To say it had been an interesting trip would be putting it mildly. It was also successful, in the sense that Loveless didn't manage to escape. It was even successful in being mildly therapeutic, or rather cathartic, for the two agents. One could not say the same for Dr. Loveless. Through a second and third set of shifts, Jim and Arte stuck to their assigned roles, with Jim especially enjoying his. Arte's violin would need a complete restringing, and Jim's singing voice wouldn't be keeping any of the grand tenors of Italy awake nights, but Arte hoped it could help Jim put some old Loveless-related traumas to bed once and for all. Arte meanwhile had played his part with practiced ease and without relaxing his guard around their foe for one minute. Jim was as obnoxious and condescending to Loveless as he could be. His partner, by contrast, was unfailingly polite, solicitous and worst of all, sympathetic. In anyone else, Loveless would have seen sympathy as a naïve weakness to exploit. Coming from 'Mr. Gordon,' it was pure wormwood and gall. They made sure the prisoner got enough sleep, but between their combined efforts, by the end of the journey Loveless was practically developing a nervous facial tic.
Was it enough?
The true test, the most important one of all, was at hand.
As the agents strode into the federal Research and Development building with Loveless once again strapped helplessly to Jim's back, they saw that all had been prepared exactly to their specifications. Hand-picked armed guards, Colonel Richmond, Secretary Bristow and Secretary Fish were waiting attentively. Most important – a lab set up with all of the necessary equipment plus Loveless' notes and cultures from his original sanctum awaited, with an almost identical laboratory a short distance away. Arte didn't normally get performance jitters, but this time the life of a U.S. President – and a friend – depended on the scene about to be staged.
Jim, with calculated rudeness on display, unslung the mini-mega mind from his backpack, removed the cloth sacking, and plopped Loveless down onto the floor to stand in handcuffs before their boss and the two Cabinet Secretaries.
"Jim," Colonel Richmond said, appearing uncomfortable at the rough treatment and the handcuffs, "is all this really necessary?"
"Maybe not," Jim conceded, nodding down to Loveless but not looking directly at him. "He sure isn't what he once was."
Loveless, hearing this, went from glaring at his favorite target to gaping at him in mute, jaw-dropped astonishment.
"Now do you mind telling me just why you needed us to bring him back here?" Jim asked, sounding a bit peeved. Both agents had been carefully pretending that they had no idea what their superiors were up to, quibbling about it to each other on the train in whispers that they had carefully allowed Loveless to overhear.
"Well, uh," Secretary Bristow stammered, "you see, there's been an outbreak of Patchinson's Ague in San Francisco, and it happens that Dr. Loveless here," he said, giving the doctor a nervous but flattering smile, "is the world's foremost authority on Patchinson's Ague." He looked to his fellow Secretary and Richmond, who both nodded agreement. Loveless, accepting this acknowledgment began to puff himself up with the praise already. Jim was primed to burst that bubble.
"That's why you wanted him?" Jim did a bit of gaping himself, then snorted. "You've got to be kidding! Loveless hasn't been the world's foremost authority on anything except failed plans for years! He-"
"Oh, now Jim, I think that's just a bit harsh!" Arte interrupted. "Although I do agree Dr. Loveless may not be quite what he once was . . . ."
Loveless, hearing this, began balling his overlarge hands into fists and shaking them up and down in an agitated fashion while sputtering indignantly.
"Be that as it may," Richmond interrupted the interruption, "we need someone who can come up with a cure, we've gotten his lab ready, and Dr. Loveless really is known to be a-"
"Nuisance," Jim completed the sentence. "Colonel, Arte and I could probably come up with an antidote to that disease faster than this has-been!"
"Has-been!" Loveless screeched.
"Jim!" Colonel Richmond started to scold.
"Now, now," Arte said, holding up both hands in a placating manner and smiling down at the outraged scientist. "For something like a disease outbreak, I suppose anything is worth a try." He let the smile fade, and scratched the back of his head, looking around the hallway speculatively. "It might not be a bad idea to let the two of us," he pointed to Jim and himself, "have a go at it too. Every port in a storm and all that. I like to think I have a pretty good hand in at science, and Jim's not too bad at it himself. That way if Dr. Loveless isn't capable of getting the job done, we ca-"
"Not capable!" Loveless gasped in outrage.
Now the two Secretaries began looking at each other and fidgeting uncomfortably. They didn't need to be professional actors, Arte realized. It was a dangerous business pushing their 'only hope' to the brink of fury, talking as though he could be replaced. It was a chance they had to take though, and if Arte was any judge, Loveless was swallowing the bait hook, line and sinker. The dangerous trip to Mexico and the difficult turns on board the Wanderer might be about to bear fruit.
"Gentlemen!" Colonel Richmond tried to get a word in edgewise. "Arguing is not going to do anything to resolve the situation in San Francisco!" He gave his harshest frown of disapproval to his two Secret Service agents. "It happens that we believe the doctor here has the best possible chance of finding a cure in time to save some of the victims!"
"That's true," Loveless nodded, already starting to puff and preen again. "I consider myself to be the world's greatest expert on this subject. I've been making a study of the disease for several years. Why, your doctors and quacks here won't have even a tenth of the knowledge about Patchinson's Ague that I do!"
Jim rolled his eyes, a gesture not lost on Loveless – or Richmond. Arte tensed while trying not to show it, but the Colonel played his part so well in the next minute that Arte could have hurrahed inside.
"That's enough!" Richmond rebuked Jim.
Loveless positively beamed with glee at the anticipation of his hated foe getting reamed out by his own boss right where Loveless could watch. But it was Richmond, looking stern, who managed to slip the hook in.
"Given what the two of you have no doubt been through, I'm prepared to overlook your current lack of manners," he scolded Jim. "And as it happens, we have had our doctors working on the problem. But this job is for Dr. Loveless, not for you!" Richmond threw in a finger-waggling at his rude agent that left Loveless practically glowing.
Jim snorted and rolled his eyes again. Loveless couldn't resist the urge to gloat at a time like this.
"Really, Mr. West," Loveless tut-tutted. "Do you honestly think you have any understanding of science or medicine at all? Hardly your field."
"He's right, Jim," Arte conceded. "Even if you have been studying in that direction lately . . . ."
Jim hadn't, of course, but Loveless didn't need to know that either. The very possibility caught Loveless off guard enough to leave him gaping in astonishment again.
"Oh, yes," Arte told Loveless. "You mean you, uh, you didn't know?" he asked their foe with an innocent smile before shaking his head in puzzlement. "I realize you've been out of circulation for a while, but . . . ."
"I have not been 'out of circulation' as you put it. Certainly not!" The little wizard was the picture of indignation, attempting to cross his arms as well as the handcuffs allowed. "And as for Mr. West thinking he's capable of becoming a fraction of the scientific genius I am, I find the very idea preposterous!"
"Well Jim, you heard it." Arte glanced over at his partner, then at Colonel Richmond. "They're convinced that it's all up to Loveless! Still," he gave Richmond a speculative raise of his eyebrows, "in the case of an emergency like this, we can let Loveless give it a try – and I'll say again it wouldn't be a bad idea for us to make an effort as well. In a separate lab, of course! I definitely don't want these two mixing it up!" He indicated his partner and Loveless to Richmond with a hand gesture. "If you've, ah, got another lab we can use, that is?"
The Colonel nodded.
"We do. There's one right down the hall," he said. "And I agree that the suggestion might have some merit . . . ."
Now or never time, Arte knew. This is it!
Just as he had anticipated, Loveless became the one rolling his eyes and scoffing.
"Oh, please!" Dr. Loveless snorted. "As if Mr. West and Mr. Gordon will ever have a chance of matching my intellectual accomplishments! No one can best my medical genius! I'll come up with a cure for the Ague while these two are still figuring out how to use a microscope!"
"Is that so?" Jim growled, crouching down to stare Loveless directly eye-to-eye one more time. "You think you can come up with a cure for Patchinson's Ague before Arte and I do?"
"Most certainly!"
The two enemies glared at one another.
"Prove it," Jim said.
"Very well!" Loveless, with an angry harrumph, turned his back on the agent, held out his cuffed hands for the guards to unlock the constraint, and drew himself up as far as he could in front of Richmond and the two Cabinet Secretaries. "Gentlemen, I believe you said my lab awaits!"
YES! Arte shouted to himself.
"And Jim, I think that's our cue to get to work too . . . ."
So keen was Dr. Loveless to start on trouncing his opponents in this competition, he marched straight into the laboratory designated with his back still turned on the agents and never saw the small wink exchanged between Artemus Gordon and his boss.
[WWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW]
"Here come the miracle workers," a jovial voice laughed, followed by a couple of coughs.
President Ulysses S. Grant was sitting up in bed, terribly pale except for the fading pox-y spots that still dotted his skin. Colonel Richmond stood at the President's bedside, but turned to smile at the two Secret Service agents walking into the hospital room as Grant nodded to them.
"Well, thank you Mr. President," Artemus grinned. "But I'm afraid Dr. Miguelito Loveless has to be given credit as the real miracle worker in this case."
"Bah – him too," Grant huffed dismissively. "And if those are what I think they are," the President pointed to the envelopes Jim and Arte were pulling out of their jacket pockets, "you can damn well burn 'em! I'm not accepting your resignations and that's final! Told Richmond, Ben and Ham the same thing when they offered theirs!"
Neither agent looked too disappointed by Grant's decision.
"Thank you, Mr. President," Jim said, smiling now as well.
"Ha! Damn-fool notions! And from the lot of you! Would've thought you all had more sense."
"Well, we did act without your permission, Sir," Artemus reminded him. "And on foreign soil at that."
Grant waved that concern away.
"You two are lucky I don't sentence you both to a commendation!" The President appeared remorseful. "Can't do so officially in this case. Wish I could."
"Oh, I'm sure I can come up with some way to compensate them," Colonel Richmond promised. "Excellent work, gentlemen! I've just been filling the President in on your exploits down there and I'll agree with what he called you – miracle workers. I'm sure the other patients being saved by Dr. Loveless' serum and their families are grateful as well, even if they don't know who to thank."
"Er, speaking of Dr. Loveless . . . ." Arte murmured.
Jim, as usual, chose to be blunt and direct.
"You didn't pardon him, did you, Mr. President? Or have him let go?"
"As if I would!" Grant scowled. "Another damn-fool notion, even if he did help save my life. No. Choice wasn't left up to me though," he grumped, looking over at Richmond.
"No," Richmond said, grinning and shaking his head a bit. "I'm afraid we gave him the reward he demanded."
Jim and Arte both stared at the Colonel in horror.
"Oh, it isn't anything like what you're thinking," Richmond told them. "All your comments about what a washed-up has-been he is must have stung more than you realized. Now he feels he has a point to prove. The little menace virtually demanded that we lock him up in the most secure, tough, escape-proof prison we possibly can. So we're giving him what he wants."
"Oh my, James," Arte chuckled. "I do believe we may have hurt the doctor's feelings!"
"I'm crushed," Jim deadpanned. "You realize, Colonel, Loveless will do everything in his power to find a way to escape?"
"And we'll do everything in ours to prevent it," Richmond answered. "Luckily we've got the best agents in the world working for us. I know I can always count on them." He nodded to Jim and Arte. "And you don't have to worry about any complications with Mexico. We've been in communication with the Mexican Ambassador – quietly – and the President of Mexico has no complaints. Not with you two or your friends down there, anyway."
"Hmmphh!" Grant grunted. "Man ought to be giving them all a medal for getting rid of that cat fellow, what's-his-name."
"Hector el Tigre," Jim said. "I just hope we have gotten rid of him and he doesn't have his cousin's ability to cheat death."
"Let's hope not," Arte added. "But I'll see if I can't come up with some suggestions to make Dr. Loveless' next escapade a bit harder. One member of that family to deal with is enough!"
"I'll help," Jim offered. "I'm a budding scientific genius, remember?"
They all started laughing at that, but had to make their goodbyes as the President's doctor and Julia Grant came in and ordered the visitors out so that the President could get some more rest. Even the Commander-in-Chief of the United States knew where he took his orders from.
"Well, gentlemen," Richmond asked the agents as they made their way back to the street, "how about a steak and lobster dinner at the Palace Hotel? My treat. I'll throw in the champagne too."
"You're buying? Thank heavens for that," Jim laughed. "I still haven't gotten Arte to repay me the five bucks he owes me."
Richmond nodded and patted him on the back.
"Well, Jim, as your commanding officer, I can only expect just so many miracles out of you at once."
"James, my boy," Arte laughed, "considering what you did for me down there, I think this is one miracle I can help you with!"
And in mirthful high spirits, the three went off to have their dinner.
