Ch 48: Salem Part 2

At dinner they were given a cozy table in the back of the restaurant. As they sipped their wine, they chatted about Hugo and wondered how he was doing with the Potters, and talked some about what Rose could be doing. They agreed they needed to find some small gifts the next day for the kids, as well as a thank you gift for Harry and Ginny too.

"Speaking of kids," Hermione finally said. "Maybe we could talk about that in general, since it was on our list, right?"

"OK," said Ron taking a deep breath. "Sure, let's dive in. We didn't fight about the money conversation."

"No, my recollection is that ended quite delightfully actually," blushed Hermione.

"Yes, that is definitely how I remember it too," laughed Ron, moving his hand up her thigh.

"Well, ok, so let's talk. I, well, I have to admit I was initially surprised that more kids was something you were thinking about."

"Uh, I don't know that I would put it that way. I am not sure I do want more kids. But I do think that whether we do or don't is something we need to be on the same page about. So, I just wanted us to be sure to talk about it."

Hermione nodded. "That makes sense. You know, motherhood is something that took me by surprise. I definitely didn't go to Pakistan intending to come home a mum. But I wouldn't trade it for anything. And now to have Hugo as well, it is really an incredible thing. But it is hard work that takes an incredible commitment of time and love and energy."

"I've picked up on that this past year. I had no idea what I was getting into with Hugo. But the way my heart overflows with joy when he or Rose say or do something amazing, it is incredible."

"Are you sad you haven't had a child that you have had the chance to be with from infancy?"

Ron considered this for a bit. "I hadn't really thought about it that way. I don't know. I hear how tired people are when they have a baby. But, the idea of holding your child who is so small and sweet, I can see how that is a uniquely amazing thing."

"Or what about the biological child question. I mean, neither of us have had a child that is ours genetically speaking anyway."

"You know, that isn't an issue for me. If it is something you wanted, I would be fine with it, but I really can't imagine that I would love a ginger haired child any more than I already love Rose and Hugo. What about you?"

"I'm the same. Growing up I never expected to become a mum through adoption. But, I really have found it to be a most incredible experience. Even without a biological connection, the universe somehow found a way to bring me to the soul I was supposed to parent. She could not be any more my child than she is. Hugo is different as he and I had a non-parent relationship before. But we will get there. Really we already are in many ways."

"So we come back to the question of whether or not we are good as a family of four or if there are more children in our future."

"Well, what do you think? Or, more importantly, what do you want?"

"I don't know," Ron admitted. "I love the idea of you and I getting to have some time to ourselves in a few years. But, I have had such fun being a parent that I wonder if in a few years I will regret only really getting to be a parent with kids at home for a few years. But we aren't in our twenties either. I don't want to be too old to enjoy them, or to be the parents they would need us to be."

"Fair. And, if we did have another, I would want to have two. Having one only child so much younger than all of the cousins would be too lonely," said Hermione. "I was an only child with no cousins, and it stunk. If not for Dennis and Collin I would have been miserable."

"What if life brings us more kids that aren't babies? What if we ended up adopting older kids?"

"I really hadn't thought of that. Is that something you want?"

"I don't know that either," he shrugged. "It would be hard, obviously, as you get less impact on who they become when you meet them later in life. But, well, I just don't know. I don't think it is something I need to seek out right now. But, if life presented us with that situation I would want to really consider it."

Hermione slowly nodded. "I am ok with that. We don't seek out adoption, but if a situation arises where there are some siblings who need a home, or two children similar in age, we could really consider that. Yes – I could see that being a good thing. But, something we would have to make final decisions about later."

"I agree. And if either of us hesitated, we wouldn't do it. We would have to both feel fully committed and excited about it. I don't want either of us regretting that type of decision. We are both in fully or we don't do that at all, ok?"

"Ok," she smiled.

"To our future which may or may not include additional children who may or may not have already been born," Ron said as he lifted his wine glass.

"To our future family, whatever size that may be," she said. They clinked glasses, and she leaned in to kiss him. Then she asked, "Should we talk some about the children we already have for a bit?"

"Sure, what about them?"

She looked down at her plate and poked at her food for a moment. Finally she sighed and said nervously, "Back in September Ginny said something that stuck with me. It was before I moved in, and I had said something about not wanting to overstep with you and Hugo. What she said was that I shouldn't worry about it as we didn't have 'his and hers' children. It came up again when we were fighting about the tuition nonsense. And I can't seem to stop thinking about it. I don't want us to have his and hers kids. But, sometimes I feel like we do. And, well, it's hard for me. In my mind I know it's best if we do this equally. But, on the other hand, I just have this instinct that kicks in to be some sort of crazy protective mama bear or something. And I know it's not fair to you. Or to Rose. Or to Hugo. But I honestly don't know what to do about it."

Ron looked at her lovingly, his heart aching for her as he knew this was the hardest of the conversations they needed to have, and he wasn't sure how to navigate it either. Instinctively he grasped her hand and slowly brought it to his lips to kiss. She looked at him, surprised and a little confused.

"I don't know either. And I can only even try to imagine how difficult it is for you. If I had raised Hugo from an infant and then a decade later tried to bring someone, even someone I loved, into that I – well – I know it would be the scariest and toughest thing to do. It is one thing to leave your own heart vulnerable to someone. But it is something else to feel like you are opening your child to that. So, no – I have no brilliant plan or idea or solution. But, I want you to know I am so honored and grateful that it is even something you are willing to try as there is no more sacred part of your heart than your daughter."

Listening to him, Hermione felt the tears stream down her cheek as he somehow put words to the most hidden shadows and fears in her heart. All she could do was nod and lean against him at the table. He quickly and lovingly wiped away the tears.

"I'm sorry, Hermione. I didn't mean to make you cry."

She shook her head, "No, don't apologize. It's just – you said what I had been feeling but couldn't say. And I love you for it. It's just really hard."

"Hermione – there is no rush on this. And I don't think it can happen by us just having a conversation. I have to earn a role in her life – both from you and from her. And those will be different. Just like I have had to do with Hugo. And it isn't fair or right or whatever – it just is."

She nodded tearfully. "I just feel so guilty when I notice a thought float through my mind about how she is my daughter so I get to decide, because it isn't right."

"Well – she is your daughter. And you get to decide things as much as any mother of a pre-teen daughter gets to decide I suppose, which from what I gather is less and less with each year."

Hermione laughed at that. "I suppose that's true. I don't get to decide or control anything. I'm more like guard rails on the highway to make sure she stays going roughly the right direction and doesn't fall off a cliff or something."

He smiled. "Don't sell yourself short, Hermione. You have been and continue to be a bloody brilliant mum. You have raised her to be smart and kind and thoughtful and loving and articulate. Now the hard part is launching her and watching her struggle with those personality traits when they get tested in the battlefield of adolescence."

"But there will still be decisions to make, or at least approaches to decide on. And that is where in my mind I want to do this together, but in reality I am not as much there as I want to be."

"And that's ok."

"And I am not sure I am there in the other direction with Hugo either."

Now it was Ron's turn to look confused. "I – I don't – what do you mean?"

"Well," she said as she took a sip of wine. "The fact is that Dennis and Fiona made you the godparent, not me. And despite my first few days of anxiety about that after the accident, I think they made a brilliant choice. I couldn't raise him to be the man, let alone the wizard, that you will. And I still feel this place in my head that reminds me I need to take the backseat on things sometimes."

Ron scrunched his forehead in confusion as he listened to her. "Hermione, you are the most brilliant idiot I have ever met. I would not have survived my immersion into parenthood without you. Hell, I wouldn't have even grasped the concept that I was his parent now as opposed to his guardian or something if you hadn't forced me to see it."

"No, Ron. You are selling yourself short. You were brilliant with Hugo right from the start. Your instincts with him that morning after the accident were 100% right – so much so that it made me question my own approach."

"Hermione- you are forgetting the critical fact that they didn't know you were a witch. If they had I am confident they would have chosen you as godparent. It just makes sense. But they needed someone to show him the magical world if they couldn't, and they had no way to know you were as much a part of that world as Hugo was."

"Dammit Ron, you are missing it completely!" she said as she smacked the table.

He was caught off guard by her outburst, and eyed her carefully as she continued.

"Don't you dare sell yourself short. You are the most amazing man I have ever met. You alone are who they picked to raise Hugo, and it was a brilliant decision. They knew I wouldn't be able to keep my nose out of things with Hugo, so I am sure they knew you would have help with the logistical nonsense. But, they chose you. Not because you can teach him magic. Not because you're famous. Not because you happened to be Fiona's partner. Not because they thought it would be fun for you. They chose you because you are the most incredible soul – you are kind and loving, gentle and fierce, smart and witty, strong and passionate and incredibly observant and brilliant. They picked you because if they couldn't be the ones to mold Hugo, they wanted someone who could impart those qualities to their son." Hermione was crying again as she spoke and paused to wipe the tears from her eyes. "And I would love to have them back and have Hugo know them, but they are gone. They are all gone. And in that act of picking you for Hugo, they managed to pick you for me too, and I am so incredibly grateful. Because we both desperately needed you in our lives."

Ron now had tears in his eyes as well, and her wrapped his arm around her as she sniffled her tears and tried to regain control of her breath. She leaned into his warm shoulder and embrace and felt so safe and protected, and berated herself for being unable to control her emotions in a restaurant.

"Hermione, shhh, it's ok. I miss them too. And I feel that same grief mixed with gratitude every fucking day when I think of the gifts they gave me. Shit, they gave me their son. And in doing so, they gave me you and then Rose. I'm overwhelmed by it all too, you know."

"I know. I know. It's just – I look at you and Hugo and I am consistently struck by how good of decision they made. And I don't want to be in the way of that. Not that I can't offer an opinion or help with things, but I feel like I want to honor what they chose. Not just honor it, really – but learn from it. Be a better parent because of it."

"Isn't that the point of all of this?" Ron asked. "I mean, it's not about if I am his parent and you are her parent. It's about both of us wanting to give them the best possible parenting, right? They both deserve nothing less."

She nodded, her tears having subsided, and drank some water to stay composed. "You're right, of course. It's really not about either of us. It's about them."

"Well, no, I guess I was saying it's about all four of us. Look, for whatever reason the universe or God or whoever has, you and I happen to be raising these two souls who came into our lives not through blood or genetics but through gifts we can't really comprehend. And, at least from my perspective, that seems to put even more pressure on me to not fuck it up royally. So, I don't think we need some organizational chart that says he's mine and she's yours. We both want what is best for both of them. And just like in any normal family the two parents aren't going to always agree, you know? And so we'll talk and disagree and argue, and we'll meet in the middle somewhere and both kids will be better for it. And if one of us is dead set on something the other disagrees with, then we keep arguing, just like we would if they had been ours from day one. I think we are making it more complicated than it really is."

She nodded as he spoke. "Right. I mean, parenthood is complicated enough, there is no reason to make it more so. And, I see your point. While our family hasn't come together in the most traditional of ways, that doesn't mean the dynamics need to be different than if it had been you and I having two biological children."

"Exactly. I think we try so hard to honor the needs and memories of Fi and Dennis and Rose's birthparents that we forget that when it comes down to it now, we are their parents. And we just have to do the best we can in that moment."

"You know one of the things I have been thinking we need to do sooner rather than later?" Hermione asked.

"What?"

"Well, if anything were to happen to me, or if anything were to happen to you – we should make sure that the kids are ok."

"Are you talking about the money?"

"No, Ron. I'm talking about custody. Making sure that even if we aren't married at that point if something were to happen that the kids would stay together with the one of us who was ok."

"Oh. Right," Ron sighed. "I suppose I should have thought of all of that before I even went to back to work as an auror. But, don't you have something in place for Rose now?"

"Well," Hermione said carefully, "yes, I do. When Rose was a baby I set it up so that if something happened to me then Rose would go to my parents. And if something happened to them, then she would be raised by Dennis and Fiona."

"Right."

"So, let's fix that next week, ok? I think it would make both of us feel better, and probably the kids too. Or at least Hugo."

"Would your parents be alright with that?" asked Ron.

"Hopefully they'll stay none the wiser to the change, but if something happens, I would want Rose with you and Hugo."

"And what if something were to happen to both of us?"

Hermione took a deep breath. "Unfortunately, given what happened to Dennis and Fiona, I have actually given this some thought. I think we should ask Harry and Ginny if they would do it, as long as they would keep my parents in their lives too."

"Are you sure?"

"Very," she said.

"OK then. We'll talk to them when we get back and get it set up. I really can't believe I hadn't even thought about that yet. Thank you for bringing it up. Definitely something we can't wait on."

Hermione smiled. "And crossing something off a to-do list gives me such a high," she joked. "Just like it feels good to get through some of these topics we've been needing to talk about."

"We are just flying through these tough conversations, aren't we?" he laughed.

"Actually we are," she laughed. "I thought we would have a harder time getting through them."

"Well, we haven't gotten through all of them yet. But, talking it all through now instead of in the heat of disagreement or misunderstanding seems to be a much better plan."

"Want to tackle more as we eat?" she asked.

"You really are an overachiever aren't you? I bet you did every extra credit assignment every one of your teachers assigned, didn't you?"

"Yes. You know very well the answer to all of those questions. So is that a no, then?"

"No, it is not a no. I'm game for another round. Though I feel like we did the biggest two already. So what shall we cover now, Little Miss Extra Credit?"

"Well, I was thinking we could combine some topics into a broader conversation."

"Ok. Which ones?"

"Well, I was thinking about how our lives today are so utterly different than either of us could have possibly imagined a year ago. So, as I try to imagine what our lives could be like in a few years when Hugo is off at Hogwarts, I rather feel like it is an exercise in futility."

"Hard to argue with that," he agreed.

"But at the same time I want to be sure we are on the same page as to what things we want. Or are at least supportive of each other if they are different things."

"I get the sense you have something particular in mind."

She scrunched her face up in thought for a moment. "Not really," she said. "But I have some general feelings about things."

"Like…."

"Well, I have spent a lot of my life outside of England. And, I have really loved advocating for disadvantaged people all over the world. And a year ago I would have told you that I would want to spend the rest of my life advocating for refugees. But now I don't know anymore."

Ron watched her as she thought. "Well what are you sure of?"

"That I want to be with you and the kids. And that I want to be of use to the world, especially for those that can't advocate for themselves, and make a lasting impact in some way. And that I want to always be learning."

"Then I think that is enough to go on. I know you love planning. But, I don't think we can plan out too far yet. You are still learning the foundational parts of magic, so there are subjects you may love that you don't even know about yet. But I think you're right that we need to figure out what we are both open to."

"Could you picture spending more time overseas – whether living somewhere for a while or maybe just traveling a lot more?"

"A year ago that would have been an easy and quick no. But now, well, a lot has changed."

"So is that at least a maybe?"

"I would say it's a definite maybe. I would be worried about the kids being that far away, but I am sure we could figure things out. I can't picture me feeling at home overseas permanently. Really, wherever you are is where home will be for me I think. And, if we really do set up a foundation the travel could be part of how we determine how to best give the funds away.

Hermione gave him a grateful smile as she reached for her hand. "Thank you for staying open minded about it."

"I can't promise I won't humiliate you as the crazy ginger British bloke who talks louder in English when I don't understand whatever language they are speaking. But I promise to keep an open mind," he chuckled as he leaned over to kiss her on the cheek as she laughed at him.

"I could never be humiliated by you, Ron," she said her eyes laughing. "I'll just think of it as you staying easy to spot in a crowd."

"Right," he laughed. "I may not always understand what you see in me, but I can't argue that I would absolutely be easy to spot."

She laughed with him, and he was so taken by the light and love in her eyes. Their conversation turned to lighter topics, and the rest of dinner was spent simply enjoying each other's company. When they finished their meal they walked hand in hand back to their room. With eyes only for each other, neither noticed the witch dining alone in the far corner of the restaurant watching them go.