she asked gently.
He shook his head. "No, no. It's just not something I like to relive. But I need you to know." She nodded and held his hand.
"So, they locked Harry in the dungeons, and as it turned out there were some other people we knew there as well. He was listening to me screaming the whole time, and he called out for me. He kept calling my name. It saved me, you know. Hearing his voice. It reminded me that I was alive and needed. Because it would have been a lot easier to let go." His voice cracked on that, and Hermione squeezed his hand tighter.
"She, Bellatrix, she had me tied up in this chair in the middle of this ballroom or something. And obviously they'd taken our wands. But the arsehole from my class was there. She asked him to confirm it was Harry and I, and to his credit, he said he couldn't be sure it was Harry. But, hardly makes him an innocent bystander. Anyway, she threw cruicio after cruico at me."
"Aren't they unforgiveable?"
"Well, yes, but I don't think Bellatrix ever worried about forgiveness. And, I've been told no one has survived that many and stayed sane. Neville's parents were tortured with only a few and landed in St. Mungo's when he was only a baby."
Hermione looked at him, horrified at this piece of information, but didn't want to interrupt while he was talking. And, he didn't notice her expression.
"But I knew Harry needed help. And his voice kept reminding me of that. The only way to kill Bellatrix was to kill Voldemort. And the only way to kill him was to get Harry and I out of there. But, she didn't just use the crucios – Harry thought it was thirteen in the end. But, she beat me, let Grey back beat me, and then came at me with a cursed knife as well. She said my behavior was a disgrace to my pureblood ancestors and she needed to let the blood out to see if it was really pure after all. But, during this time, Dobby the elf showed up in the dungeon."
"How?"
"Well, Dobby used to be the elf bound to serve that same family at that same house. But during the second year, Dobby heard some of the plotting the father was doing against Harry and risked everything to try and help Harry. Now, Dobby being Dobby, his help wasn't always helpful, which is how I landed my father's flying car in a whomping willow and broke my wand, but that's a story for another day. But, he loved Harry desperately. And after Harry saw how terribly he was beaten and abused by his master, Harry figured out how to trick the guy into accidentally releasing him from servitude."
"How do you release an elf from servitude?" Hermione asked.
"By giving them an article of clothing. Harry snuck a sock into a book he knew the jerk would give Dobby to hold. And, slow down there, O Protector of the Voiceless. I can see the gears churning in your head. You can't just go around sneaking socks into every elf's hands. There is a lot more to it than that."
Hermione smugly laughed, as he clearly knew her well and had read right through her thoughts.
"We'll get back to elf rights some other day. But, Dobby was free and worked at Hogwarts. And he wore all of these crazy mismatched socks and tea cozies with such pride. But, when Harry needed help, Dobby appeared. People – especially old horrible purebloods like that family – forget the elves can break wards witches and wizards can't break. So – he got Harry out, rescued the others in the dungeon, including Mr. Ollivander, but I think I told you that part before. That is why he is always so nice to me. But, really, it is Dobby who rescued him. Not me. So, Dobby got Harry into the main room, and he had his wand on Bellatrix, but then suddenly she had a knife to my throat and forced Harry to put down his wand. It was all over. We were dead, but somehow Dobby caused a chandelier to crash on Bellatrix and me. Harry then grabbed Dobby and picked me up off the floor and apparated us to this very spot. But, as we left, Bellatrix through the knife at us, and…. And… And-" He choked up again at the memory. Hermione simple waited for him. "And, Dobby stepped in front of us and took the knife in the chest. Harry landed here with me unconscious and Dobby bleeding to death. He was dead in a few moments. I didn't learn this until later, of course. And I apparently was at his funeral, but I don't remember it. My memories from that time here are really fuzzy. It took a while for me to learn how to think again. How to know what was real and what isn't. All the mental function came back eventually. But there are about 5 or 6 days that I can't recall at all."
Hermione was openly weeping at this point. The tears fell down her cheek, and Ron turned to look at her and wiped them off. "I didn't want to make you cry, Hermione. I wanted to let you know that I owe this elf everything. And, sometimes when I need to remind myself to live life to the fullest, I come here. And I ask myself if I am living in a way that honors his sacrifice."
"I am sure he is so proud of you," said Hermione through her tears. "I had no idea. But I guess I owe him everything too."
Ron hugged her and kissed the top of her head. "I brought a sock for him today," he said smiling. "Two actually – one for Hugo and one for me. You see, last night that dream I had. Well, I don't know exactly what triggered it. But, I was in the dungeon with Harry, and you were being tortured. And it wasn't Dobby, but Hugo rescuing me so I could get to you. But, I knew Dobby died, and I couldn't let that happen to Hugo, and I didn't know what to do. I was frozen, and I was failing you both and – well – that's when I woke up."
"Ron," she said quietly. "We always have to choose the kids. You know that right?"
He nodded and said, "I know. I do. And I would if I had to. But it would kill part of me to do it."
"Me too," she nodded as she leaned into him.
"But, with my new and safe line of work, that should not be an issue. And, hopefully your brush with magical death has been checked off of your life list." She nodded and smiled.
He stood, and placed the two socks on the headstone. Hermione looked at him, and took off her socks and added both as well. "For Rose and me too. We all owe him," she said.
"But now you're going to be freezing," he teased.
"Are you a wizard or what?" she laughed. And then she quickly transfigured the mittens from her pockets into new socks.
They stood there for a few minutes until Ron said, "Dobby, I hope you like your new socks. I know you'd love Hermione, not to mention Hugo and Rose. We all owe you everything. Thanks."
"Yes - thanks," Hermione added.
The two then headed off back towards the cottage. They decided to hike a bit and then stop for lunch, so Ron shrunk their picnic basket down and stored in his knapsack. They chatted a bit about the plants they came across and what Hugo and Lily were up to.
Finally, Ron said, "You know, I was thinking a bit about our, uh, misunderstanding about the money thing last night. And, while I don't know that we need to jump into that today, I do wonder if we should brainstorm which other conversations we need to have. Sort of get ahead of the fights so to speak."
"I think that's a great idea."
"So, we know money and finances is one."
"Right," she agreed. "Anything else jump out at you?"
"I think it's your turn."
"Oh, turns, huh? Well, I think we should talk about the kids."
"Want to be more specific? I think we talk about Rose and Hugo all of the time."
"Well, I think we should talk about how to get us to the point where they are both our kids and not his and hers kids."
"Ok," Ron nodded. "Good suggestion. And adding to that I think we should talk about if we want or don't want other kids. Honestly, to be fair, I don't know that I have an opinion really, I just think we should talk about it."
Hermione looked at him with an eyebrow up. "Ok. Hadn't even thought of that at all," she admitted. She took out her cellphone.
"What are you doing? Googling if we should have more kids?" he teased.
"No," she laughed. "I'm realizing we have enough topics to talk about that we should keep a list. I'm jotting them down so we don't forget our homework."
"Brilliant. Hadn't remembered it did that. But you can't distract me, well, you actually can better than anyone, but it is still your turn."
"Right. Ok, so we have money, our kids, the discussion of possible future kids, right?" He nodded. "Ok, well, I guess we need to talk about what we want to do after Hugo goes to school. But we clearly need to have the kiddo conversation first. Well, maybe there are multiple discussions in there – we would need to talk about where we will live, and if I change jobs after I work through my magical studies."
It was Ron's turn to raise his eyebrow. "I didn't realize you were considering changing jobs."
"I don't know if I am. But, I feel like this whole new world is out there I've just discovered, so I want to at least be open to it. Maybe there are magical refugees who need my help. I don't know. But, I need to become better at magic first."
"Huh. Ok. Well, that will take about a month."
"Ha ha, Ron. Look, I know I am a knowledge addict. But, there is always more to learn, and that is what drives me. It is so exciting, like a giant scavenger hunt to learn all about these incredible things I never knew existed. And as a benefit I get to do things like turn mittens into socks by waving my wand! I know you can't imagine how thrilling that is since it's always been normal to you. But it is just amazing."
"I love that."
"What?"
"Seeing magic through your eyes. It reminds me to celebrate things I have grown so accustomed to that I barley even see them anymore. It's incredible."
"You are incredible. But you are also stalling. It's your turn on the list of topics."
"I am not sure what the topic title would be. But, I want to talk about what we both imagine our lives would be like decades from now. What do we want to look back and say we are glad we did or didn't do? How do we want to be able to say we cared for our parents as they aged? How do we want Hugo and Rose to interact with us then with their own families?"
"Huh," said Hermione. "That's a really great conversation. Good one."
"Why thank you," he laughed.
"Another one, and maybe it overlaps some with some of the others, but I think we should talk about traditions."
"What do you mean by that?"
"Well, I guess I am already stressing about this coming Christmas. We need to figure out how to combine our own traditions, as well as Hugo's really. The nice thing is my family has always spent Christmas Eve with Hugo, so that wouldn't have to be different if it doesn't overlap with a Weasley tradition. But I have no idea how to approach Christmas Day, Father Christmas and everything else. And that got me to think about what we would do for other special events or special traditions that you assume we will do together or vice versa."
Ron smiled wistfully. "Did you know that last Christmas I was in a coma? And I woke up on Christmas Day because Dennis had brought two plates of Christmas dinner for Harry and I to St Mungos. And Harry was so klutzy he spilled Yorkshire pudding all over my face, which is what woke me up. You know, it was the only time I tried Mrs. Creevey's cooking, but it was quite memorable."
Hermione beamed. "I love that you had a connection with her, even if it was distant. I spent many years eating those puddings, and they were delicious. But I can't tell you how happy it makes me to know you know it too."
Ron just smiled at her. He knew it made Hugo happy too.
"I've lost track of whose turn it is," Hermione said. "But, I think another thing we should talk about is where we want to live long run. And, I don't necessarily mean my house or Hugo's house. And I guess I want us to think about if we are open to living overseas at some point."
Ron tried hard not to let his face reveal the panic that had risen up in his throat as she said that.
"Ok," she said glanced at his paling face, "don't freak out. You look like you could pass out all of a sudden. I am not saying I want to move back to Pakistan or Rwanda. But, I do want us to talk about the idea for a time in the distant future. I don't even know if I want to do that ever. But, for a long time that was a huge part of my life. It's hard to picture me living in another country away from Rose or Hugo. But, I want to at least put it on a list of things to discuss."
Ron nodded. "Ok. Fair to add it. While I can honestly tell you I have never really considered it, that doesn't mean it couldn't be considered. But, yeah, if we decided we wanted to do that, we would need to think about how and when as to not be too far from Rose and Hugo."
"Thanks for being at least open minded enough to talk about it."
He laughed. "Hermione, I think you seriously underestimate how mad I am for you. If you suddenly said you wanted to live on a farm in muggle China or something I would probably suddenly think it was a good idea."
She laughed and kissed his cheek. "I promise. Farming in China – muggle or otherwise – is not really on my bucket list."
"What is that?"
"Oh – must be a muggle phrase. Bucket list is a phrase that means a list of things you want to do or see or experience or own before you die – or 'kick the bucket' so to speak."
"Interesting. So, if Chinese farming isn't your thing, what is on your bucket list then?"
"I don't know. I've never really made a list. But, well, I guess there are things on it I could control and things out of my control."
"Like?"
"Well, like I wanted to be a mother. I wanted to meet the man of my dreams. I wanted to see a lot of different parts of the world. I want to learn as much about magic as possible. I want to make some positive impacts on this world that outlast me. I guess that kind of thing. I've known people who really wanted to learn to speak a certain number of languages, dine at a famous fancy restaurant, write a book, go skinny dipping, climb a mountain on every continent or learn to fly a plane – those sort of things."
Giggling, Ron said, "Skinny dipping and publishing a book hardly seem like they should be on the same list."
"Well, it isn't so much about being hard or challenging, just about something you want to be sure you get to do."
"I suppose."
"Ok, what would be on your list then?"
"Um – well, I've clearly had less time to come up with an answer as I didn't know I was supposed to have such a list. But, I guess the top two are the same as yours – finding love and a family. And I am still rather amazed that those have now happened."
She kissed his cheek. "So, then what else?"
He thought for a bit longer. "There's the legacy bit – but I think the historical part of that is hopefully done now and I can focus on impacting the lives of the people I love."
"What about something fun or interesting or crazy?" she asked.
"I don't know. I think I managed to pack so much adventure and crazy into my first few decades that I am looking forward to the quieter stuff. Not boring exactly, just adventurous with less chance of injury or death."
"Well, right –but what about visiting some specific place or meeting some famous quidditch person?"
"I don't know. I met just about all of the Chudley Canons after the war, which was bloody brilliant. But, aside from getting to watch them win, I'm good."
Hermione watched Ron out of the corner of her eye as she continued to walk up the rugged path with him. It really hadn't occurred to her that he was this content with his life. To not really have anything that jumped out as something he still needed to see or do or accomplish. He noticed her eyeing him.
"You seem disappointed that I don't have a list."
"No. Not disappointed. Just impressed that you can always be so content with where you are. I wish I was more like that sometimes. My mind is always racing ahead on what I still need to learn and do and see. I need to take more moments like you do to just enjoy being. Right where I am. Because, honestly, it's pretty brilliant right now."
